It appears to be a growing phenomena: men allowing themselves to recognize and explore their inner feelings, then ‘coming out’ to their wives. The affect most often is devastating.
Most women don’t want to believe their husbands have the capacity for a physical relationship with another man. They feel betrayed: “Why didn’t you tell me before we got married?”. They feel threatened: “He’s going to leave me for a man!” They are confused: “How can he be attracted to me when he’s attracted to men?” Their world is turned upside down and the future looks like a black hole. Even if a man knows his wife quite well, he rarely anticipates the depth of anguish she feels. Everything has changed and you are both on a new, complicated, unpredictible path.
He is likely to be focused on his own emotions, thereby plunging his wife into even deeper anxiety. Even though he loves her, wants to stay married and does not want to hurt her, his attraction to men seems natural to him, even innocent. He often fails to recognize the explanations and reassurances his wife needs. He often fails to recognize his responsibility to see his wife through one of the most traumatic experiences she has ever lived through.
Her amazing capacity to love has been handicapped by confusion, doubt, fear and anger. When my novel “Five Married Men” was published a couple of years ago, I began hearing from women seeking advice and answers. Most have been in the confused initial stages after finding out their husbands were attracted to men. I’ve made a number of friends by corresponding with these ladies. Invariably they believed they were in loving healthy marriages until they were handed the bombshell. Now they’re at a loss as to what direction to take.
The saddest aspect of this unwanted scenario is too many otherwise healthy marriages end in divorce. I personally believe this can be avoided when real love binds a man and wife, though finding middle ground can be frustrating and emotionally difficult. One has to give more than the other, and in my mind the burden rests on the husband’s shoulders–he didn’t tell her before they got married; he delivered the shock; he is in control of his choices from this point forward, and it’s up to him to make choices that lie within the parameters of his wife’s sensibilities.
Exchanging experiences, ideas and perspectives can help. Post your comments on this subject to help those taking the first steps on this path find answers.
If you’re a wife: Has your husband come out as bi or gay? How did it unfold? Maybe you caught him with another man, or just suspect something is going on. Maybe you have questions that others can relate to and offer advice, or different perspectives.
If you’re a husband: Have you told your wife, and if so, how did it go? Are you seeing a man now, secretly or openly? Any advise for other men who don’t know what to do? How do you think a man should handle his feelings or his desire for another man?
Your thoughts may help others who are going through this. Your questions may find answers from others who have been there.
No related posts.
One man’s feelings:
At this point I’m acutely aware of what the impact is for my wife in joining me on this journey. In coming out to her I’ve involved her in something that she didn’t consciously sign up for, but now has.
On the one hand, I’m not willing to live my life repressing, rejecting, denying who I am anymore, and I notice that in my guilt or desire to be “normal” I want my desires for men to go away. I know that when those impulses aren’t there my wife also starts to think that maybe “it’s” going away. On the other hand I love my wife and my life and want to try to find a way to have it all. That’s a lot to ask. And, my wife tells me that she loves me and as much as it scares her to think that I may decide that what I really need is to be in a relationship with a man she’s willing to be with that possibility if it allows me to heal and live a life that is fulfilling and authentic. She’s also clear that she’s making a conscious choice to stay in because she loves me and is now getting all of who I am.
It’s all confusing for both of us and we just keep reminding ourselves that we’re ok today and closer than ever because we’re able to tell each other anything now. It also means living in the present moment and not believing that security comes from having a permanent structure that we can buy into.
Right now, I’m not sure if I will need to explore a real relationship with a man that’s real and intimate. I don’t know if I did that, whether I might find out that to live authentically in my truth would mean leaving the privilege and safety of the hetero world. There’s a lot of things that I don’t know and I need to remember that it’s not my wife’s fault. She’s the one who’s hanging in there because she loves me.
What I do know is that guilt on either end doesn’t help. It only makes us contract. So, I’m having to accept that my wife’s decision to stay in is real and also that her fears, anger, confusion and her loss of clarity is as valid as mine. I need to be as present with her in those times as she is with me.
I’m a female partner whose male partner is “bi”. This is a challenging situation for me, or is it? Some days it is, others it isn’t. The most important thing for me is that my partner is honest with me. I can entirely understand that he want’s closeness/intimacy with men and that the m/m energy he gets from this interaction is something I could never provide. I’m pretty open-minded and accept for myself that I am partly bi, having had a few experiences with girls in the past. I also accept for him that the kind of close friendships that i have had with girlfriends (platonic in principle, but some of them have become very close indeed) are not easily achievable by him with his straight male friends: too many taboos. I can’t say I’ve totally got my head around him physically having sex with other people, but I’m starting too. It helps that we can talk about it. I know what he’s really looking for is close m/m friends that he can be himself around – no need to worry about flirting a bit, cuddling up, etc. and the sex, if it happens, is just a case of him being a guy with a strong sex drive (just an ordinary guy, really!) So long as his feelings/needs don’t start interfering with our relationship, I feel deep down that everything will be okay.
Here’s a response I received by e-mail:
It took a loooong time for me to accept my sexuality. I was the kid who held the deep secret in me while looking into the prom queen’s eyes. It made me hate me with a disgust. No other fallibility in me did so in this way. Living and the din and noise of life made it suppress to a manageable level, and finally I grew not to care but it took time. Then I had the courage at 56 years of age to tell another significant person in my life, my current wife. So coming out wasn’t a decision. It was a process.
For any wives out there reading this, I can share my story with you in hopes to help you through the shock and in hopes that you can help me too. About 2 months ago, my husband of 3.5 years came out and told me he is bisexual. I was shocked to say the least. I immediately thought we were getting divorced and I cried about the thought of losing him and losing my life as I knew it. Well, my life as I knew it is over, i now have to start a new life. With a husband who is bisexual and we, together, are trying to figure out what that means. The blogger is right, the burden does lie on the shoulders of the man. He is the one who dropped this bomb on me and he needs to figure out what he needs/wants and then i need to figure out if I am ok with that. For now, and most likely for always, I have told my husband that I am NOT ok with him kissing, heavy petting or sleeping with another man. To me, that’s not what you do when you are married. So for now, he’s ok with that. I just worry that one day he wont be and one day, he’s going to realize he is in love with men, not me. He says that wont happen, but he also told me he never kissed a man but I later found out that was not true. I am trying to trust him again. Not trusting him is a weird feeling. But, it’s going to take time and he understands that. I would love to talk to other wives about this, or even other husbands. The more I can talk to people who are in similar situations, maybe the easier it will be for my husband and I to figure out how to handle this.