How can I “catch” him?
I’ve run across a number of websites that outline ways wives can “catch” their husbands in some type of activity that proves he’s bisexual or gay, usually through his computer history: websites he visits, movies he watches, even read his e-mail.
My God! What kind of a marriage is this?
Why not forget all the duplicity and secret agent stuff and just ask him?
Don’t be defensive or accusatory, and don’t blurt out the question one night at the dinner table. Try a far more thoughtful approach. If you have reason to believe your husband is bisexual, you must, to some extent, already be prepared to learn that he is; you can therefore plan and control the atmosphere that will be created when you ask this question.
He probably doesn’t know you’ve been thinking about this for a long time. He doesn’t know you have reason to suspect. He isn’t expecting you to question him on this most taboo of subjects. So lay some mental groundwork in your own mind before you stage the question; in other words be mentally prepared to orchestrate a civil, productive discussion. Be prepared, for now anyway, to set your emotions aside so that if you learn your marriage is going to somehow be redefined, your starting place will be rational. You can go out and kick the garbage can all over the back yard in anger at some later date.
Use a calm approach. Let him know, perhaps on the way home from a movie or dinner out, you have something you’d like to discuss when you get home. When you begin the discussion, preface it by letting him know you love him no matter what. Let him know it’s important to you that he trust you enough to be able to tell you anything. Be sincere and keep the atmosphere comfortable for both of you. Now you have his attention. He knows you’re concerned about something. He knows it’s important to you. The stage is set for a loving husband and wife to communicate.
You might try: “If you were bisexual (gay) would you be afraid to tell me?”
If your answer is stunned silence, or what appears to be an artificial denial, or he wants to know why you would ask that, you might follow with something like this: “I just want you to know that I’m your wife, that I love you and want you to know you don’t have to have secrets, not even one like that.“
The door is open. Hopefully he’ll recognize this as a perfect opportunity to finally tell you. I can promise you, he’s thought about confessing a thousand times but has never gotten up the nerve to drop the bombshell. Now, in his mind, it doesn’t seem like a bombshell. He’s sees a wife who is going to try to understand.
As no two men are the same, there are probably a dozen different directions the conversation can go. As long as you leave anger and accusations off the table, my guess is it may very well go in a positive direction. He wasn’t prepared to face this question, so he may deny his bisexuality to the end, but he’ll also go away realizing he missed a good opportunity and will likely bring it up another day.
Related posts:
I believe statistics that say that most men have a tendency towards bisexuality. The alphamale is heroed by both sexes and most men are sexier than your own right or left hand. If you develop a close bond with another man physical contact becomes more acceptable and even desirable as a confirmation of one’s spiritual closeness. I’ve had a few really close friends and if any one of them actually offered sex I think I would have accepted. Taboos of society prevent offerings of sex outside of marriage or other long-term relationships. This limit our thinking of what should happen after sex and sex become the basis for expectation of how one should act in future. Sex should rather be the confirmation of what has been built in the past. Are we realy meant to have just one relationship/ friendship that is that good?
Ralph, beautifully said . . .
Likewise, so beautifully expressed. Feelings and thoughts that echo for many I’m sure.