Wikipedia defines bisexuality as sexual behavior with emotional [and/or] physical attraction to people of both genders (male and female), or a bisexual orientation. People who have a bisexual orientation “can experience sexual, emotional, and affectionate attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex”; “it also refers to an individual’s sense of personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them.” It is one of the three main classifications of sexual orientation, along with a heterosexual and a homosexual orientation. Individuals who do not experience sexual attraction to either sex are known as asexual.
According to Alfred Kinsey’s research into human sexuality in the mid-20th century, many humans do not fall exclusively into heterosexual or homosexual classifications but somewhere between. The Kinsey scale measures sexual attraction and behavior on a seven-point scale ranging from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). According to Kinsey’s study, a substantial number of people fall within the range of 1 to 5 (between heterosexual and homosexual). Although Kinsey’s methodology has been criticized, the scale is still widely used in describing the continuum of human sexuality.
Those Reporting They are Bisexual by Political-Gender Cohort (VL=Very Liberal, L=Liberal, M=Moderate, C=Conservative, VC=Very Conservative)
Bisexuality has been observed in various human societies and elsewhere in the animal kingdom throughout recorded history. The term bisexuality, however, like the terms hetero- and homosexuality, was only coined in the 19th century. Read the full wikipedia account here.
In my novel, Five Married Men, all five husbands fall into the middle spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual. They love their wives unequivocally and none regret being married, though the weight of society’s mores wears mercilessly on them, along with a lifelong indoctrination as to what defines masculinity. They love their wives but they also face an inner struggle, an identity that they have to keep suppressed, a growing urge for an intimate connection with another male. They fear living out their lives in a painful state of hopeless denial. When the opportunity to explore this side of their nature presents itself, they surrender. They are unable to equate their physical affection for each other as infidelity, but they are racked with guilt over lying to their wives.
Five Married Men explores the unsuccessful stages of denial, the process of taking the first step, the jubilation involved when two bisexual men connect, the arguments for and against guilt, and the consequences for all concerned. The powerful emotions experienced are an integral part of this story, both from the husband’s and the wife’s perspective. Along the way, in this case, they discover a winning solution is difficult if not impossible to find.
Of course that’s not always the case. Many couples, though so many tragically end in divorce, find ways to compromise and even redefine the parameters of their marriage. More often than not, the road is difficult and emotional, but love and mutual respect often prevails, if both partners can find a way to shed “conventional wisdom” and the phantoms of social/religious indoctrination. It takes recognizing the fact, no matter how the marital parameters are redefined, that the foundation of the marriage will always be intact, that love will remain strong and will perhaps grow stronger.
Case in point: From a wife I have communicated with: Neither of us seemed to have negative feelings, in fact, we both were smiling and laughing like Cheshire cats for several days. Seeing my husband give and receive pleasure with a man made me feel closer to him, as if he were sharing a part of himself with me that he had not previously shared.
Biphobia
Wikipedia defines Biphobia as a term used to describe fear of and aversion toward bisexuality and bisexuals as a social group or as individuals. People of any sexual orientation can experience such feelings of fear and aversion. A source of discrimination against bisexuals, biphobia is based on negative bisexual stereotypes and bisexual erasure (denial).
Opinions about this:
I am feeling really disappointed at the moment with Biphobia in the Gay and straight communities. It occurred to me that since the Kinsey research suggests that most people are ‘in between’ in terms of sexuality, there should be LOADS of self-IDing Bisexuals. But they seem to keep it a secret. Is this due to biphobia? I only know one bisexual man and two bisexual girls, but I know a lot more gays than that.
Online I have read posts from lesbians stating that they are angry with bisexual women for cheapening the image of lesbians. This makes me really angry… can’t people understand that sexuality is not usually a choice? there may be cultural influences and people ‘on the scale’, ‘party bisexuals’ and singers like Katie Perry making light of the issue, but surely everyone should just be accepted? From straight to Bicurious to Bisexual to Gay? there is no identity for Bisexuals out there apart from promiscuous/fake/greedy so is it any surprise that people explore their sexuality in any way they can? Does anyone have a right to ask confrontational questions about someone’s sexual history to prove that they are not fake?
If anyone thinks that this is not going on, please ask a bisexual friend (if you can find one) and they will most likely explain how they are not accepted anywhere- as it seems to be acceptable in the Gay community to be Biphobic. It’s crazy.
There are two main reasons for biphobia, in my experience.
1. The vast majority of gays (at least gay men) decide they’re “bisexual” before realizing they’re gay, simply because it seems to “soften the blow” of being gay in the difficult coming out process – whether they’re coming out to themselves or the world. So when a gay guy says he’s bi, it almost always means he’s simply on the way to self-identifying as gay. (Or if he’s a celebrity, he doesn’t want to lose the perception that he could play straight roles. If he’s a musician, he’s afraid delusional tween girls will stop fantasizing about marrying him.)
2. For those of us who are out and constantly defending sexual orientation as not a choice, the idea of bisexuality undermines that idea — at least conceptually. Conservatives can point to a bisexual and say “see, it’s a choice!” when the bisexual experience only applies to a miniscule percentage of the public. Thus, I can understand biphobia, even though I have compassion for everyone wherever they are on the sexual spectrum. I can also understand the resentment, because “party bisexuals” like Katie Perry are free to explore their same-sex attraction and enjoy their full civil rights, while gays cannot (at least not in California).
I’ve been out for 15 years, lived in LA and San Francisco, edited a national gay magazine for 4 years, and still don’t know a single bisexual. I’ve read about them, I’m sure they’re out there, but they simply haven’t been part of my experience.
As for bisexuality undermining the idea of sexuality as ‘not a choice’, I don’t see how it does. Bisexuality is not a choice either. It is just another sexual orientation. A straight girl can choose to kiss another girl and ditto for guys, it does not make them bisexual.
The magazines I read as a teen were full of letters like- I fancy my best friend- does this mean I am gay? And the answer was always- ‘no, don’t worry, you are probably not gay, this is perfectly normal’ – as if being gay is not normal- and they never ever mentioned the possibility of bisexuality. Why does everything have to be black and white? It’s not in the real world. No reasonable person would expect a gay person to ‘choose’ heterosexuality- why should bi’s be expected to conform and choose to like just one sex when they know they like both? The fact that I hear members of the gay community say things like ‘just choose’ to bisexuals, makes me want to smash my head against a wall. Right… just choose… well why don’t they just choose to be straight?
We need to get over this defensive hangover of prejudice against Gays and stop it from causing prejudice against another minority group. It makes me sick.
The Solution
Ha…! Don’t kid yourself. We’re generations away from men being able to reach inside themselves and discover the natural elements of their sexuality, then express themselves openly and honestly. The right-wing factions of our society seems to be moving even further away from this direction. Most men will continue to ignore, deny and pretend. They will continue to strive to live up to established definitions of masculinity, never mind the Greeks and Romans got it nearly right thousands of years ago. Despite our instincts and our natural inclinations, despite our ability to recognize the beauty of human nature, we have come out of the dark ages influenced by tyrannical priests, and today we have men who have adopted their masculine values from TV beer commercials.
Thank God, among us, there are exceptions.
Related posts:
I am a male and have always known that I was attracted to and can have deep romantic and emotional ties to individuals of both sexes. My first intense romantic relationships was with a male, then a female, then a female, then a male. I got married to a woman and was able to be extremely forthright with her that I was bisexual. This would all seem like a good situation: self-awareness, honesty, true love . . . But being bisexual has only gotten harder over the years. In my experience men don’t really want to deal with me on the level of bisexuality: it scares straight men, gay men want me to be gay, and bisexual men seem to be busy trying to figure out if this is an identity they are really going to be able to live with in the real world. My wife and I tried having an open relationship, but I would say that this set her up for all sorts of unrealistic fantasies on the part of men who were more titillated by the idea that she was in some “exotic” relationship, than they were actually loving and caring of her. Women wanted to convince her she was lesbian and rescue her from the obviously gay husband she’d fallen for. I’ve decided that being monogamous works best for me in my relationship to my wife. But she sometimes asks, “so what was that whole ‘bi’ thing about anyway?” — as if it were some fantasy or strange idea I’ve now gotten over. Of course, it isn’t something “to get over.” It was and is a reality of my potential attractions. But people choose their lovers and partners. Theoretically a straight man could be attracted to half the human race — just because a bisexual could theoretically be attracted to the entire human race doesn’t change the facts of life so very much.
Stewart, what came to mind in reading your comment was that you haven’t yet met the right bisexual man, the guy you are in sync with. Perhaps you should bide your time, yet keep your eyes open. If the right guy comes your way, your entire perspective will change again. In your case, I think the right guy should also be willing to include your wife, and accordingly treat her as the lovely female she is as opposed to am enigma of some kind. It does sound like your are fortunate to have a wife that understands. I would talk to her, explain you were somewhat disappointed in your experiences to date, that nothing has changed with you emotionally and that you are considering leaving to door open to future adventures.
Bi guy out since highschool but it has been difficult. In the art world there is a little more acceptance but not much more. I have had my sexual orientation scrutinized by gay men and straight women. Even if I was completely commited and monogomous. My advise to bi men is seek out relationships with bi women and the more accepting “queer” men. There is a lot of discrimination out there don’t expect to be understood. Being out and looking straight meant dozens of “straight” men have come out to me. To be out for man bi men though is you have everything to loose and little to gain. But see if you can at least be out to your female partner.
Posted recently on a forum:
As a guy it was much harder [to admit I am bisexual], and I’ve gone through periods of insisting to myself that I was straight. I’ve told myself that my college experiences didn’t make me really bisexual.
Deep down I think I’ve always known it. I’ve always felt an attraction to women, but also an attraction to other men, although it took a long time to recognize it. The first time a guy came on to me, I felt a combination of fear, excitement, curiosity, and surprise. I’d thought for a long time, “What if I’m bisexual?” But when he kissed me, I wanted to ask him, “Do you know something about me that I don’t?”
The hardest part, though, was wanting to be part of the gay community, and feeling like I should be part of it, but at the same time feeling rejected because according to all my gay friends there was no such thing as bisexuality. And they only knew me as a guy who dated women, they considered me to be just a really tolerant heterosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with tolerant heterosexuals…