Understanding the Male Psyche
Trying to comprehend the male psyche is like trying to comprehend the Universe, but possibly more of a challenge, though worthwhile when considering the particular male you may be interested in.
The first part is easy. His looks. To you he is beautiful. You want someone that looks like him. Done deal as far as that department is concerned. The next part is also fairly easy: the chemistry that’s likely to develop quickly between the two of you, or not develop at all. You like the way he smiles, the way he smells, the feelings you get when you are close. Two bases are covered, chemistry and physical appeal, you’re ready to fall in love. You’re ready, but you’re also facing the possible challenges of the male psyche.
Studies have defined the male psyche by seven categories: shame, emotional absence, insecurity, selfishness, aggression, self-destruction and sexual behavior.
Within these seven categories lies the answer as to whether the two of you are compatible or not. In sync in all seven, great. On the other hand being at odds with just one of them can damage or destroy a relationship, unless one of you are prepared to compromise for the rest of your life, or the other has the ability to recognize a character flaw within himself and is willing to change.
Sometimes, usually at the beginning of a relationship, the signs of a character flaw are subtle, or easily ignored because you are so head-over-heels crazy about him. But eventually you realize that can of beer he never forgets to open after dinner is actually a case and a half over the weekend . . . and you don’t drink!
Seven Categories of the Male Psyche
All seven categories are influenced by the the indoctrination almost every male receives from the moment he is born; it’s either a positive and healthy indoctrination; or a negative one, typically where the boy is taught to be a man within the narrow framework of what so frequently defines masculinity in today’s world. In other words, not enough input from his mother.
Shame
His shame is part of his personality, part of his psyche, based on something he did in the past, or on the way his father treats him, or his accomplishments compared to his brother. Whatever the cause, it affects his ability to flow in harmony with you.
Perhaps he’s ashamed of his sexuality. You sense this when you’re walking down the street together. You sense it when you are intimate with him. He knows he’s gay or bisexual, but he makes love with reserve. Things don’t flow naturally in bed and you may even feel tension.
Emotional Absence
He says he loves you but you can’t feel it. You got excited when Obama won the election; he didn’t care one way or another. You thought it was a wonder play and well-acted; he shrugs his shoulders. Sometimes it seems like he doesn’t care about much at all. More and more. It wears you down.
Insecurity
He worries you don’t love him. He worries about losing his job. He worries when you have to work late, or don’t call him often enough when you’re on a business trip. You feel like you’re carrying a lot of baggage.
Self Involvement
His job matters the most; he’s preoccupied by it way too much. He’s always thinking about something else when you talk to him. He spends more than the budget will allow on clothes, manicures, facials, hobbies, the personal trainer, etc.
Selfishness
He hides the good wine. He never helps with the dishes, prefers relaxing and watching TV. You take out the trash because you’re tired of seeing it spill over, even though he gets home an hour before you do. He’s happy to let you pay most of the bills, but always has money for the things he wants. He won’t give up his workout on the night your mother invites you to dinner. More and more your partnership seems unbalanced.
Aggression
He belittles the waiter at a restaurant. He changes lanes aggressively while driving. He’s dogmatic when getting his point across. He pursues credit whether he deserves it or not. He uses a certain an offensive facial expression when he’s after what he wants. Sometimes he seems like a bully.
Self-destruction
He calls in sick too much. He’s always pessimistic about how events or certain circumstances will go. He won’t stop using drugs. He eats too much, never eats anything healthy. He won’t go to the doctor to have that spot on his back looked at. He’s not careful or thoughtful about the things he say around other people.
Sexual Behavior
He’s only interested in a quick climax. He blatantly stares at mens crotches. He insists you do things that you really don’t care to do. It never seems like he’s into it when you have sex with him. He has a very narrow view of what two men should do in bed together.
All of the above are negative examples of the different elements of a male psyche. Most would interfere with the harmony of a compatible relationship. Most flawed personalities display only one or two of these negative traits. Most men have perfectly agreeable personalities, but might suffer one of these negative characteristics. It’s a matter of encouraging him to regonize this peculiar behavior, then finding out if he’s interested in correcting the problem, then helping him find a way to do so.
Conversely, these same categories can be defined with positive characteristics, which would be the reason some guys are simply so adorable, maybe even too good to be true. But there is something about men I am drawn to, that average guy, that fellow human being that sees so many things the same way I do. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have to make my way through ingrained sensibilities that I don’t understand. Though some may not put their natural qualities in play, perhaps it’s their potential for integrity, bravery, honesty and naivety that draws me in.
Today’s Male Psyche
The indoctrination starts at immediately after birth; in America, usually just after he’s had his foreskin cut off (does this affect the psyche?) Dad comes in and places a football in the crib; since he’s a boy mom doesn’t bother to add a teddy bear; the problems start here.
Everything we experience from that moment forward are the seeds to the adult male psyche, good or bad, positive or negative (and too often negative) which makes for the stereotypical male. We’re taught to be real men. We don’t cry. Were told to mow the yard, not help mom with the laundry. We’re taught and expected to look like men, act like men, and care about manly things. We’re expected to hit a home run on the softball team, excel in math, and stand up to the bully that big enough to knock the crap out of us. We’re trained to be predators, protectors and conquerors. We not expected to sing, or dance, or read, or join the band, or sign up for a part in the school play. When were older, we’re expected to like girls, but never taught anything about them, but certainly not anything about the fact that some boys actually prefer other boys.
The indoctrination takes place over the course of our entire childhood, including the teenage years, which so often leads to all the anxieties, complexes and misguided interpretations that so many men suffer these days, which also leads to the failed relationships in a man’s life. To break the mould, a man has to take it upon himself to see the world in a different light, to invest time in his own education in humanity, to identify the kind of man he wants to be and then strive to accomplish that.
Where to From Here?
It’s been said people don’t change. By in large this is true; by the time we are adults with identifiable negative character traits, they are part of our psyche. But I firmly believe, when all the bluster and stereotypical manisms are stripped away, that underneath the facade, you’ll find in most men a natural, sensitive male. These tolerable and far more enjoyable characteristics expose themselves from time to time in most men: the charm, the naivete, the innocense, the desire to please and enjoy life. If you can get there, deep down below the surface, down to the natural part of his psyche that was formed by his genes, not by his lifelong environment, you’ll get to the man who wants to learn and be loved.
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