Given the fact bidet use  is common in so many countries around the world, why are Americans so reluctant to embrace this method of personal hygiene?

In case you’re not familiar with them, that’s a bidet on the right.

Simply put, even though toilet tissue is better than nothing, it doesn’t get you clean.  It smears, leaves residues that molder between your cheeks until your next shower; but you know that already, don’t you?  Hence the purpose of this article.  If you want things fresh and clean down there, you have to use water.  The easiest way to do that is with a bidet.

American men, from what I gather, think things like this are for women.  Not so, unless you don’t mind what the tissue leaves behind ending up on your underwear, or if you don’t mind tainting the air when you pull your pants down.  Human beings don’t have to smell that way down there.  If you spend time washing your hands after relieving yourself, why not a couple extra minutes cleaning your anus?

An excerpt from a piece I recently read:

Despite its mystique — and its reputation for being a fixture primarily for women — the bidet (pronounced “bih-DAY”) is nothing for the brawny American man to fear.

STEP ONE
It’s fairly obvious what step one is.
STEP TWO
Wipe like you would normally wipe.
STEP THREE
Flush like you would normally flush.
STEP FOUR
Adjust water temperature and pressure on the bidet. Remember, your nether-regions are sensitive…
STEP FIVE
Squat and enjoy as a powerful stream of water cleans your delighted anus.

Many men were first introduced to the bidet when stationed in France during World War I. After a lascivious romp with a “mistress of the evening,” U.S. soldiers observed these vivacious vixens rinsing themselves off with this fascinating French invention. Perhaps those desperate, horny men were the first to perceive the full potential of the bidet in America.

Usually located adjacent to the toilet, the bidet provides a level of cleanliness that just can’t be achieved with mere wiping, douching, or showering. The user adjusts the temperature and water pressure of the bidet, and then sits or squats on the fixture. With the flip of a lever, a jet of water surges reassuringly over the user’s sensitive anatomical features, providing a sensation of refreshment and rejuvenation.

Needless to say, this has always been an enticing concept for women — especially during that magical time of the month, or after a particularly lively tumble among the sheets. Consequently, the bidet caught on fast in Europe (over 97% of Italian bathrooms now have one). So why don’t we see more bidets here in the U.S.?

Perhaps it just hasn’t gotten trendy yet. Like the Beatles, another European import, the bidet may just need the proper exposure in America to develop a huge fan base.

Or maybe it’s because we think the bidet is just simply another Euro-kinky concept, along the lines of men’s bikini bottoms, nude beaches, and obtrusive sex shops.

Then again, we just may not be willing to give up precious real estate in our already-cramped bathrooms.

But I think the real reason why the bidet hasn’t caught on in America is this: American men have been too wary of accepting this traditionally feminine fixture. So now I’d like to address the men of America:

After a good bowel movement, we need to understand that there is nothing wrong with the pleasure derived from a powerful jet of water gushing directly into our tender, still-quivering rectums. Remember: cleanliness is next to godliness.

Bidets these days are as tough as the jacked-up 4WD pick-ups in our garages. With solid, uni-body construction, super-high pressure capabilities, a bidet can be the 40 lb. workhorse of the bathroom. But besides being tough, modern bidets are also refined and user-friendly. With heated seats, ergonomic push-button controls, and simple installation guides, there’s never been a better time to own a bidet. Recommended brands: USABidet, Hav-A-Seat, American Standard, and Mrs. Bidet.

So, men, when considering the bidet, please think of the pleasures, comfort, hygiene, versatility, and spousal thank-you sex that it will bring into your life.

Let’s just say the enthusiastic author of that piece is enlightened.  Anyway, maybe you don’t have room in your bathroom or in your budget for a bidet.  Use the sink.  Get the water going, right temperature, hop up there and splash with your hand until you’re clean.  Say goodbye to stained underwear and unnecessary fowl odor forever.

And to the ninety-seven percent of Italians who have a bidet in your home, quit laughing; we’re Americans and we’re still learning.

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