Of all the bisexual husbands out there, a few join forces with their wives to find the solution. The following is from an online bi married male group. It reflects an element I think is important if you’re looking to get the most from a third party relationship; the connection. Not likely that it’s love, but it’s in that family of emotions.
Once the hard relationship crisis started to ease after my wife found a copy of something I had sent to an online contact, my wife’s bottom line issues turned out to be: a) she didn’t want to be abandoned and b) she wanted to be INcluded rather than EXcluded in my “whole” personality including the part that had been secretive and fearful. So, it appeared the ball was sorta back in MY court. I didn’t feel experienced in gay issues, but I had more contact and experience than SHE did so it felt to be my role to try to find ways to start bring my straight wife along. We tried to be open and creative…to find things to do that I might have done alone but now we would do them together. We both went to San Diego’s Pride activities, for example. We read a lot—on any related topic. We went to a bisexual support group here in San Diego. Another thing we did was do some online chatting with people together….men who represented they were married but had interests in men, bisexuals, etc.
We got connected with a married guy who said he lived in PHX. He said he had experienced some bisexual activity before he was married while in college and was interested in trying to do it again. He would start a scenario and then send it to us to pick up where he left off, develop the story a bit further and then send it back to him. Not long into the connection he said his job was bringing him to our area to attend a convention, trade show, or seminar. Plans were made to meet. The night before he was to arrive we got an email saying that somehow his wife got access to the email stream that had passed between he and us. Furthermore, his email address suddenly had been deleted. We were upset—not so much that we weren’t going to get to meet him after all—but more from the standpoint that if what he said was true he and his wife would be in a mortal struggle as we had been not so long before. We found out later, though, that what he had described he’d done while in college was kind of “boiler plate” erotic fantasy—that the “bones” of the story he told was familiar. What was new wasn’t the story…but my wife and I! We also came into some fairly reliable knowledge later that supported he had pretty much “chickened out” of the idea of meeting us. Such is life on the ‘net! What we realized, though, was that in passing the fantasy story-line back and forth, and our email exchanges with him had served to “bring us along” in certain ways—ways that we kinda needed at that moment.
It began to emerge in our thought that if my wife didn’t want to be abandoned…and wanted to be INcluded rather than EXcluded…that looking for (and maybe finding) another male who had interests and energies for both sides of the gender bed might be a workable way to wrap my interests in men and her wish to be INcluded all together. After all…it would be difficult to feel excluded if you were actually being included.
Where to look? (smile) My effort went in a couple different directions. A lot of male/male contact happens under the umbrella of “massage.” Pick up any gay oriented paper and there’s likely to be a plethora of ads for guys who will come to your place and do massage. I thought, “Well, one way of trying this whole thing to see what our reaction would be would be to hire someone who was ‘in the business’ in the first place.” I remember calling one guy and asking if he ever did m/f couples. He said that he had some experience doing that, quoted rates, etc.
At the same time there were several local online bulletin boards that were gay-oriented. One, in particular seemed to have a large amount of bisexual members. In addition this particular BBS (Bulletin Board Service) had quite an detailed profile questionnaire. You could disclose many things about your tastes, interests, preferences, limits, etc. One of the items had to do with whether you were open to being with more than one person at a time. I would scan the profile information for guys who were, among other things, bisexual, in a reasonable age range, not too far away, and who were interested or open to being with more than one person at a time. There was a smattering of interest but nothing really “clicked” for a while. Then, one September evening I happened to come across a guy who was a software engineer working late on the weekend at a location not too far away….and while taking a break was online on the BBS. Yes, he was bisexual. Yes, he liked the thought/was open to more than one person at a time…and a married couple was good, maybe even better. Yes, he was healthy, clean, and disease free. I proposed he meet us more or less half-way between where we were and where he was at a coffee shop. He was interested. I asked my wife, and she was open. So, about 9:30 or 10:00 we headed out to meet this guy. On the way, I asked my wife, “If we like this guy are you up to doing some kind of quickie with him…maybe a blowjob or something?” “We gotta start somewhere!”
He was tall. Medium blonde hair. Blue eyes. Nice looking with a kind of boyish vulnerability about him. He had been in the USMC. He had also lived in CO for a while; we also lived in CO but in a different part of the state. The meeting went well. As we were leaving the restaurant I took a deep breath and asked, “Are you up to going with us and doing a blow job or something?” He said, “Sure!”
It was too far to return to our home for whatever lay ahead of us. So, I headed inland away from the ocean to an area where that has a reasonably good cover of eucalyptus trees and large, estate parcels of land. I figured we could find somewhere at that time of night what was reasonably remote and private. We were driving a full-sized Buick stn wgn with fabric interior and reclining seats. He was in the front passenger seat, my wife immediately behind. The seat reclined a little and some “getting to know you contact” began to happen. I reached over with my free hand and found a nice thigh and a growing bulge where it was supposed to be. We soon found a remote place in the moonlight alongside a horse pasture and by that time didn’t need anyone to do formal introductions anymore. It was a kind of “high-school-ish” thing to do…but that’s how our “first time” happened for us. We continued to see this fellow (but not again in the Buick) for several years after that.
Someone said in a posting in this thread, (paraphrasing) “Remember this is about sex and not about love.” Maybe so. We learned, however, that interest isn’t hard to find…but compatibility is another thing altogether. We learned that there’s a group of guys out there who have a favorite erotic fantasy of having sex with a m/f couple. For these guys we, as the m/f couple represent a kind of “E-ticket ride” in an adult, erotic Disneyland—a kind of thrilling, erotic, sexual ride. Trouble is, when the ride is over—either at Disneyland or with the couple, the ticket (or the couple) that gave the guy the ride gets thrown away with the other refuse that lays beside the sidewalk. We quickly learned being treated that way doesn’t feel very good……and tried to find ways to plumb the underlying motive of someone who was interested so we could avoid those thrill-seekers. Even though we didn’t ever get into a “committed relationship” with any of the men we’ve met, the guys who seemed just to be looking for a recreational roll in some hay were a small minority. It may not have been “love,” but it also wasn’t about 3 sets of genitals playing with each other sans the head, heart, and emotions.
Sometimes we felt we were like a sex therapist for a man we would meet. We seemed to find guys who had fantasized about m/m sex but seemed to appreciate the idea that they weren’t going to be exploring/experimenting with another guy solo. This seemed as if being with a m/f couple offered the familiarity of a woman present plus the opportunity to explore/experience with a man at the same time. Partly it might have been a touch of “performance anxiety” in that having a woman present the guy was more confident he could “keep it up.” Just another guy…unknown and the thought of losing his erection was an embarrassing thought. Another thing some seemed to try hard to avoid was the label “gay.” A truly “gay” man would never try to be sexual with a woman…or with a woman present so being with a m/f couple seemed to offer some protection against having to take the label “gay.”
An individual’s sexual orientation is a point on an infinite spectrum of possibilities. Each person is different. Some are smack dab in the middle—equally attracted to males and females. Others are nearer in attraction to their opposite gender. Others are more attracted to their same gender. In our particular case it works better for us to be with someone who is in that center range…or perhaps more skewed to male/male contact. The least gratifying for us is someone who is skewed beyond a certain point to hetero contact.
Neither of us is much of a passive voyeur. If we’re there, we like to be involved. If the action ends up being more intense or focused between the guest and just one of us the other would rather give the “happy couple” their privacy.
