A plea that could be repeated countless times by men around the world, rooted in an age-old conflict: A man has a great desire to be married, build a life and a family with a woman, yet his natural desire for a man is overwhelming.
From a support group for bisexual married men:
I’d like to start by saying that I love my wife, we are very happy, and our sex life is good. We have been married for about a year and are expecting a child in a few months, both of us are very excited about that. When I asked my wife to marry me I made a commitment to her that I would never be with anyone else and I plan on honoring that vow. I did not have very many sexual encounters in my teens or twenties just a few one night stands and short relationships all heterosexual. I told myself that I was waiting for the perfect girl which is now my wife.
With that being said I have always fantasized and masturbated about being with a man. I would say that about ninety percent of the time my sexual fantasies involve men, and sometimes I even think about it when I’m having sex with my wife. I don’t like having these thoughts, but I have always had them. I don’t think that I could ever be with a man emotionally, ordering pizza and snuggling on the couch with a man on a Friday night is not something that I think I would enjoy. Before I got married I did meet a man on the internet and we were going to meet up, but I chickened out. I think now that I’m married, the fact that I can’t do that any more or have that option is driving me crazy. I seem to think about it more and more, a lot more than I ever did before I got married.
I guess I would just like some help to minimize these thoughts, I know that they will most likely never go away and I have come to accept the fact the I am bisexual even though I have never been with a man. Like I said I don’t plan on experimenting with a man even though I’m sure I would like it (and that could be what I’m scared of) I made a promise to my wife and I plan on keeping it. I feel like I am being unfair to my wife by having these thoughts, but I do love her more than any one in the world as both a friend and a lover. I could not ever image loosing what we both have together.
Thanks
There are no easy answers. One man, two distinctly different desires. Society and the church defines what’s right and wrong in situations like this, but is that definition compatible with Mother Nature? Who’s to say what’s right or wrong when instincts are so powerful? I fully sympathize with this man, though I personally can’t understand why a guy would want a physical relationship with another man without an emotional connection.
Related posts:
From a retired man:
I have not come out to my wife yet but need to soon. She caught me masturbating with a guy on webcam. That hurt her a lot am sorry for it, but glad I got caught. It started to open some dialog with us. I am seeing a therapist specifically focused on exploring my sexuality. Every time I come back from a session she asks me how my session went. I usually just say “OK”. Lately I have been telling her some of what we discuss, or relate some insight I gained. One insight was learning about the Kinsey scale. Everyone can be rated on their sexual orientation on a scale from 0 to 6, 0 being completely straight and a 6 being completely gay. Most people, based on attractions and experience, fall somewhere between 0 and 6. A 3 is bi-sexual. I most likely would fall at about 2 or so. I prefer women but have been attracted to men sexually since my early 20′s and have been having sex with men off and on for 35 years. My wife MAY fall at about a 1 or so as she had lived with a woman for a year in her 20′s but has not had any sexual contact with women since. All her friends are women and for the most part they seem to be very close and emotional relationships, but not sexual ones.
Skip to the present. I have begun to go nude around the house, wear men’s thongs, go to a clothing optional sauna, shave my genitals and just recently had my right ear pierced. She is very smart and intuitive so my guess is she suspects I may tell her I am attracted to guys. One thing she asked before I got my ear pierced was be sure to get the “correct” ear pierced. The saying was “Left is right and right is gay”. I got my right right pierced so when I came home she asked “So do I have a gay husband?” I could have taken the opportunity to say something like “No, only half gay.” but I just said no. Not the right time I guess.
From Jim
I am 62 and just coming to terms with my bi-sexuality. My first experience was at 19 when I was in the service and just back from Vietnam. A guy picked me up hitch hiking back to the base and we went to his house. A couple of days later the same guy picked me up again. Both times he just gave me a BJ and I did nothing, but I liked the idea of being with a man. After the service I had a couple of passive encounters similar to the above with men, then I got married. I was married for 10 years in the 70′s and was faithful up until the end when the desire to have sex with a man grew too strong and I felt I had to act it out. I did and we got divorced as a result.
I was divorced for 5 years and went a little wild, having sex with men, women, straight and bi couples. I really enjoyed the sex and did not feel guilty. Then I met my wife and I stopped seeing men, or anyone but her. I feel she saved me. If I had continued with what I was doing in the 80′s I would surely be dead by now as all the sex I had was unprotected. We have, of had a great sex life. By had I mean several times a week in the beginning, sometimes 3 times in one day. My wife is very responsive in bed. We have a very good relationship out of bed as well. We are very committed to each other and very much in love. Sexually though after 25 years of faith full marriage and after menopause, my wife can go 2 months and not feel frisky. She is still very responsive once we start sex, it is just the starting that is difficult. She likens herself to an old car that works well, it just takes awhile to get it started but once running it purrs like a kitten is responsive to your every touch.
So after 25 of being faithful, except for masturbating to images of men, the old feelings came back. I was on-line with a web cam masturbating with a guy and my wife caught me. She was very direct in confronting me, but talked to me in a way that said “I want to know what is going on with you.” and “Don’t lie to me.” and “Are you are sorry you got married and wish you had developed a relationship with a man instead?” We both support LGBT rights and know several couples who are or were in this situation. One couple has a trangendered husband (man to women) and the wife stayed with him/her. We both have compassion, respect and empathy for what other couples have are dealing with. I just don’t know how my wife will react when she is told about HER husband.
I no longer get on-line, too many ways to get caught, besides it occupies all my free time when my wife is out of the house. Instead I joined a local clothing optional mixed sauna and a local nude men only sauna. Both places have a sauna, hot tub, pool and acres to walk around nude. I told my wife about the mixed couple one but not the men only one. I invited her to go with me but she said no. My plan is to make plans with my wife so I can go to the mixed sauna but at times go to the men only sauna instead. Have met a few times with men there for casual sex. Some good, some not so good. My therapist tells me I am not a true bi-sexual as I am not attracted to men, except for sex. Men do not turn my head on the street like women do. Having said that though, when I meet a man at the sauna I want someone who is about my age or up to about 10 years younger, fit and trim, reasonably good looking, clean shaven, quiet but confident and circumcised. In short, someone who turns me on. So much for not being attracted to men. My therapist also tells me I am searching for an intimate relationship with a man. I just don’t know right now.
What I can tell you is I fine sex with men very exciting, but I love having sex with my wife too. I always play safe with men, asking them to wear a condom but I do not unless they ask me. Fear of HIV is very real for me. Just last week I met a guy at the sauna and had great sex with him, spending about an hour together and laying beside each other after we were through. I am no longer passive as before. It felt really great and I think I decided that I really am bi. At least I know I really enjoy sex with men.
Having accepted I enjoy sex with men and do not want to deny that part of me any linger, I feel more myself. I feel more connected to other people, including my wife. I no longer am trying to hide that side of me. If someone finds out, or I am intentionally outed by someone, let the chips fall where they may. In short, I feel much more secure in who I am and no longer feel I have this monkey on my back.
But how and when to tell my wife? Ideally I would like her to accept my bi side and let me go off and have sex with men but have us stay together. Don’t know if that is possible. Don’t know what my wife will think, say or do when she learns it is HER husband who is bi.
From Kurt
I’ve been monogamous all 23 years I’ve been married. My wife and I have worked very hard to make it work, and over the last couple of years, we have improved our marriage significantly. Our first two decades together were marked by infrequent, unsatisfying sex. We now have what I think is some fantastic sex, and she seems to have overcome her hangups, such as oral, anal, etc. She only started having orgasms about three years ago, after I brought my sexuality to the fore. Maybe she was shocked into dropping her inhibitions?
The thing is, I’m not addressing my needs. I don’t feel much in common with most guys’ situations. Not that I’m not exactly the same as them; I am! But I don’t travel, don’t have buddies who I hang out with, etc. I know full well that if I were traveling on business, and bumped into another guy who shared a mutual attraction, we would be in bed together in no time.
I don’t feel that there’s much narrative from the ‘tempted, but still monogamous’ perspective in support groups, either in person or online. This is keeping me stalled. I thought that being able to tell my story would make me feel better, and give me a fresh outlook. We have high school age kids, and I very selfishly think that if I can just hang on for a few more years, maybe I’ll be able to indulge myself. My wife and I are also planning on moving and retiring when the kids go to college. This makes me feel real shitty. This dynamic is a strain for me. I have yet to find somebody in a similar situation. When I have attended support groups, I end up feeling alienated, and even envy some of the guys, whose lives have improved after divorce.
I’ve had five male partners, all in a brief period between 1983-86, and this strikes many as unusual. I’m a very different person than I was back then. I’m much more comfortable with my sexuality, and I know that the most efficient way to find out my true path would be to hook up with another guy. This, I feel, would be tantamount to jumping off the grand canyon to determine if it’s really just a hologram. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but how do I stop my own pain?
From Rxx
I’ve been married 23 years and have been monogamous during that time. I am out to my wife, consider myself more gay than bi, even though I am in the fairly unsual situation of never having had any sexual experiences with other men. I came to my understanding and acceptance of my sexuality in middle age and came out to my wife about 18 months ago. I have been working on authenticity issues since then and, together, my wife and I have been working on a “solution” that works for us within the context of our marriage. She has given me freedom to “explore” but, to date, I haven’t done so as I’m still looking at how that might fit in with the rest of my life. I certainly do relate to men who are intimate with other men, and I am certainly tempted from time to time. And I find my situation at times very difficult and painful. But I am married to a wonderful woman who is prepared to work with me to forge a new relationship, one built in openness and honesty. We don’t know where the path will lead … there are many possibilities. Our bottom line is that neither of us end up happy to the other person’s detriment. We have to find a mutually affirming place in which to share our lives together. Still lots of work to do … but I remain optimistic we will find that place in time.
Jay from South Africa
I’m 31, married with 3 small kids, not out to my wife, and guess of
significance too that I am a mental health professional.
I’ve known that I’m attracted to guys from about the age of 16.
However, I never wanted the lifestyle, and very family-centred, and so
chose instead to get married to and start a family with a woman who
shares my values and a woman I love, my wife.
The first year of marriage was tough, but things have progressively
got better from that. It’s been 5 years now and I feel very blessed.
My wife is the only person, male or female, that I have ever had sex
with, and despite several temptations, I have managed to stay that way
thus far. I hope this comes out right. I’ve learnt over time that my
values feel more important to me than my desires. I would like to
experience sex with a man, but also know that the very thought of
being deceitful to my wife is too painful for me.
Each of us has our own way of coping. My way of coping is lots of gay
porn, and a number of gay friends whom I’m open to about my sexuality.
I appreciate them, and they seem to appreciate being able to talk
about gay and sexual things without needing to play the “sexual mating
game”. Some of them have expressed sexual interest in me but I’ve
turned them down as I’m not ready.
Like someone said on another post, I have a feeling my wife knows more
than she let’s on. I would like to have that conversation with her
later on this year, while things are still good. And would like to
also ask her about opening the marriage for me. But, different guys
have different opinions on that. What I do know is that I can’t do
this behind her back, and I’m not a promiscuous guy.
From a guy in New Jersey
I am a married 47 year man from New Jersey. I have
known since I was a teen that I was sexually attracted to men. Since I am
the youngest of a large traditional family with a very strong,
overbearing, opinionated father and brothers who were much older I knew I
would not be accepted being gay so I did like so many of us did and went
the straight route. I married at 22 to a girl that was a friend since we
were children. It was an easy connection, we were friends already. We
actually have had a very good marriage and have one son who is graduating
college this year. I have not been faithful to my wife over the years,
which she does not know. I would hook up with a guy maybe once a year or
so. This started when I was in my mid thirties. After the hook up I
would feel dirty inside and full of guilt. I would swear to myself that I
would never have sex with a man ever again. Then some time would pass and
I would start to look all over again.
The last year has changed quite a bit. I met a guy who has become a
regular buddy. He is the first that I have feeling for but since both of
us are married we can not commit to each other. This can be very hard for
me at times. He helped me come out of my shell and enjoy being gay. I no
longer feel the guilt that I once felt and now desire being with a man all
the time. I have become very sexually active with many different guys.
Safe sex always. I think me and my buddy are in competition with each
other.
I am going through a real tough patch in my life. I was always the good
guy. Did for everyone else. tried to make everyone happy. Now I am the
one that is not happy. I want to be me and do things to make me happy
which means being a gay man. The difficult part is I love my wife and
can’t bare to hurt her. She would be devastated if I told her the truth
about me but at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can keep this
inside. I used to think there was no way for me to come out but now the
thought doesn’t seem so scary. This transition I am going through is all
I have on my mind.
I have been reading testimonials like this all over the Web, and I now wonder if men should be in “committed” relationships with women, given the directions men are pulled in sexually. Quite frankly, it seems HOPELESS. I don’t have the answer to this man’s dilemma, but his commentary reinforces my distrust of males, as do the subsequent responses. Perhaps he should just tell her he’s “Bi” and let the chips fall where they may. I am a heterosexual woman and I doubt that I will EVER be involved with a man again.
My friend, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had the same feeling for the 24 yrs of my marriage and just this year laid with another man…it was wonderous, until my wife found out. We are still married but it has taken many hours of talking, crying (both of us) and counselling. Trust me my brother, talk to your wife now, not 24 years from now.
I dont know if i should pipe up or not cause well i’m a bi sexual woman and i have had very little experience with this. i grew up not knowing that loving someone of the same sex was wrong. ok honestly neither was weed or drinking but i wont go there in this. I was in High school and a foster home before i realized this was an issue. however by than i knew i was Bi and was very open and honest about it. I have been with a few woman over the years and i enjoy them as much as i do men. However the difference is am seeing is simply honesty. I have always been open and honest with myself and those around me. I am what i am love me or leave me. If you knew before you got married than i think you should have been honest about it. I think that like the 2 gentlemen before me have said experimenting might be in your best interest. However i don’t know what to tell you as to how to do it. i think you do owe it to yourself and your wife to be honest. because this will and can eat away at you and lead you to do something at a later date that might do more harm to your marriage. you are only a year into your marriage and if you want to stay together and weather this you can weather anything. I think you have alot to think about and need to do what you think is right and not what people on the internet tell you. Also Find yourself a good GLBT therapist.
Another reply to the original thread:
I am new here too and am just dealing with my bi-sexuality now at 62. My
only advice to you is to figure out who you are sexually before your
marriage goes on for years. My first marriage of 10 years ended because I
was having sex with men. My second marriage of 25 years might end because
of sex with men. Please don’t let this happen to you. Figure out who you
are. Do not try to supress your feelings about men. If you are truly
attracted to men, the feeling will not go away just because having them is
hard to deal with. You owe this much to your wife, your child and to
yourself. You deserve to live a life with someone you are sexually
compatible with and so does your wife. Work on it now and get it right the
first time. Trying to do it over later, after much of the damage has been
done, is much more complicated
A reply from another member:
I was 60 when I confronted my sexuality. Lots of people assumed I was gay for my whole adult life. I rationalized that my attraction to men is aesthetic (some men are pleasing to me like any other thing of beauty). Unlike you, I never was sexually active with me. My best friend in high school & I jacked off each other probably hundreds of times. I was having panic attacks & went to a therapist (who happens to be gay) & he has helped me. I just told my wife: “I have something to tell you” & I told her that I am bi & that I find some men attractive & that I in fact know I could fall in love with a man. I was just very honest with her & showed her my little collection of naked men pictures, told her which guys are attractive to me, that men have come on to me (‘tho I thot that happened to every man). it was devastating to her — she missed 2 weeks of work (crying most of that time — she lost some weight also). She read a book, “The Other Side of the Closet” which is a book about spouses married to gay/bi persons. She really hated it,but I think it was useful for her. She went to therapy with me. I have had sex with a man (same guy) twice, mostly as an experiement for me (this sounds like you) & it was VERY nice for me, & I sometimes remember his kisses etc., but I won’t see him (or any man) again. I think I am mostly hetero, because I don’t feel an uncontrollable urge to be with a man.
We have been married 33 years. Frankly, our sex life has slowed down, but I am not sure what that is — age? I will be praying for you. It sounds as if you have been dealing with this for awhile. I told my wife within the first couple of months after I came out to myself. I think that made a huge difference.