Another story that came my way which presents powerful human emotion: the battle in a man’s head who loves his wife and is also driven by his attraction to men. Surely there is balance for couples like this, and many have found it, but for most, a lack of understanding and the strictures of our modern-day moral codes prevent emotional solutions.
My wife and I had not had sex in many years, after a slow atrophy of interest and increasing performance issues on my part. I have shared this with only one old friend. I knew my reawakened interest in men and discovery of male porn was a large part of it, but job changes, body changes, tensions around parenting all become the convenient excuses. I was also ashamed to admit that as she put on some weight and aged, and I was working around many younger and attractive women and men, I found her less attractive. Objectively, she is still attractive, energetic, smart, funny, and accomplished, and I feel strong love, but not sexual excitement like I did. I do not want to lose her, we are soul mates.
She knew I had sex with men before marriage, though not the full extent, and I thought that was all over and I loved her so much and sex in the first years or our marriage was great. Then 4 years go, and continuing for about a year up to the day I turned 60, I had a fling with a married man in his mid 40’s. I felt very bad about doing this and it came when I was feeling particular low or other reasons, and yet was compulsive about seeing the other man, who had no guilt on his side and had a European attitude of acceptance of affairs while having a solid marriage. He was just into having a companion and playful sex while missing his wife, and had clearly done this before. I was stunned how good it felt and was also flattered to be found attractive and sexy by a younger guy. The contrast to a home life of stress and feeling harangued and unappreciated (and and appreciating) all the time was huge.
The fling was possible because for the last 7 years I have worked a job 4 hours away from our home and we have a separate house in the other town. The other married man’s wife and son were back in Europe and he only saw them every 10 weeks.
I have just reentered therapy as my wife and I have agreed I need to determine what our relationship is going to be as we plan our “retirement” although I must work another 5-7 years, but she has only one more year. We set our anniversary, this August, for me to lay out my feelings – it is scary but one of the things we have discussed when both depressed is that maybe we would separate as she is not getting her needs met either. As I write today, the relationship is better, but no sexual. I have thought about us getting counseling aimed at enhancing our sex life but fearful my attraction to men would surface in the talking. We have seen some sudden splits out of marriage by men our age lately, for other reasons, which is why this possible outcome arises in her mind.
Just starting therapy, and impulsively also a blog, I have realized I need to both find a renewed physical love with her, but also need to talk about and even act out my interests in men. I told this on day one to the therapists, the most honest I have ever been in counseling. My wife and I did some brief couples counseling once during a period of child rearing stress, and it helped us, but I completely avoided the issue that my diminished sexual appetite might have gay/bi reasons. The libido came back with her after that time. Now I think the courageous thing to do in the end is to tell about my urges and perhaps about the fling. I think I also want to have sex again with men in the future.
We have a two week trip to Britain, some with friends but a week by ourselves, coming up, and I hope to use it to renew our own physical/sexual relationship – we reconnect much better on these trips that our current 2 o 3 day a week together life allows. August, the deadline for me to put out my vision for our retirement ears, happens to also be our 24th wedding anniversary. I feel like I need to feel secure in my long term commitment and love to her, before I then add the news about my orientation and urges.
Is it impossible for a happily married man (or woman) to have a special same-sex friend, even if that friendship sometimes involves intimacy? In the scheme of things pertaining to great marriages, and given the scope of the human mind for rationality, I think not, not when mutually agreeable circumstances and a clear perspective is allowed to come into play.Pin It