I came received this from a feed linked to an Internet community for gay and bisexual husbands, a collection of men of all ages and circumstances scattered around the United States.  It’s a series of questions many gay and bisexual married men live with everyday.  Despite your personal convictions, we have to make way for those who grapple in different ways with the genes they were born with .

1. Do we embrace our love of men with acceptance, even joy, instead of feeling bad about it?

2. Do we embrace the love of our wives as central, or is that lessened or weakened by our attractions to men (even if we do not act on those, but certainly if we do)

3. Do we tell our wives this is a part of who we are, or do we find we need to keep that part of ourselves hidden but diminish or eliminate the guilt we have in our pursuits

4. Can we find men for our particular needs of male sexual pleasure without that pursuit itself detracting from our other love and life responsibilities, or does that pursuit itself have a negative impact on us (obsessive use of pornography or search time, lack of positive results and so frustration, stealing time from family or work or friends in searching or acting out sex with men)

5. What is the honest sexual continuum we feel? Lots or little desire for our wives even if we love them? Lots or little need for male sexual action even if we say we love our wives primarily.

6. Are we really gay and if so what does that mean for the marriage? Can we stay in it because of our non-sexual love and history with her is so important for us, or does it cal into question the entire marriage?

7. If we do tell her, what kind of accommodation do we imagine or want? Acceptance but no on-going talk about it (don’t ask, don’t tell), sharing of some particulars in stories, participation by her in some of our sexual forays, permission and encouragement for her to have her own outside sexual liaisons? a wide open marriage that accepts one or both of you may find sexually and emotionally compelling others for stretches of time, yet you are able to stay together?

8. Who are we drawn to and can we attract them and what is that all about? Younger men, men our age, older men? Gay men? Dads? Short hot encounters or longer more casual friends with benefits? And then there is that whole issue of finding what positions and roles you want to be in and having the gumption to go after it.

9. How does sex with men fit into our other life issues? (a bigger issue the older we get) Retirement? Having good men friends of a non-sexual kind? Pursuit of professional or community or personal interests? Having fun? Working on our “spiritual” side or defining the larger meaning of our lives?

10. How widely do we want our real self to be known? Wife? Whole family? Circle of friends? Community?

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