Here’s a blog written by a thoughtful Bi-married guy in Toronto. I think he’s on to something. He’s organized a group for bi-married guys in Toronto to get together and socialize, even develop deep personal friendships. Every city needs something like this, since bisexual men identify with each other and can form honest open friendships without keeping up that familiar facade. Check the blog out at The Bi Married Mafia.
From Bi Gentleman in Toronto:
Last night I had the occasion to go to a Blue Jays game with a new buddy from out Bi Married Beer Night. We had a great time (and to boot the Blue Jays mopped up on the Minnesota Twins!) We watched the game, made some noise, talked deep between innings, and drank beer. After the game, we went to Nathan Philips Square with what seemed the rest of Toronto and talked late about life, marriage, relationships, exes (which he spent an hour lecturing on why he thinks mine are delusional) and pretty much anything else that was relevant to our lives at this time.
These beer buddies, meet once every couple of weeks at a local pub. We sit around and joke, laugh, and talk. Most are married and deeply in the closet. Most struggle to walk this life with some measure of “clarity and decency. “ For most, this is the only group of people that have some idea of the truths of the lives that we live. Most of us chat a few times a week with each other on the internet and have actually become friends… some are more to themselves.
There is an African Proverb that says, “He who never travels thinks that his mother is the best cook.” The power of perspective and experience cannot be understated.
I am a fortunate man. I have a number of deeply close straight friends that I can talk to about just about anything. They know about me (and I know their stories as well) and we talk. I love these straight friends like my own family and have been fortunate to receive that love and acceptance back. Still there are some things that, though I can surely tell them about… they just are unable to fully “get” simply because of the limitations of their experiences and understandings.
I have come to the place where I can talk to my wife about just about anything as well. I know that being out to my wife is surreal enough on its own, but we have talked nitty gritties as well. Her: “So what does it mean to be a Top or a Bottom?” Me: (Smart ass answer) “Oh that’s about what kind of pyjamas you wear!!” But again there are things that I just can’t (or would prefer not to) talk to her about… probably because I feel that I have placed enough burdens on her as is.
The Bi/Gay married life, as I have lived and learned from others, is fraught with secrets, confusion, loneliness and often sadness and depression. I receive literally dozens and dozens of emails from married men, from all over the world, trying to live and make sense of their lives. I try to answer as many as I can, with a measure of depth, but reality is, it’s difficult.
Most men are inclined to shrink their social networks once they open this door in their life. The result is often negative cocooning and conclusions that are warped by the myriad of base websites and chat rooms found on the internet. Advice from single gay men on Gay.com is not the same as direct input from a bi/gay married man that is/has walked your same road and has taken the time to sit across the table from you.
Having said that… I cannot even begin to articulate how much I have enjoyed and benefitted from these new bi/gay married friends. If I was to offer any advice to anyone else in a situation similar to mine, it would be to grow some bi/gay married friends that are able to help you understand your life.
For us, it started by encouraging our msn friends to actually meet for a beer. Numbers started at only a half a dozen, but each week we have new men asking if they can join us. We respect each other’s need for discretion and to steal from Vegas… ” what we talk about at Beer Night stays at Beer Night.”
It requires a bit of a personal push to join a group like us for the first time. There have been many men that have asked to join us, only to find out that they made it to the parking lot and chickened out, or circled the pub in their car like a teen circling a porn shop, trying to muster the courage to come in.
And from there it also takes some tenacity to become deeper friends with men that you meet at such events. Inviting someone out for a ball game or for lunch it’s strangely awkward (funny we are all experts and inviting strangers for hook-ups, but to go to a ballgame is so much more difficult.) These are not dates, there is no sex involved…. it’s simply… NORMAL. For me, a sense of “normal” is something that I have been craving. I’m actually very excited and encouraged by the normal gentlemen (WELL NOW IM BEING GRACIOUS>>> INSIDE JOKE) that are becoming a part of my life. Thanks Guys.
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