From the poll taken at The Bi-Married Mafia
The results of our online Poll for bi/gay men married to a woman.
In my initial posting we asked “whether you were normal?” Whether there actually is some measureable semblance of “normal” is to be debated. Whether these responses give us an idea of the normal gay/bi married men is also up for debate. Still we have just over 1280 bi/gay married men respond to the poll. Below are their responses and a few conclusions drawn from those responses.
So first WHO are the men that responded to our survey? They are men that are married to women (or common-law). 68% of our respondents were American another 24% are Canadian with the remaining 9% coming from Europe and Australia.
90% of our respondents are currently married (common-law 84% married, 6% common-law) with 8% now divorced and 2% widowed. The average age of our respondents was 45 years old with 25% being between 20 and 39 years of age and 35% in their 40’s and the remaining 39% being above 50.
83% grew up in a conservative or traditional home and 50% of them grew up under an active religious tradition. Now that they are married only 24% have remained religious with the majority living in liberal homes.
We asked, “What do you consider your orientation to be at this time?” 77% of our respondents self identified as “bisexual.”
Straight but Curious 5%
Bisexual but inclined Heterosexual 16%
Bisexual (Equal Desires for Men & Women) 21%
Bisexual but incline Homosexual 40%
Homosexual but in Hiding 10%
Of these respondents less than half (47%), had actually engaged in same sex activity with another male BEFORE they married. A further 35% were aware of their interest or were curious about sex with another male. It would seem that the majority of men went into their marriages realizing that there was an interest in same sex activity within their personhood (with 82% coming to a realization of their same sex orientation before marriage.)
So now married… what do wives really know of their husband’s orientation? Surprisingly, of the men surveyed, 31% of the wives actually know that their husbands are bi/gay. Not surprisingly 37% of the men conclude that their wives have absolutely no idea of their husband’s orientation. The remaining belongs to spouses that “may wonder” or “perhaps know.”
We asked if these men were at peace with their orientation.
19% answered negatively
19% answered “sometimes”
61% answered positively
We asked does a wife have a right to know about a husband’s orientation? 35% of respondents answered with an adamant “yes”, 13% answered an adamant “no.” The majority (52%) simply did “not know how to answer that question.”
SEXUAL PRACTICES AND ACTIVITIES
I have learned when discussing sexual activity with men, one has to clearly define WHAT sex is. It seems that men have incredibly different understandings of what denotes sex. Some do not consider mutual masturbation as sex; some do not consider oral sex as “sex.” Some conclude that it is only sex when there is anal sex happening. For the purposes of this survey we have chosen to label ALL of the above as “sexual activity.” In other words, “sex” is when one respondent actually touched the genitals of another male.
Of the actual sex practices of gay/bi married men… a full 78% of men HAVE stepped out on their marriages and participated in sex with another male.
Bi/gay men may not be having as many sex partners as many have assumed of the bisexual stereotypes. When asked how many sex partners the respondent had In the past three years a full 60% claim to have had sex with less than 5 men… with 22% claiming to not have had sex AT ALL with other men. 15% claim 6-10 men in the past 3 years and the remaining 25% have had sex with more than 11 partners (17% having sex with more than 20 partners and 11% of this amount having sex with more than 31 men.)
NOTE: 98% claim they have been honest with the numbers above. 74% of the men surveyed “feel” no remorse or emotion with their numbers above while 26% feel some element of guilt, shame, or horror when confronted with the numbers of men they have had sex with.
Other sexual practices statistics:
Have you had anonymous sex? YES: 68% NO: 42%
Have you gone to a Bathhouse? YES: 28% NO:72%
Have you “cruised” for sex? YES:34% NO:66%
We may NOT be having as much sex as may be assumed, but gay/bi married men DO spend a lot of time on the internet. We asked “How much time are bi/gay married men spending on the internet engaging in sexual activities” (ie looking for sex, viewing pornography or chatting with other men)?
0 hours per week: 2%
1-3 Hours per week: 35%
7 Hours per week: 35%
14 Hours per week: 14%
21 Hours per week: 8%
More than 21 hours per week: 5%
The men surveyed were pretty straight up about their safe sex practices. 55% have NEVER participated in unsafe sex, 44% have. 2% did not have an understanding of what safe sex entailed.
80% of the men surveyed claim to have been sexually active with their wife at least once in the past year with 37% claiming “regular” sexual activity with their wives. Knowing this, 21% have NEVER gone to the Dr to be checked for STD’s. 26% have gone once. 30% go whenever they have concerns and 23% go regularly. Having said this 73% are very concerned (worried) about STD’s.
Well first and foremost it would seem that bi/gay married men have remained married MUCH longer than typical “straight” families. According to current American and Canadian stats, in western cultures the average first divorce among ALL marriages happens before 8 years. The average length of marriage for our bi/gay respondents is 20 Years (again with 90% of them still all married). 65% of our respondents have been married for more than 16 years, and an even further 40% having been married for more than 25 years.
Not only are these men staying married long-term, but when we asked them if they could go back and “do it all over again” an overwhelming 65% said that they would “do the same and marry all over again” (though some would have wanted to tell their wives about their orientation.)
For 51% of these same men, the “perfect solution” for a man in this situation (bi/gay married) would be that “she knows, accepts me, and allows sexual activity with a man” while for another 37% the perfect solution would be that “she never finds out.” The remaining 12% would find a divorce to be the perfect answer to this scenario.
What does this tell us? Well first, it tells us that it is not enough to just label these marriages as a “Sham” for bi/gay married men. In a society where it is VERY easy to get a divorce, these men have not just simply grabbed a divorce and ran. They have remained in their marriages long after the norm for western society.
Secondly it would seem that there is a whole world of men that DO comfortably identify as “bisexual.” Statistically a percentage of them are probably true gay men, but taken at face value, based on self identification and the supporting factors regarding the length of time married, willingness to “do it all over again” and the amount of sexual activity that is still happening with spouses, bisexuality seems to be a legitimate description for many of these men.
Surprisingly more of these men are NOT living the “Down Low”, secret lives, as may have been assumed with almost 1/3rd having “been honest” about their same sex desires with their spouses. Even at that only 28% thought that their wives would demand an immediate divorce. The rest felt that their wives would eventually accept their husband’s orientation but that the majority of these wives would not want their husbands to act on their same sex desires. 14% concluded that their wives simply would not want to know the truth of their husband’s orientation.
All said, depression is a major struggle for bi/gay married men. 2/3rds of all these bi/gay married men claim to struggle with depression attached to their orientation issues. 17% claim that depression over their orientation is an often/regular occurrence.
Thoughts of suicide have entered the minds of bi/gay married men. 36% have actually thought of suicide with 15% seriously considering it. 2% of the respondents have actually attempted suicide because of their orientation issues.
Thank you to all those that have responded to this survey. You are a hard bunch to target and actually “get” to fill out such a survey. I realize that this is only a small reflection of the bi/gay married population but do conclude that this surely gives us a glimpse into the hidden practices of our world.
What are your thoughts on the results? How does this reflect or differ from your individual story? How does that make you feel? Would there be a shift in societal thoughts of both the straight and gay world if such results were publicly available?Pin It