Are Bi-married Men Normal?

From the poll taken at The Bi-Married Mafia

The results of our online Poll for bi/gay men married to a woman.

In my initial posting we asked “whether you were normal?” Whether there actually is some measureable semblance of “normal” is to be debated. Whether these responses give us an idea of the normal gay/bi married men is also up for debate. Still we have just over 1280 bi/gay married men respond to the poll. Below are their responses and a few conclusions drawn from those responses.

So first WHO are the men that responded to our survey? They are men that are married to women (or common-law). 68% of our respondents were American another 24% are Canadian with the remaining 9% coming from Europe and Australia.

90% of our respondents are currently married (common-law 84% married, 6% common-law) with 8% now divorced and 2% widowed. The average age of our respondents was 45 years old with 25% being between 20 and 39 years of age and 35% in their 40’s and the remaining 39% being above 50.

83% grew up in a conservative or traditional home and 50% of them grew up under an active religious tradition. Now that they are married only 24% have remained religious with the majority living in liberal homes.

ORIENTATION

We asked, “What do you consider your orientation to be at this time?” 77% of our respondents self identified as “bisexual.”

Straight 1%

Straight but Curious 5%

Bisexual but inclined Heterosexual 16%

Bisexual (Equal Desires for Men & Women) 21%

Bisexual but incline Homosexual 40%

Homosexual but in Hiding 10%

Homosexual 7%

Of these respondents less than half (47%), had actually engaged in same sex activity with another male BEFORE they married. A further 35% were aware of their interest or were curious about sex with another male. It would seem that the majority of men went into their marriages realizing that there was an interest in same sex activity within their personhood (with 82% coming to a realization of their same sex orientation before marriage.)

So now married… what do wives really know of their husband’s orientation? Surprisingly, of the men surveyed, 31% of the wives actually know that their husbands are bi/gay. Not surprisingly 37% of the men conclude that their wives have absolutely no idea of their husband’s orientation. The remaining belongs to spouses that “may wonder” or “perhaps know.”

We asked if these men were at peace with their orientation.

19% answered negatively

19% answered “sometimes”

61% answered positively

We asked does a wife have a right to know about a husband’s orientation? 35% of respondents answered with an adamant “yes”, 13% answered an adamant “no.” The majority (52%) simply did “not know how to answer that question.”

SEXUAL PRACTICES AND ACTIVITIES

I have learned when discussing sexual activity with men, one has to clearly define WHAT sex is. It seems that men have incredibly different understandings of what denotes sex. Some do not consider mutual masturbation as sex; some do not consider oral sex as “sex.” Some conclude that it is only sex when there is anal sex happening. For the purposes of this survey we have chosen to label ALL of the above as “sexual activity.” In other words, “sex” is when one respondent actually touched the genitals of another male.

Of the actual sex practices of gay/bi married men… a full 78% of men HAVE stepped out on their marriages and participated in sex with another male.

Bi/gay men may not be having as many sex partners as many have assumed of the bisexual stereotypes. When asked how many sex partners the respondent had In the past three years a full 60% claim to have had sex with less than 5 men… with 22% claiming to not have had sex AT ALL with other men. 15% claim 6-10 men in the past 3 years and the remaining 25% have had sex with more than 11 partners (17% having sex with more than 20 partners and 11% of this amount having sex with more than 31 men.)

NOTE: 98% claim they have been honest with the numbers above. 74% of the men surveyed “feel” no remorse or emotion with their numbers above while 26% feel some element of guilt, shame, or horror when confronted with the numbers of men they have had sex with.

Other sexual practices statistics:

Have you had anonymous sex? YES: 68% NO: 42%

Have you gone to a Bathhouse? YES: 28% NO:72%

Have you “cruised” for sex? YES:34% NO:66%

We may NOT be having as much sex as may be assumed, but gay/bi married men DO spend a lot of time on the internet. We asked “How much time are bi/gay married men spending on the internet engaging in sexual activities” (ie looking for sex, viewing pornography or chatting with other men)?

0 hours per week: 2%

1-3 Hours per week: 35%

7 Hours per week: 35%

14 Hours per week: 14%

21 Hours per week: 8%

More than 21 hours per week: 5%

SAFESEX

The men surveyed were pretty straight up about their safe sex practices. 55% have NEVER participated in unsafe sex, 44% have. 2% did not have an understanding of what safe sex entailed.

80% of the men surveyed claim to have been sexually active with their wife at least once in the past year with 37% claiming “regular” sexual activity with their wives. Knowing this, 21% have NEVER gone to the Dr to be checked for STD’s. 26% have gone once. 30% go whenever they have concerns and 23% go regularly. Having said this 73% are very concerned (worried) about STD’s.

MARRIAGE

Well first and foremost it would seem that bi/gay married men have remained married MUCH longer than typical “straight” families. According to current American and Canadian stats, in western cultures the average first divorce among ALL marriages happens before 8 years. The average length of marriage for our bi/gay respondents is 20 Years (again with 90% of them still all married). 65% of our respondents have been married for more than 16 years, and an even further 40% having been married for more than 25 years.

Not only are these men staying married long-term, but when we asked them if they could go back and “do it all over again” an overwhelming 65% said that they would “do the same and marry all over again” (though some would have wanted to tell their wives about their orientation.)

For 51% of these same men, the “perfect solution” for a man in this situation (bi/gay married) would be that “she knows, accepts me, and allows sexual activity with a man” while for another 37% the perfect solution would be that “she never finds out.” The remaining 12% would find a divorce to be the perfect answer to this scenario.

CONCLUSIONS

What does this tell us? Well first, it tells us that it is not enough to just label these marriages as a “Sham” for bi/gay married men. In a society where it is VERY easy to get a divorce, these men have not just simply grabbed a divorce and ran. They have remained in their marriages long after the norm for western society.

Secondly it would seem that there is a whole world of men that DO comfortably identify as “bisexual.” Statistically a percentage of them are probably true gay men, but taken at face value, based on self identification and the supporting factors regarding the length of time married, willingness to “do it all over again” and the amount of sexual activity that is still happening with spouses, bisexuality seems to be a legitimate description for many of these men.

Surprisingly more of these men are NOT living the “Down Low”, secret lives, as may have been assumed with almost 1/3rd having “been honest” about their same sex desires with their spouses. Even at that only 28% thought that their wives would demand an immediate divorce. The rest felt that their wives would eventually accept their husband’s orientation but that the majority of these wives would not want their husbands to act on their same sex desires. 14% concluded that their wives simply would not want to know the truth of their husband’s orientation.

All said, depression is a major struggle for bi/gay married men. 2/3rds of all these bi/gay married men claim to struggle with depression attached to their orientation issues. 17% claim that depression over their orientation is an often/regular occurrence.

Thoughts of suicide have entered the minds of bi/gay married men. 36% have actually thought of suicide with 15% seriously considering it. 2% of the respondents have actually attempted suicide because of their orientation issues.

Thank you to all those that have responded to this survey. You are a hard bunch to target and actually “get” to fill out such a survey. I realize that this is only a small reflection of the bi/gay married population but do conclude that this surely gives us a glimpse into the hidden practices of our world.

What are your thoughts on the results? How does this reflect or differ from your individual story? How does that make you feel? Would there be a shift in societal thoughts of both the straight and gay world if such results were publicly available?

Pin It

6 thoughts on “Are Bi-married Men Normal?

  1. From my personal experience of the bi-world the fact that it appears bi-sexual men stay married/have been married longer does not surprise me.

    Is there an element here of bisexual man being more in touch with his feminine side coupled with a lowering of the need to be the alpha male?
    I don’t mean ‘feminine side’ in just sex, nor should it be taken to mean the other extreme, being a ‘camp, limp-wristed male-trying-to-act-female stereotype.

    I don’t think I’ve suffered the loss of anything masculine by occasionally helping out around the house, or for that matter, wearing a pink shirt now and again !!!

    In my relationships I don’t like the purely sexual approach of ‘wham, bang, thanks for the shag, ‘bye’. I need to have a show of some affection for ‘the moment’. I don’t here mean ‘emotional involvement’ which I view as something deeper and needing great commitment.
    Having some affection can compliment and turn an encounter into an sensual, erotic journey, which, with luck, may be repeated. I take each moment as it occurs, which ties in with who I am in that with ‘full-on’ sex I am flexible/versatile without being dominating.

    Being in touch with my feminine side has also helped the relationship I have with my wife. After 37 years the sex is still good. The feel of a human hand skimming lightly around the body is a fantastic sensation and equally erotic in a m-f scenario as in a m-m encounter.

    ‘A man must live that which is within him,
    otherwise his life would be a lie.’
    Oscar Wilde

  2. I feel confident the ‘bottom line’ for every couple or triple or whatever the makeup and count might be, is each of us must pursue it with open honest communication. A modicum of timing, the right place and tuning into the other’s wants and needs is critical.

    Sure it will bring hidden agendas out into the light of day. But isn’t that a good thing. Taking a stand is not for the fainthearted.

    True success in life never is. It has to be worked at and must
    be practiced with sincerity. Otherwise why enter a relationship.

    There is no doubting that as a male, and a bi-sexual male and I am doubly sure it goes for gays too, the drive of sexual appetite and gratification so powerful. An understatement for some no doubt.

    But the bottom (lovely as my/your lover’s might be) line we ask is what is more important. Life and happiness is ultimately always down to choices, and how we respond to their outcomes. Do we hold the line of our own integrity. It takes courage.

    At the heart of any relationship must be the sincere wish to be of benefit to each other.

    It may sound old fashion, but it stands the test of time, but not to be confused with some puritanical or through ‘thick and thin’ but with pure good intention for the welfare of ones relationship. With this mindset in place one won’t be knocked over by the transitory whims of casual desire when it rears it’s rapacious appetite.

    Let’s face it when that desire expresses through ones loins its hard to ignore…LOL.”Wham bam thankyou mam or man” as might be the occasion.

    It means putting oneself out in the open and on the line. Giving up secrets and that means to oneself.

    Cherish your relationship and protect it. Give it fresh oxygen every day, dare I say mouth to mouth. Be generous with it, to your partner/s and to your children, be a safe light in the dark for them.

    Add in a good measure of fidelity, that deep faithfulness to ones: wife, husband, partner or lover, who ever they might be.

    Relationships the grow and last are nurtured through open honest reciprocal communication that draws it’s strength from the well spring of emotional maturity. Happy loving. Enough. J

  3. I long suspected mu husband was bisexual and now have proof. I love him very much and he loves me very much and we want to make our marriage work, however, i know that the only way of doing it is if we form a threesome. how do i find the right words to suggest this to him and if he agrees what are the basic rules that we have to lay for this third person so i dont fee jealous and also to still trust that he will not go and find one for himslef secretly.

    • You sound like a remarkable wife. Your husband is a lucky man. I think you should have a frank discussion with him; tell him you accept who he is and tell him the conditions you can be comfortable with, that lies and sneaking around are unacceptable. Both of you have to feel comfortable with the third person. As far as the intimacy is concerned, when the three of you are together you more or less have to go with the flow. Of course the third person can’t be a gay man because you would be left out of the loop. You guys have a long, sometimes difficult road to travel before you life settles into the new norm, but it sounds to me it will be worth it. Maybe you can find a third person that will enhance your marriage and your life. Good luck.

  4. I suspect that your conclusion about bi/gay marriages typically lasting “MUCH longer” than straight marriages is very erroneous owing to your self-selected universe of respondents. I am aware of two mixed-orientation marriages that lasted barely a year, and another gay man who married and divorced three times before accepting that he was not well suited to marriage. I can’t imagine men like these volunteering to answer your survey. I believe other studies have shown that only about one in six mixed-orientation marriages do not end in divorce, a much more plausible statistic. That being said, I’m one of the lucky ones whose wife knows, accepts and loves me enough to support my sexual fulfillment outside a marriage of 45 years.

  5. (not Martin Brant)
    I think this is fairly accurate, based on my personal experience. At 58, I am married now for 34 years. I had sexual contact with men prior to marriage and she knew about that. We have discussed my general affective orientation several times. We came close to divorce; I have been depressed and suicidal on a number of occasions. I now celebrate who I am and take part in various gay social activities. Honey, I lost count of my partners but would guess it is around your average. I could go on but this one guy feels that your profile is solid. The only way you could get closer would be to actually hook us up to machinery that measured our response to visual stimuli as evidenced by penile response!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>