From a husband in India; a story that sounds familiar.
I’m a 32 yr old Indian guy, from quite a conservative background with 3 small children. I’ve been married for 5 years now, and am quite close to my wife.
I’m bi, and would say that I am more attracted to guys than women. However, I have been lucky to feel attracted to my wife and kids-allowing, have a satisfactory sex life.
I’ve never been with a guy in my life, though I have used lots of gay porn on the internet, have met a few guys socially from gay personals site ( and now having a few close gay friends I am out to), and have done webcam sex twice with strangers on the net (mixed feelings 
).
I haven’t been with a guy but it is not out of lack of opportunity (most of my gay friends tell me I am quite attractive, and have even expressed desire in exploring with me if I am willing). There are a few reasons that I haven’t but one of the main has been that it is important to me to remain honest and keep my wife’s trust in my marriage. I see myself as a bad liar, and wouldn’t be able to hide it for long if I did cheat.
After 5 years of marriage, and at a stage where we are both settling down career-wise and family life is becoming stable, I have felt that the time is right, and have outed myself to her voluntarily. I think my worst nightmare is that she finds out from someone else. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you (as my gay friends don’t get this concept) but it is important to me that I am authentic in my marriage, both in the sense that i can be me as I am, and also that I am not keeping secrets from my wife, irrespective of how dark and horrible they are (I’d say this is quite high up that ranking of darkness).
My wife has been unbelievably supportive. But, I do realize that coming out is a process and not an event. I think there is still a long journey ahead, with lots of emotions to be dealt with.
I’m finding that even before getting to the point of my wife’s emotions, I am finding it bloody hard to accept myself as a guy attracted to men, who has admitted it to his wife. it feels so much more real now, and can’t help feel flawed, and that I am just not good enough for my wife, and that she would be better off without me. There is a fair amount of self-loathing to deal with, except that with the kids around, I don’t have the time to think about it. More than ever, I wish I was not like this, especially because I’m feeling closer than ever to my wife. It’s hard knowing that sexual feelings for men are going to be a part of this relationship forever.
It’s still early days, but so far, things are going well with my wife after outing myself. She has had a few questions, but still seems to be trusting my as much as before. She is fine with me liking men, and also seems willing to make the effort to accept my gay friends because they are important to me. It actually scares me that she is so accepting without a fight. I’m just putting it down to it being early days and that there is still a processing to be done. For now, we actually feel closer.
I’m thinking I will be needing a fair amount of support in this process.
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In my life, that is at least for the first 25 of them, I have been too shy and my upbringing too Chatolic to approach people with a sexual intent. Instead from a very young age I have in that period always been hit on by man and woman alike. I have never felt any uneasiness with either sex until in my late teens I learned about the term homosexuality. The way men and women kept approaching me never changed though. I got more weary of gay men and felt uncomfortable by some of there uninhibited actions but secretly, at least for the next 20 years, I enjoyed male sex. At 42 after another break up with a woman and several hundreds of male sexual experiences I was single and choose to stay that way to sort out my complex sexual life. I continued with having sexual experiences with men and women and it showed me after time that I was happy with myself by myself. I didn’t need anybody for my happiness. As before I always needed people of whatever gender to make me feel wanted and now I was happy just being with me. Sex became less urgent and wasn’t an escape anymore to feel loved. With sex more in the background then ever before and after 4 years on my own I met a woman. I didn’t fell in love with her (for the first time in my life!) but had this incredible attraction to her when we hugged. I felt comfortable and at home with this simple move. No sexual arousal whatsoever. After that short moment, it lasted maybe 5 secs, I saw her a couple of times but we just had conversation. I told her very honestly without any holding back about my life and what I wanted from it. I was at a stage in my life (and she obviously had the demeanour) to be comfortable at being fully open about myself, it felt like a catharsis. Before on several occasions I had always spoken to newly met woman whom I felt attracted to with reservation when it concerned my sexual attraction towards men. Not now though. I let it all out and it felt very powerful. Nothing to lose, nothing to gain. Just being me. After that we saw each other regular and we had sex too but that didn’t feel anymore as the major deciding part of a good foundation for a relationship. For the first time in my life sex wasn’t anymore the deciding factor to feel good with another human being. It was the connection we had which was and still is the main pilar in our relationship. After some months we decided to live together and with my first trip abroad I found condoms in my wash bag and I hadn’t put them there! With that statement she honoured our agreement that sex outside our relationship was accepted as long as it was done safe. Two things have changed me since them. First I haven’t felt the urgency as much anymore to hunt and score. Secondly I am more and more in love with my wife ( been together now 10 years and married for 3) and can’t see any reason to change that. I still very much enjoy sexual encounters mainly with men since most men, whether gay, bi or ‘straight’, are like me into quick sexual release. So far I have never felt attracted to men in a way that I would want to be with them on a daily basis. It has always been sex driven. Same with women actually, accept for now with Rosie. Love and lust, they are definitely separate but can be so (confusingly at times) close too.
I love this article. It does feel like a gift. So well put.
It comes to the heart of the matter and shines a light on ones own capacity to feel with intimacy the beauty in male and female and know it is wonderful. It is freeing.
Writing about it openly for you to share is cathartic and restorative at the same time.
Knowing and being bi-sexual that you who is reader this is are likely bi-sexual as well, with a similar understanding, we have much in common, we are alike kinfolk.
It is as if we could lay next to each other without reservation.
Recognising bi-sexuality in oneself becomes a catalyst for putting down so many views about having to be this way or that way, rather be both ways and neither at the same time.
There are all those ideas with their genesis in school yards and bedtime fantasies, over the years evoling to prompt thoughts like ‘what if I am gay, oh my god’. Now when the mood takes I can feel it as positively yummy.
But hang on I love women, surely I must be heterosexual. What about the qualities in each I so enjoy, that I relate too.
So maybe am I transexual or transgender. Do I even know what that means. But I love my male body. Then comes, but how can I be both? What if, what could that mean?
Then bing, the light goes on. I’m really not this, I’m really not that, I’m all of them and none of them.
I’m so definitely bi-sexual, with lots thrown in. It is so nice to say.
But its much deeper than the label might suggest. Its meaning so much more than first understood. As one investigates ones own sexuality and masculinity or femininity, dare I say as a male my femininity, it becomes so much more. It is wonderful.
I can love a man and be fully with him as I can love a woman and be fully with her.
It is also the special quality of monogamy, devotion to that person and relationship at the exclusion of all others, when no-one else exists.
Of women in my life, paraphrasing from the words of your article Martin, I recognize my overwhelming attraction to her, of her uniquely feminine perspective. Her softness, her exquisite shape and innate capacity, her strength, her insights and intuitions, her nurturing love, her playfulness with the toys of femininity, her laughter with others of her sex, she is simply gorgeous.
For the moment I am single, how positively enriching.
Enough. J
Your comment on the article is not only eloquent, it perfectly represents my inspiration to write about bisexual men. Thinking your words might be a catalyst for others, I’ve added them to the original piece.
Hello! I understand this is kind of off-topic but I had to ask. Does running a well-established blog such as yours take a massive amount work? I’m completely new to operating a blog however I do write in my journal every day. I’d like to start a blog so I can easily share my own experience and views online. Please let me know if you have any kind of ideas or tips for brand new aspiring blog owners. Appreciate it!
Hi Rodney,
Sounds like you already off to a good start. Just post your experiences and views whenever you feel like it and see if you touch the heats of others.
This also sounds familiar to me, also. I am mush older, but when I was 30 I had a similar discovery. I was married and out of grad school one year and the branch director of a mental health clinic. It was 1971. My first year out of grad school was the year that Americans began to understand something about sexuality. My own metamorphis took place as I advised couples about sexuality. No one knew very mu8ch about what to do in the small town where I practiced. I had grown up ‘knowing’ what a ‘faggot’ and a ‘queer’ was but had no idea about what it meant to be attracted to other men. I had been raised a good Catholic and had been taught not to have sexual thoughts about women so that I ratiopnalized that my thoughts about men were OK. A young grad student asked if he could talk to me about something that he was afraid of: that he was HOMOSEXUAL. During our conversation he realized that I was gay too. He said out loud and I knew for the first time knew it. We did make beautiful love and even though I had a very good sexual relationship with my wife, I had never experienced the electricity that we had with each other before. Eventually we both sorted it out and realized that we were what my my manual on human sexuality called bisexuality. The first other perdon who I told was my wife and it was upsetting. Eventually, I worked it through and understood that that was the way I was and I accepted it. I made some gay friends and had some difficulty with them because they could not understand how I could be attracted to women too. I made decision back then that I loved my wife and would stay with her. We since had two lovely daughters who are now 31 and 34 years old respectively. Thought I can be honest in saying that I did act upon the homosexual side of me, I always made my family come first. I am not saying that it was not difficult but it was what worked for me. I am not married 42 years and recently was reunited with my best friend from college only to discover that I had been in love with him some 50 years ago but did not have the context to understand my feelings back then. News Eve 1967, he tried to seduce me. I freaked out and something came between us that night. I was to naive to understand that he was gay- how could my best friend (who I loved) be such a horrible thing. We we reunited, we agreed up front though he is purely homosexual and I bi (and as is with many bi men, more homosexual that I used to be), that we would not have sex together. Though the last 4 years have had its ups and downs with both my wife and with ‘Tom’ it has settle down into a good friendship and a good marriage again. Of course there were times when my wife feared I would leave her for him (not something that would ever happen) and there were times when Tom was angry in a passive aggressive way because I did not move in with him. But that is in the past.
bob
OMG, man, this sounds like the “spitting image” of me, my life, and my relationship with my wife. YIKES!!! Thanks for sharing this with everyone!