What follows are words from a woman born in a man’s body, the emotions involved and the trials endured by someone struggling to find a place in our world for herself. I have included photographs of women who may have, to some degree or another, gone through similar circumstances. They have all made transformation from male bodies to female, short of the final step of genital reassignment, which they may or may not be planning to do. Some of them have erections, which is often not likely after a long period of estrogen treatments. For reasons of their own, they have posed for these stunning photos.
Two weeks ago, I found this blog completely by accident while researching Transgender issues and health concerns. I found pictures of younger and prettier women than myself, yet I have found a measure of healing from those images. Even though I can not ever really look like them now, I can still join them given time.
I lived the horror of being born Trans Female in Texas. Born in 1955, I grew up watching the other girls develop, realizing that I was doomed to live out my life imprisoned in the body of a man. I tried to talk to my parents and get help. My mother tried to understand and my father …my father almost killed me.
From the time I was caught dancing bare foot on the hardwood floor of the living room in one of my mother’s dresses at the age of 9, I was beaten and threatened any time I showed the least bit of femininity. After numerous broken bones and death threats, I went into hiding. I left home as soon as I had my first job at the age of 17.
Life was dangerous for a Trans Girl in 1974. There were frequent stories in the news about “freak boy/girls” being found dead. I stayed in hiding. I intentionally took on the most dangerous adventurous jobs I could find. I survived being shot, stabbed, gassed, set on fire, blown up, struck by lightening and many other dangerous and exciting activities. I never even thought I was attempting suicide; I was just proving to my father that I was tough.
Eventually I married a woman. Now, I can admit that my only interest in her was to appease my abusive father. Over the course of time, I divorced and married 3 times. I “fathered” 3 children that I was forced by circumstance to leave and become an absent parent. I worked hard over the years to re-establish some form of trust with my children. They have given me 9 grandchildren.
The incongruity of being a woman trapped in the body of a man continued to grow. To this day, I can not look in a mirror without seeing the momentary flash of my true self. I saw her just this morning. Then reality imposed itself on my vision and I stood looking at the male-ish form I am trapped in.
She’s beautiful, now a middle aged Welsh, Irish, Native American mix. Her hair is graying and she has the scars and lines of a hard life on her face. Still she is a wonderful sight. I want to be able to get more than a fleeting glance of her. I want the world to see HER.
I stand 6 feet 2 inches tall and weigh 200 pounds, so that I am rather large. I wear a size 44 jacket. I look similar to that wonderful blonde woman (left) in the corset, only I look more Native when she is Scandinavian.
I had to leave Texas, when I refused to conform to the wishes of my family and their interference in my life. There have been moments when I contemplated suicide. Since I have never accepted Christian theology and believe in reincarnation, I did not want to have to repeat my failure to overcome the adversities of this life. I dismissed thoughts of death and decided to make the best of what I can become.
I came out while in college at the tender age of 53. I lived the sheltered life of a Transgender college student. My life changed for the better with the counseling I received while in college. I lived as a woman full time for 2 years, just as SOC 7 came out. I am not yet on hormones just finasteride due to a chronic lack of money. Even still, just the benefit of that one medication has made my life so much better. I can hardly wait until I get estrogen for the first time. I took a work study job for an HIV medical case management office. Then came graduation day.
After 6 months of near fruitless searching, I found my first post college employment as a woman. I was turned down numerous times for being Trans before I landed this new job. I plan to make the best of this opportunity. I’m going to get insurance in 90 days. I’ve been hired by a company that supports the GLBTQ community, so my insurance will cover the recently deemed medically necessary medical procedures for Transgender health.
I am a work in progress.
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