A plea from M:
i am glad i came across this website as it gives a very fluid description of human sexuality. i am not sure if i can identify myself as bisexual anymore. i have been alienated from my small community as a result of checking other guys out. i have only had sex once with a female prostitute which was awful. All the men in my area are scared of me and i cant help looking at mens crotch area in every social interaction.
this has resulted in me not leaving the house and i even send my mother to the door to pay the pizza guy. I explained to her these reasons for not answering the door.i have had to turn down job opportunities also as a result. i am also addicted to gay porn and masturbate to fucking guys up the ass. i feel as if i need that sexual release but i don’t want emotional attachment to another man.i have been attracted to women in the past but was afraid to take it further in case i couldn’t get a erection.
I am torn between fantasy fucking men and not been attracted to women anymore. i don’t want to fuck men as i am terrified of getting aids. my kinesiologist reckons i don’t love myself and it is pointless trying to love anyone else at this particular stage. i don’t know what to do and i cant keep living like this as it is not healthy. i would be grateful for any insight you would have to my situation
You are questioning your sexuality, while at the same time living in a small town environment that compounds the problem. I’m not sure if you are suffering a case depression or not, but you need to find out. A good place to start would be trade your kinesiologists for a licensed psychologist. To simply tell you that you don’t love yourself, then say it would be pointless to love anyone else, seems like detrimental advice. Applied kinesociology, if that’s what you’re talking about, is considered pseudoscience and quackery by much of the medical world.
As to checking other men out, many of us do that, it’s human nature, but it can be done subtly and discreetly. If this is an obsession you are having difficulty controlling, all the more reason to see a therapist. Whether you are meant to be with a woman or another man, you first need to build your own foundation, identity your sexuality and be comfortable with it, set your insecurities aside, and put yourself out there so that you might have a chance to meet someone with whom to share your life. A good therapist can help you with all these issues. And stay away from the whores; what she has to offer you is far different than a girl that wants to get to know you can offer.
As to the small town environment: No place on earth will accept you until you accept yourself. If you have confidence in yourself and accept you are, others will come around. This, over time, can be accomplished in a small town. Get involved in helping old people or some other local charity; show people you’re a good guy despite their misgivings about your sexuality. If things like this aren’t the answer, perhaps you need a change. Lots of people leave small towns for reasons similar to yours.
Think about the vicious circle you’ve put yourself on. Then change your mindset. Get out of bed tomorrow determined to put your life on a new path, determined to recognize yourself as just like everyone else, just viewing life through you own personal prism. Your mind has the power to do this, just as it has had the power to convince you of all your insecurities and shortcomings.