Certain Things Come Naturally

A different angle on understanding body acceptance, human sexuality and bisexual men.

Suppose you start with a clean slate. Suppose our many religions never got into the anti-sex business. Suppose it wouldn’t occur to us to tell young boys their penises are naughty and should always be covered. Wash away all the lifelong indoctrinations, the prejudices and the nurtured guilt. You would have a society where men could feel good about their own thoughts and see the world through a natural prism.

Such societies do exist, though they exist in the world’s remotest jungles. These people haven’t been taught to be ashamed of their bodies. They live their lives without clothes. I wonder how they perceive same-sex attractions. Not that I see these primitive worlds as dreamy Utopias. Who would want to give up electric lights and the Internet? I’m saying if we’re not taught that certain things come naturally, such as body acceptance and diversity in human sexuality, we could live our lives naturally. We could take off all our clothes at public beaches, play in the surf naked, enjoy our bodies with all their unique nuances, and the bodies of others without guilt or shame.

Men would not be frowned upon, mocked or threatened for thoughts that come to them naturally. The inherent desire for an intimate relationship with other men found in the majority of us would not be suppressed, or denied, or condemned. No, I don’t believe most men would be out pursuing intimacy with other men. Most would still be pursuing women. They would still have a desire to spend their lives with a woman, make a home and have children. But since their minds have been cleansed of the ancient and tiresome dogmas, certain circumstances bring on thoughts and ideas.

Two guys, coworkers, plan a camping weekend together, for example. They end up finding a spot in a seclude cove. They’ve been fishing all morning. It’s gotten hot so they decide to go for a swim. Off comes their clothes and they dive into the water, splash around and engage in a little horseplay. Neither has ever had a same-sex experience, nor have they sought one; yet the nudity, the close proximity, the inadvertent touching where they’ve never touched or been touched before becomes the catalyst for two erections. Certain curiosities evolve in their minds. Camaraderie and laughter turns into thoughtful gazes. Each realizes that he finds the other attractive, for a man that is. “Have you ever …” one asks the other, which opens the door for a little mutual exploring. Before day’s end, a friendship has reached a new level.

To carry the example a little further: as the weekend draws to a close, both men go home to their wives. Typically, based on testimonial I’ve read, these men returned to home with a heightened appreciation for their wives, a rekindled awareness of how much they love the women they married, yet they feel somewhat different about themselves, more rounded, more connected to life. It was a weekend a new memory was born, a weekend that brought Continue reading

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A Married Man and His Two Loves

A Question from a married man.

I have been married 45 years tomorrow 12/28. When I retired from an education career in 2007, I got into figure and portrait modeling. I also had a yen for erotic modeling, which I did. During some of those times, photographers played with me, and I loved it. Being a bit of an exhibitionist and a bit narcissistic I joined a number of male sites, e.g. silverdaddies and discreet. Got some attention. Met a few guys for sex. Now I have found a guy for whom I have grown very fond and am no longer interested in these sites I mentioned. Question: We have one son, who now has two little boys. Seeing how they poured all their love into the first child, they are doing beautifully sharing their love with the second child. It occurred to me that loving my wife and loving my new friend is something like a parent sharing love among children. Does this seem reasonable? possible? Contrary to your first line of advice, my wife does not know about my m2m experience or my new friend. What might be your thoughts on this sharing of love topic?

My reply:

Sounds like you have have a long, happy marriage, and a rewarding career. As it happens for so many guys in their later years, you have discovered the full extent of your sexuality. In a more perfect world, or at least a more understanding world, an intimate relationship with another man would be considered a natural wholesome circumstance, even for married guys. I have always believed a husband could be involved in an intimate relationship with another man without this being a reflection on how much he loves his wife.

But we don’t live in that world, and most wives can come nowhere near understanding a husband’s desire for a same-sex relationship. Most wives see it as betrayal and infidelity, thereby leaving you the choice of leading a secret life or going to your grave wondering what might have been. As I have stated before, it would be better if you could talk to your wife, have her understanding and at least her tacit approval of your friendship.

Knowing that’s not possible for most men, meaning probably you, and assuming you are being careful with your sexual explorations, I can’t find it within myself to discourage you from being who you are. If you were a young bisexual man about to propose to your girlfriend, I would say talk to her before you marry her. Make sure she knows who you are and what she is getting into. But in your case you’ve had a long time-honored marriage. After 45 years your wife knows how much you are devoted to her. Plus the years have provided time to evaluate your sexuality which has likely evolved. You have earned the right to live the  years that you have left as you wish, as does your wife.

I see your point about sharing your love between your wife and your friend equally, as you and your son have done between your children, but the conflict in this comparison is that the love for your children wasn’t built on a foundation of wedding vows. That leaves men like us in situations where we have to firmly believe we are essentially fair men that are simply faced with dealing with circumstances that most people cannot fathom, let alone understand. Therefore, being true to ourselves helps us to be true to those we love, even if it means we must keep a few secrets.

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A Woman’s Perspective on Bisexual Male Promiscuity

The following is an email from a lady that recently visited a website for bisexual men. I will not mention the website, but she came away feeling disturbed, understandably so.

“So I’ve had a bit of time to look over some blogs of bisexual men. The “xxx site”, as you may know is of a mostly gay bi married man who hasn’t told his wife. This guy’s blog is devoted to all of his sexual and some emotional affairs with men. My jaw is still on the floor. This guy has no problem lying to his wife. Why doesn’t he just tell her and let her go? I am not trying to make it seem easy, but this dude is consumed with his male relationships. He doesn’t mention any passion concerning his wife. He shows know remorse for his actions. This is what frightens women. And I know there are more blogs and many more men that think and act in the same manner.

“As I stated on your site, I’m trying to understand, but selfish, assholes like this make it incredibly difficult. This is why women run. This guy has had sex with , God knows how many men , and who knows he may pass something on to his wife …that is if he chooses to have sex with her…she is unknowingly having sex with everyone else he has been with. And no safe sex is 100%.

This is what goes through a woman’s mind. Nightmare scenarios such as this.”

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This is a dilemma many couples face; the email is a perspective offered by a female voice. The scenario has played out countless times: A young bisexual man wants a traditional life, meets a girl, falls in love and gets married, failing to tell to her about his sexuality before the vows are spoken. All to often, at some point in his life, his urges for men become overwhelming. This is when he has to make a decision; either grow old in quiet desperation; or finally discuss his sexuality with his wife, hoping the matter can be resolved to their mutual satisfaction; or secretly go behind her back.

If your wife or future wife loves you, your bisexuality will most likely not greatly impact how she feels about you. It’s how you plan to deal with your desires that will cause her concern. If you would like to be married and still have a like-minded friend, the best course is to marry a woman that understands and will agree to you having a friend, usually under mutually agreed to conditions.

Most bisexual men are loving, monogamous boyfriends or husbands. Their sexuality is but a facet of their personality. Enlightened Male is largely a bisexual website that condones non-monogamous relationships, but only if all concerned are agreed. However, there are some men that dearly love their wives but simply cannot tell her about his same-sex urges because of her point-of-view or nature. Some understanding here applies, but only under well thought out circumstances. A friend that happens to married, for example, a friend that can be trusted and doesn’t take risks with hookups, etc. Such friendships exist with varying degrees of intimacy, without risks to either of their wives.

The guy you're dating and love being with tells you he is bisexual.

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The following post reflects a woman’s greatest fear. The human condition can sometimes be gut-wrenching for those involved.

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Discreetly Looking For Anal Sex

A question from a bisexual married man.

I am a bisexual married man. I have never given or received anal sex,but I am curious as to what it feels like. I truly love my wife and I do no want to hurt her. I am from Pittsburgh I am 55 years old and in very good shape. How do I discreetly go about finding some one around 45 or older to have casual sex? Preferably married?

My reply:

Few are more liberal than me when it comes to human sexuality, but the bonds of marriage cast a whole different light on the issue of male bisexuality. By asking this question you are asking me to condone your desire to do something behind your wife’s back that amounts to infidelity, which is something I can’t condone. Therefore, you’ll not like my primary answer, but I’ll give it to you anyway.

Marriage is a sacred trust between two people. Break that trust and you will have lost your most cherished possession, and you’ll never get it back. You may even lose your wife, not to mention the risks of STDs to both of you. I hate to sound like a preacher, but it’s important for you to weigh the consequences of what you are contemplating.

At the same time your urges are natural, something you and many other men were born with, urges that usually become more compelling as we grow older. The best course of action is to figure out a way to talk to your wife, to let her know you are bisexual and would like to have a like-minded friend, preferably a married friend. After a long ride on an emotional roller coaster, perhaps you and your wife can come to terms, while at the same time you have been honest with her. And even though it’s not the same thing, you might even be able to introduce the notion of having anal sex with her, as both the giver and receiver. The only other honest option is to accept the fact you have committed yourself to a marriage, and then resolve to quietly live out your life without knowing what it’s like to experience anal intercourse.

That said, it’s advice that’s so often not practical. Because of your wife’s sensibilities and/or her upbringing, she simply may not be able to accept your bisexuality, yet for you the desire to be with a man only grows stronger. And since you love your wife and want to grow old with her, you face the dilemma of doing something that seems natural to you and won’t hurt her if she doesn’t find out. A large percentage of men who are in the same boat will act on their urges.

Since that sounds like you, and you have reason to be discreet, I recently posted an article on a website called Dizcreet, a social networking site for bisexual men, and a good place to meet a friend. You could check it out, but before you do, think long and hard about the potentially life-changing event you are thinking about. You may meet a new friend and find out what anal sex is like, but you will also have to live with lying to your wife. Even if you didn’t get caught, there are consequences you will have to live with.

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Does Body-type Relate to Male Bisexuality?

I have been married 18 years. Fresh out of Service, I was a Varsity Letterman in Football, Baseball and wrestling. Did do a circle jerk once when my team made it to the Finals As drunk as we were it was fun. My problem: I am a Fire Fighter and married 2 kids. What I want to know, does body type have anything to do with male bisexuality? Being on squad and married makes that life seem impossible. Any suggestions for me? Really freaking out over this.

Pondering male bisexuality.My Reply:

Oddly enough I have wondered about this in the past. Judging by your amazing history, I’m guessing you are a muscular, athletic man … in other words a big guy teaming with testosterone. Most of the firefighters I know fit this description. I also know fire departments are macho places to work, an environment very few would ever admit to their same-sex attractions, though I’m sure it is more common than you would think.

Fact is male bisexuality or same-sex attractions have nothing to do with your body type and everything to do with your genes. Sexual attraction and arousal are instincts, which are imprinted on our genes, humans and animals alike. Without the this genetic imprint, observing the human body, opposite sex or the same sex, would be nothing more than a passing curiosity.

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The Impact of a Bisexual Husband on a Marriage.

The bisexual husband: his perspective is different from his wife’s.

The men in my novel Five Married Men not only recognize their bisexuality, they give in to their urges and act on them. Since their wives have typical perspectives on this issue, the men set up secret lives camouflaged by a system of lies. Though their wives would see their secret rendezvous as betrayal and infidelity, the men fully believe their physical intimacy with each other is apart from their marriages, and is no reflection on how much they cherish the women they married. But they know their wives would never it this way.

What begins as largely a physical attraction, soon becomes a deep emotional bond, something that fills a void in their lives, which is in addition to the love they have for their women. All of the factors in Five Married Men are not necessarily typical of married bisexual men. They are, however, things married bisexual men think about, even fantasize about, just not things they would necessarily do. In a strong loving marriage built on a foundation of time and honesty, most bisexual married men would not consider lying to their wives, let alone get involved with another man. Still, for him, something will always be missing. That’s the nature of this beast.

Therein lies a lifetime of conflicts, conflicts that often intensify as a man grows older. As the years go by, countless notions and scenarios pass through a bisexual man’s mind. While many bisexual married men can and will live out their lives scarcely impacted by their secret, more than a few find themselves wrestling with a relentless phantom. Many will contemplate talking to their wives about their bisexuality. But how would she take it? What would it do to our marriage? They think about how nice it would be to have a like-minded friend, someone to talk to, maybe even touch and participate with in some mutual exploring. They reason it all out: it wouldn’t hurt anything if she didn’t find out. It wouldn’t make me love her any less. They believe to act on their urges on some level would address their needs without harming anyone, certainly not their marriages.

But often the wife will inevitably find out. Perhaps she senses a change in his behavior, or notices something on his computer, or perhaps he will decide to confess. It’s like a bomb going off on her emotions. Very little could possibly impact her less. She is stunned, angry and confused all at the same time. She can’t believe her husband is interested in men … he’s not like that. She is shocked that he lied to her. Why didn’t he tell me before now, before we got married? She worries her marriage has been destroyed, that he will leave her for a man.

The confessions of a bisexual husband.The problem here is the two utterly different perspectives. Whereas the wife has had a bombshell go off in her life, it’s something the husband has lived with and pondered many years. To her it’s a total disaster; to him everything is essentially normal. This is where the husband has the responsibility put his perspective on hold and be especially mindful of his wife’s emotions. Understand and share her hurt. Giver her time. Let her express her emotions without arguing with them. Just listen while she vents. Find opportunities to reassure her. Let her know his love for her hasn’t changed, that he no longer wants to hide who he is from her, that he wants her to love him despite his bisexuality.

So why didn’t he tell you before you married him? First of, he should have told you. But he didn’t. Maybe because he was afraid you wouldn’t understand, that you wouldn’t marry him. Or he might have honestly believed his love for you would neutralize his bisexuality. It might have been because he was young and still ashamed of the same-sex urges he felt due of his upbringing. Also, being young and in love, a giddy time in anyone’s life, he was probably too caught up in how he felt about you to even be thinking about those errant fantasies about men. Whatever his reason, a new hand has been dealt and the wife now has to not only deal with it, but also figured out which direction her marriage should go.

Days or weeks after the initial shock wears off, the time eventually comes to sensibly talk it out, to reestablish the marriage under new circumstances and mutually agree to the parameters. Those parameters will vary radically from one couple to the next. Most wives will not want to share their husband with anyone, period. Most women, though they are able to accept their husbands bisexuality, they will not be able to accept his acting on it, no matter what. She will want a commitment from him to agree to this, which gives the husband virtually no choice … he had made this pledge in his wedding vows. Then she will likely want to put the matter out of her mind and back into the closet. I believe, if the marriage is built on a solid, loving foundation, most men will love their wives enough to play by the rules. Even then, in time, a woman’s point-of-view and attitude may evolve.

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Some women will see things differently. Some women will graciously accept their husband’s bisexuality, see it in a positive light, want to know more, have many questions. Again, there are as many variations of acceptance as there are women. Acceptance may end with simple curiosity, coupled with his assurance to remain faithful. But as you can see by the pol (above) results, for some women acceptance goes further than curiosity. Continue reading

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Lady Dating a Bisexual Man

My boyfriend is bi, he was completely up front about his sexuality from the beginning which I found comforting and attractive. He is very sweet, educated and I have really fallen for him. At one time I was a bi curious female and had few experiences, mostly being taken care of by a gay female which was amazing. I’m attracted to the female body and still curious but men are my game. I’m ok with him having sex with other men and we always speak openly, never any secrets. He also likes to watch me with other men and have oral sex with me when I’m done.

We have so much openness and honesty about our sexual relationships and have rules and boundaries which parallel traditional relationships, with a twist of course. We are both in our 40s and have had long term sane relationships. I’m afraid to share my open relationship with friends and family, it’s like our bond and secret?? Any advice you can give would be appreciated also any questions I should be asking myself before moving forward? This is all new to me and I question will our relationship be forever given our current challenges. Is it wrong for me to hide this from my personal close friends? I’m walking in with my eyes open and looking for feedback. I’ve read everything written here and respected all your replays.

My reply:

It Sounds like you guys are off to a great start. You have set off in a relationship a great many would envy. You also see the distinction between sex as a mutual bond between two people and casual recreational sex that is experienced, shared and enjoyed by a couple, something apart from what is known as swinging. Though these circumstances certainly aren’t for everyone, for those who are psychologically structured for such an open-minded perspective, and know the value and importance of establishing agreed upon ground rules, I can’t see where anyone has a right to criticize it.

The first part of your question: I don’t see why you should be concerned about telling your friends or family the intimate details concerning you and your boyfriend’s sex life. For one thing it’s none of their business, and I doubt many people talk to others about their private sex lives. If you have a friend or a sister that is really close, that may be different–it depends on the nature of your friendship with them. Use your own discretion. If there is a risk of being judged, I would stay quiet about it.

As for continuing down this new path: Like all new relationships, the first order of business is to enjoy it, along with using the time spent together getting to know each other. It’s a matter of listening to your intuition as things progress, which many of us fail to do. A psychologist once told me that during the dating/romantic phase of a new relationship, you ignore that can of beer in his hand; then after marrying him you realize he’s an alcoholic. Just keep your eyes and ears open, and take the time you need before making a commitment. But along the way, just don’t forget to savor every moment. What you have described looks very positive–with any luck it will lead to a lifetime of happiness for you and your guy.

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I Want To Be A Good Husband

I have no physical relations with my wife because of my sexuality. I had a relationship with a man before my wife and I married and now I feel alone and miss him very much. But I also want to be a good husband. How can I improve my marriage? (edited for clarity)

My Reply:

This is a heart breaker for both you and your wife. I suspect there are a good many marriages devoid of intimacy for any number of reasons. Often it’s because the husband realizes he is no longer attracted to his wife, but is attracted to men. In many cases he still loves her. Loving someone powerfully often has little or nothing to do with sexual attraction. Plus he may like the idea of being married and living a traditional life, even if sex in not part of the equation.

There is not a likely winning solution for you. You have three choices. You can go on living your life the way it is now in a state of quiet desperation, keeping your emotions bottled up inside. Or you can leave your wife and seek out a man, perhaps even the one you had the past relationship with. Or you can talk to your wife, tell her about the man in your past and your attraction to men. By talking to her, at least the two of you will hopefully have an understanding. And she’ll know your lack of interest in her body isn’t her fault. If she can’t abide being married to a gay or bisexual man, you’ll have to deal with your marriage ending. Very sad scenario. But if that were to happen, in the end the two of you will be better off.

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I Have a Boyfriend & a Girlfriend. What should I do?

I was wondering what you think I should do concerning this situation I’ve found myself in.

I’m a 21 year old bi male who has started going out with both another man and another woman (separately). I absolutely love the time I spend with each of them, and I have a pretty great connection with them both in different ways. I feel like eventually I’m going to be forced to choose, but I genuinely don’t want to lose either. I started dating them both around the same time, and we haven’t had the talk about “making things exclusive” but what should I do if that time comes with one or both of them? Is it possible to tell them there’s another person but that I still want to stay with them?

My Reply:

You are hoping for a miracle. It’s all but certain neither of the two involved will accept a third party in their relationship with you. If you make an attempt to that end, you may lose both of them. Just put yourself in their shoes.

There is an important element missing in both your relationships. Honesty. Without it you have a foundation of sand. The guy probably assumes you have an interest in girls, but the girl likely has no idea you are bisexual unless you have told her. The important thing here is she has a right to know, now. It would be cruel to allow her to fall in love with someone she doesn’t know. If the guy is bisexual, it might not bother him much, unless he is geared for an exclusive relationship.

On the other hand, you know the two people involved. The girl may be more open-minded than most girls are. It’s possible she may find all of this intriguing. Since you are obligated to talk to her about your sexuality, and if she accepts it, that would be a good time to tell her about the guy. If the stars are lined up right for you, you might find yourself in a paradise for three. If your bisexuality doesn’t bother her, but she will not agree to you having a boyfriend, be prepared to break it off with the guy, unless he’s the one you would rather keep.

But tell her. Losing her would be better for all concerned than a relationship built on deception.  Clean this up, my friend, and you’ll feel better about it in the long run.

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The Female Perspective of Bisexual Men

Bisexual men. There are far more of them than most people think. Why don’t we know more about them and who they are? Simple: most guys are very good about hiding it. Either the guy doesn’t want to admit it, even to himself, or he knows it’s a very good secret to keep. He assumes women would be put off, or think he’s not masculine. Most likely because he prefers women and believes his bisexuality is inconsequential, therefore it’s not necessary to divulge that side of him. If he’s found the girl he wants to marry, he doesn’t tell her because he fears what she’ll think, or fears she won’t marry him, or perhaps he doesn’t yet realize how formidable his bisexuality can be.

I strongly believe men should tell their prospective wives about their sexuality before the marriage. Women have a right to know. Putting the shoe on the other foot, not telling her is like finding out she is a compulsive gambler after you marry her. By telling her, the two of you can establish the parameters she will be able to accept. Your marriage will begin on a foundation of honesty. You will avoid much more difficult challenges of her finding out after the marriage.

The following pols are designed to show women’s perspectives on male bisexuality.

What is your position on male bisexuality?

Assume you find yourself in the following scenario:

You’ve met a guy you are attracted to, and he’s obviously attracted to you. After a few dates you both realize you love spending time together. Not only do you think he’s beautiful, you’ve come to know him quite well. You’ve slept with him. You admire his intelligence and sense of ambition. You love his sensitivity, his ability to listen, his willingness to express his emotions, and his understanding of women. Then, just as your relationship starts showing signs of becoming serious, he tells you he is bisexual.

The guy you're dating and love being with tells you he is bisexual.

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The guy you are falling in love with tells you he has a workout buddy that he's intimate with, and wants to keep when he gets married.

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