Enlightened Male2000

August 29, 2010

The Long Road of Self-Discovery

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , — martin @ 4:27 pm

From a husband in India; a story that sounds familiar.

I’m a 32 yr old Indian guy, from quite a conservative background with 3 small children. I’ve been married for 5 years now, and am quite close to my wife.

I’m bi, and would say that I am more attracted to guys than women. However, I have been lucky to feel attracted to my wife and kids-allowing, have a satisfactory sex life.

I’ve never been with a guy in my life, though I have used lots of gay porn on the internet, have met a few guys socially from gay personals site ( and now having a few close gay friends I am out to), and have done webcam sex twice with strangers on the net (mixed feelings :-) ).

I haven’t been with a guy but it is not out of lack of opportunity (most of my gay friends tell me I am quite attractive, and have even expressed desire in exploring with me if I am willing). There are a few reasons that I haven’t but one of the main has been that it is important to me to remain honest and keep my wife’s trust in my marriage. I see myself as a bad liar, and wouldn’t be able to hide it for long if I did cheat.

After 5 years of marriage, and at a stage where we are both settling down career-wise and family life is becoming stable, I have felt that the time is right, and have outed myself to her voluntarily. I think my worst nightmare is that she finds out from someone else. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you (as my gay friends don’t get this concept) but it is important to me that I am authentic in my marriage, both in the sense that i can be me as I am, and also that I am not keeping secrets from my wife, irrespective of how dark and horrible they are (I’d say this is quite high up that ranking of darkness).

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August 22, 2010

Gay, Straight or In Between?

Filed under: Bisexuality, Culture, Sexuality — Tags: , — martin @ 8:09 am

You secretly enjoy looking at men, or maybe not so secretly.  Certain men, that is.  Men you find attractive, who define your idea of  masculinity, sensuality and good company.  You like the way they’re formed, the way they think, the way they play and the way hair grows on their bodies.  You snatch glimpses in the gym shower, gaze at the countless photos on the Internet, or wish you could somehow get to know the guy three doors down the street.  You think about how they smell, what it’s like to touch them, or what’s it like to do more.  You may be married or have a girlfriend, or maybe you’re trying to decide which way to go–but you know you’re not entirely gay.

So where do you fit in?

Perhaps you’ve looked at the Kinsey Scale and have identified yourself with a number between 0 and 6.  Want a different perspective, one from a different approach?  You might be interested in the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid.

Here is what the site has to say:

Are you straight, gay, or bisexual? We tend to think of sexual orientation in rather black-and-white terms. In fact, though, few people are exclusively straight or exclusively gay, and there are a lot of shades in between.

The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid was introduced by a sex researcher and psychiatrist named Dr. Fritz Klein in 1978. Based on the Kinsey Scale, it measures a person’s sexual orientation on a continuum between “straight” and “gay”, giving a more nuanced assessment of sexual identity.

After you answer the questions, you’ll get a chart that looks like this:

August 16, 2010

Are Bi-married Men Normal?

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , — martin @ 10:21 am

From the poll taken at The Bi-Married Mafia

The results of our online Poll for bi/gay men married to a woman.

In my initial posting we asked “whether you were normal?” Whether there actually is some measureable semblance of “normal” is to be debated. Whether these responses give us an idea of the normal gay/bi married men is also up for debate. Still we have just over 1280 bi/gay married men respond to the poll. Below are their responses and a few conclusions drawn from those responses.

So first WHO are the men that responded to our survey? They are men that are married to women (or common-law). 68% of our respondents were American another 24% are Canadian with the remaining 9% coming from Europe and Australia.

90% of our respondents are currently married (common-law 84% married, 6% common-law) with 8% now divorced and 2% widowed. The average age of our respondents was 45 years old with 25% being between 20 and 39 years of age and 35% in their 40’s and the remaining 39% being above 50.

83% grew up in a conservative or traditional home and 50% of them grew up under an active religious tradition. Now that they are married only 24% have remained religious with the majority living in liberal homes.

ORIENTATION

We asked, “What do you consider your orientation to be at this time?” 77% of our respondents self identified as “bisexual.”

Straight 1%

Straight but Curious 5%

Bisexual but inclined Heterosexual 16%

Bisexual (Equal Desires for Men & Women) 21%

Bisexual but incline Homosexual 40%

Homosexual but in Hiding 10%

Homosexual 7%

Of these respondents less than half (47%), had actually engaged in same sex activity with another male BEFORE they married. A further 35% were aware of their interest or were curious about sex with another male. It would seem that the majority of men went into their marriages realizing that there was an interest in same sex activity within their personhood (with 82% coming to a realization of their same sex orientation before marriage.)

So now married… what do wives really know of their husband’s orientation? Surprisingly, of the men surveyed, 31% of the wives actually know that their husbands are bi/gay. Not surprisingly 37% of the men conclude that their wives have absolutely no idea of their husband’s orientation. The remaining belongs to spouses that “may wonder” or “perhaps know.”

We asked if these men were at peace with their orientation.

19% answered negatively

19% answered “sometimes”

61% answered positively

We asked does a wife have a right to know about a husband’s orientation? 35% of respondents answered with an adamant “yes”, 13% answered an adamant “no.” The majority (52%) simply did “not know how to answer that question.”

SEXUAL PRACTICES AND ACTIVITIES

I have learned when discussing sexual activity with men, one has to clearly define WHAT sex is. It seems that men have incredibly different understandings of what denotes sex. Some do not consider mutual masturbation as sex; some do not consider oral sex as “sex.” Some conclude that it is only sex when there is anal sex happening. For the purposes of this survey we have chosen to label ALL of the above as “sexual activity.” In other words, “sex” is when one respondent actually touched the genitals of another male.

Of the actual sex practices of gay/bi married men… a full 78% of men HAVE stepped out on their marriages and participated in sex with another male.

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August 14, 2010

What is Bisexuality?

Filed under: Bisexuality — Tags: — martin @ 6:28 am

From Psychology Today, By Dr. Brian Mustanski

Skepticism about the existence of people attracted to both men  and women has come from heterosexuals as well as gays and lesbians. Even within the scientific community there has been debate about the existence and meaning of bisexuality. No one seems to argue with the reality that some people have sex with both men and women. The skepticism has centered on if that behavior is motivated by a strong sexual attraction to both sexes.

This debate recently flared up around the publication of an article by Rieger, Chivers, and Bailey that compared the genital and self-reported sexual arousal patterns of men who identified as heterosexual, bisexual, and gay. Men came into a private room in a lab and were shown several films that either included two men having sex with each other or two women having sex with each other. Genital arousal patterns were measured using a gauge that measures changes in the circumference of the penis as it becomes erect. This is also called a penile plethysmograph. Participants also self-reported their sexual arousal by moving a lever backwards and forwards to show increasing or decreasing arousal.

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August 12, 2010

A Friend Called Secret

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: — martin @ 3:47 pm

I live in Michigan in a house where SECRET has lived for many many years in a secluded closet. The door to this closet is not opened very often very often for standing guard outside the door are a number of strong sentinels that keep watch over Secret to make sure he remains in the closet with the door securely locked. These sentinels are really very kind and seek only what they believe is best for me. There is -love of God and wife,faithfulness, obedience,truth vows; fear and disaster are also standing guard. But despite these wonderful sentinels there is one fellow that keeps trying to sneak past them all to pay Secret a visit. His name is desire; but he comes alone and ends up leaving Secret in the closet.

There have been a few times though when desire brought a friend-Opportunity. Opportunity does not come often and even when he does, most opportunities have ended abruptly because one or two sentinels show up and return Secret to the closet. A new sentinel has been added to the ranks, he is called Aging, he is very good at keeping Opportunity away.

I don’t know if Secret will ever be able to share himself with anyone but it is a comfort to [have my support group] and am grateful to talk from the closet to others who also may have a secret. Respectfully Yours,

Author Unknown

August 9, 2010

Last Outlaw On Love’s Frontier: The Bisexual Male

Filed under: Bisexuality, Culture — Tags: , — martin @ 7:56 am

From www.CrabbyGoLightly.com

EARLIER THIS WEEK (In July 2010)  CNN EXPLORED A PROVOCATIVE TOPIC IN AN ARTICLE ENTITLED, “The last person out of the closet? The bisexual male.”

While straight people are considered “normal,” homosexuals are increasingly accepted, and bi women are tolerated with a sparkly wink, bisexual men continue to be viewed suspiciously.

Bisexuals of both genders often face the stereotypes that they are promiscuous, unable to commit, of wanting to “have our cake and eat it too.” Bisexuals certainly want to indulge in the best of both worlds (and why not you’re so inclined?), but I also know that I am more than willing and perfectly able to commit to the right person, should the question of monogamy ever come up.

Many of us are also told that we are going through a phase, and that this too, young grasshopper, shall pass. My thoughts? If you enjoy fucking a member of your gender now, you’re probably going to enjoy it later, too.

But bisexual men have more to deal with and are constantly battling the perception that they’re really are gay but don’t want to admit to it. And how sad is that! Can you imagine finally mustering the courage to “come out” as a bisexual, only to have someone tell you that you are, azza matter’a fact, just gay?

CNN featured couple Robert and Christine Winn – who have been married almost 18 years. The funk factor? Robert is openly bisexual and his wife accepts his orientation and supports him fully.

It’s just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn’t take the trash out,” Christine said.

Another interviewee, 22-year-old Ben Pierce, likens bisexuality today to being biracial in the 1960s. He spoke about the difficulty in finding a sense of belonging with either camp — gay or straight. For Pierce, and the rest of us who feel that sexual and romantic attraction is “fluid,” there is no black or white. It’s all shades of gray, baby.

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July 24, 2010

G0Ys, A Growing Phenomena

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Culture, Sexuality — Tags: , — martin @ 3:58 pm

G0Ys, (spelled with a zero)

Masculine, basically straight, perhaps married, g0ys are coming into their own. They are men who recognize the emotional and physical beauty of other men. Their relationships with other men are solid and mutually agreeable, sometimes intimate, sometimes sexually active … as in hugging, kissing, showering, and even mutual masturbation, which may include oral.  They in no way fit the commonly perceived gay stereotype and shun activities that include drag, promiscuous sex, effeminate men and anal sex. Quite simply, they are men that appreciate the male form, male bonding and masculine activities.

Considering the broad spectrum of male sex, it’s a rather narrow self-definition of male intimacy, not that these men are concerned about labels.  They know who they are and they are genuinely grateful to have their perceptions. I am personally delighted to see the movement expand. Anything that breaks the barriers to a man’s natural desire for a close personal relationship with other men, or another man, is a step in the right direction.

Depending on a wife’s position, there is no reason married men can’t be gOys. Perhaps a few extra moments in the shower after a workout or a round of golf. Perhaps a little skinny dipping in a secluded river, or a thoughtful touch on the arm, or sitting around the campfire naked, maybe a kiss,  or an exchanged caress. It’s a way to enjoy being a man, of identifying with other men, of brotherhood and trust, of being close, of knowing a magical kind of body chemistry and exploring the mysteries of the male form. To the majority, perhaps, such activities practiced by a married man might be labeled infidelity or homosexuality, though it has nothing to do with anything other than mutual male attraction and responding to male genes.  There is no reason a man can’t be a devoted, loving husband, while at the same time enjoying some level of intimacy with a trusted male friend.

From G0Ys R Us (A forum for G0ys)

G0ys R Us is an initiative to support the g0y movement. Without you, we would not exist!!!

You may be here because you feel completely alone in your situation. After all, you’re basically a regular guy who behaves like any other regular guy. You may even date women or be married.

But, deep inside, you deal with strong feelings of real warmth + genuine affection for other guys too. You’ve seen the media’s take on the “gay” community; & not only do you N0T relate to that image, but you find many of the practices repulsive to your basic value system. The truth is, you’re a guy who really loves masculinity & appreciates those traits in other men, while simultaneously finding actions that effeminize masculine men to be grossly distasteful .

You probably look forward to holidays with your buds — especially those times when you can horse around, wrestle & even be a little tender — like when you’ve had a few beers (or maybe just got done pinning the guy down wrestling) & you find your arm around him, resting a hand on his upper or lower back in a casual, reaffirming hug. You’re the definition of “respectful”, but you want to be closer, too.

G0Ys as defined by the Urban Dictionary

G0YS (Spelled with a ZER0) are guys who find men physically & emotionally attractive, but (for whatever reason) are offended with the stigmas that currently define the ‘gay community’ in the public psyche. G0YS recognize that the “gay-male” community tends to embrace every gender-bending act, fetish & affectation; –And include those things in the general specter of the image that “gay” projects publicly. The easiest to observe example is the commonly used acronym “GLIT” (sometimes “GLIB”) meaning Gay, Lesbian, Intersexed, Transgendered (or BiSexual). The fact that “GAY” is grouped with “Intersexed & Transgendered” is evidence to our primary point showing what the term “GAY” has morphed into. G0YS reject those associations completely & consider it a form of prejudice against men who love men. Behaviorally: Anal-sex is innately shunned by g0ys – as it represents the ultimate form of sexual disrespect whether male/male or male/female. Other distasteful stereotypes include (but are not limited to): Effeminate behavior, extreme passivity (like cowardice) & drag. G0YS don’t call other men “girl”, “bitch”, “queen”, etc. You probably get the idea. G0YS also reject (due to well developed theology), the lax & lazy prejudices that have arisen in conservative fundamentalist circles against all same-gender sexuality.

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Survey for Bisexual Married Men

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Culture — Tags: , , — martin @ 10:38 am

Over at The Bi Married Mafia they’re conducting a survey to help bi-married men better understand their thoughts and activities compared to others in similar circumstances.

Take the survey here.

July 11, 2010

Accepting a Bisexual Husband

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Sexuality — Tags: , , — martin @ 11:28 am

From Stephanie Chen (CNN): one of the most comprehensive and enlightened articles I’ve read on bisexual husbands. Many gay and bisexual men, uncertain of their sexual orientation early in life, follow the the traditional path of falling in love with a college or high school sweetheart, marry her and go on to lead healthy productive lives. The trick, after they eventually come to terms with their sexuality, is how they deal with it.

(CNN) — Robert Winn met his wife, Christine, in college. He was a fraternity boy. She was a sorority girl. Early in their relationship, he made a confession, a thorny secret he camouflaged from his closest family and friends.

The truth sputtered out awkwardly.

Sensing his nervousness, she speculated he would announce he was sick — or perhaps dying?

He told her he was bisexual.

On the surface, Robert Winn, now 40, and Christine Winn, 41, appear to be like any other blissfully married heterosexual couple. They boast nearly 18 years of monogamous marriage. He’s a well-respected physician, who works with the LGBT community in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She’s a successful hospital administrator.

The couple says they’ve grown closer over time, but like any marriage, two people can have differences — including sexual orientation. Christine Winn is straight, and she has been supportive of her husband, who is openly bisexual.

“I don’t think about it [his bisexuality] as a part I have to accept,” she said. “It’s just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn’t take the trash out.”

Her husband feels a sexual and emotional attraction toward men and women. While he fantasizes about Angelina Jolie just as his straight male friends might do, he is also attracted to Brad Pitt.

This may sound like the best of both worlds, but being openly bisexual can be complicated. He frequently battles the stereotypes of bisexuality: That bisexual men are promiscuous. That his relationships with men were just an adolescent phase. That his bisexuality is imaginary. That he’s really a gay man trying to camouflage his orientation.

“There is a whole list of assumptions of what my life might be like, that somehow she is some sort of front for me because I’m not willing to accept I’m gay,” he said. “People are confused by bisexuality. There’s just not a lot of support for people who fall in the middle like me.”

More than 50 percent of Americans accept the idea of a gay or lesbian relationship, signaling growing support for same-sex couples, according to a Gallup poll in May. The poll, however, doesn’t address the issue of bisexuality, often defined as having a romantic attraction to both men and women. It’s a sexual orientation some advocacy groups and researchers say remains challenging because neither the gay community nor the straight population advocates for men and women who are attracted to both sexes.

“It’s either you’re in the closet or out of the closet, and it’s not that simple,” David Malebranche, a physician and professor of medicine at Emory University, says about the common perception of bisexuals.

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July 8, 2010

Buddies, Beer and the Blue Jays

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , , — martin @ 6:00 pm

Here’s a blog written by a thoughtful Bi-married guy in Toronto.  I think he’s on to something.  He’s organized a group for bi-married guys in Toronto to get together and socialize, even develop deep personal friendships.  Every city needs something like this, since bisexual men identify with each other and can form honest open friendships without keeping up that familiar facade. Check the blog out at The Bi Married Mafia.

From Bi Gentleman in Toronto:

Last night I had the occasion to go to a Blue Jays game with a new buddy from out Bi Married Beer Night. We had a great time (and to boot the Blue Jays mopped up on the Minnesota Twins!) We watched the game, made some noise, talked deep between innings, and drank beer. After the game, we went to Nathan Philips Square with what seemed the rest of Toronto and talked late about life, marriage, relationships, exes (which he spent an hour lecturing on why he thinks mine are delusional) and pretty much anything else that was relevant to our lives at this time.

These beer buddies, meet once every couple of weeks at a local pub. We sit around and joke, laugh, and talk. Most are married and deeply in the closet. Most struggle to walk this life with some measure of “clarity and decency. “ For most, this is the only group of people that have some idea of the truths of the lives that we live. Most of us chat a few times a week with each other on the internet and have actually become friends… some are more to themselves.

There is an African Proverb that says, “He who never travels thinks that his mother is the best cook.” The power of perspective and experience cannot be understated.

I am a fortunate man. I have a number of deeply close straight friends that I can talk to about just about anything. They know about me (and I know their stories as well) and we talk. I love these straight friends like my own family and have been fortunate to receive that love and acceptance back. Still there are some things that, though I can surely tell them about… they just are unable to fully “get” simply because of the limitations of their experiences and understandings.

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