Enlightened Male2000

August 29, 2010

The Long Road of Self-Discovery

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , — martin @ 4:27 pm

From a husband in India; a story that sounds familiar.

I’m a 32 yr old Indian guy, from quite a conservative background with 3 small children. I’ve been married for 5 years now, and am quite close to my wife.

I’m bi, and would say that I am more attracted to guys than women. However, I have been lucky to feel attracted to my wife and kids-allowing, have a satisfactory sex life.

I’ve never been with a guy in my life, though I have used lots of gay porn on the internet, have met a few guys socially from gay personals site ( and now having a few close gay friends I am out to), and have done webcam sex twice with strangers on the net (mixed feelings :-) ).

I haven’t been with a guy but it is not out of lack of opportunity (most of my gay friends tell me I am quite attractive, and have even expressed desire in exploring with me if I am willing). There are a few reasons that I haven’t but one of the main has been that it is important to me to remain honest and keep my wife’s trust in my marriage. I see myself as a bad liar, and wouldn’t be able to hide it for long if I did cheat.

After 5 years of marriage, and at a stage where we are both settling down career-wise and family life is becoming stable, I have felt that the time is right, and have outed myself to her voluntarily. I think my worst nightmare is that she finds out from someone else. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you (as my gay friends don’t get this concept) but it is important to me that I am authentic in my marriage, both in the sense that i can be me as I am, and also that I am not keeping secrets from my wife, irrespective of how dark and horrible they are (I’d say this is quite high up that ranking of darkness).

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August 16, 2010

Are Bi-married Men Normal?

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , — martin @ 10:21 am

From the poll taken at The Bi-Married Mafia

The results of our online Poll for bi/gay men married to a woman.

In my initial posting we asked “whether you were normal?” Whether there actually is some measureable semblance of “normal” is to be debated. Whether these responses give us an idea of the normal gay/bi married men is also up for debate. Still we have just over 1280 bi/gay married men respond to the poll. Below are their responses and a few conclusions drawn from those responses.

So first WHO are the men that responded to our survey? They are men that are married to women (or common-law). 68% of our respondents were American another 24% are Canadian with the remaining 9% coming from Europe and Australia.

90% of our respondents are currently married (common-law 84% married, 6% common-law) with 8% now divorced and 2% widowed. The average age of our respondents was 45 years old with 25% being between 20 and 39 years of age and 35% in their 40’s and the remaining 39% being above 50.

83% grew up in a conservative or traditional home and 50% of them grew up under an active religious tradition. Now that they are married only 24% have remained religious with the majority living in liberal homes.

ORIENTATION

We asked, “What do you consider your orientation to be at this time?” 77% of our respondents self identified as “bisexual.”

Straight 1%

Straight but Curious 5%

Bisexual but inclined Heterosexual 16%

Bisexual (Equal Desires for Men & Women) 21%

Bisexual but incline Homosexual 40%

Homosexual but in Hiding 10%

Homosexual 7%

Of these respondents less than half (47%), had actually engaged in same sex activity with another male BEFORE they married. A further 35% were aware of their interest or were curious about sex with another male. It would seem that the majority of men went into their marriages realizing that there was an interest in same sex activity within their personhood (with 82% coming to a realization of their same sex orientation before marriage.)

So now married… what do wives really know of their husband’s orientation? Surprisingly, of the men surveyed, 31% of the wives actually know that their husbands are bi/gay. Not surprisingly 37% of the men conclude that their wives have absolutely no idea of their husband’s orientation. The remaining belongs to spouses that “may wonder” or “perhaps know.”

We asked if these men were at peace with their orientation.

19% answered negatively

19% answered “sometimes”

61% answered positively

We asked does a wife have a right to know about a husband’s orientation? 35% of respondents answered with an adamant “yes”, 13% answered an adamant “no.” The majority (52%) simply did “not know how to answer that question.”

SEXUAL PRACTICES AND ACTIVITIES

I have learned when discussing sexual activity with men, one has to clearly define WHAT sex is. It seems that men have incredibly different understandings of what denotes sex. Some do not consider mutual masturbation as sex; some do not consider oral sex as “sex.” Some conclude that it is only sex when there is anal sex happening. For the purposes of this survey we have chosen to label ALL of the above as “sexual activity.” In other words, “sex” is when one respondent actually touched the genitals of another male.

Of the actual sex practices of gay/bi married men… a full 78% of men HAVE stepped out on their marriages and participated in sex with another male.

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August 12, 2010

A Friend Called Secret

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: — martin @ 3:47 pm

I live in Michigan in a house where SECRET has lived for many many years in a secluded closet. The door to this closet is not opened very often very often for standing guard outside the door are a number of strong sentinels that keep watch over Secret to make sure he remains in the closet with the door securely locked. These sentinels are really very kind and seek only what they believe is best for me. There is -love of God and wife,faithfulness, obedience,truth vows; fear and disaster are also standing guard. But despite these wonderful sentinels there is one fellow that keeps trying to sneak past them all to pay Secret a visit. His name is desire; but he comes alone and ends up leaving Secret in the closet.

There have been a few times though when desire brought a friend-Opportunity. Opportunity does not come often and even when he does, most opportunities have ended abruptly because one or two sentinels show up and return Secret to the closet. A new sentinel has been added to the ranks, he is called Aging, he is very good at keeping Opportunity away.

I don’t know if Secret will ever be able to share himself with anyone but it is a comfort to [have my support group] and am grateful to talk from the closet to others who also may have a secret. Respectfully Yours,

Author Unknown

July 24, 2010

G0Ys, A Growing Phenomena

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Culture, Sexuality — Tags: , — martin @ 3:58 pm

G0Ys, (spelled with a zero)

Masculine, basically straight, perhaps married, g0ys are coming into their own. They are men who recognize the emotional and physical beauty of other men. Their relationships with other men are solid and mutually agreeable, sometimes intimate, sometimes sexually active … as in hugging, kissing, showering, and even mutual masturbation, which may include oral.  They in no way fit the commonly perceived gay stereotype and shun activities that include drag, promiscuous sex, effeminate men and anal sex. Quite simply, they are men that appreciate the male form, male bonding and masculine activities.

Considering the broad spectrum of male sex, it’s a rather narrow self-definition of male intimacy, not that these men are concerned about labels.  They know who they are and they are genuinely grateful to have their perceptions. I am personally delighted to see the movement expand. Anything that breaks the barriers to a man’s natural desire for a close personal relationship with other men, or another man, is a step in the right direction.

Depending on a wife’s position, there is no reason married men can’t be gOys. Perhaps a few extra moments in the shower after a workout or a round of golf. Perhaps a little skinny dipping in a secluded river, or a thoughtful touch on the arm, or sitting around the campfire naked, maybe a kiss,  or an exchanged caress. It’s a way to enjoy being a man, of identifying with other men, of brotherhood and trust, of being close, of knowing a magical kind of body chemistry and exploring the mysteries of the male form. To the majority, perhaps, such activities practiced by a married man might be labeled infidelity or homosexuality, though it has nothing to do with anything other than mutual male attraction and responding to male genes.  There is no reason a man can’t be a devoted, loving husband, while at the same time enjoying some level of intimacy with a trusted male friend.

From G0Ys R Us (A forum for G0ys)

G0ys R Us is an initiative to support the g0y movement. Without you, we would not exist!!!

You may be here because you feel completely alone in your situation. After all, you’re basically a regular guy who behaves like any other regular guy. You may even date women or be married.

But, deep inside, you deal with strong feelings of real warmth + genuine affection for other guys too. You’ve seen the media’s take on the “gay” community; & not only do you N0T relate to that image, but you find many of the practices repulsive to your basic value system. The truth is, you’re a guy who really loves masculinity & appreciates those traits in other men, while simultaneously finding actions that effeminize masculine men to be grossly distasteful .

You probably look forward to holidays with your buds — especially those times when you can horse around, wrestle & even be a little tender — like when you’ve had a few beers (or maybe just got done pinning the guy down wrestling) & you find your arm around him, resting a hand on his upper or lower back in a casual, reaffirming hug. You’re the definition of “respectful”, but you want to be closer, too.

G0Ys as defined by the Urban Dictionary

G0YS (Spelled with a ZER0) are guys who find men physically & emotionally attractive, but (for whatever reason) are offended with the stigmas that currently define the ‘gay community’ in the public psyche. G0YS recognize that the “gay-male” community tends to embrace every gender-bending act, fetish & affectation; –And include those things in the general specter of the image that “gay” projects publicly. The easiest to observe example is the commonly used acronym “GLIT” (sometimes “GLIB”) meaning Gay, Lesbian, Intersexed, Transgendered (or BiSexual). The fact that “GAY” is grouped with “Intersexed & Transgendered” is evidence to our primary point showing what the term “GAY” has morphed into. G0YS reject those associations completely & consider it a form of prejudice against men who love men. Behaviorally: Anal-sex is innately shunned by g0ys – as it represents the ultimate form of sexual disrespect whether male/male or male/female. Other distasteful stereotypes include (but are not limited to): Effeminate behavior, extreme passivity (like cowardice) & drag. G0YS don’t call other men “girl”, “bitch”, “queen”, etc. You probably get the idea. G0YS also reject (due to well developed theology), the lax & lazy prejudices that have arisen in conservative fundamentalist circles against all same-gender sexuality.

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Survey for Bisexual Married Men

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Culture — Tags: , , — martin @ 10:38 am

Over at The Bi Married Mafia they’re conducting a survey to help bi-married men better understand their thoughts and activities compared to others in similar circumstances.

Take the survey here.

July 11, 2010

Accepting a Bisexual Husband

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Sexuality — Tags: , , — martin @ 11:28 am

From Stephanie Chen (CNN): one of the most comprehensive and enlightened articles I’ve read on bisexual husbands. Many gay and bisexual men, uncertain of their sexual orientation early in life, follow the the traditional path of falling in love with a college or high school sweetheart, marry her and go on to lead healthy productive lives. The trick, after they eventually come to terms with their sexuality, is how they deal with it.

(CNN) — Robert Winn met his wife, Christine, in college. He was a fraternity boy. She was a sorority girl. Early in their relationship, he made a confession, a thorny secret he camouflaged from his closest family and friends.

The truth sputtered out awkwardly.

Sensing his nervousness, she speculated he would announce he was sick — or perhaps dying?

He told her he was bisexual.

On the surface, Robert Winn, now 40, and Christine Winn, 41, appear to be like any other blissfully married heterosexual couple. They boast nearly 18 years of monogamous marriage. He’s a well-respected physician, who works with the LGBT community in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She’s a successful hospital administrator.

The couple says they’ve grown closer over time, but like any marriage, two people can have differences — including sexual orientation. Christine Winn is straight, and she has been supportive of her husband, who is openly bisexual.

“I don’t think about it [his bisexuality] as a part I have to accept,” she said. “It’s just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn’t take the trash out.”

Her husband feels a sexual and emotional attraction toward men and women. While he fantasizes about Angelina Jolie just as his straight male friends might do, he is also attracted to Brad Pitt.

This may sound like the best of both worlds, but being openly bisexual can be complicated. He frequently battles the stereotypes of bisexuality: That bisexual men are promiscuous. That his relationships with men were just an adolescent phase. That his bisexuality is imaginary. That he’s really a gay man trying to camouflage his orientation.

“There is a whole list of assumptions of what my life might be like, that somehow she is some sort of front for me because I’m not willing to accept I’m gay,” he said. “People are confused by bisexuality. There’s just not a lot of support for people who fall in the middle like me.”

More than 50 percent of Americans accept the idea of a gay or lesbian relationship, signaling growing support for same-sex couples, according to a Gallup poll in May. The poll, however, doesn’t address the issue of bisexuality, often defined as having a romantic attraction to both men and women. It’s a sexual orientation some advocacy groups and researchers say remains challenging because neither the gay community nor the straight population advocates for men and women who are attracted to both sexes.

“It’s either you’re in the closet or out of the closet, and it’s not that simple,” David Malebranche, a physician and professor of medicine at Emory University, says about the common perception of bisexuals.

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July 8, 2010

Buddies, Beer and the Blue Jays

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , , — martin @ 6:00 pm

Here’s a blog written by a thoughtful Bi-married guy in Toronto.  I think he’s on to something.  He’s organized a group for bi-married guys in Toronto to get together and socialize, even develop deep personal friendships.  Every city needs something like this, since bisexual men identify with each other and can form honest open friendships without keeping up that familiar facade. Check the blog out at The Bi Married Mafia.

From Bi Gentleman in Toronto:

Last night I had the occasion to go to a Blue Jays game with a new buddy from out Bi Married Beer Night. We had a great time (and to boot the Blue Jays mopped up on the Minnesota Twins!) We watched the game, made some noise, talked deep between innings, and drank beer. After the game, we went to Nathan Philips Square with what seemed the rest of Toronto and talked late about life, marriage, relationships, exes (which he spent an hour lecturing on why he thinks mine are delusional) and pretty much anything else that was relevant to our lives at this time.

These beer buddies, meet once every couple of weeks at a local pub. We sit around and joke, laugh, and talk. Most are married and deeply in the closet. Most struggle to walk this life with some measure of “clarity and decency. “ For most, this is the only group of people that have some idea of the truths of the lives that we live. Most of us chat a few times a week with each other on the internet and have actually become friends… some are more to themselves.

There is an African Proverb that says, “He who never travels thinks that his mother is the best cook.” The power of perspective and experience cannot be understated.

I am a fortunate man. I have a number of deeply close straight friends that I can talk to about just about anything. They know about me (and I know their stories as well) and we talk. I love these straight friends like my own family and have been fortunate to receive that love and acceptance back. Still there are some things that, though I can surely tell them about… they just are unable to fully “get” simply because of the limitations of their experiences and understandings.

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July 2, 2010

It’s Complicated, Really Complicated

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands — Tags: , — martin @ 5:42 pm

I came received this from a feed linked to an Internet community for gay and bisexual husbands, a collection of men of all ages and circumstances scattered around the United States.  It’s a series of questions many gay and bisexual married men live with everyday.  Despite your personal convictions, we have to make way for those who grapple in different ways with the genes they were born with .

1. Do we embrace our love of men with acceptance, even joy, instead of feeling bad about it?

2. Do we embrace the love of our wives as central, or is that lessened or weakened by our attractions to men (even if we do not act on those, but certainly if we do)

3. Do we tell our wives this is a part of who we are, or do we find we need to keep that part of ourselves hidden but diminish or eliminate the guilt we have in our pursuits

4. Can we find men for our particular needs of male sexual pleasure without that pursuit itself detracting from our other love and life responsibilities, or does that pursuit itself have a negative impact on us (obsessive use of pornography or search time, lack of positive results and so frustration, stealing time from family or work or friends in searching or acting out sex with men)

5. What is the honest sexual continuum we feel? Lots or little desire for our wives even if we love them? Lots or little need for male sexual action even if we say we love our wives primarily.

6. Are we really gay and if so what does that mean for the marriage? Can we stay in it because of our non-sexual love and history with her is so important for us, or does it cal into question the entire marriage?

7. If we do tell her, what kind of accommodation do we imagine or want? Acceptance but no on-going talk about it (don’t ask, don’t tell), sharing of some particulars in stories, participation by her in some of our sexual forays, permission and encouragement for her to have her own outside sexual liaisons? a wide open marriage that accepts one or both of you may find sexually and emotionally compelling others for stretches of time, yet you are able to stay together?

8. Who are we drawn to and can we attract them and what is that all about? Younger men, men our age, older men? Gay men? Dads? Short hot encounters or longer more casual friends with benefits? And then there is that whole issue of finding what positions and roles you want to be in and having the gumption to go after it.

9. How does sex with men fit into our other life issues? (a bigger issue the older we get) Retirement? Having good men friends of a non-sexual kind? Pursuit of professional or community or personal interests? Having fun? Working on our “spiritual” side or defining the larger meaning of our lives?

10. How widely do we want our real self to be known? Wife? Whole family? Circle of friends? Community?

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April 19, 2010

A Bisexual Married Man’s Story

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Bisexuality — Tags: , , — martin @ 7:26 am

Another story that came my way which presents powerful human emotion: the battle in a man’s head who loves his wife and is also driven by his attraction to men. Surely there is balance for couples like this, and many have found it, but for most, a lack of understanding and the strictures of our modern-day moral codes prevent emotional solutions.

dilemma

Reaching out:

My wife and I had not had sex in many years, after a slow atrophy of interest and increasing performance issues on my part. I have shared this with only one old friend. I knew my reawakened interest in men and discovery of male porn was a large part of it, but job changes, body changes, tensions around parenting all become the convenient excuses. I was also ashamed to admit that as she put on some weight and aged, and I was working around many younger and attractive women and men, I found her less attractive. Objectively, she is still attractive, energetic, smart, funny, and accomplished, and I feel strong love, but not sexual excitement like I did. I do not want to lose her, we are soul mates.

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March 12, 2010

Lost in a Hopeless Fantasy

Filed under: Bisexual Husbands, Bisexuality — Tags: , — martin @ 3:31 pm

A plea that could be repeated countless times by men around the world, rooted in an age-old conflict: A man has a great desire to be married, build a life and a family with a woman, yet his natural desire for a man is overwhelming.

two men3

From a support group for bisexual married men:

I’d like to start by saying that I love my wife, we are very happy, and our sex life is good. We have been married for about a year and are expecting a child in a few months, both of us are very excited about that. When I asked my wife to marry me I made a commitment to her that I would never be with anyone else and I plan on honoring that vow. I did not have very many sexual encounters in my teens or twenties just a few one night stands and short relationships all heterosexual. I told myself that I was waiting for the perfect girl which is now my wife.

With that being said I have always fantasized and masturbated about being with a man. I would say that about ninety percent of the time my sexual fantasies involve men, and sometimes I even think about it when I’m having sex with my wife. I don’t like having these thoughts, but I have always had them. I don’t think that I could ever be with a man emotionally, ordering pizza and snuggling on the couch with a man on a Friday night is not something that I think I would enjoy. Before I got married I did meet a man on the internet and we were going to meet up, but I chickened out. I think now that I’m married, the fact that I can’t do that any more or have that option is driving me crazy. I seem to think about it more and more, a lot more than I ever did before I got married.

I guess I would just like some help to minimize these thoughts, I know that they will most likely never go away and I have come to accept the fact the I am bisexual even though I have never been with a man. Like I said I don’t plan on experimenting with a man even though I’m sure I would like it (and that could be what I’m scared of) I made a promise to my wife and I plan on keeping it. I feel like I am being unfair to my wife by having these thoughts, but I do love her more than any one in the world as both a friend and a lover. I could not ever image loosing what we both have together.

Thanks

There are no easy answers.  One man, two distinctly different desires.  Society and the church defines what’s right and wrong in situations like this, but is that definition compatible with Mother Nature?  Who’s to say what’s right or wrong when instincts are so powerful?  I fully sympathize with this man, though I personally can’t understand why a guy would want a physical relationship with another man without an emotional connection.

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