Wives Who Watch or Participate

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Thinking about a husband having sex with another man is anathema to most women.  Actually seeing it is unthinkable.

For others it’s an integral part of their marriage.  Some wives are not only present, they participate.  They not only witness their husbands give and receive sexual pleasure with another man, they explore and receive sexual attention from two men at the same time.   Not that they were necessarily predisposed to intimacy with someone other than their husband, they were, however, able to contemplate being married to a bisexual man with an open mind, weigh the consequences, accept the circumstances, and then decide to be connected to this part of her husband’s nature.  For many, coupled mutually agreed upon and acceptable parameters, the experience turns out to be liberating and personally rewarding.

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These women have decided they do not want their husband’s bisexuality to divide their marriage, or be denied, or see him live out his life in quiet desperation.  They don’t want to worry about him meeting other men secretly.  Even when they have decided he should have a special friend, they don’t want him living a separate life one or two nights a week at some vague rendezvous away from home.  They have prepared themselves spiritually. morally and psychologically to be part of her husband’s relationship with another man.

For wives searching for common ground with their bisexual husbands, this scenario can seem complicated and daunting.  On many levels, depending on the wife’s long held beliefs, it is.  However, based on the accounts I have read, bringing a new dimension into the marriage can also be stimulating, rewarding, and even exciting.  Often a man and wife become closer, based on the fact that this is a newly discovered way to be part of each others soul.  A new understanding has revealed itself, a new closeness, revealed by way of compromise found in very few of today’s marriages.

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Myths About Bisexual Men

Homosexuals and heterosexuals alike often misunderstand the nature of bisexuality. The thought of a person that is attracted to both men and women can be confusing and frequently leads to misconceptions and stereotypes. Below are the top 5 myths about bi men.

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* Myth: Bisexuality Is Only A Phase

For years the gay community has challenged heterosexuals who publicly state that homosexuality is only a phase. Bisexuals face the same generalization from both the gay and straight communities. Many bisexuals are completely in touch with their emotions and desires for members of both genders and often feel limited by the thought of attraction to only a man or woman. Emotional connections often take precedence when bisexuals pursue a potential partner. Bisexuality is just as much of a natural process as homosexuality and heterosexuality.

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* Myth: Bi Men Have To Choose To Be Either Gay or Straight

Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women on both an emotional and physical level. Some “lean straight” (meaning they prefer a member of the opposite sex, but same-sex partners are always an option) and others “lean gay” (which means they prefer members of the same sex, but would consider a relationship with a member of the opposite sex). Nonetheless, they are not simply gay or straight and definitely do not have to choose.

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* Myth: Bisexual Men Are Sexually Confused

A common misconception in both the gay and heterosexual communities is that bisexuals are sexually confused. This misconception is far from the truth. Bisexuals are attracted to both sexes and are in many cases more clear about their sexuality than most others.

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* Myth: Bisexual Men Will Never Marry

Alongside the thought that bisexual men and women are sexually confused is the myth that they will never be able to settle down in a monogamous relationship with a partner of either gender. In many cases, bisexuals put a lot of emphasis on emotional connections. That in mind, the opportunity to find a life partner is just as viable as it is in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship.

Note:  People, including bisexuals will either engage in infidelity or they will not.  It depends entirely on an individual’s character, their convictions and their ability to resist temptation, not their sexual orientation.  However, over a period of time, bisexuals in a committed relationship often come to believe something is missing in their lives.  Bisexual men, for example, who are devoted to their wives, sometimes recognize a desire for a connection and/or the unique forms of intimacy found only in a relationship with another man.  I would suspect female bisexuals experience the same thing.  Men often believe this is something completely apart from their marriage, and define it as something other than infidelity.   It can be considered the one  issue that may set bisexuals apart from their gay and heterosexual brothers.  Unless the bisexual man or woman clears the air before the marriage, it’s the one issue that has the potential to complicate things later on.

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* Myth: Bi Men Are Sexually Promiscuous

Bisexuals are no more promiscuous than any others. Promiscuity (or frequent sex with multiple partners) is an individual trait not to be associated with any one group of people. However, liking both males and females increases a bisexual man’s chances of finding a sexual partner or potential relationship (by shear numbers alone).

Article by:  Ramon Johnson, About.com

What is Bisexuality?

Wikipedia defines bisexuality as sexual behavior with emotional [and/or] physical attraction to people of both genders (male and female), or a bisexual orientation.  People who have a bisexual orientation “can experience sexual, emotional, and affectionate attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex”; “it also refers to an individual’s sense of personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them.”  It is one of the three main classifications of sexual orientation, along with a heterosexual and a homosexual orientation. Individuals who do not experience sexual attraction to either sex are known as asexual.

According to Alfred Kinsey’s research into human sexuality in the mid-20th century, many humans do not fall exclusively into heterosexual or homosexual classifications but somewhere between.  The Kinsey scale measures sexual attraction and behavior on a seven-point scale ranging from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). According to Kinsey’s study, a substantial number of people fall within the range of 1 to 5 (between heterosexual and homosexual). Although Kinsey’s methodology has been criticized, the scale is still widely used in describing the continuum of human sexuality.

bisexual1Those Reporting They are Bisexual by Political-Gender Cohort (VL=Very Liberal, L=Liberal, M=Moderate, C=Conservative, VC=Very Conservative)

Bisexuality has been observed in various human societies and elsewhere in the animal kingdom throughout recorded history. The term bisexuality, however, like the terms hetero- and homosexuality, was only coined in the 19th century.  Read the full wikipedia account here.

In my novel, Five Married Men, all five husbands fall into the middle spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual.  They love their wives unequivocally and none regret being married, though the weight of society’s mores wears mercilessly on them, along with a lifelong indoctrination as to what defines masculinity.  They love their wives but they also face an inner struggle, an identity that they have to keep suppressed, a growing urge for an intimate connection with another male.  They fear living out their lives in a painful state of hopeless denial.  When the opportunity to explore this side of their nature presents itself, they surrender.  They are unable to equate their physical affection for each other as infidelity, but they are racked with guilt over lying to their wives.

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Five Married Men explores the unsuccessful stages of denial, the process of taking the first step, the jubilation involved when two bisexual men connect, the arguments for and against guilt, and the consequences for all concerned.  The powerful emotions experienced are an integral part of this story, both from the husband’s and the wife’s perspective.  Along the way, in this case, they discover a winning solution is difficult if not impossible to find.

Of course that’s not always the case.  Many couples, though so many tragically end in divorce, find ways to compromise and even redefine the parameters of their marriage.  More often than not, the road is difficult and emotional, but love and mutual respect often prevails, if both partners can find a way to shed “conventional wisdom” and the phantoms of social/religious indoctrination.  It takes recognizing the fact, no matter how the marital parameters are redefined, that the foundation of the marriage will always be intact, that love will remain strong and will perhaps grow stronger.

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How Can I Find Out if He is Bisexual?

How can I “catch” him?

I’ve run across a number of websites that outline ways wives can “catch” their husbands in some type of activity that proves he’s bisexual or gay, usually through his computer history: websites he visits, movies he watches, even read his e-mail.

My God!  What kind of a marriage is this?

Why not forget all the duplicity and secret agent stuff and just ask him?

Don’t be defensive or accusatory, and don’t  blurt out the question one night at the dinner table.  Try a far more thoughtful approach.  If you have reason to believe your husband is bisexual, you must, to some extent, already be prepared to learn that he is; you can therefore  plan and control the atmosphere that will be created when you ask this question.

He probably doesn’t know you’ve been thinking about this for a long time.  He doesn’t know you have reason to suspect.  He isn’t expecting you to question him on this most taboo of subjects.  So lay some mental groundwork in your own mind before you stage the question; in other words be mentally prepared to orchestrate a civil, productive discussion.  Be prepared, for now anyway, to set your emotions aside so that if you learn your marriage is going to somehow be redefined, your starting place will be rational.  You can go out and kick the garbage can all over the back yard in anger at some later date. Continue reading

Wistful Thoughts

I could not love my wife more.  Nor could I have a stronger desire to spend the rest of my life with her, to cherish every moment we’re together, to hold her every night and thank my lucky stars that I found her.

Ah, but there are times . . . usually when it’s least expected, I set eyes on another human being, a man . . . and I wonder.  I wonder what kind of personality he has, if there are many well-kept secrets in his head, like there are in mine.  I wonder what it would be like to know him, to have a friend like him, someone to spend time with and talk and trade innermost thoughts.

I instinctually recognize a certain chemistry, then wonder if it’s nothing more than my imagination, or wishful thoughts.  But I envision it anyway as I picture us walking shoulder to shoulder, from time to time brushing against each other, glancing at each other with a knowing gaze.

I picture the two of us camping by a fast moving stream, sitting side-by-side on a big rock, staring out over the terrain, talking now and then about the things that cross our minds.  When the heat of the day makes us feel sweaty, we strip off our clothes and play in the stream; and by day’s end, we’re sitting in the rapids, knees touching, eyes locked, cherishing our friendship, pondering the oncoming night.

Then later, lying close under the stars in the warm night air, staring up into the heavens, arms touching, I find myself drawn to his body heat and the smell of a man, and my imagination takes me to special places.  We had been looking at each other all day, recalling memories and thinking about memories yet unborn; then the feel of his breath on my neck.

Very little sleep accompanies the night and we find ourselves preparing breakfast, silent glances and smiles as we reflect on the feelings still inside us.  Another day is before us, another day much like the one that just passed.

So the week disappears; that part of us that no one else knows has been nourished and resolved, and we feel it on our skin–we are both comfortable with who we are.  We load the car, now anxious to get home to our wives and the world we have chosen.  And from time to time, as the months fall behind, we’ll think about next summer, when we’ll return to our secret campsite to do it again.

All of this in just one glance at the right man.

Married to a Bisexual Man

It appears to be a growing phenomena: men allowing themselves to recognize and explore their inner feelings, then ‘coming out’ to their wives.  The affect most often is devastating.

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Most women don’t want to believe their husbands have the capacity for a physical relationship with another man. They feel betrayed: “Why didn’t you tell me before we got married?”.  They feel threatened: “He’s going to leave me for a man!”  They are confused: “How can he be attracted to me when he’s attracted to men?”  Their world is turned upside down and the future looks like a black hole.  Even if a man knows his wife quite well, he rarely anticipates the depth of anguish she feels.  Everything has changed and you are both on a new, complicated, unpredictible path.

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He is likely to be focused on his own emotions, thereby plunging his wife into even deeper anxiety.   Even though he loves her, wants to stay married and does not want to hurt her, his attraction to men seems natural to him, even innocent.  He often fails to recognize the explanations and reassurances his wife needs.  He often fails to recognize his responsibility to see his wife through one of the most traumatic experiences she has ever lived through.

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Her amazing capacity to love has been handicapped by confusion, doubt, fear and anger.  When my novel “Five Married Men” was published a couple of years ago, I began hearing from women seeking advice and answers.  Most have been in the confused initial stages after finding out their husbands were attracted to men. I’ve made a number of friends by corresponding with these ladies. Invariably they believed they were in loving healthy marriages until they were handed the bombshell.  Now they’re at a loss as to what direction to take.

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The saddest aspect of this unwanted scenario is too many otherwise healthy marriages end in divorce.  I personally believe this can be avoided when real love binds a man and wife, though finding middle ground can be frustrating and emotionally difficult.  One has to give more than the other, and in my mind the burden rests on the husband’s shoulders–he didn’t tell her before they got married; he delivered the shock; he is in control of his choices from this point forward, and it’s up to him to make choices that lie within the parameters of his wife’s sensibilities.

Exchanging experiences, ideas and perspectives can help. Post your comments on this subject to help those taking the first steps on this path  find answers.

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If you’re a wife:  Has your husband come out as bi or gay?  How did it unfold? Maybe you caught him with another man, or just suspect something is going on.   Maybe you have questions that others can relate to and offer advice, or different perspectives.

If you’re a husband:  Have you told your wife, and if so, how did it go?  Are you seeing a man now,  secretly or openly?  Any advise for other men who don’t know what to do?  How do you think a man should handle his feelings or his desire for another man?

Your thoughts may help others who are going through this.  Your questions may find answers from others who have been there.