Category Archives: Discussion

Topics of interest to comment on.

Confession of a Straight Guy

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Confessions of a more-or-less straight guy

Allan MacInnis / Xtra West / Vancouver

It’s time for me to come out of the closet to Xtra West readers.

I’ve written a half-dozen articles and reviews for the paper, interviewed Annie Sprinkle and her partner Beth Stephens, and talked to the directors of two queer-themed documentaries, one horror film and at least one play. I might do another article or two for the paper, if they’ll have me.

The thing is, it’s time to admit it and take my lumps: I’m straight. An interloper, a tourist. I feel like I have to come clean.

I’m not completely straight, understand; probably no one is, but my version of “straight” may be a little more crooked than some.

distressed

I posed nude once with Michael V Smith, and – he doesn’t know it – had a dream once, possibly wet, where he went down on me.

In university, I was convinced by an essay of Leo Bersani’s, “Is the Rectum a Grave,” that our culture’s homophobia had wrongly led men to disown their anuses as a source of sexual pleasure, which prompted me to experiment with penetrating myself during masturbation sessions.

I even figured out during my yoga days how to perform autofellatio, so I can boast about having had one penis in my mouth – my own. (Sadly, I couldn’t get hard, mostly because the position was so fucking uncomfortable; talk about a Catch 22).

There was even an episode once in my 20s where I agreed to let some anonymous man on a chat line give me a blowjob, only to discover to my disappointment that I couldn’t find the address he’d told me to meet him at.

And long before that, in my preteen years, a neighbourhood boy and myself compared our penises while hiding, literally, in a closet (I declined his invitation to suck his, but I did touch it and hold it, and he mine; I was mostly just curious – he was the one who got hard).

None of this gives me the right to call myself “gay.” Every orgasm I’ve given or shared has been with a woman. Every sexual impulse I’ve felt in adult life towards men around me – and such impulses do arise from time to time despite my hetero orientation – has been squelched as potentially opening a can of worms.

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The Male Psyche

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Understanding the Male Psyche

Trying to comprehend the male psyche is like trying to comprehend the Universe, but possibly more of a challenge, though worthwhile when considering the particular male you may be interested in.

The first part is easy.  His looks.  To you he is beautiful.  You want someone that looks like him.  Done deal as far as that department is concerned.  The next part is also fairly easy: the chemistry that’s likely to develop quickly between the two of you, or not develop at all.  You like the way he smiles, the way he smells, the feelings you get when you are close.  Two bases are covered, chemistry and physical appeal, you’re ready to fall in love.  You’re ready, but you’re also facing the possible challenges of the male psyche.

Studies have defined the male psyche by seven categories: shame, emotional absence, insecurity, selfishness, aggression, self-destruction and sexual behavior.

Within these seven categories lies the answer as to whether the two of you are compatible or not.  In sync in all seven, great.  On the other hand being at odds with just one of them can damage or destroy a relationship, unless one of you are prepared to compromise for the rest of your life, or the other has the ability to recognize a character flaw within himself and is willing to change.

Sometimes, usually at the beginning of a relationship, the signs of a character flaw are subtle, or easily ignored because you are so head-over-heels crazy about him.  But eventually you realize that can of beer he never forgets to open after dinner is actually a case and a half over the weekend . . . and you don’t drink!

Seven Categories of the Male Psyche

All seven categories are influenced by the the indoctrination almost every male receives from the moment he is born; it’s either a positive and healthy indoctrination; or a negative one, typically where the boy is taught to be a man within the narrow framework of what so frequently defines masculinity in today’s world.  In other words, not enough input from his mother.

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Wives Who Watch or Participate

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Thinking about a husband having sex with another man is anathema to most women.  Actually seeing it is unthinkable.

For others it’s an integral part of their marriage.  Some wives are not only present, they participate.  They not only witness their husbands give and receive sexual pleasure with another man, they explore and receive sexual attention from two men at the same time.   Not that they were necessarily predisposed to intimacy with someone other than their husband, they were, however, able to contemplate being married to a bisexual man with an open mind, weigh the consequences, accept the circumstances, and then decide to be connected to this part of her husband’s nature.  For many, coupled mutually agreed upon and acceptable parameters, the experience turns out to be liberating and personally rewarding.

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These women have decided they do not want their husband’s bisexuality to divide their marriage, or be denied, or see him live out his life in quiet desperation.  They don’t want to worry about him meeting other men secretly.  Even when they have decided he should have a special friend, they don’t want him living a separate life one or two nights a week at some vague rendezvous away from home.  They have prepared themselves spiritually. morally and psychologically to be part of her husband’s relationship with another man.

For wives searching for common ground with their bisexual husbands, this scenario can seem complicated and daunting.  On many levels, depending on the wife’s long held beliefs, it is.  However, based on the accounts I have read, bringing a new dimension into the marriage can also be stimulating, rewarding, and even exciting.  Often a man and wife become closer, based on the fact that this is a newly discovered way to be part of each others soul.  A new understanding has revealed itself, a new closeness, revealed by way of compromise found in very few of today’s marriages.

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A Marriage Manifesto…Of Sorts

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A gay man experiments with language, love and law.

By Tom Ackerman

http://www.religiondispatches.org/blog/sexandgender/755/
November 17, 2008

I no longer recognize marriage. It’s a new thing I’m trying.

Turns out it’s fun.

Yesterday I called a woman’s spouse her boyfriend.

She says, correcting me, “He’s my husband,”

“Oh,” I say, “I no longer recognize marriage.”

The impact is obvious. I tried it on a man who has been in a relationship for years, “How’s your longtime companion, Jill?”
“She’s my wife!”

“Yeah, well, my beliefs don’t recognize marriage.”

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Fun. And instant, eyebrow-raising recognition. Suddenly the majority gets to feel what the minority feels. In a moment they feel what it’s like to have their relationship downgraded, and to have a much taken-for-granted right called into question because of another’s beliefs.

Just replace the words husband, wife, spouse, or fiancé with boyfriend, girlfriend, special friend, or longtime companion. There is a reason we needed stronger words for more serious relationships. We know it; now they can see it.

A marriage is a lot of things. Culturally, it’s a declaration to the community that two people are now a unit, and that unity should be respected. Legally, it’s a set of rights and responsibilities. And spiritually, it’s whatever your beliefs think it is.

That’s what’s so great about America. As a Constitutionally secular nation, or at least in reality a vaguely pluralistic nation, we can all have our own spiritual take on what marriage is. What’s troublesome is when one group’s spiritual beliefs deny the cultural and legal rights of another.

But, back to the point. They say their beliefs don’t recognize my marriage, I say my beliefs don’t recognize theirs. Simple. It may seem petty, and obviously the legal part of the cultural/legal/spiritual trilogy is flip-floppy, but it may be the cultural part that really matters.

People get married to be recognized as a permanent couple. To be acknowledged by friends, family, and strangers as being off the market, in a relationship, totally hooked up, yikes… it’s impossible to say without saying ‘married.’ We wear rings to declare this!

So, we can take this away. We can refuse to recognize marriage in the cultural sense. It is totally within our rights, as Americans, to follow our beliefs and recognize or not recognize what we like.

I guess this is a call out to all Americans with beliefs similar to mine.

If you believe that all people should have equal rights, and if you believe that marriage is one of the greatest destinations of a relationship, then perhaps you believe that nobody should have marriage until everybody does.

That’s what I believe.

What is Bisexuality?

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Wikipedia defines bisexuality as sexual behavior with emotional [and/or] physical attraction to people of both genders (male and female), or a bisexual orientation.  People who have a bisexual orientation “can experience sexual, emotional, and affectionate attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex”; “it also refers to an individual’s sense of personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them.”  It is one of the three main classifications of sexual orientation, along with a heterosexual and a homosexual orientation. Individuals who do not experience sexual attraction to either sex are known as asexual.

According to Alfred Kinsey’s research into human sexuality in the mid-20th century, many humans do not fall exclusively into heterosexual or homosexual classifications but somewhere between.  The Kinsey scale measures sexual attraction and behavior on a seven-point scale ranging from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). According to Kinsey’s study, a substantial number of people fall within the range of 1 to 5 (between heterosexual and homosexual). Although Kinsey’s methodology has been criticized, the scale is still widely used in describing the continuum of human sexuality.

bisexual1Those Reporting They are Bisexual by Political-Gender Cohort (VL=Very Liberal, L=Liberal, M=Moderate, C=Conservative, VC=Very Conservative)

Bisexuality has been observed in various human societies and elsewhere in the animal kingdom throughout recorded history. The term bisexuality, however, like the terms hetero- and homosexuality, was only coined in the 19th century.  Read the full wikipedia account here.

In my novel, Five Married Men, all five husbands fall into the middle spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual.  They love their wives unequivocally and none regret being married, though the weight of society’s mores wears mercilessly on them, along with a lifelong indoctrination as to what defines masculinity.  They love their wives but they also face an inner struggle, an identity that they have to keep suppressed, a growing urge for an intimate connection with another male.  They fear living out their lives in a painful state of hopeless denial.  When the opportunity to explore this side of their nature presents itself, they surrender.  They are unable to equate their physical affection for each other as infidelity, but they are racked with guilt over lying to their wives.

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Five Married Men explores the unsuccessful stages of denial, the process of taking the first step, the jubilation involved when two bisexual men connect, the arguments for and against guilt, and the consequences for all concerned.  The powerful emotions experienced are an integral part of this story, both from the husband’s and the wife’s perspective.  Along the way, in this case, they discover a winning solution is difficult if not impossible to find.

Of course that’s not always the case.  Many couples, though so many tragically end in divorce, find ways to compromise and even redefine the parameters of their marriage.  More often than not, the road is difficult and emotional, but love and mutual respect often prevails, if both partners can find a way to shed “conventional wisdom” and the phantoms of social/religious indoctrination.  It takes recognizing the fact, no matter how the marital parameters are redefined, that the foundation of the marriage will always be intact, that love will remain strong and will perhaps grow stronger.

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Society Views Bisexuality Differently in Males, Females

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By Meghan McNamara; The Post, Ohio University

In about seven years as a bisexual, Jody Zupancic encountered her share of misconceptions, from the assumption that she would be open to a threesome to the idea that she simultaneously could have a girlfriend and a boyfriend.

Until she began dating her girlfriend exclusively in December, Zupancic considered herself bisexual since she was 14 and remembers the way friends and family interpreted her sexuality.

“They assume that you’re confused and you’re going through a phase,” said Zupancic, an Ohio University senior studying history who now identifies as a lesbian.

Women who engage in bisexual behavior, however, frequently are viewed as the object of male sexual gratification instead of partners in a relationship, Zupancic said, adding that popular culture contributes to this misconception.

“It’s more of a social thing instead of a more sexual and emotional thing,” she said, referring to the term “barsexual,” which refers to a drunken make-out session between two straight female friends.

But when it comes to men and bisexuality, Ellyn Ruthstrom, president of the Bisexual Resource Center, finds it difficult to think of a pop culture example.

Some sexual researchers seek to prove that male bisexuality doesn’t exist while many film and television story lines involving bisexual women only skim the surface, Ruthstrom said.

“I don’t think I’ve really seen something that really delves deeply into a bisexual woman’s perspective,” she said “A lot of times those women are performing for men. I think that’s really unfortunate that that’s perceived as bisexuality.”

When it comes to men, bisexuality is often viewed as form of denial for gay feelings instead of a legitimate sexual orientation, Ruthstrom said.

Other people view bisexuality as a bridge between heterosexuality and coming out as gay or lesbian instead of an orientation, said Mickey Hart, director of OU’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Center.

“(Bisexuality) doesn’t fit neatly into you’re either this or that. The reality is that there’s a whole spectrum in between,” he said. “It’s not about having men and women at the same time. More often than not it’s about having a committed relationship with a man or a woman.”

When it comes to dating as a bisexual, Zupancic said it was sometimes difficult to find understanding for her sexual orientation.

“If I told a lesbian I was bisexual, there’s less of a chance that she would take me seriously as someone to date,” she said, adding that men seem to regard bisexual women differently.

“The men think it’s insignificant, for fun and not that the woman would actually leave the man for another woman.”

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“The Nineth Gate”

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There is a reason the curve of the human ass looks so sensually provocative, male or female, and it has much to do with a certain mysterious and well hidden erogenous zone.  More and more enlightened heterosexual males are lifting their hips for wives or girlfriends who have gotten past all the negative psychology, and have learned how to add a touch of spice and variety to the intimacy they share with their partners.  Plus growing numbers of women are discovering the potentially enormous pleasure of being penetrated from behind.  We are discovering the sexually sensitive and pleasurable nerve endings found in and around the anus.

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More women than not say they don’t enjoy it, but I suspect this is because of an inexperienced lover.  We hear the stories . . . wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am . . .  maybe these guys don’t know you can’t do that back there.  Here’s what the women who do enjoy anal sex say about it:

Gets Me Off

I enjoy anal sex to a large degree. The first time I did it was to please my boyfriend but I ended up enjoying it myself. I personally like to be held face down and have it forced on me. It’s very erotic and I really get off on it. – Debby, US

Wish I’d Known Sooner

I just had anal sex and it was the greatest feeling in my life. Yes, at first it hurt a little. However, it was well worth it. If I would have known it felt like that I would have done it years ago. – Anonymous, Vancouver, BC

Happy Bunny

Anal, I love it. It has to be my favorite sex act. We usually do it 3-4 times weekly. My preference is to finger my cunt a little and let my cum trickle down between my ass crack, and then I’m ready for some deep ass pounding. As long as it’s deep and hard, I’m a happy bunny!

Loving Bond

My husband and I have been having anal sex for about 15 years now. We both like this kinky exercise. We have the strongest orgasms then. Our naughty sex practices are a firm bond to our relationship. – BB, UK

I’d Never Do Without Anal

Anal sex is a regular part of our sex life and I would never do without it. My preference is anal sex with me in the doggy position. No matter how he’s stretched me with his fingers there’s still some resistance and I admit to loving it. Once his head is in he pauses and gives me time to adjust. The feeling is exquisite and I have to keep my hand off my clit because I could cum right then. It’s all so damn wicked and I love giving myself to him this way. I love the times he gets balls deep and slams away while I play with my clit, teasing myself, almost cumming. When I have to cum I let him know and tell him to cum up my ass. I rub my clit wildly while he slides in and out and explodes magnificently. I love anal sex! - Karen, US

Best Feeling Ever

One night while he was licking my ass he asked if he could fuck it, so I said yes. He literally ran to the bathroom and grabbed the lube. After a few minutes of massaging my asshole he lubed up and slowly pushed it inside and it was one of the best sexual feelings I’ve ever experienced. I could tell he liked it even though he won’t admit it, and when we do have anal sex now he makes it seem like it’s just for me but he is never as hard as he is when we have anal sex and he never makes the noises he makes with anal any other time either. We both secretly know that he loves it whether he’ll admit it or not. – Anonymous, US

Comments from: www.analsexyes.com

Of course it’s been part of gay and bisexual men’s lives for countless centuries …

Depiction of Hadrian and Antinous

Depiction of Hadrian and Antinous

…though not all gay and bi men are into it.  They are as put-off by anal sex as many are in the general population.  They prefer oral, mutual masturbation or sex without penetration, also known as frottage.  These are the guys who, as much as they enjoy m2m sex, believe penetration emasculates males.

But anal intercourse is only part of the picture.  By pushing your thumbs inside the gluteal cleft and parting the cheeks, you have the visual affect of seeing the most intimate part of your lover’s body, not to mention unleashing some powerful pheromones that will enter your nostrils and set you sailing, provided your lover hasn’t just washed them all away in the shower, not that I suggest lovers come to bed dirty.  But even when we’re clean, we sweat down there, which creates a powerful and inviting perfume, not lost on the human mind and body when in the throes of escalating sexual excitement.

This kind of intimacy presents an opportunity to bond with someone, to become as intimately close as two human beings can, to use your fingers and tongue, to send sensations through your lover that pushes him or her over the edge.  Just let go, include this ultimate foreplay in your love-making, leave the land of narrow minded social parameters and enter a world of human sensual adventure. Continue reading →

Male Bisexuality

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Early recognition.

Excluding both extremes of the spectrum (men who are exclusively gay or exclusively heterosexual) most men fit in the broad middle which can be defined by one of several levels of sexuality.  Early in life most of these men become in touch with their attraction to females; they find the opposite sex enchanting, alluring, exciting and sexually desirable.  They want to spend time with them, have a girlfriend, and they eventually recognize a compelling desire to get married.  It’s simply a matter of crossing paths with the girl he’s attracted to, the one he’s in sync with philosophically, and the one that finds him equally attractive.

Within this broad middle, he may simply enjoy an extraordinary kinship  with another male, or he realizes he feels a  physical attraction to those of his own sex.  The attraction may be compelling, or it may be fleeting and vague, which can be easily ignored though reoccurring given certain circumstances (the sight of a pair of extraordinarily well-fitting jeans).  For the guy at this end of the spectrum, once he finds himself involved in getting his adult life started, he may come to believe these feelings have disappeared entirely, only to discover they haven’t at some point down life’s long road.  It’s like the phantom inside him has gone into hibernation, though certain to reawaken one day.  Near the other end of the spectrum, a young man will most likely be receptive to some kind of physical experience with another male, or he may even pursue m2m sex.  The broad middle ranges from simple male bonding, to irresistible curiosity, to a recognized desire to explore something sexual.

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Almost always a secretive characteristic, sexually developing teenage boys often experience an attraction to other males   It’s not uncommon for boys to masturbate together or masturbate each other, or to explore each others body.  At some point, for most boys, the weight of what he’s been taught about being a man intervenes and he learns to bury these natural desires.  He moves on, shifts his focus over the years to life’s other circumstances: marriage, children, career.  The innocence curiosity of his youth is buried under layers of responsibility. Continue reading →

Sex-ting

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My God!  So it’s come down to even this.  We Americans are so uptight about nudity, we are willing to criminalize our children.  How did this kind of thinking ever survive the Sixties?

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No one in their right mind would condone child abuse committed by an adult … they are child abusers plain and simple; they need to be locked up.  But this issue is entirely different.  It’s like comparing a common cold with cancer.  A thirteen year old girl sends her friend a nude picture of herself: she’s not a wayward young girl–she’s a purveyor of child pornography.  A seventeen year old boy has sex with his fifteen year old girlfriend: he’s not a misguided kid in love–he’s a child abuser and so labeled for the rest of his life.

So this modern day phenomena called sex-ting has gotten the self-righteous moralists in our society up in arms.  Once again, the sky is falling, never mind the natural curiosities in all normal children.  Instead of teaching them self-respect, that the human body is a beautiful thing, not something young people should be e-mailing to their friends, but something to be shared with someone special when they grow up … instead they’re being kicked out of school, arrested, labeled as sex offenders,  their lives ruined and their self-body images contaminated.  Is this what we want going on in our society?

Why not try some good parenting, preserve their innocence, and help them understand self-respect?

America’s Trouble with Body Acceptance

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Article by: MARC PASCAL, The Moderate Voice

Perhaps living and studying in Europe on a number of occasions changed my perspective, but I cannot understand the silly outrage that many Americans show when some female displays her nipples, or other parts of her anatomy that are supposed to be off-limits.  Contrarily the displays of male genitalia and buttocks are more often treated as comic relief.  Public or private nudity does not pose a threat to American values and morality.

Too many Americans have an unhealthy and uncomfortable attitude towards the human body, the opposite sex, and sexuality in general.  This attitude also extends to the female nipple which is objectively essential for breast-feeding babies. Perhaps this unhealthy obsession with occasional nudity, and then endlessly discussing it and looking at photos on the internet, might reflect a lack of a healthy occupation with sex.

This blog is not a discussion about the many variations of human sexuality but just the simple inability to look at the human body as something natural and that human sexual intercourse in its many forms are a normal part of our humanity. Perhaps some fault lies with most of the world’s religions and some of their extreme American expressions (i.e. Puritanism) for such a social, emotional and intellectual mess.  Too many people were taught the strange view that things of the body are completely separate from things of the spirit, and anything enjoyable is probably ungodly and sinful.

We have for too long in the U.S. been taught and we still teach our children through our words and actions that human sexuality is somehow dirty and cannot be discussed openly in public, except by innuendo.  Thus we only encourage more confusion, exploration, and some excessive behavior because we cannot take sex out of the “prurient interest” closet.  Children need to appreciate their bodies and learn to fully respect those of other people.  They need to know the correct medical terminology for all the parts of the human anatomy and how to safely engage in sex while understanding the consequences. Then we can dump all our stupid euphemisms and warped attitudes into the garbage heap of history.

In Europe with its far more casual attitude towards human sexuality and public nudity, pregnancy among unwed teenagers and sexually transmitted diseases are just a small fraction of what they are in the U.S. We are certainly doing something wrong with respect to sex education, particularly if we want to eliminate the need for abortion and the long-term public costs of unmarried teenagers raising children. Continue reading →