Men:
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When you think about it, you realize the male body could have had a much more practical design. All the drama could have been eliminated. The testicles for example: they could just as easily been on the inside instead of hanging down between our legs. Certainly men would have been far less vulnerable. Why add a body part that so many say makes a man look indecent when he’s naked.

Pubic hair isn’t necessary either. It certainly doesn’t help keep you warm and it doesn’t assist reproduction (though many believe that two hairy pubic mounds grinding together makes for some rather pleasant sensations). So why do we have it calling attention to that part of the body, adding to the concept of indecency, collecting pheromones and such, sometimes even getting stuck between our teeth. Plus, without it, you wouldn’t have to shave to get that smooth look … you would have been born with it.

The penis itself could have been designed with far less character. Why all the different sizes, shapes and colors? Why is it always protruding from our body, just hanging there as if it has nothing better to do? Why all that loose skin that slides up and down; why the walnut-shaped glans on the end, or the veiny skin, or the foreskin so many of us have to suffer being trimmed off? It could have been designed to retract into our body, only to appear in perhaps a plain pencil-like state when it’s time to procreate. Fish have something like this. And there would be many advantages: we wouldn’t look naughty when we’re naked, it wouldn’t be creating unsightly bulges in our jeans, we wouldn’t be thinking about it all the time, teenagers would never get caught playing with themselves.

Even the anus doesn’t have to be so dramatic, hidden as it is within those fleshy globes, always damp and dewy, igniting the lurid imaginations of so many adventurous lovers. It could have been nothing more than a nondescript orifice barely perceptible to the casual observer, sans the pucker, the creases, the surrounding darker colors, the endless variety of hair patterns, and even that characteristic smell. In it’s current representation, you never quite know what to expect when your thumbs pry open those fleshy cheeks.

And consider the brain, our largest sex organ. It could have been programmed differently. Had it been, it would never occur to any of us that nudity is indecent. We wouldn’t be thinking about sex nineteen times a day. No masturbation or long nights of sweaty passion. No inferiority complexes over penis size. No wondering what someone looks like naked (you wouldn’t care). You would’ve never heard of oral sex, nor would it occur to you to stick your finger in or lick someones anus. There would be no such thing as a porn industry, or a suggestive swimsuit, or a condom. When a man and a woman decided to have a baby, he would simply press against her, his pencil-like penis would protract, then enter her and immediately deposit the required amount of semen. No extraordinary sensations, no holding each other late into the night, no earthy body smells or bed sheets to change in the morning. In thinking about it, I believe I have created a new fantasy for the Religious Right.

Women:

Women could have the same practical design. All the compelling nuances would be gone, the dramatic curves (which are now obviously part of her sexual allure), the divided plump folds between her legs, currently unique as snowflakes in their colorful variety of shapes and configurations, the enticing inner lips that can swell so delightfully with passion, the mysterious creases and crevices that are so engaging to explore, the mysteries we know she’s hiding when she crosses her legs. Instead she would have a barely perceptible aperture somewhere below her navel, just large enough to receive one of those pencil-like penises when she decides to get pregnant, yet quite capable of yawing open when it’s time to get a baby out. We could dispense with those feminine fragrances that steep between her legs and zing through every fiber in our bodies like a mind-altering drug.

Forget the breasts. The functioning glands would be inside her chest. Her nipples would be no puffier, larger, or sensitive than a man’s. Other than the muscular structure, just as it would be between our legs, there would be no difference between the male and female chest. At the beach everyone would be topless, and women would save a small fortune on swimsuits. The nipples would, however, swell just a bit when it comes time to accommodate a baby’s hungry lips. I guess she would have to cover them then.

Her anus, much like a man’s as it already is, would still be like a man’s, sans character. Nothing tempting about it. No drama, no potential for naughty sex. No tempted fingers or tongues, no squeals of delight, no secrets that lovers keep. Compliments of Mother Nature’s lack of inventiveness, it would be a Utopian world where humanity no longer had anything to feel modest or confused about, or ashamed of unless they’ve been eating too many Twinkies and French fries.

It all makes you think, doesn’t it. We aren’t born with a practical design. There is a compelling purpose, a purpose beyond procreation and misguided mores that so many of us have failed to recognize. I’m glad we are the way we are. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?

©Martin Brant, April 24, 2012

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