Male Bisexuality & Marriage

Married vs. Single

The central theme of this blog is male sexuality, men who are attracted to men.  This particular discussion concerns bisexuality, which ranges from curiosity to a near obsession for an intimate experience with another man.  For a single guy, bisexuality can be nature’s gift, aside from all he has to contend with concerning society’s established moral codes, religious dogmas and political agendas.  Though he usually feels it best to be secretive, he shares intimacy with another man without feeling guilty about lying to a wife or a girlfriend.  Conversely, the married bisexual man, and his wife, have real dilemma.

Effect on the Wife

Many husbands, when they tell their wives or she finds out some other way, feel like the focus is all about them: their feelings, their emotions, their needs, their right to be who they are without consequence.  But, when he decides to make his confession, it’s not all about him.  He’s not the one whose life has changed, other than the fact he suddenly has a wife most likely in turmoil.  He dropped the bombshell.  It’s her life that has changed; in fact she feels her life has been turned upside down; not to mention she has to deal with this revelation with a woman’s emotions, which are most often overwhelmingly complex and heart-rending.

First the shock: She’s been married to a man these many years and never knew who he was.  She feels betrayed.  He’s kept secrets from me all this time.  He should have told me before we got married.  She feels threatened: He’s not attracted to me.  He will leave me for a man.  She’s flooded with doubts: What’s he really doing when he works late two nights a week? Has he been sleeping with a man? She’s wary of what other people will think, how it will affect them, will they be able to keep their friends.  If he’s been  intimate with a man, she fears he may have exposed himself to STDs, and therefore has also exposed her.  All of a sudden, nothing about her life is the same.  The future is uncertain.

The husband should know this is a critical time if he cares about the future of his marriage.  It’s important to focus entirely on her, to be sensitive to her emotions, to listen and allow her to get past the initial shock.  (And trust me, no matter how well you know your wife, her perspective may be unpredictable.)  What she needs more than anything is reassurance.  This news was unexpected and will hit her hard; she doesn’t know what to expect next.  She’s likely to think you are warming up to tell her that you’re leaving her for a man.  Set your own emotions aside and assure her of your love and devotion, and that you want nothing more than to see your marriage endure. She needs time to settle into the fact her husband is bisexual.

YOU'RE A MARRIED BISEXUAL MAN & YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE. (check 1 or 2, then one more)

View Results

No Two Wives are the Same

Yet, if the marriage is fundamentally sound, she will cling to her love and almost immediately begin the struggle to adapt to her new circumstances, though her husband typically sees nothing but confusion and anger.  But, since women come from many different backgrounds with different perspectives, there are exceptions.  Some women will have a far more positive point of view.  Her husband’s bisexuality may even endear her more; his sexuality becomes something to share, even something to participate in.

As an author who has written a novel about bisexual husbands and the way it affects their wives, I receive e-mails form women who are dealing with this dilemma.  Without condoning or reviling the wife who shares her husband’s bisexual experiences, I would like to explore her position.  Call her liberal, or open-minded, or un-Christian; I don’t think we can realistically call her misguided.

She has identified a unique characteristic in her marriage as something positive, for her as well as her husband, something that can privately enhance their sex life in an unconventional way.  She’s sharing everything with her husband, not simply accepting who he is.  She’s not wondering what he’s up to because she’s there with him.  Though intimacy alone with her husband remains rewarding and binding, she has the ability to equate sex, under certain circumstances, to receiving or giving a massage.  After all, based on how the human body and mind responds to sex, it is part of our nature and our natural curiosity, and doesn’t necessarily have to be constrained because of a marriage … as long as it’s shared.

All of the psychological ramifications are in order and understood.  There may be another man involved, perhaps the husband’s long term friend, or there may be another couple.  Parameters are discussed and agreed on.  Rendezvous are arranged.  Man and wife share their bodies and their natural desires with another man or another couple.

However, the majority of women are guided by the mores of their upbringing or their religious convictions.  They will never condone or participate in anything sexual outside of their marriage.  More than a few have had his bags packed and sitting on the curb by the time he gets home from work the next day. (I believe, if the wife takes this position, there was almost always a fundamental flaw in her marriage, and that it was probably doomed with or without his bisexuality.)


View Results

Understanding Male Bisexuality

The difference from one man to the next is as broad as there are men in this world.  Their needs and desires vary.  The degree of their attraction varies.  The kinds of physical intimacy they desire varies.  More specifically, some men want only the briefest encounter with another male, while others would like to have a full-blown, long term emotional and physical relationship that can be described as love.  The Kinsey Scale, decried by a few sexologists as too simplistic, is what I believe to be a good way to understand a husband’s sexuality.  There are seven defined levels, within which, by most estimations, relatively few men are either exclusively heterosexual or homosexual.  I personally have defined myself at around level two.

0  Exclusively heterosexual
1  Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2  Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3  Equally heterosexual and homosexual; bisexual.
4  Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5  Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6  Exclusively homosexual

It’s helpful if a wife knows where her husband is at on the scale.  In order to accomplish this, in order for him to feel free to talk openly and honestly, he must feel comfortable talking with his wife on this subject.  If she goes into a rant, or gets depressed, or uses his words against him in the next day’s debate, he will either keep silent or attempt to tell her what she wants to hear.

The Road to Resolution

Beyond the initial stages of surprise, anger, frustration, doubt and contempt; beyond her undeniable right to express all of these emotions: beyond punching him on the jaw, the wife must eventually challenge herself to be neutral and understanding.  Of course, she must allot time to her own emotions, and she has a perfect right to ask questions and express her feelings, but if she continues to be confrontational or accusatory, the result will most likely be a stalemate.  She should allot time to listen, to try to place herself in his shoes, to open her mind to nature’s way of doing things.  He did not choose to be bisexual, nor want all the consequences.

To him, his desire for a man is natural, something he was born with, something, otherwise, that is beautiful.  Given a different social environment, he believes all men would have an intimate buddy, a relationship that society at large and his wife and family would not only accept, but celebrate.  Consider the era before birth control, when the wives were tired of having babies, which prompted many of the straight husbands to take long hikes together in the woods.  Though we’re not talking about sex denied by a man’s wife, for a bisexual male it comes natural.  Basically, he would like to share this aspect of his persona with his wife, if in no other way than to be able to talk to her openly and have her understanding.  He really is the same man she married–she just knows something about him that she didn’t know before.  Odds are, the characteristics that make him bisexual are related to other characteristics she loves in him.

So why didn’t he say something before we got married? Because he loved you madly.  He feared you wouldn’t marry him if you knew.  He didn’t understand human nature as well as he could have, and believed this part of him would wither away.  He might not have even thought about it, considering all he could think about was you.

Then why bring it up after we’ve been married twenty years? Even if the wife knew early on, the issue often fades away, then resurfaces years later.  When we’re young and falling in love, nothing else matters; there’s no room in our minds to think about much else.  Then we have to start our careers, which can consume a big portion of our energy.  Then the kids come along and a whole new set of priorities develop.  We’re simply to preoccupied with life’s other factors to dwell on what might be missing in our lives,  all the while the phantom is breathing, waiting, eventually becoming restless.  The kids are grown and no longer dependent.  The careers have been established and are no longer as consuming as they once were.  The man is comfortable in his marriages and has no real notion that that can ever change.  All of a sudden our lives are redefined.

Odd as it may seem, most men believe their bisexuality is totally compatible with their marriage.  He loves his wife no less than before she knew.  He has no desire to leave his marriage and certainly doesn’t want to lose the one he loves; unless he is 100% gay and compelled to move on to a gay lifestyle, which will probably come as no real surprise to his wife.  Then again, given the nourishing benefits of a woman’s love, even some completely gay men do not want to leave their marriage.  So he’s the same guy the wife has loved all this time, she just knows him better.  The more difficult point-of-contention is whether or not he’s been involved in a physical relationship with another man.

If he has, this is a different subject.  This is more than him revealing his true sexuality, this is a sad form of deceit.  The wife has to decide to either lump his transgression into the overall picture, or deal with it as a separate issue, one of lying and simple infidelity.  It complicates the issue and makes the challenges harder to overcome.  Will I ever be able to trust him again?

The fact remains he’s bisexual.  It can’t be cured and his sexuality will never change.  Before the marriage can begin to move on, the wife must eventually stake out her position and establish the parameters of her tolerance.  What will she accept and what will she not?  Will she allow her husband to keep his close friend (even if it’s nonsexual)?  Can he still go out with the boys?  Can he join a male social group (even if it’s a bunch of guys who get naked together in the hot tub)?  Will he be allowed to have a boyfriend (maybe, but she doen’t want to hear anything about it)?  Will she decide to jump in and share his left-field sexual experiences?  Will she want anyone else outside the marriage to know about his bisexuality?

These questions must be decided, and agreed upon by the husband in order for the marriage to move forward.  A single issue undecided, a single question mark, will only make the road ahead longer.  Longer but not impassable.  Marriages free of serious defects, free of personality clashes and separate agendas, have a remarkable resilience; they are a wonderful and fertile garden in which love can flourish.  A husband’s bisexuality is a life-changing matter that rewrites the rules, but it can rewrite them in a mutually acceptable way.  There’s every reason to believe, past the initial stages of anger and anxiety, the marriage can grow stronger.

There Are Many of Us in the Same Boat.

This issue touches my heart.  I believe it affects far more marriages than any of us will ever know, including the husbands who have remained silent.  I believe, inherent in most men, is a natural affinity for other men, whether it’s a desire to be physically close in the field of athletics, or a desire for the bonding and camaraderie of a poker game, or a desire for some level of physical intimacy.  These things are related.

In my novel, Five Married Men, though it’s written to entertain and contains the dramas of a storyline, it is essentially about the emotional aspects suffered by bisexual husbands and the wives of these men.  Fictional, yes, but people read it for a better understanding of themselves or their spouse’s perspective.  For those who can’t have a bisexually book lying around the house, I have published the complete edition on my website at  If you prefer the feel of a book in your hands, it’s available at in paperback and on Kindle.  There are direct links on the front page of my website.

Please feel free to comment.  You’re experiences or your perspective will benefit those who are reaching out and trying to understand.

Pin It

66 thoughts on “Male Bisexuality & Marriage

  1. Married 38 years. One night about 15 years ago I was in bed reading while my wife was downstairs busy. As sometimes happened, I got an erection for no apparent reason and after a few minutes was finding it harder to concentrate on the book than the erection. (There’s a surprise.)

    After finishing concentrating on the erection, I found myself thinking about what an ideal woman would be like sexually. Well, she would have sex lurking around in her head pretty much all the time, or at least it wouldn’t take much to get her thinking about it. She would love and enjoy her own feelings of sexuality, would be easy to arouse, would enjoy sex by herself as well as with a man, could be just purely carnal, as in in it just for the pleasure of it, as well as romantic. She didn’t necessarily have to go through a lot of foreplay to have an orgasm and orgasms would be very dependably available. Etc. That’s when I realized that what I was describing was most men.

    For me that’s what makes sex with a man an attraction. I’m not looking for love or romance or a “relationship”—just a good erotic experience. It’s arousing and wonderfully erotic to know the person you are about to have sex with has the same thing in mind. For me it’s really satisfying to know that I can really excite a man and make him want more and, in the end, be pleased and satisfied.

    So far, I’ve had a half dozen experiences with men over the years. It isn’t being “unfaithful” that concerns me however, it’s sneaking around to have sex with a man and lying to my wife that are such a turn off. I’ve always set it up so that no lies are involved, but being sneaky and secretive still leave me feeling dishonest and displeased with myself. I also suspect the dishonest part would bother her a lot more than the sex itself.

    At age 70, my wife and I have sex far less often than we ever did before. That’s more a change in her than me, for the most part. That voice in my pants no longer screams out for relief or else it will expire from unabated lust (which is something I really miss) the way it used to. It’s more diffuse now. I just think about it and want it most of the time. Not a lot has changed in that respect. Irony always rules.

    I put this out there not looking for an solution to a problem, but just to tell my story. That’s one of the appeals of this site.

    • Rob, I think a lot of men identify with you. Guilt is the phantom the husbands contend with in my novel “Five Married Men.” I guess we humans are complex creatures that are presented with unexplainable dilemmas. Thanks for the comment.

  2. I agree that there are good points, but there are some that are narrow minded, and yes, slightly offensive. Obviously, some bisexual men have absolutely no interest in dating outside their monogamous marriages…whether they are married to men or women. Referring to ones sexuality as a “Restless Waiting Phantom” is a bit dark and foreboding. My sexuality is not some “dark side terror waiting to break free of its restraints”. ***smdh*** Also, I would say a bisexual man who “risks” everything to disclose to his wife has pro’ly gone through a lot to get to that point. I wouldn’t compare what he is going through with what his wife might go through. It can be a destabilizing revelation for BOTH parties. Expecting a man, who has been incapable of acknowledging his sexuality, fearful of losing his family, and finally becoming willing to take that risk, to disregard his own feelings and focus on his wife…while a nobel idea, is pro’ly highly unrealistic. They likely will need professional help, if they have that “fundamental flaw” he mentions. Further, the subtle criticisms of women who participate with their husbands in swinging, polyamory, or other forms of non monogamous sex, is hurtful and shaming of consenting adults. Suggesting that they can not be Christian is beyond the pale. Studies show that the majority of swingers are actually conservative, and very religious, types. Not that thats problematic….just that its been proven as a fact. Liberals would make up the majority of polyamorous people, and the difference between the two is the level of secrecy. Both have social stigma, but polyamorous folk are all about love, while swingers are all about recreational sex. Poly folk are much more likely to eventually come out, while swingers seldom do. Either way, to make a imply that either group of people can NOT be religiously oriented is bs.

    • Good point my friend. Of course the vast majority of bisexual men are loving, monogamous guys. They are no more inclined to betray their partners than a straight guy would betray his wife with another woman. And I agree, polyamorous people and swingers can belong to any segment of our society; their lifestyles are simply a matter of personal choice.

      However, some men, grappling with same sex attractions, especially if they have over active libidos, do have a battle with their sexual phantoms. And other bisexual men live with a feeling that something is missing from their lives, no matter how much they happen to love their wives. They often see having an intimate friend is not betrayal, but a natural part of being a human male.

      • “However, some men, grappling with same sex attractions, especially if they have over active libidos, do have a battle with their sexual phantoms. And other bisexual men live with a feeling that something is missing from their lives, no matter how much they happen to love their wives. ”

        This is very true, Martin. The problem is that your “phantom” statement doesn’t make the point that “some men” struggle, and others DO NOT. Instead, it seems to characterize our sexuality as some dark force we hold in restraint until we either “give it freedom” and step into heathenhood (non-Chrisitianity), liberalism, or the examples of non-monogamous options you gave.

        Indeed, many men “demonize” their sexuality, rather than accept it…but, I would suggest that is about their socially influenced cognitive dissonance, rather than a “phantom” sexual nature of which the only peace that can be made is to exile oneself from monogamy, Christiandom, conservatism, or respectability…which some of your text seems to imply….though I get, perhaps it is not your intention.

  3. Oh wow, this was a very interesting article. I agree with some of the points, but found others slightly offensive.

    If I could say one thing it would be this: Bi guys should come out before they are married. Seriously. They should come out when they start dating someone. I know this is hard, and there are reasons why some people don’t feel comfortable doing it, but its the right thing to do. Lots of things in life are hard, and you still have to do them; this is one of them.

    My boyfriend is bi, and I’ve known since the beginning of our relationship. His honesty has worked out really well. I’m completely okay with his sexuality. However, if he had kept it a secret, I can’t say I would have been as accepting- and if I found out he had been secretly messing around with guys as well, I would have been nothing short of totally pissed off.

    So guys, save yourselves the agony. Come out, come out wherever you are.

    • Hi Sydney. The problem is that many men do not realize their bisexual nature until later in life, I.e., after they may have gotten married. It wasn’t that way for me as my initial relationships were same sex and I told my wife about them before we were married. That’s an interesting blog you have; I wouldn’t over analyze your bi bf though. For the most part, we’re like all other guys. (Btw, I get a “Boyzilian” every 4 weeks.)

      • ^_^ thanks for checking it out. Truthfully the reason I started writing about my relationship was to show exaxtly what you point out- that ultimately my bi boyfriend is just like any other guy.

        When we started dating, I was a little worried, and of course I turned to the internet. I hope that if any other girl freaks out about dating a bi guy, maybe she’ll find my blog and see that its really pretty much the same as dating a straight guy.

        • Your writing is excellent. It almost sounds like it could be a book or magazine piece. I can understand that you were initially worried; I think the surveys show that most women would immediately drop an acknowledged bi man—which is so funny since surveys of the opposite sex show that most hetero guys would prize a bi woman for a gf, lol.

    • I think all men are Bi -Sexual at some level. Guys desire the bonding and sometimes it’s physical. I think intimate pleasure is a great way of achieving these bonds. I personally don’t believe anal sex is natural but pleasuring a man sexually is. If wives understood male sexuality they would be more accepting of this practice.

      • I think your correct in saying that all of us have a bi side even if it’s just a second in a dream or seeing a guy at the beach you look at a second to long, I have been bi curious most of my adult life and know if I met the right guy I would love to give it a try, but living in small town USA I don’t see that happening. I love to watch bi or tranny porn as I release, but know their is no way I could explaining my feeling to my wife of 25 years, she loves to watch porn and I think she gets wet if there is a girl on girl seen but gets turned off if it’s two guys. We have gay and bi neices and a gay nephew that she excepts and loves but if I came out I truely believe it would lead to divorce.

  4. I need some input here. My husband came out to me as a bisexual a couple of years ago even though he has never been with a man. I am fine with this, we both agree that going outside the marriage is wrong and neither of us will seek a sexual relationship with anyone male or female. We agreed that his “outlet” would be bisexual porn. Well since this agreement I did catch him sending and receiving naked pictures of himself and other men. He was also talking in a very sexual nature with them. I told him I was not comfortable with this at all and he needed to stop. He agreed, but since then he watches gay porn almost everyday, when he is by himself. Our sex life has dropped off to 2-3 times a month. I have told him that this gay porn is starting to affect me and make me feel like he doesn’t want to be with me sexually, he says he loves me and it’s no big deal. Well it is a big deal to me and our sex life is suffering. Not only has the frequency dropped of , but half the time he doesn’t reach climax. I am starting to feel like he is gay and not bisexual, even though he swears this is not the case. I don’t know what to do at this point. I love him, but he is hurting me. Advice?

    • I feel your husband is gay. If his sex life with you had the same intensity as it used to and if he weren’t constantly viewing gay porn I would say he was bisexual, but his behavior is definitely gay in nature. What you two have to decide is (1) Do we stay together in our heterosexual union and (2) Should I allow him to be with another man periodically? Good luck in whatever you two decide.

    • I think that you should suggest that you both get couples counseling with a sex therapist. He may simply have a porn /masturbation addiction. It could be that is what is interfering with him having a healthy sex life with you, but it could be that he is gay. If he hasn’t been with another man it is hard to say that he is gay based on this behavior alone. Mixed orientation marriages can work but it takes a lot more communication than appears to be going on with you guys. It was very good of you to offer him the outlet of porn fantasies, but it sounds like you guys need some therapy to try and get things back on track.

    • I had some further thoughts: you say that when you and your husband have sex that half the time he doesn’t climax. But I suppose that statement indicates the he does get erect with you and does penetrate you, and that half the time he does climax. To me, as a long time married bi man who knows many gay men too, this doesn’t sound like a gay man. It’s more consistent with a possible porn/masturbation addiction. But see a counsellor who specializes in sexual therapy.

      • We have been married 18 years and have two kids. Any decision I make will not be made lightly. I do know I love him and I want him to be happy even if that means we are no longer married, although I would be heartbroken. There will be no exceptions to the seeing someone on the side. If he wants to be married to me then that means a monogamous relationship. Ive asked him to go to counseling, but he is not overly thrilled by the idea but I have been looking for a therapist with flexible hours so we can both be there. I too have been considering the porn/maturbation addiction. But why always gay porn? Never female to male porn.

        • The fact that your husband isn’t thrilled about counseling is not a good sign. My supposition about him being gay is solidified by that statement. How terrible it must feel after 18 years to realize a person you thought was a wonderful husband has been nothing but a fabrication.. Quite frankly, I do not see your marriage lasting much longer since he does not seem to want to seek help in making it work.

          • He’s still a wonderful husband., we are best friends. Weather we stay married or not we are still best friends. I don’t feel our relationship is a fabrication, I know there is love between us. He has things to work on and I hope that he changes his mind about counseling one day. For now I’m still just trying to get him to open up more, so we can figure this out.

            • Chinadoll, it seems you have the right perspective and attitude on this. No man could ask for more in a wife. If you are approaching him rationally, as a man that has given you his marriage vows, he owes you the explanations you need to hear.

            • I’m loving this topic. I have gone through a similar scenario as you and your husband Chinadoll. The difference is that I was sneaking out for casual male encounters.
              In our case my wife discovered I was “bi” after about 10 years of marriage. The initial shock, hurt, anger on her part was completely understandable but it did open the door wide for discussion.
              I recall saying to her that, at any time, she felt she could not live with the situation any longer that I would understand and we approach any next steps sensibly and well planned.
              Our intimacy didn’t suffer, I found I could get equally aroused with her as with a man, however, as time progressed I found that my feelings were leaning more towards gay lifestyle.
              In one of our discussions I told my wife how I was feeling. She appreciated the candor and we decided that it probably best for us to separate and move on. It wasn’t without emotion and plenty of tears on both parts.
              We carefully planned the next steps and within a year I had moved out.
              That was over 7 years ago and today we are best friends and still enjoy family and holiday celebrations together.
              I realize this is being written over a year later, but I hope all has gone well for you both since then.

        • I dont think it means much that he primarily likes to watch gay porn. Lots of straight people (m and f) like gay porn. In the male, it satisfies a need for variety. Again, based on what you have described, I still think it may be a porn/masturbation addiction especially since you seem sure that he has never slept with another man. The fact that he isn’t wild about going to counseling sounds like he’s just a regular guy, lol, as guys generally don’t like counseling period. He’s told you that he bisexual; the good part is that although he is saying he does have attractions to men, it also means that he is still attracted to women too, and the proof of that is that he’s still having sex with you. Since you say that you can continue to be married to a bisexual monogamous man, the question for the therapist is to find out why your sex life together isn’t as good as it once was from your perspective. It was nice of you to allow him to watch gay porn as an outlet, but the therapist might say there needs to be some limits on that as it appears that his passion for that is now interfering with your need for a healthy and happy sexual relationship with your husband.

    • Dear Chinadoll, I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I’m a bisexual male and know exactly how your husband feels. I came out to my fiance early on in our relationship. We discussed it frequently and she was actually more than turned on by it. Although it never happened, she agreed to let me enjoy another man relationship on the side. What did happen on the other hand, she joined me in some bi action quite often. It made us feel more connected and alive. It brought our personal sex life from once or twice a week to once or twice a day. If I had the relationship on the side, I would have felt like I was cheating on her. Doing it together was the complete opposite. You’re husband, in my opinion, is not gay. He’s doing like I did, releasing pent up frustration in it’s most extreme form; full on gay porn. My advice is to join him in his bisexuality instead of trying to stifle it. He can’t set aside the urges of being with another man no more than he can set you aside. It’s probably tearing him apart inside. I hope I’ve been some help to you.:)

      • Could someone please explain this urge to me? How is it different from me being actracted to men? I don’t understand why this “urge” that he has needs to get any special consideration when I am just as attracted to men and I don’t act on my urges or release any frustration through porn, no matter how long we go without having sex (on his part not mine) and I have a huge sex drive. Bringing another into our bedroom is out of the question again his decision not mine.

        • I can’t explain the urge to you. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t attracted to both sexes. If you’ve offered to include another man in the bedroom to help relieve your husbands frustration and he refused then the problem will always be there. My girlfriend and I both have huge sex drives and we took care of each other at least once a day. As much as I hate to say it, sex is a major part of the marriage. If my lady refused to have sex with me and was obsessed with lesbian porn I would help her pack. It’s not fair to you to have to go without because your husband would rather watch gay porn. If he would agree to include a man in your bedroom activities, I believe wholeheartedly that sexual enjoyment and satisfaction would no longer be an issue for either of you. If I were you, I would refuse to put up with it anymore. I don’t want to suggest that you leave him but you should at least make an ultimatum. It brakes my heart to hear what you’re having to deal with and I wish I could be of some real help.

  5. I have known my wife for 20 years, married for 16. I have been secretly bi all of my life, but apart from an encounter with my boarding school roommate in high school, I never acted on it until a few years after we were married. I have only revealed my desires to therapists. I now find myself avoiding having sex with my wife to save my libido to fulfill my bisexual fantasies. We rarely have sex, maybe 2-3 times a year, much to her dismay. I feel so trapped, confused, depressed, andn scared of what the outcome will be. I have had many encounters with other men at porn theaters and hotels, all of them mutual masturbation, with some oral (with condom). Lately these I encounters have been increasing, multiple times a week sometimes. She has accused me of being gay. I’m not, because I am totally attracted to women, esp. emotionally. But I CRAVE having sex with another man, and want to be made love to in the worst way. It consumes me to the point where it is hard to do my job. I recently thought I had HIV from another guy going down on me (unprotected), but I tested negatively. I had to sneak around to get tested and my wife saw the statement from the heath clinic and wrote “What’s this?” on it amd put it with my mail. She has not brought it up but it is out there and I amy need to confront her some day. The prospaect of having HIV FREAKED me out. I was a mess with the thought of what revealing my situation would mean to my life. So even though I am releaved at my health status, I can’t deny my desires and have already been making arrangments with a guy online to get together. I think I am a sex addict, I think about it so much. To complicate things, I also crave cross dressing. It’s like a drug to me. I go to great lengths to fulfill this fantasy and it puts me over the top. Ugh. I feel so weak and out of control. I am not that kind of person (deceitful) I tell myself, and yet I do it every day, and it makes me feel like shit. Every day. God help me. Please.

    I almost wish I could say I was gay, then it would be a clean break. But I’m not, so I am stuck in the middle.

    Thanks, I appreciate this forum and all of your understanding (and I understand if you don’t. It ain’t easy.)

  6. An interesting twist to all of this is the concept of bromance, roughly defined as shared nonsexual love between two heterosexual males. Full disclosure: I am heterosexual and I have been happily married for 36 years. There is a fine line between bisexuality and bromance. There are three men in my life whom I consider bromances. I have had sex with none of them. They are all heterosexual and married. Michael lives about 3000 miles away so I do not see him. In fact we haven’t seen each other since the mid 1970’s when he moved away. We talk often by phone and our passion for each other is definitely there. When we first met we went out to dinner. On the way back to pick up my car we started sharing stories about our girlfriends. His romance was not going well and he became very upset about it. I suggested rather than have a traffic accident, he pull over his car and we could talk. Even though we didn’t know each other very well, I felt great empathy for him. At one point I took his hand in mine while he talked. He did not seem uncomfortable with this act of support. Soon I draped my arm around his shoulder. As he finished speaking I promised him that no matter what happened I would be there for him and that I loved him. He told me he loved me. We leaned in and kissed on the lips. Again neither one of us felt strange doing it. From that night forward Michael and I always greeted and departed with a full body hug and a kiss on the lips (assuming we were alone. We weren’t sure how others would interpret our act). The only time we kissed sexually was at my wedding reception (How appropriate!) and we were alone when it happened. I think too much alcohol may have given us the courage. In about 3 years Michael will celebrate a significant birthday and he’s asked me and my wife to come out to see him and his wife on the occasion. I just wonder what will happen as the result of our pent up love should we make the trip. Both of our wives know how we feel about each other and both are fine with it.
    A second bromance lives about an hour’s drive from me. We don’t see each other very often, although again, we talk frequently on the phone. Bruce and I were always reserved about our feelings for each other. Contact was the traditional manly handshake. E-mails were always signed with “Peace” or “Miss You”. About 3 years ago something very subtle happened. Bruce signed an e-mail “Love”. Wow, I thought. He’s finally ready to admit that we have strong feelings toward each other. I, in kind, started signing my e-mails with “Love”. Then the strangest thing happened. At the end of a phone call shortly after Bruce said, “I love you”. Now we always end our conversations exchanging that phrase. Three years ago, after not seeing each other for awhile and knowing he would be in my area, we agreed to meet for lunch. Upon approaching him and knowing he was never touchy-feely, I offered my hand. Instead he threw his arms around me in one of the most intimate hugs I’ve ever had with anybody. We held each other so tightly we could feel our ribs pressed against each other. Bruce and I have never kissed. I think he would be bothered by that.
    My final bromance lives about 25 minutes away and strangely enough it’s my brother in law, Richard (our wives are sisters). I’ve known him almost 30 years. Many years ago at Christmas I gave him a kiss on the cheek and he didn’t take to it. So over the years the traditional manly handshake was our only form of physical contact. About 7 years ago on Thanksgiving our two families visited his mother and had dinner with her. All our parents except her were dead. So we tried to celebrate all the holidays with her. Richard had an argument with her and I called him to another room to talk and calm him down. He was going through what I had when my mom was in the last years of her life. They were both very demanding. The talk we had seemed to bring us closer together or at least realize how much we love each other. As we were leaving and we exchanged our handshake we continued looking at each other. My sister in law picked up on the body and language and said, “For goodness sake, give each other a hug. You know you want to.” Well, we did. It was awkward, upper chest only patting each other on the back, but it was the start of opening up to each other. From that point forward we never greet or depart without a full body intimate hug. Richard has even gotten to the point where on occasion we’ll kiss on the lips. As with my other two bromances we always end a conversation with an exchanged “I love you”.
    I would say based on these stories that while I am bromantic, I am not bisexual. Again full disclosure: As a majority of straight men would say, if they are totally honest, they have had at least one sexual experience with another man. Mine came when I was 24 and single. I met a 33 year old man in my hotel bar when I was vacationing. We were the only two in the place as it was late on a Tuesday night. He struck up a conversation that lasted for a couple of hours as we took turns buying drinks. After last call, I invited him to my room for a couple more drinks as I had a bottle there. While I was out at the soda machine buying a mixer, he disappeared in the bathroom, emerged buck naked and flopped on the bed. I didn’t know what to make of this, but upon his insistance I undressed and laid down next to him. We made passionate love to the point of mutual ejaculation. He left for his hotel across the street. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel the least bit strange about it. He called the next morning and we toured together for most of the day. He talked about his girlfriend and I talked about mine (You mean this guy was straight? He had to be making this up). When he dropped me off at my hotel, we exchanged phone numbers. We shook hands and he left. I wondered later should we have exchanged a kiss or should I have invited him back to my room for another round of sex before he left for home? Well the finish to this story is he married and had several children. So he was indeed heterosexual. I felt the need to tell my wife about this when we were dating. I really wanted to be completely honest about things, right from the start. She was understanding. We’ve never mentioned it since then.

    • Thanks for sharing your story. It speaks to the magnificent relationships men can have together. Of course these relationships don’t have to be of a sexual nature. You have reconfirmed my joy of being a man and the great diversity of view points found with our brotherhood. I only wish such relationships could be achieved by all of us without the misguided notions of homophobia.

  7. There are several very helpful online groups for people in mixed-orienation marriages:

    Alternate Path is a positive affirming group for women seeking help with finding alternative solutions to divorcing their Bisexual/Gay husband. They provide positive discussions that will help the wives adjust to the news that their husband is gay/bi.

    Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (MMOMW) is for those who are in mixed orientation marriages. Straight spouses who are married to gays or bisexuals and also the married gays and bisexuals themselves. The group welcomes all those in this situation no matter how they have decided to deal with this within their own marriage.

    HUGS Couples (Hope, Understanding Growth Support) is a list for couples of mixed sexual orientation who are working to keep their relationship strong and growing. It provides a positive environment where these couples can EXPRESS their concerns, SHARE their successes, and GIVE and RECEIVE support and encouragement.

    Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriages (MMOM) is a support group for either or both members of a mixed orientation marriage or relationship working to remain monogamous. “Mixed orientation”” means that the sexual orientations of the two persons involved do not match. This includes any combination of GLBTQS persons (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, questioning, straight). “Monogamous” means that the partners are sexually exclusive with each other.

    One group that bisexuals should avoid like the plague is “Straight Spouses.” They do not believe that bisexuals exist, so their advice is always divorce. They have wrecked many bisexual marriages that could have been saved.

  8. I do not have a problem with my husband being attracted to both men and women. It is what it is and he is who he is. But I do not cheat and I do not expect him to cheat. I don’t care if it’s sex with another man or another woman. If and when he breaks my trust he’s outta here or I am. I am not wasting my time on a dishonest person. Life is too short to not be able to believe what the person you love tells you. I do not intend to spend it with a liar. I also do not intend to spend it with someone I have to watch to make sure he’s being honest. That’s a terrible way to live and I refuse to live that way. So far, mine has been sincere. I hope he stays that way.

    • Hi Macky. But what if he didn’t cheat and didn’t want to cheat. What if he came to you for permission to have a special relationship with another, say married, bisexual man? If you know he’s bisexual and has a desire for healthy male contact would you allow him this so he could be what he has told you he is? What if you were able to meet the other man, would that help?

      • No, sir. I would not. If he came to me as a straight man who felt he needed to have a special relationship with another woman because he felt it was not in his nature to only have one woman in his life I wouldn’t agree to that either. I seriously doubt the man would be willing to let the wife have her own special, straight man she could have sex with while he was off with his boyfriend. Although, I don’t know why that’s never been offered up on any bisexual site I’ve seen as an option for the wife of a bisexual man who wants to have a special guy.

  9. After more than twenty years of marriage and three children my husband whom I adored told me he is bisexual. According to him he has never “acted on it” but he really wants to act on it now. I have tried to be understanding but he’s getting more and more into it. He is now wanting me to join him with a special friend. I am so hurt and humiliated. So, let me tell you how I have decided to deal with this. I am not. I have stockpiled pain medication, antidepressants and tranquilizers. I intend to take a long, long sleep very, very soon. I do not intend to “let” him have a boyfriend, a sex friend, a lover. I do not intend to be here when he takes long walks in the woods. So while you are all happily figuring out how to have your cake and eat it too understand that some of us opt out of your happy little fantasy life. Goodbye. I’m through crying.

    • Martine, I sincerely hope you are not serious. I hope what you are doing is reaching out. As bad as things seem right now, things will get better in time. Please talk to a friend or a counselor and stop trying to deal with these emotions by yourself.

      • Hi Martine
        I too have only just found out my husband of 18 years is bi. I have 2 kids.
        I can totally understand how you’re feeling!
        So if you need to talk to someone who’s going through the exact same thing , reply. I’m also taking myself off to speak to a psychologist tomorrow to try and get some clarity.

  10. I mentioned in my reply to another poster that this article has left me frustrated by its concentration on females who discover that their man is bisexual, because I am a gay man who discovered this about a man that I had cared deeply for. He was my boyfriend, and we were supposedly in this monogamous, faithful, amazing, cosmic relationship that might one day lead to marriage if it ever became successfully legal in our state (same sex marriage, that is).

    Then I found out he was sleeping around behind my back with several extremely promiscuous women. This was hard for me to deal with, because of his lies and his deceit. And it wasn’t just me that he lied to, he lied to these females about being allergic to latex so that he could have sex with them without wearing a condom and many of them fell for it and still had sex with him anyway. Some of them knew about me and knew that I didn’t know and they didn’t care at all, they still slept with him knowing that he was supposed to be committed to me, and one woman in particular was especially pleased with herself and when she found out that I knew and it was no longer a secret, she delighted in taunting me with the fact that he was in her bed so often, bought her all kinds of things and showered his money on her, and she did this to me any chance she got. I tried to make those chances few and far between, but for some god awful reason we kept running into each other at parties and other functions and even once at the flipping grocery store. It became very clear that her goal was to take him from me and make him totally hers. What she didn’t understand is that he isn’t willing to live without what men have to offer any more than he apparently can live without what women have to offer. But as far as I am concerned, she can give it a go with him if she wants, because I had it with him and asked him to get out of my life for good. I loved him deeply, but I am not a door mat either.

    I am not someone who is comfortable with open relationships. Perhaps at some point I might have been, but this experience was brutally painful for me and I will never ever willingly put myself in this situation now.

    I am trying not to develop a prejudiced attitude towards bisexual men in general, I know that not all of them are like my ex was, and some of them actually do want monogamy as much as I do. But its difficult for me to shake the memory of the pain of what he did to me, his attitude about it, his excuses and the cruel way he could sometimes behave towards me in favor of these vicious females that he hooked up with. This and the fact that he would make love to me without disclosing to me that he was having unprotected sex with all these women. Thank GOD I insisted on protection. Who knows what I could have wound up with.

    • Bryan, I totally sympathize with you. He was obviously not the right guy for a thoughtful, sensitive man. Had he been strictly gay, he would have cheated with other men. Plus, if the girl taunted you that way, it shows the kind of women your ex was involved with and reflects on his lack of judgment. Maybe she is what he deserves.

      Please don’t be angry with bisexual men in general. I don’t doubt for a minute there are many that would welcome and be true to a monogamous relationship with another man. Their bisexuality doesn’t make them dishonest, it simply allows them to fall in love with either a man or a woman.

  11. I have been attracted to men for some time now. I am happily married and have been for over 20 years. My wife and I watch porn movies sometimes when we have sex, some are decidedly gay. She knows it excites me and I have even mentioned having another man in bed with us. She seems to pass it all off. I have noticed she gets excited watching g/g sex on video but professes to have no interest in women. I doubt she would ever be receptive to me opening up although I would love to and I dreamthat she too would be bi-sexual. My gay friend advised me not to open up to her but I am at a loss. I have been with other men and like it. I feel frustrated and frozen as to what to do. I hate to be secretive but feel I must. I suspect I am not alone. I’ve read your commentaries but am scared to death to open up.

    • Hugh, this is a tough situation for many married men. Since your wife enjoys gay porn, you may have one step going in the right direction. But entertainment and learning she has a bisexual husband are two different things. No one knows your wife as well as you do, so only you can decided whether to open that door or not. But once it’s open, it can never be closed again. You’ll have to put her emotions ahead of yours for a long time. You’ll have to assure her that nothing will ever be as important to you as your love for her. Only then will you be able to explore her parameters. Then, once her position is stated, if it is not what you wanted to hear, you’ll have to decide all over again how to proceed with your bisexuality.

      A lot of guys are with you, my friend . . .

      • My husband only disclosed to me 4 days ago that he has been unfaithful to me. We are both bi. Only I have not cheated on him. When he first disclosed this to me, I was devastated. We love each other madly and are so compatible that it feels like we are the same person. Fortunately, I looked for support groups very quickly and discovered that there are so many different forms of loving marriages that include sex in a rainbow of colors, do not lose hope. Check to see if there are flaws in the marriage itself, before disclosure. If there are, fix them, strengthen your marriage and make love to her before disclosure and learn as much about mixed orientation marriages beforehand.

    • My wife and I watch porn and I describe how I will lick the guy’s cock and balls while he fucks her. It makes her so hot, we haven’t brought another man into our bed, but we always talk about while we watch porn. I wouldn’t mind making the fantasy reality and finally having another man’s cock in my mouth. I get so horny while looking at other men’s shafts, such a turn-on, but I love a women’s body, nothing like it.

      • My wife and I do not have sex at all any more, life changes…
        I am very curious about sucking off a guy but have no idea where to meet someone who isn’t out “doing” everyone else lol…. oh well

  12. Very interesting article.
    I’m a bi-sexual married man and I take on board what has been said here about HIV/AIDS etc.
    It’s extremely unfortunate that one or two bi-sexual men haven’t taken the care they should have in their m2m relationships. However, I have to suggest that these guys are few and far between. Most bi-sexual men I’ve known are only ‘out’ to themselves and very careful that not only should their secret not be discovered by family and friends, but also very, very careful that their m2m relations stay clean.
    For myself. I have no option but to remain in the closet. Over time I’ve learned to live with myself and my deceitfulness in order to live with others. The m2m relationships I’ve had have served me well in the relationship I have with my wife.
    I am a tender, erotic lover with her, always ensuring she’s satisfied when we have sex. She tells me often, that I never fail to hit the [G] spot and our relationship continues to be kind and loving. And all this despite the fact that I enjoy the occassional tryst with another man.
    It can be done, provided an individual first acknowledges to himself who and what he is. Then he will be mentally better equipped to deal with both sides of his
    Oscar Wilde said: “A men must live that which is within him, otherwise his life will be a lie.”
    Many thanks for your excellent site,
    Carpe diem (for tomorrow it will be gone).

    • I think all sexual relationships should be clean, not just m2m. Some women carry diseases too, you know. And its not always women that are shocked to find out that there husbands or boyfriends are bisexual. Some gay men wind up learning this as well. Its not roses and cupcakes for them either. This article has left me frustrated because of its consentration on females who discover their man is bisexual. I had a boyfriend once who I discovered was doing women on the side behind my back, and I am so dang lucky I didn’t catch anything. I always insisted on protection. And glad I am, because I found out he lied through his teeth to females and told them he was allergic to latex.

  13. I have been surprised over many years to discover how many apparently successful marriages there are when the wife knew the man was gay even before they were married. Three such couples I know have actually had children – though in each case they decided to keep the husband’s sexuality a secret, which is no joke when the children are adult. In each case the wife seems to be perfectly happy about her husband’s independent sexual life, even arranging to leave him alone in the house on evenings when he wants to have his men friends around. All three men are senior episcopalian priests (indeed, one is a bishop), which tells its own story! As far as I can tell, the wives enjoy the security of having a husband and now find it a relief that they’re not the ones who have to cater to the sexual urges of middle aged men no longer in their physical prime. How they thought about it 30 years ago I frankly find difficult to imagine, though.

  14. Hi, i just found your blog and i need to say i am very impress, and happy wit it.

    I have group in a Catholic country, wish i no need to say been sexually different is a huge problem, I since my childhood understood that i am very different, tomboy, love play with boy and girl, i remember my first play i was about 7 year old, was with my best friend, she and i hide under the bed, and i was in her top, and using my fingers in her, i for forget this for many years, also i am strongly attract to man, if i am bisexual, well i guess i am, but i no looking for have anything with any woman, i have opportunity to do it, but i never go ahead, i guess because i never meet a woman how can make me feel save, and interested to go ahead, or maybe is because i repress it, or maybe all of them, Yes i love to see nice body, and beautiful girls, and yes when i touch myself sometime i fantasy about it, and is great, to be honest i dont know if one day is going to happen, but for now i am very happy with my relationship with my men, sometime i make kind of joke, about be with him and other woman, but obviously for men can be like a dream come true, if i tell him about my desired? No, i dont feel i need to, also he is quite homophobic, wish have been change a lot about it, even in my hard i feel he is like me, or is just i want to feel he is bisexual too? I definitely clear about my sexuality and i enjoy, also i am clear if i meat the right woman ill let myself go.

    Thank you for you blog, and thank you for give me the opportunity for speak about this, wish i feel happy for, taking in consideration is the first time i can speak about it. XXX

    • Angela, you are a charmer. I hope the man you fall in love with is bisexual, because he will understand your feelings and you guys will be able to explore life together.

  15. I just finished reading your blog “Bisexuality and Marriage.” As a married bisexual man who is out to his wife and whose marriage was not seriously challenged by the outing, I have tried to blog the subject in my own blog but I have to confess I have never been able to bring the subject to the level you have accomplished.

    Your writing on this subject makes me feel that you must have been in the room listening to every word that was said between me and my wife when I came out to her. And even that doesn’t tell the whole story, because I was in the room and I have been unable to blog it with the clearness, the insight, the reality and the candor that you have accomplished. I’m really stunned by your insight.

    One of the reasons I knew I could come out to my wife was that she is a practicing psychotherapist. She does a lot of marriage counseling. There is NOTHING she has not seen. She’s seen it all. More than any one other than a psychotherapist can know, she knows what goes on behind closed doors in America and I can assure you that dealing with a bisexual husband is not the only problem wives or husbands have to deal with. The divorce rate is well over 50% in this country and bisexuality has little to do with it.

    One of the things that surprised me and that is a mild description was her sympathy for my situation. I remember at one point after days of talking it out, I caught her crying. To be honest, I thought, “Oh shit. More talk, more tears, more soul bearing on my part.”

    But I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I was just thinking of all the years I’ve known you and thought I knew everything about you and in all those years you were carrying this secret and carrying a terrible burden of pain and I didn’t even know it. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up on it.”

    What do you say to that? I was speechless for a time. Finally, I said, “Well, it’s not something you should bear yourself up over. I went to great lengths NOT to let you perceive my pain or the source of it.”

    In my case, in the end, she said that she saw me as the same person she had been married to happily for all these years and she was not going to allow some new revelation about me to change that.

    She asked ultimately only two things. One, that I be careful and not bring anything home to her in the form of STD. That I have always been concerned with for my own health as well as hers and so it was not an issue. Two, she asked for my promise that I would NEVER discuss details with her, even if in a moment of weakness she asked or even demanded that I do so. I was glad to comply with that because I had already planned to do that anyway. No need to keep the wound open.

    In the end, I told her about myself to address certain problems. What I found was that in spite of how remarkably it all went, I traded one set of problems for another. As good as she has been about it, it affected her. It destroyed a part of the self confident woman she had always been and that I had always loved. For a while I think she thought, as you suggest women might, that I was preparing her for my leaving to live a new life with a man. Only now, some six years later is that idea finally dying in her mind and some of her old confidence in herself and in our relationship returning.

    On the internet, there are guys and groups and blogs who demand that a guy must come out to his wife or that he must NOT come out to his wife. In my experience my own decision and the resulting implications were plenty for me to deal with. I don’t feel at all comfortable in telling some other guy what he HAS TO DO. I’ll gladly share my thoughts and my experiences with him; but the decision has to be his. He has to be well aware that once he opens that box. It will never, ever, be closed again.

    For me, opening the box was ultimately almost a non-issue. I have friends who lost everything they had when they opened that box. They lost their wife, their home, their children, their job, their friends, their church family and every thing else in life that had previously defined them.

    Thanks so much for posting this piece. It is something every married bisexual male should read.

    Jack Scott

    • This is a reply to Jack Scott’s post, dated July 25, 2011. Jack, you say in outing yourself, your wife requested that you, “Be careful and not bring anything home to her in the form of an STD.” — WAIT — that doesn’t mean she’s leaving her personal safety entirely in your hands, does it? It doesn’t mean she’s forsaking measures to keep HERSELF safe in the hope that you will somehow “keep it clean,” right? And by the way, what the hell does that mean, anyway? Are you going to put a condom on every man you blow? Keep you mouth away from his rectum? Insist on “safe and dry” engagement at all times? I seriously doubt it. The point is, ANY woman that sleeps with a bisexual/gay man is risking her life. And no woman should ever put “safety” in the hands of a man when it comes to matters of the flesh.

      OK. Let’s say she accepts her new life as a slave to plastic — the male/female condom kind. Remember, she’s coming in contact with DNA she’s never even met. I don’t care how well you wash or brush, you won’t kill it all. So if your wife is serious about protecting her life, she will use a female condom as long as she sleeps with you. POST-MENOPAUSAL AS WELL. Additionally, there’ll be no more french kissing – that’s out. No oral genital contact without a condom, and no other “high-risk” behavior in the marital bed that could compromise the strength of her blood cells. Is this the picture we have in mind when we marry?

      The fact is, women run away from men like you because you present a liability on all fronts. In addressing the health safety angle, we’ve only skimmed the surface. But what really gets me is when men talk about disclosure as if it were an optional thing, as if ONLY YOU should have a say-so about what women are exposed to, when, where and how. “Do whatever’s right for you, dude. As long as you’re protecting your own interests.”

      The fact is, EVERY person has a right to know what kind of relationship they’re in, so they can make an informed choice about where they want to be, or SHOULD be. Take away their ability to choose and you take away their personal power. But then again, maybe that’s the point…..

      • Though the post from SMK is a year old, I’ve only now come across this blog and post exchange.

        I am bisexual, 52, and have been married for 28 years. Finding Jack Scott’s blog and others of the same ilk have provided me at long last with some solace in how badly I have felt about myself and the relationship I entered into in the best of faith nearly 30 years ago.

        It is apparent to me that SMK is a woman and is taking a stand against men who she feels want it all, at the expense of innocent and unsuspecting wives. At this, I take great offense.

        Our love life died a long painful death, evidenced by many frustrated weekends of me trying to make things conducive to intimacy for a healthy couple with no children, only to reach Sunday afternoon and still get no response or interest from my spouse. I would be so torqued up and get so resentful and lash at at her over trivial things, but I was the “cranky” one who needed to seek mental help for getting so upset over small matters. I finally flat-out asked her if she was no longer interested in sex, and she said no. I told her I was still interested in sex and asked her what she expected me to do. I got no response. I spoke to her mother about my physical relationship with her daughter at one point and she said she had told my father-in-law that she was “through with all that mess” when she was about 45. Now I had a clearer picture.

        As of now, we haven’t had any physical contact for a year. I pushed her to see a therapist with me on the basis that, in a relationship, there is physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. If we had neither, there was no reason for me to stay and we should call it quits. She grudgingly went for maybe 5 or 6 sessions, ending each with, “we’re through with this now, right?”

        So I have started to pursue my long suppressed interest in men. I had previously never done anything that was not safe – mutual masturbation was as far as it went – no kissing, no oral, no anal – usually just watching each other jack off.

        I had even gained a lot of weight that functioned as a security blanket that kept me from attracting other men. Then, I woke up at 49 and realized how miserable I was, so I joined a gym, have gotten myself in shape, never get any compliments, encouragement, or interest from my wife in how I look or feel now, and so then I started looking to connect with men. Promiscuity does not play a part in my life, so I am looking for only a couple of men to get together with occasionally for safe play.

        IF my wife decides she is interested in having a physical me again, I will gladly return to her after I have myself thoroughly checked out. Such a relationship between us is not one I will allow to be in the “off” position for so long and then have her decide to turn the switch “on” if the mood strikes her.

        Why stay? 28 years, otherwise generally compatible, mutual respect – despite that absence of our physical relationship – and, most importantly, I still love her.

        With the gradations of sexuality from exclusively gay to exclusively hetero, those of us in the middle MUST make a choice – to be gay or to be straight – and to make the best of the situation.

        So, to SMK, I want you to see that each case is an individual, that bisexual men do not choose to have an interest in men, that society generally constrains us to either a hetero- or homosexual relationship, and what my individual pair of shoes actually look like and perhaps feel like before you wedge them on your feet and try to take a few teetering steps in them.

        Thank you for the opportunity to get this out of my head and finally into words.

  16. My husband recently told me after being married for 7 years with two beautiful boys that he is bisexual. He claims it started when he was a young boy with a close friend and that he has acted out on his desires infrequently. He wants to stay together, I do too. Since his revelation, our sex life is even better as I am open to being with him or his experiementing on his own as long as he is careful, safe. However, I wonder if since he was in love in his first relationship with a man, if that is what he truly will seek out again, I worry about making the sacrafices to share him (I have no desire for men or women outside of marriage) and then one day he tells me he is leaving me for someone else…. how do I approach my anxiety with him?

    • Hi Madeline … you’ve given your husband an important reason to want to spend the rest of his life with you: your understanding. Provided your marriage is sound in the traditional ways, and provided your husband isn’t actually gay, you have nothing to worry about as long as he remains truthful and is careful. Bisexuality is far more common than most people think and even though your husband has chosen to marry a woman, his same sex urges can be quite compelling. Maintain good communications and don’t be afraid to ask him questions about your concerns point blank. After all, you are his wife and there should be no secrets or doubts.

  17. So, I have to say that I’ve been reading your blog for several months now, and commented a few times. I stumbled across it and got hooked. This blog has been really good for me. It’s helped me feel a bit of kinship with other men who are having the same experiences as me. It’s also given me the ability to come out to myself as bisexual. I’m not out to anyone else, but my therapist, yet. This is particularly scary with my wife, with whom my relationship is very valuable. Inspired by this and several other blogs, I’ve decided to start blogging about my own experiences. It’s really just a way for me to work out my own stuff in my own way. But, I just want to say thank you for being my inspiration. Keeping up with this blog has really helped me understand myself and be honest with myself so much better.

    • That you’ve decided to blogg about your experiences and that it has given you the opportunity to take ownership of what you is brilliant!
      I’m in the same boat as you – married and ‘out’ only to myself. Over time I’ve learned to live with who and what I am and to a certain degree enjoy it.
      There’s no way in the world that I could ever ‘come out’ to my wife and family, so the alternative for me is to effectively manage the two sides of my sexuality. Being bi-sexual for me has had it’s benefits in that it has made me a better lover with my wife which has always been sensual and erotic.
      I’m convinced the secret is firstly to acknowledge to one’s self the bi-sexuality and enjoy sex with other men, and secondly learn to manage it, safely, cleanly and tell yourself it’s the greatest feeling in the world !
      I do, and it works for me.

  18. Another testimonial I read:

    I kept my attractions to men (I identify as gay) a secret for 30 years of marriage and considered myself happy during those years despite predictable periods of frustration and longing. I made the same choice you have made and decided I could rely on masturbation to fantasy and a hidden collection of gay porn for sexual fulfillment. At the time, I felt I had to choose between being a husband to my best friend and a father to my kids (the most important role in my life), or being an actively gay man in a world that held very little appeal to me (to the limited extent I knew that world). I refused to let my sexual orientation dictate my place in this world.

    Only after the kids were grown and on their own did I decide the time had come to experience the sex I’d been designed to experience. I felt I’d done a superior job fulfilling my role as family man and deserved an opportunity to explore a gay world that had become less intimidating to me. I knew the outcome I wanted at that point. I developed a plan to achieve that outcome. And ultimately, because I have a very loving, giving and reasonable wife, I achieved that outcome. I now have a richly rewarding family life (six grandkids) and a young male lover who has been with me for 2 1/2 years. My wife and he get along very well and we do many (non-sexual) things together, including vacations.

    Living in the closet is certainly not ideal, and many guys can tell you how damaging it can be to your mental health initially and possibly your physical health down the road. It is internal homophobia that keeps us in the closet, and ultimately I found a need to be loved as the good gay husband and dad I knew I was and am. I assure you it is better to be out and loved than closeted and loved.

    • You speak words of wisdom, I wish I could have the courage to identify as Bi. My wife knows that I am and that I have a sexual attraction to both sexes, I’m in a situation though that would really hurt me if I came out now.

      I hear you about the frustration, I see all these cute guys all the time and I don’t have the heart to approach them. I will sit back and study them, (not stalk – dear god not that), and usually their actions will dictate if they have an interest in men. It’s very subtle, but they will do certain things that will clue me in on the fact that they are really comfortable with men. I’ve only met two other men that came out with me. One of them, I’ll never forget was my boyfriend during the time that he was working in the same area, I couldn’t follow him when he got fired for identifying as gay because I am held to this company by a contract and that there could be legal issues if I left. It broke my heart to see him go, he had the most wonderful personality, both of us loved to do the same things, slight variations here and there, but in all it was amazing. He was the most attractive man that I have ever laid eyes on and he was mine. It seriously broke my heart when he left and I have tried to keep in touch with him, but long distance is not doing us good. I met this other guy, Cameron who I flirted around with months after I was forced to break up with Brandon. He came out with me and I felt comfortable discussing my identity with him. We were great friends for the longest time and would cuddle and kiss. We never really went beyond that and I found out later on that he was bi-polar, he started having an attraction with another man and before I knew it, I am at where I am at, at the moment. My wife is fine with me having a boyfriend as she has a girlfriend herself. 😉

      There are certain things that my wife and I hold dearly now that we are married and we wont do with our other partners. But all in all, I miss having Brandon hold me. I have dreams of being free of my job and feeling a warm autumn breeze pass between us out on a farm, looking up at his wonderful green eyes, with a strong, but pleasant musk. Just holding him, never wanting to let him go and then the dream is over again and I wake to harsh reality.

      How do you guys deal with something like that? One thing that has come out of it, I am still attracted to my wife, but have a strong want to be with the same sex. No I am not going to leave her, or do things without her knowledge because trust and love fall in as top priority in the relationship. But I feel myself slipping into this void, not knowing where to go or what to do. I feel days slipping by and I still am separated from both of them. It drives me crazy.

  19. From another wife. Obviously the risk of HIV is a major downside.

    Five years ago my husband Richard rocked my seemingly perfect world. In a moment he confessed that he was unfaithful, bisexual and HIV positive. I cried and I could only think this was a nightmare and I would soon awake. My architect, marathon-running husband had BETRAYED me. We had everything to live for. I loved my husband and our three daughters and could not imagine my life without him. I know Richard loves me and he even wrote a book titled, Jodi, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, and honored me by placing my photo on the cover. Every time I see myself on the cover I realize I have something that few women have; a love story in which a husband professes and chronicles his eternal love to his wife. Richard and I discussed whether our story should be told and we, our girls included, decided that there was a potential to save many lives by going public. Richard and I had always run marathons and Richard ran his fastest marathon as an HIV positive man. We believe that HIV+ people could live healthy, productive lives if they could just get the AIDS medicine, lead a healthy lifestyle, and be surrounded by a loving family. Any shame or humiliation brought upon my family by our going public would be a small price to pay if our story could help AIDS sufferers and their families. 3,000,000 people are dying from AIDS each year. Millions of orphaned children are growing up without the love and affection of their parents. This is undeniably wrong.

    Richard’s and my commitment for our story to reach as many people as possible led us to arrange a two-month, 14,000-mile book tour. Richard never complained the cross-country trip was too grueling. He was so excited to share experiences of how well his story was being received. Back home I had to deal with relatives, both his and mine, who blamed me for allowing Richard to write such a book. SCARRED, scarred for life, our daughters would be; the relatives concurred. These were troubling times for me and I wished that Richard was home with me. We had never been apart before. The only good moments I could really enjoy were during my visits with Richard in San Diego and Atlanta. Finally Richard arrived home and the girls and I were thrilled to have our family together. The very next day Richard had a seizure and shortly after was diagnosed with brain cancer. His doctors gave him 2 to 4 years to live; we sobbed bitterly. We were determined to live each moment to the fullest, not just smell the roses, inhale them. Our rose garden is now in full bloom as we celebrate our daughter Peri’s graduating from high school and being voted, Most Likely to Succeed.

    Richard and I had been running marathons even before he was diagnosed HIV positive. Richard and his brain oncologist decided he could continue running marathons even though he had brain cancer. Our daughter Hillary, and I, and his oncologist will be joining Richard for the 2003 New York City Marathon. For me it’s my eleventh marathon, but for Hillary it’s her first. She wants to give her Dad all the support she can. As I see it, Richard’s and my path through life may not be a stroll through a rose garden, but I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world. Richard and I look forward to growing old together. Please pray for Richard and my family.

  20. I recently found this post on another website:

    Recently I found out that my husband is bisexual and has acted bisexually [as in mutual masturbation oral sex and watching other men have sex] for quite a while. I only found out that he is bisexual when he found out he has HIV. I don’t know what to do now. I think I still love him but I’m so angry I can’t stand it. We have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful baby girl and were planning on getting pregnant this year with our next child.
    I’ve been reading about treatment and it seems like he may be able to keep from getting sick for a long time but I don’t know if I want to deal with this. He has said he is sorry but that’s it he is going on his way living his life like he always has but he says he is no longer acting bisexually. I am hurting so bad! I would think that if you did something this bad to your wife you would be trying to make sure she knows you really love her. Not my husband! He screws around, dis’s me, and he can’t even be bothered to remind me that he loves me, spend any extra time with me, or do any extras for me that might make me feel better or make me want to keep him. Why can’t he see that I need a lot of TLC now???
    My big question tho is to other men who are married and bisexual. Could you keep your marriage together, be happy with your wife and NEVER ACT AS A BISEXUAL AGAIN? Is it possible?

    • To Martin:

      I’m doing it now and contemplating coming out to my wife. We have known each other for a long time 10+ years. Since we have been married i haven’t messed around with another guy. It’s tough cause I crave the feeling of another man inside me. I don’t know what to do? I want to start this new year off right. I feel like i can trust her not to freak out too bad. See, I think it’s kinda obvious anyway.

Leave a Reply