I kept my attractions to men (I identify as gay) a secret for 30 years of marriage and considered myself happy during those years despite predictable periods of frustration and longing. I made the same choice you have made and decided I could rely on masturbation to fantasy and a hidden collection of gay porn for sexual fulfillment. At the time, I felt I had to choose between being a husband to my best friend and a father to my kids (the most important role in my life), or being an actively gay man in a world that held very little appeal to me (to the limited extent I knew that world). I refused to let my sexual orientation dictate my place in this world.

Only after the kids were grown and on their own did I decide the time had come to experience the sex I’d been designed to experience. I felt I’d done a superior job fulfilling my role as family man and deserved an opportunity to explore a gay world that had become less intimidating to me. I knew the outcome I wanted at that point. I developed a plan to achieve that outcome. And ultimately, because I have a very loving, giving and reasonable wife, I achieved that outcome. I now have a richly rewarding family life (six grandkids) and a young male lover who has been with me for 2 1/2 years. My wife and he get along very well and we do many (non-sexual) things together, including vacations.

Living in the closet is certainly not ideal, and many guys can tell you how damaging it can be to your mental health initially and possibly your physical health down the road. It is internal homophobia that keeps us in the closet, and ultimately I found a need to be loved as the good gay husband and dad I knew I was and am. I assure you it is better to be out and loved than closeted and loved.

Five years ago my husband Richard rocked my seemingly perfect world. In a moment he confessed that he was unfaithful, bisexual and HIV positive. I cried and I could only think this was a nightmare and I would soon awake. My architect, marathon-running husband had BETRAYED me. We had everything to live for. I loved my husband and our three daughters and could not imagine my life without him. I know Richard loves me and he even wrote a book titled, Jodi, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, and honored me by placing my photo on the cover. Every time I see myself on the cover I realize I have something that few women have; a love story in which a husband professes and chronicles his eternal love to his wife. Richard and I discussed whether our story should be told and we, our girls included, decided that there was a potential to save many lives by going public. Richard and I had always run marathons and Richard ran his fastest marathon as an HIV positive man. We believe that HIV+ people could live healthy, productive lives if they could just get the AIDS medicine, lead a healthy lifestyle, and be surrounded by a loving family. Any shame or humiliation brought upon my family by our going public would be a small price to pay if our story could help AIDS sufferers and their families. 3,000,000 people are dying from AIDS each year. Millions of orphaned children are growing up without the love and affection of their parents. This is undeniably wrong.

Richard’s and my commitment for our story to reach as many people as possible led us to arrange a two-month, 14,000-mile book tour. Richard never complained the cross-country trip was too grueling. He was so excited to share experiences of how well his story was being received. Back home I had to deal with relatives, both his and mine, who blamed me for allowing Richard to write such a book. SCARRED, scarred for life, our daughters would be; the relatives concurred. These were troubling times for me and I wished that Richard was home with me. We had never been apart before. The only good moments I could really enjoy were during my visits with Richard in San Diego and Atlanta. Finally Richard arrived home and the girls and I were thrilled to have our family together. The very next day Richard had a seizure and shortly after was diagnosed with brain cancer. His doctors gave him 2 to 4 years to live; we sobbed bitterly. We were determined to live each moment to the fullest, not just smell the roses, inhale them. Our rose garden is now in full bloom as we celebrate our daughter Peri’s graduating from high school and being voted, Most Likely to Succeed.

Richard and I had been running marathons even before he was diagnosed HIV positive. Richard and his brain oncologist decided he could continue running marathons even though he had brain cancer. Our daughter Hillary, and I, and his oncologist will be joining Richard for the 2003 New York City Marathon. For me it’s my eleventh marathon, but for Hillary it’s her first. She wants to give her Dad all the support she can. As I see it, Richard’s and my path through life may not be a stroll through a rose garden, but I wouldn’t trade places with anyone in the world. Richard and I look forward to growing old together. Please pray for Richard and my family.

Recently I found out that my husband is bisexual and has acted bisexually [as in mutual masturbation oral sex and watching other men have sex] for quite a while. I only found out that he is bisexual when he found out he has HIV. I don’t know what to do now. I think I still love him but I’m so angry I can’t stand it. We have been married for 10 years and have a beautiful baby girl and were planning on getting pregnant this year with our next child.
I’ve been reading about treatment and it seems like he may be able to keep from getting sick for a long time but I don’t know if I want to deal with this. He has said he is sorry but that’s it he is going on his way living his life like he always has but he says he is no longer acting bisexually. I am hurting so bad! I would think that if you did something this bad to your wife you would be trying to make sure she knows you really love her. Not my husband! He screws around, dis’s me, and he can’t even be bothered to remind me that he loves me, spend any extra time with me, or do any extras for me that might make me feel better or make me want to keep him. Why can’t he see that I need a lot of TLC now???
My big question tho is to other men who are married and bisexual. Could you keep your marriage together, be happy with your wife and NEVER ACT AS A BISEXUAL AGAIN? Is it possible?