Tag Archives: Bisexual Husbands

My Husband Doesn’t Admit He’s Bisexual

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I don’t know where to turn . . .

My husband is definitely @ least bi. I think he gets angry at me about it. He wants to watch gay porn and says it’s because I like it. (It actually freaked me out for a long time but now I do get turned on by it). He rubbed his male friend the other night in front of me (over his jeans) and said that was for me too… He is angry with me when I try to talk about it and denies any bi feelings. I am sad that he never seems pleased with me in bed and wish we could have an open and honest discussion about it. I am sad and lonely and don’t know where to turn.

Reply:

You have described an insecure man who has serious self-identity issues, a man that is trying to control you by switching on his anger to shut you up. Additionally, no thoughtful husband would express displeasure with his wife’s sexual performance. If the picture you have painted about your husband is objective, he needs psychological help if he is to become a whole man that is at peace with himself, and a worthwhile husband.

First, you need to take charge of your own life. Quit having sex with him until he has a conversation with you about why he isn’t satisfied with your performance. Perhaps he would like you to be more proactive, or more willing to try different things. Unless he is gay and doesn’t realize it, or unless you are simply in a bad marriage, your sexual relationship should be repairable.

Secondly, since he has introduced you to gay porn, and rubbing his male friend’s crotch, you have a right to discuss his sexuality, and a right to expect him to be responsive. Insist upon it. Tell him his anger is misplaced and let him know exactly how you feel, that your peace-of-mind has been affected, and that your future happiness is at risk. If you are indicating acceptance of his sexuality, it is his obligation to discuss it with you, to explain why he brings gay porn into your life if he himself is not aroused by it. If you succeed in getting him to participate in a conversation, and if he admits his attraction to men, then the two of you have to determine what the parameters of his sexuality will be in regards to your marriage. In other words, will he eventually want more than watching gay porn movies with you?

If your sincerest attempts to talk to him fail, you have no choice but to see a marriage counselor and/or reevaluate your marriage. These issues are not symptoms of a healthy relationship.

The Male Psyche

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There is a common thread that runs through almost all men. It has to do with both the subtle and vibrant variations of masculinity. It puts us at one with other men, at one with our individual perceptions, at one with our bodies and our genitals. The broad spectrum of men includes characteristics like genuine decency, the desire to share, the need to fit in, the instinct to protect those weaker than ourselves.

The General Brotherhood of Men

Sadly, for reasons we may never understand, there are those deficient individuals outside the general brotherhood of man that live cowardly, misguided lives: wife beaters, child predators, rapists, criminals, bullies, racists … individuals that do not reflect or represent any of the wonderful human elements that comprise the majority of men.

Narrowing the field a little further, a group within the brotherhood could be isolated in a non-criminal but dreary group nonetheless: the selfish, the lazy, the slovenly, the autocratic, the self-righteous and the irresponsible, thus leaving a certain integrity in the remaining majority of men.

You may not think subtracting the deviants, the slovenly and the pitiful leaves a clear majority of men. I do. They are by nature usually a quieter group. They don’t make the evening news nearly as much. They don’t impose themselves on our consciousness by routinely annoying us. They simply carry on, trying to do what’s right, trying to provide a descent life for themselves and those they care for. They are the men that make you glad you are a man and a part of the general brotherhood. They are the men I love, that I watch from day to day in public places, the men about whom scenarios pass through my mind as I quietly admire them and fondly analyze what kind of personae they might have. They are the reason I’m here, the men I support and encourage and celebrate. They are men I write about in my novels.

This vast resource of men still hold doors open for women. They usually feel a little awkward holding a newborn baby. They feel good when they see their wives smile. They would make an extraordinary sacrifice for a friend. They value honesty and integrity. They feel guilty when they lie. Yet they are competitive, ambitious and get back up when they fail.

Of course men are sexual creatures. How many times do we think about sex each day? How often do we masturbate in the shower, or take a firm hold of our balls because it feels good? How often does the mere sight of an attractive man (or woman) empty our brains of all other thought? The fast paced careers, the bigger houses, the expensive watches and cars are merely material distractions that have nothing to do with the true essence of life. Some portion of the general brotherhood are utterly straight, some portion are irreproachably gay, but our greatest numbers fall somewhere in the middle. Continue reading →

Subtle Suspicion and Quiet Concern

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A Question About a Boyfriend’s Sexuality

Hi Martin … As I am researching my question, your website was discovered. It is beautifully artistic and tasteful, thank you. I have enjoyed viewing the pictures and reading some literature. I am a divorced middle-age woman with a child in a 3 plus year relationship with a man that I adore. We are deeply in love and connected, with one another, my child (as a family), and with his family. We have a healthy social life with a variety of friends and we are both successful professionals. We worked with one another in the 90′s briefly, yet the mutual attraction remained. We began our relationship as friends, and built a foundation. He has never been married, nor has any children. We took our relationship very slowly for nearly a year before we became intimate, and even then, we progressed slowly. We have now reached a place of trust and unity; however, I have some concerns and need to reckon with them.

Although we have dealt with this issue, my gut continues to nag me. The last thing that I want to do is nag him because it will send him away, yet I remain unsettled. My partner has a variety of friends, one of which shows serious signs of hidden homosexuality. They have been friends for 20 years, met in college, have lived together on several occasions, dined at upscale restaurants alone, and they fish and hunt together ALONE A LOT. In the past they have shared a hotel for a week at a time to hunt, and his hunting buddy stays at his house  in a spare room. I was suspicious last year for various reasons, and began to snoop. I found a lot of transvestite porn and confronted my lover. He admitted that he was addicted to porn, but not gay. A friend gave me Broke Back Mountain to watch, and it freaked me out because it could be them: manly men of on their private excursions.

Our sex life was damaged and nearly non-existent for a long time. He used the excuse that I was a pain in the ass and he could not get aroused. He never even tried for a long time, only I initiated any contact. Since the past 7 months, I have backed away and let him pursue me. Our love life is now thriving and satisfying mutually. Additionally, my partner shows an unnatural obsession to talk about the “heiney” and passing gas, going to the bathroom. I admit, I have a great sense of toilet humor, there is an appropriate time and place, yet he is constant with his remarks. This concerns me because of his strong influence on my son, which assuredly is positive, except for this subject.

I have noticed that there have been times that he will walk from the shower without his towel to get his underwear in front of my son, which I find offensive and rude. Until now, I have dismissed it, yet as I reflect now, I will ask him to stop. The bottom line, this man is madly in love with me and I with him; however, whenever this one friend is in the picture, there is tension, and my man’s actions and attitude change, compromising us and my feelings. I am seeking advice on how to settle my mind, let go of these feelings or trust my intuition, and where to go from there. The character traits of my man are just like the blonde big guy on BBM, very easily angered, especially regarding this topic; therefore, I walk cautiously, even avoiding my fears to avoid confrontation at all costs. Yet he wants a future and discusses such more and more, and I do not want to rock the boat. He is an honest, loyal, and trustworthy man, yet a homosexual lifestyle would not be easily accepted in his family. I have decided, that regardless, I will always love him. However, if he is gay, I cannot continue in an intimate relationship with him. Part of me fears that he wants his cake and to eat it too… please respond authentically. I greatly appreciate your response. Thank you.

My reply:

It sounds like you are listening to your instincts, which many of us have learned to do by the time we reach mid-life. Continue reading →

Bisexuality … One Woman’s Challenge

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I often hear from women that are grappling with their husband’s or boyfriend’s bisexuality. Often their story touches my soul. Pam’s challenge for example. She has been going with her boyfriend for five years, basically a marriage when it comes to affairs of the heart. Three years in, she learned her boyfriend has had a quickie with another woman, which led to his confession about his bisexuality and his countless encounters with men.

Here are Pam’s own words:

“I stumbled on your website and signed up immediately after reading your pages on bisexuality. My boyfriend is bisexual and it took nearly 3 years before he told me about it. We have been together for five years.

His experiences in our relationship were frequent anonymous encounters with men and occasionally a female, but his attraction is mainly to men. When he told me about it, it came about after I discovered he has slept with another woman. Telling me that it was rare for him to be with another woman, left me extremely hurt because I didn’t believe him. But, when he told me about being with other men and that he had been with hundreds, I realized we had a more than his bisexuality to discuss. Continue reading →

Jered’s Story

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Jered is not an artist, an intellectual or a poet … he’s just a beautiful man in mind, body and soul, a man like so many of us. From an early age he’s felt a little different. Seeing himself as straight, he had certain curiosities, but nothing came of it, until . . . his story follows in his own words.

I am 36 years old, and have always felt slightly different. Growing up, I had curiosities, but nothing more. I lost my virginity at 14, and have always been very horny and lustful since. I always had the curious thought, but never had a chance to act on it. I think it led up through several milestones or experiences.

I picked up the trade as a carpenter very young, and still practice as a hobby. At age 23, I was working on a man’s house, who was kind of feminine, my first experience around a gay man.

He flirted with me, which opened new windows for my imagination. Nothing happened, I didn’t even know what to think at the time. Then a couple of years later, I was remodeling a gay man’s condo, and was exposed to some gay porn, which reinvigorated my previous curiosities.

Nothing happened there either, just the male mind swimming with thoughts. I was married during both times, and we ended up divorcing later for other reasons. After which, I became desperate to give in to the curiosity, which led me to a cruising spot by a lake, where I received and gave my first blow job to a complete stranger.

Realizing the danger in that kind of activity, I backed away from it all together. By this point, I had moved on from working as a carpenter to selling lumber, and spent a lot of time in customers offices. I became friends with an openly gay male, at a customers office. He would flirt, and I would respond that I was straight, but I always had questions for him. This is the big changing moment for me…… One night, he had a football party, and invited some co-workers and myself over to watch a big game. After the game everyone left, but I had a few too many beers, and volunteered to stay, and help clean up, in hopes to sober up some, and drive home.

After we got everything cleaned up, he went to the bedroom, and came back out naked, and completely hard! He came over to me and grabbed my crotch. I resisted at first, but Continue reading →

Bisexuality … the Blessing & the Curse

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The Messy Realities of Bisexuality

Bisexuality lacks clarity between attraction, behavior and identity.

Published on July 5, 2011 by Loren A. Olson, M.D. in Finally Out

When I searched Twitter for “bisexuality” I found this: “Bisexuality is the ability to reach down someone’s pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.” I once defined it (less colorfully) on my blog, MagneticFire. I wrote, “Bisexuality is being sexually attracted equally to both men and women.”

The response was swift and furious. “Am I defined accurately as bisexual only if I have one ejaculation with a woman for every ejaculation I have with a man?” I was accused of being a poor scientist and unfamiliar with the literature on bisexuality. My definition was considered far too restrictive. One bisexual man wrote that a bisexual could be any of the following:

• Straight-identified married men who have surreptitious sex with other men.

• Single men with steady girlfriends

• Divorced men who partner with another man but remain attracted to women

• Transgender persons and their transgender partners

• Men in polyamorous relationships.

That is a very large umbrella! I could cop out and say that labels are useless and this discussion is meaningless, but labels are essential for research and important for the development of a sense of belonging. Within the LGBT community, not only are the L, the G, the B and the T distinct from one another, but each can be divided into multiple sub-populations.

The term “bisexuality” lacks clarity about the differences between attraction, behavior or self-identity. Many scientists prefer a definition based exclusively on attraction because behavior and identity are more fluid. For some behavior and self-definitions may evolve over time. Lisa Diamond in Sexual Fluidity has suggested that a shifting of sexual intimacy is more common in women than in men; that is consistent with my clinical experience. As I described in, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I began life believing I was a heterosexual man, went through a brief period of believing I might be bisexual, and now am completely confident that I am a gay man. Once I aligned my sexual attraction, sexual behavior and my self-identity, the dissonance I had felt for much of my life disappeared.

I recently had a conversation with a married man who described himself as bisexual. I asked him if his attraction to men and women was equal. He affirmed that it was. I then asked, “How do you commit to one person if you must give up 50 percent of who you are?” He responded, “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to have kids and grandchildren.” I then asked him if he was sexually attracted to his wife or if his attraction was based on his attraction to the privileges of the traditional one man, one woman, and monogamy. He agreed that he was sexually attracted to men but socially attracted to his wife.

Continue reading →

Male Sexuality…The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater

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My novel, The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater, deals with primordial issue of male bisexuality. Happily married, believing he had consigned his attraction to other men to his days in college, Johnny crosses paths with Cassandra Mott. Once his departed grandmother’s lover, she has come back from the past for reasons of her own, using the irresistible beauty of her brother to reawaken the urges Johnny has long since ignored. The supernatural elements of this tale are the catalysts that propel him down a mystifying road of self-identity. You’ll feel his emotions as Johnny grapples with his sexuality, what he views as both a blessing and a curse. You’ll wonder about the direction he may go. And you might even identify with him.

 

From Logunede Jones on Amazon

I thoroughly enjoyed The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater. Savannah (Georgia) and Kenya come alive in author Martin Brant’s descriptions. The diverse cast of characters is compelling, and the suspense is built-in by the multi-sensorial descriptions of a haunted house filled with a range of unsettling beings, and by the question of what kind of intriguing “debauchery” Johnny will be coerced into next!

Johnny stumbles into a sticky web of relationships between his wife Marilee, the otherworldly siblings Julian and Cassandra, and his new friend Brian. Ultimately he realizes an important difference–love–between the nature of his relationship with Brian and that of his relationship with Julian. Marilee opens up to her body and its responses thanks to Johnny, and Johnny finally learns the reason for Cassandra’s revenge.

The ending is a terrific wham/bam whirl, with one surprise after another in the last few pages, including a main character’s deus-ex-machina solution, very nicely done.

The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater is a portentous and philosophical novel, not to be confused with barely-sketched characters ripping each others’ pants off. Sure there’s sex: the erotic massage scene is riveting, and the leather “heathen” sequence appropriately disgusting yet compelling! But beyond this, Brant’s writing expertly explores the “haunting” of bisexuality: a phantom sex hovering in the wings, an obsession never completely conquered in the heft and smell of remembered flesh. At times the novel seems to confirm the common perception that bisexuality is merely the mid-life crisis of married men who realize they’re gay. But at other times, we read and understand the circumstances of characters for whom bisexuality is not a transitional phase, but a way of life.

Highly recommended, suspenseful, beautiful writing.

Available on Kindle or paperback here.

From a Wife With a Bisexual Husband

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For some of us Mother Nature deals unusual cards when it comes to our genes. We’re born and the day comes we realize we’re attracted to both sexes. Call it an anomaly if you want, but for a surprisingly high percentage of us, it is very real. Bisexuality, no matter how a person chooses to deal with it, is an ever-present phantom in one’s life. If you happen to be a man and have chosen to spend your life with a woman, bisexuality can haunt you for your entire life, not that you don’t love and cherish her.  No matter how much you love her, something important is missing. If you’re the woman married to this man and love him dearly, you face a unique and difficult challenge, though it’s a challenge that can be overcome.

As a gift to Mr. Rob for this Christmas season, his wife wrote this piece for his blog: The Bi-married Mafia

*   *   *

My journey has been filled with so many ups and downs, but what journey isn’t. The ups and downs are not just limited to unique relationships like ours. And I have come to realize ours is not the only “unique” relationship out there. You have to do what you need to do to make it work for you. I had to stop comparing things to others’ relationships or to what I had always believed to be “the norm”. “Normal” is such a subjective word anyway. What is “normal” for one isn’t for another. My journey….still an ongoing process. But I believe that any relationship that is growing is an ongoing process. The moment we stop growing is the time we need to worry.

Before we were married, my husband told me about his attractions to men. Both of us felt it was not something that we needed to worry about. We were young and very involved in a church which taught this was something that you could overcome. We were in love.

A few years ago, my husband brought it up again. He had an incredible void in his life which needed to be filled…a void which could not be filled by me. I could see the pain and struggle he was in. Not that I was lacking anything…no one person can fill everything in one person’s life. In my naiveté, I thought this could be filled with a “gay best friend” and I encouraged it. I have always given my husband every freedom to be. I try not to stand in his way of expressing himself and finding out who he was meant to be, knowing that is important to him. But I also had understood that we were in a monogamous relationship and not once did my mind wander to him being with a man physically. This was not something that I worried about. Neither of us was wired to cheat on the other. We had our ups and downs, but this just wasn’t something that would “happen to us”.

He did find this best friend. They hung out and did things together. This man became very important to my husband and even became part of our family. We would vacation together and hang out on holidays. Their relationship was filled with ups and downs, but I assumed it was due to the fact they were both strong personalities. After about 3 years, the relationship ended. It was at that time that my husband confided in me the extent of their relationship.

Continue reading →

My Best Novel?

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When I’m asked which of my novels is my favorite, I’m hard pressed to give an answer.  In one way or another, I’m attached to all of them.  I’m sure most writers are.  I can, however, talk about the one I think is best.  Though it sells the fewest copies, it’s The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater.

There are a number of reasons for this; primarily it’s the unconventional way this story is told.  Like countless men in the world today, Johnny Feelwater comes to a point in his life he has to face the powerful laws of genetics, the laws that concern his sexuality.  The reason I use the term unconventional is because of the catalyst involved that puts him in this predicament, i.e. his so-called haunting; which I think may be the reason this novel doesn’t sell as well as the others.  Readers looking for an emotional human drama might, based on the title, pass on this story thinking it is more typical of books written in the supernatural genre.  Setting the record straight, though a supernatural element does exist in this novel, it merely exists to serve the aforementioned catalyst.  And, I might add, an intriguing twist.

The story deals with the complexities of human sexuality, the internal struggle a man faces in a society that tries to block the path he may have taken had he known it should have been open to him.  An inexplicable event in Johnny’s life exposes him to the most basic carnal instincts inherent in all of us, which point him toward the direction his sexuality would have led him had that door been open.  How all of this can affect a man’s life is the gristle and marrow of the story.

So if you’re looking for something to read, something about the drama of human emotion and sexuality, I hope you consider The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater.  It’s a tale you won’t soon forget.

Five Married Men . . . Reviewed

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From a member of MMA2oM (married men attracted 2 other men)

I just finished reading Five Married Men. It is a book that truly speaks for men like us. Here is my review, which I also submitted at Amazon:

Five Married Men is first-rate literary entertainment, and much more. If you are looking for summer reading that grabs your attention, this is it. This novel has believably likable characters, intricate plot development, romance, sex, drama, suspense, humor, and action. There’s something for everyone.

More importantly for me, Five Married Men is an honest discussion of male bisexuality. As a bisexual married man who has just recently come out of the closet, I found this book to be heart-breaking in its accurate portrayal of the challenges that face men like me and their wives. I can’t say how much Martin Brant writes from experience, from thorough research, or from an incredible imagination. But I can say, from MY experience, that his fictional characters are as real as the men I’ve met in support groups, chat groups, and bars. The emotional conflicts, the clandestine meeting arrangements, the fear of discovery that are described in the book are happening all around us every day.

Male bisexuality is marginalized in this country. Today’s pop psychologists tell us that there is no such thing as a bisexual man. Even the GLBT community struggles to understand us. It’s high time a book like Five Married Men was published. Maybe it will start some discussions that are overdue. Believe me, there are a lot more bisexual men walking around than you can imagine. If we all came out of the closet at once, the whole gay/straight dichotomy would go the way of the dinosaur.

Don’t think for a minute that this book is all gloomy and depressing. It is also very provocative. Because Mr. Brant develops the characters so well, the sex scenes are much steamier than typical gay or straight erotica. If the text doesn’t turn you on, you’ll at least feel empathy for the lovers.

Five Married Men is a novel that reassures bisexual men they are not alone, and educates the rest of society.

You can check out the first two chapters at the author’s website (check out the hot photos while you are there!): www.martinbrant.com

-BiMark