Certain Things Come Naturally

A different angle on understanding body acceptance, human sexuality and bisexual men.

Suppose you start with a clean slate. Suppose our many religions never got into the anti-sex business. Suppose it wouldn’t occur to us to tell young boys their penises are naughty and should always be covered. Wash away all the lifelong indoctrinations, the prejudices and the nurtured guilt. You would have a society where men could feel good about their own thoughts and see the world through a natural prism.

Such societies do exist, though they exist in the world’s remotest jungles. These people haven’t been taught to be ashamed of their bodies. They live their lives without clothes. I wonder how they perceive same-sex attractions. Not that I see these primitive worlds as dreamy Utopias. Who would want to give up electric lights and the Internet? I’m saying if we’re not taught that certain things come naturally, such as body acceptance and diversity in human sexuality, we could live our lives naturally. We could take off all our clothes at public beaches, play in the surf naked, enjoy our bodies with all their unique nuances, and the bodies of others without guilt or shame.

Men would not be frowned upon, mocked or threatened for thoughts that come to them naturally. The inherent desire for an intimate relationship with other men found in the majority of us would not be suppressed, or denied, or condemned. No, I don’t believe most men would be out pursuing intimacy with other men. Most would still be pursuing women. They would still have a desire to spend their lives with a woman, make a home and have children. But since their minds have been cleansed of the ancient and tiresome dogmas, certain circumstances bring on thoughts and ideas.

Two guys, coworkers, plan a camping weekend together, for example. They end up finding a spot in a seclude cove. They’ve been fishing all morning. It’s gotten hot so they decide to go for a swim. Off comes their clothes and they dive into the water, splash around and engage in a little horseplay. Neither has ever had a same-sex experience, nor have they sought one; yet the nudity, the close proximity, the inadvertent touching where they’ve never touched or been touched before becomes the catalyst for two erections. Certain curiosities evolve in their minds. Camaraderie and laughter turns into thoughtful gazes. Each realizes that he finds the other attractive, for a man that is. “Have you ever …” one asks the other, which opens the door for a little mutual exploring. Before day’s end, a friendship has reached a new level.

To carry the example a little further: as the weekend draws to a close, both men go home to their wives. Typically, based on testimonial I’ve read, these men returned to home with a heightened appreciation for their wives, a rekindled awareness of how much they love the women they married, yet they feel somewhat different about themselves, more rounded, more connected to life. It was a weekend a new memory was born, a weekend that brought Continue reading

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A Married Man and His Two Loves

A Question from a married man.

I have been married 45 years tomorrow 12/28. When I retired from an education career in 2007, I got into figure and portrait modeling. I also had a yen for erotic modeling, which I did. During some of those times, photographers played with me, and I loved it. Being a bit of an exhibitionist and a bit narcissistic I joined a number of male sites, e.g. silverdaddies and discreet. Got some attention. Met a few guys for sex. Now I have found a guy for whom I have grown very fond and am no longer interested in these sites I mentioned. Question: We have one son, who now has two little boys. Seeing how they poured all their love into the first child, they are doing beautifully sharing their love with the second child. It occurred to me that loving my wife and loving my new friend is something like a parent sharing love among children. Does this seem reasonable? possible? Contrary to your first line of advice, my wife does not know about my m2m experience or my new friend. What might be your thoughts on this sharing of love topic?

My reply:

Sounds like you have have a long, happy marriage, and a rewarding career. As it happens for so many guys in their later years, you have discovered the full extent of your sexuality. In a more perfect world, or at least a more understanding world, an intimate relationship with another man would be considered a natural wholesome circumstance, even for married guys. I have always believed a husband could be involved in an intimate relationship with another man without this being a reflection on how much he loves his wife.

But we don’t live in that world, and most wives can come nowhere near understanding a husband’s desire for a same-sex relationship. Most wives see it as betrayal and infidelity, thereby leaving you the choice of leading a secret life or going to your grave wondering what might have been. As I have stated before, it would be better if you could talk to your wife, have her understanding and at least her tacit approval of your friendship.

Knowing that’s not possible for most men, meaning probably you, and assuming you are being careful with your sexual explorations, I can’t find it within myself to discourage you from being who you are. If you were a young bisexual man about to propose to your girlfriend, I would say talk to her before you marry her. Make sure she knows who you are and what she is getting into. But in your case you’ve had a long time-honored marriage. After 45 years your wife knows how much you are devoted to her. Plus the years have provided time to evaluate your sexuality which has likely evolved. You have earned the right to live the  years that you have left as you wish, as does your wife.

I see your point about sharing your love between your wife and your friend equally, as you and your son have done between your children, but the conflict in this comparison is that the love for your children wasn’t built on a foundation of wedding vows. That leaves men like us in situations where we have to firmly believe we are essentially fair men that are simply faced with dealing with circumstances that most people cannot fathom, let alone understand. Therefore, being true to ourselves helps us to be true to those we love, even if it means we must keep a few secrets.

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Discreetly Looking For Anal Sex

A question from a bisexual married man.

I am a bisexual married man. I have never given or received anal sex,but I am curious as to what it feels like. I truly love my wife and I do no want to hurt her. I am from Pittsburgh I am 55 years old and in very good shape. How do I discreetly go about finding some one around 45 or older to have casual sex? Preferably married?

My reply:

Few are more liberal than me when it comes to human sexuality, but the bonds of marriage cast a whole different light on the issue of male bisexuality. By asking this question you are asking me to condone your desire to do something behind your wife’s back that amounts to infidelity, which is something I can’t condone. Therefore, you’ll not like my primary answer, but I’ll give it to you anyway.

Marriage is a sacred trust between two people. Break that trust and you will have lost your most cherished possession, and you’ll never get it back. You may even lose your wife, not to mention the risks of STDs to both of you. I hate to sound like a preacher, but it’s important for you to weigh the consequences of what you are contemplating.

At the same time your urges are natural, something you and many other men were born with, urges that usually become more compelling as we grow older. The best course of action is to figure out a way to talk to your wife, to let her know you are bisexual and would like to have a like-minded friend, preferably a married friend. After a long ride on an emotional roller coaster, perhaps you and your wife can come to terms, while at the same time you have been honest with her. And even though it’s not the same thing, you might even be able to introduce the notion of having anal sex with her, as both the giver and receiver. The only other honest option is to accept the fact you have committed yourself to a marriage, and then resolve to quietly live out your life without knowing what it’s like to experience anal intercourse.

That said, it’s advice that’s so often not practical. Because of your wife’s sensibilities and/or her upbringing, she simply may not be able to accept your bisexuality, yet for you the desire to be with a man only grows stronger. And since you love your wife and want to grow old with her, you face the dilemma of doing something that seems natural to you and won’t hurt her if she doesn’t find out. A large percentage of men who are in the same boat will act on their urges.

Since that sounds like you, and you have reason to be discreet, I recently posted an article on a website called Dizcreet, a social networking site for bisexual men, and a good place to meet a friend. You could check it out, but before you do, think long and hard about the potentially life-changing event you are thinking about. You may meet a new friend and find out what anal sex is like, but you will also have to live with lying to your wife. Even if you didn’t get caught, there are consequences you will have to live with.

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The Impact of a Bisexual Husband on a Marriage.

The bisexual husband: his perspective is different from his wife’s.

The men in my novel Five Married Men not only recognize their bisexuality, they give in to their urges and act on them. Since their wives have typical perspectives on this issue, the men set up secret lives camouflaged by a system of lies. Though their wives would see their secret rendezvous as betrayal and infidelity, the men fully believe their physical intimacy with each other is apart from their marriages, and is no reflection on how much they cherish the women they married. But they know their wives would never it this way.

What begins as largely a physical attraction, soon becomes a deep emotional bond, something that fills a void in their lives, which is in addition to the love they have for their women. All of the factors in Five Married Men are not necessarily typical of married bisexual men. They are, however, things married bisexual men think about, even fantasize about, just not things they would necessarily do. In a strong loving marriage built on a foundation of time and honesty, most bisexual married men would not consider lying to their wives, let alone get involved with another man. Still, for him, something will always be missing. That’s the nature of this beast.

Therein lies a lifetime of conflicts, conflicts that often intensify as a man grows older. As the years go by, countless notions and scenarios pass through a bisexual man’s mind. While many bisexual married men can and will live out their lives scarcely impacted by their secret, more than a few find themselves wrestling with a relentless phantom. Many will contemplate talking to their wives about their bisexuality. But how would she take it? What would it do to our marriage? They think about how nice it would be to have a like-minded friend, someone to talk to, maybe even touch and participate with in some mutual exploring. They reason it all out: it wouldn’t hurt anything if she didn’t find out. It wouldn’t make me love her any less. They believe to act on their urges on some level would address their needs without harming anyone, certainly not their marriages.

But often the wife will inevitably find out. Perhaps she senses a change in his behavior, or notices something on his computer, or perhaps he will decide to confess. It’s like a bomb going off on her emotions. Very little could possibly impact her less. She is stunned, angry and confused all at the same time. She can’t believe her husband is interested in men … he’s not like that. She is shocked that he lied to her. Why didn’t he tell me before now, before we got married? She worries her marriage has been destroyed, that he will leave her for a man.

The confessions of a bisexual husband.The problem here is the two utterly different perspectives. Whereas the wife has had a bombshell go off in her life, it’s something the husband has lived with and pondered many years. To her it’s a total disaster; to him everything is essentially normal. This is where the husband has the responsibility put his perspective on hold and be especially mindful of his wife’s emotions. Understand and share her hurt. Giver her time. Let her express her emotions without arguing with them. Just listen while she vents. Find opportunities to reassure her. Let her know his love for her hasn’t changed, that he no longer wants to hide who he is from her, that he wants her to love him despite his bisexuality.

So why didn’t he tell you before you married him? First of, he should have told you. But he didn’t. Maybe because he was afraid you wouldn’t understand, that you wouldn’t marry him. Or he might have honestly believed his love for you would neutralize his bisexuality. It might have been because he was young and still ashamed of the same-sex urges he felt due of his upbringing. Also, being young and in love, a giddy time in anyone’s life, he was probably too caught up in how he felt about you to even be thinking about those errant fantasies about men. Whatever his reason, a new hand has been dealt and the wife now has to not only deal with it, but also figured out which direction her marriage should go.

Days or weeks after the initial shock wears off, the time eventually comes to sensibly talk it out, to reestablish the marriage under new circumstances and mutually agree to the parameters. Those parameters will vary radically from one couple to the next. Most wives will not want to share their husband with anyone, period. Most women, though they are able to accept their husbands bisexuality, they will not be able to accept his acting on it, no matter what. She will want a commitment from him to agree to this, which gives the husband virtually no choice … he had made this pledge in his wedding vows. Then she will likely want to put the matter out of her mind and back into the closet. I believe, if the marriage is built on a solid, loving foundation, most men will love their wives enough to play by the rules. Even then, in time, a woman’s point-of-view and attitude may evolve.

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Some women will see things differently. Some women will graciously accept their husband’s bisexuality, see it in a positive light, want to know more, have many questions. Again, there are as many variations of acceptance as there are women. Acceptance may end with simple curiosity, coupled with his assurance to remain faithful. But as you can see by the pol (above) results, for some women acceptance goes further than curiosity. Continue reading

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I Want To Be A Good Husband

I have no physical relations with my wife because of my sexuality. I had a relationship with a man before my wife and I married and now I feel alone and miss him very much. But I also want to be a good husband. How can I improve my marriage? (edited for clarity)

My Reply:

This is a heart breaker for both you and your wife. I suspect there are a good many marriages devoid of intimacy for any number of reasons. Often it’s because the husband realizes he is no longer attracted to his wife, but is attracted to men. In many cases he still loves her. Loving someone powerfully often has little or nothing to do with sexual attraction. Plus he may like the idea of being married and living a traditional life, even if sex in not part of the equation.

There is not a likely winning solution for you. You have three choices. You can go on living your life the way it is now in a state of quiet desperation, keeping your emotions bottled up inside. Or you can leave your wife and seek out a man, perhaps even the one you had the past relationship with. Or you can talk to your wife, tell her about the man in your past and your attraction to men. By talking to her, at least the two of you will hopefully have an understanding. And she’ll know your lack of interest in her body isn’t her fault. If she can’t abide being married to a gay or bisexual man, you’ll have to deal with your marriage ending. Very sad scenario. But if that were to happen, in the end the two of you will be better off.

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The Female Perspective of Bisexual Men

Bisexual men. There are far more of them than most people think. Why don’t we know more about them and who they are? Simple: most guys are very good about hiding it. Either the guy doesn’t want to admit it, even to himself, or he knows it’s a very good secret to keep. He assumes women would be put off, or think he’s not masculine. Most likely because he prefers women and believes his bisexuality is inconsequential, therefore it’s not necessary to divulge that side of him. If he’s found the girl he wants to marry, he doesn’t tell her because he fears what she’ll think, or fears she won’t marry him, or perhaps he doesn’t yet realize how formidable his bisexuality can be.

I strongly believe men should tell their prospective wives about their sexuality before the marriage. Women have a right to know. Putting the shoe on the other foot, not telling her is like finding out she is a compulsive gambler after you marry her. By telling her, the two of you can establish the parameters she will be able to accept. Your marriage will begin on a foundation of honesty. You will avoid much more difficult challenges of her finding out after the marriage.

The following pols are designed to show women’s perspectives on male bisexuality.

What is your position on male bisexuality?

Assume you find yourself in the following scenario:

You’ve met a guy you are attracted to, and he’s obviously attracted to you. After a few dates you both realize you love spending time together. Not only do you think he’s beautiful, you’ve come to know him quite well. You’ve slept with him. You admire his intelligence and sense of ambition. You love his sensitivity, his ability to listen, his willingness to express his emotions, and his understanding of women. Then, just as your relationship starts showing signs of becoming serious, he tells you he is bisexual.

The guy you're dating and love being with tells you he is bisexual.

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The guy you are falling in love with tells you he has a workout buddy that he's intimate with, and wants to keep when he gets married.

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A Wife’s Perspective On Her Bisexual Husband

As told by her husband’s intimate friend:

I am exclusively gay. And I will not insult your intelligence by saying that I am monogamous. I’m not. BUT every man with whom I have relations knows I am not monogamous and that I am not looking. Why am I writing? I had a phenomenal experience a few days ago which blew me away – in every sense. I have a regular sex partner who called and invited me to lunch – he said he had a surprise for me. He is divorced, has children, and has lived with his present girl friend for almost 10 years. She was with him at lunch! Holy Hell! What was I to do? She was there, at her request, to tell me that she’d learned of her boyfriend’s bisexuality and she wanted to thank me – yes, THANK ME – for making him a more thoughtful and satisfying partner! With me he is a total bottom. We have oral sex, then I am the top, or the active member of the sex. She says that his being my bottom has taught him how to satisfy and to please her more than he ever has before. So gentlemen, please, please keep reading the other comments, observations and informative literature in this website. If you are bisexual man please know that there are ways to make it acceptable or at least tolerable to your wife. If you are a woman, please know that accommodation can be made without threatening your marriage. HE DOES LOVE YOU – but in order to be at peace himself he has needs which have to be met in ways which are outside the box. Love him, be tolerant, and you can build a stronger marriage!

This remarkable perspective is beyond understanding for most women that find out their husband’s are bisexual and have a special friend. Most women would be devastated and feel betrayed. And that’s natural, especially since she was deprived being told about her husband’s bisexuality before she married him.

However, in time and with effort it’s a perspective that can be achieved, thereby not only saving a happy marriage but strengthening it in a compelling way. A wife can get beyond the pain and sense of betrayal, realize her husband is the same man she has always known, and come to understand that for him what he’s doing is natural, that it does not reflect on his marriage or detract from how much he cherishes her. In fact, understanding her husband, allowing him to be who he is and explore his bisexuality, will instead increase his love, and like the husband in the article, he will show it in many ways.

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After 18 Years My Husband Confessed He’s Bisexual

 Confused doesn’t know what to do about her bisexual husband:

My husband told me 3 weeks ago that he’s bi. We’ve been married for 18 years and have 2 boys. I’ve been through so many emotions over these weeks from sadness grief anger to name just a few.

He’s only had some male experience as a teen and watches porn and has visited a theatre with glory holes where he put his hand in and touched a male.

We’re both having individual counseling, my first session is tomorrow. I’m so confused and angry and feel that by not telling me before we were married he hasn’t let me decide. I love him and our relationship has been really good until now buy feel like its all been a lie.

I’ve done so much reading and I can only see that I’ll have to make so many compromises to keep him. He says he doesn’t know what he wants, how he doesn’t know after all these years I don’t know, or if we stay together how can he be happy if I can’t get my head around his male needs.

The easiest thing to do is for me to leave but then what if we could live happily ever after!!

So confused

My reply:

First let me say that nothing in your eighteen year marriage has changed. All the good things that happened are real and your husband is the same man he has always been. The difference is that you found out something about him you didn’t know, an element of his persona that for myriad reasons he has kept secret.

Depending on how he plans to address his ‘needs’, he will always be the same man if the two of you decide to grow old together. If he plans to act on his same-sex needs, you have to decide if his intentions go beyond what you can accept as a wife. It’s likely he doesn’t Continue reading

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Confused Romance

From a lady visiting Enlightened Male:

I love a man so much. He is my best friend. When he calls me I stop breathing, when he’s hurt I can hear it in his voice. I moved to be close to him but by me consenting to things I knew were wrong I’d have ended up being another woman who sold my soul for a lifestyle. My heart aches for him. He says he loves me, he calls me wifey….but I know…and he knows I know…so how can I love him for who and what he is? I have a daughter and a son, I never thought in my LIFE I’d have to make this decision. But I don’t see my life without him either. He knows me, and I know he does. He tries to push me away because he just can’t “say it”…how do I let him know I am willing to love him through it? I want to provide him the love “only a woman” can give. I don’t think he feels he deserves it. But he does because he’s so amazing…Just wanted to share and possibly get feedback. Thank you. I do believe in God and this may sound crazy to some, but I feel as though God told me to love him, unconditionally and that’s exactly what intend to do…unless he ever hit me, which I know in my heart would never ever happen. He’s my best friend, my soul-mate, we make each other better, but he pushes me away when I pull the lets get married card. Advice please? I’ve loved him since 2005, my son is 12 and daughter is 15 and we need a father. I don;t feel I should have to tell him that, if he wanted to step up he just would, am I right? How should I approach this?

My reply:

You personify what I mean when I talk about the power of a woman’s love. The emotions you have expressed are heartfelt and moving. The conflicts you are suffering are palpable. I assume you are saying your guy is bisexual or gay.

Your choices are these: 1) Leave him and seek a partner who causes less emotional conflict. 2) Continue on your present course and probably face these same questions the rest of your life. 3) Confront him with the insistence that the relationship must change. You’ve already let too many years go by to let things stay the same. He should be willing to come off dead center considering the fact that most bisexual men and some gay men would like to have a traditional life and family.

If you go with the third choice, the outcome will be unpredictable. As you implied, he has already trained you to back off by pushing you away, but you can’t back down. Tell him flat out that you know he is bisexual/gay and you accept it along with the consequences, among them knowing he will always be attracted to other men. If one of you is to change your basic perspectives, it will not be him. You will have to figure out where you fit in in the scheme of things. You may have to accept him on his own terms because it’s not him insisting on marriage, even if he would like to be married to you.

You might even consider being part of his adventures with other men, which may include threesomes. That may be a difficult step considering your religion and probable upbringing, but it seems to work well for a good number of women, provided the two of you can agree to some mutually acceptable ground rules.

Whatever you decide, I can only say that I hope the best for you. Any woman that loves so powerfully deserves happiness with the right man.

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A Wife Trying to Deal With Her Husband’s Bisexuality

Tara read an article on this site recently: From a Wife With a Bisexual Husband. She responded with this testimonial:

I needed to read this article today. My husband is bisexual and I’ve known it since day one of meeting him. We met at a gay bar. From the beginning of our relationship, we promised to be monogamous. I never had any trust issues with him until I discovered him seeking out sexual interaction with men behind my back within our first year of dating and attempting to hide it. This was 3 years ago, and I still don’t think I am over it. I am terrified he will do it again or is and I just don’t know about it. Recently, I found some suspicious internet activity that parallels his first time cheating. When I asked him about it, he became defensive and said he’s not doing anything. I can’t stop twisting my mind around the possible things I imagine him doing; I feel so lost, consumed in these thoughts, and angry. He said that actually partaking in homosexual acts was just a phase that is out of his life; however, he does admit that he is still attracted to men.

I understand we have trust issues… I’m not sure if I believe that he wasn’t interacting with men again. But what if he really hasn’t done anything? How can I get past this? I love my husband so incredibly much, but don’t know if I can handle him being with a man. It makes me feel so worthless, like I’m not enough for him, like I could never be/have what he needs.

This article made me cry and consider letting my guard down, allowing my anger to lessen…but what if I can’t be as supportive to my husband’s “needs” as the author of this article? I just don’t want to be made a fool of and have him going behind my back. But I also don’t want to ruin our marriage by convincing myself that he is more into guys and cheating on me when he is not. Could I handle being okay with an open marriage? Probably not. But is this something I even need to worry about–he claims to not want to be with anyone else? I’m just very confused and find myself completely in the following excerpt:

“You will need to be sensitive and allow your spouse to have days when they are angry at you and cannot put into words why. They will have days when they don’t want you around because they need to be able to process things without you. There will be days full of tears and not necessarily any reason behind them. You will find that every issue ends up coming back to the “gay/bi thing”. It is hard to differentiate whether you are angry that your spouse didn’t take out the garbage or because of the “gay/bi thing”.”

I don’t want to punish my husband for who he is, but am I punishing myself for staying and (what feels like) compromising myself?

My Reply:

Countless women in otherwise very good marriages have found themselves in this situation, though most aren’t aware of the fiance’s bisexuality when they marry them. Whether the bombshell is ever dropped during the course of the marriage, or not, these Continue reading

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