Tag Archives: Bisexual Husbands

Bisexuality … One Woman’s Challenge

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I often hear from women that are grappling with their husband’s or boyfriend’s bisexuality. Often their story touches my soul. Pam’s challenge for example. She has been going with her boyfriend for five years, basically a marriage when it comes to affairs of the heart. Three years in, she learned her boyfriend has had a quickie with another woman, which led to his confession about his bisexuality and his countless encounters with men.

Here are Pam’s own words:

“I stumbled on your website and signed up immediately after reading your pages on bisexuality. My boyfriend is bisexual and it took nearly 3 years before he told me about it. We have been together for five years.

His experiences in our relationship were frequent anonymous encounters with men and occasionally a female, but his attraction is mainly to men. When he told me about it, it came about after I discovered he has slept with another woman. Telling me that it was rare for him to be with another woman, left me extremely hurt because I didn’t believe him. But, when he told me about being with other men and that he had been with hundreds, I realized we had a more than his bisexuality to discuss. Continue reading →

Jered’s Story

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Jered is not an artist, an intellectual or a poet … he’s just a beautiful man in mind, body and soul, a man like so many of us. From an early age he’s felt a little different. Seeing himself as straight, he had certain curiosities, but nothing came of it, until . . . his story follows in his own words.

I am 36 years old, and have always felt slightly different. Growing up, I had curiosities, but nothing more. I lost my virginity at 14, and have always been very horny and lustful since. I always had the curious thought, but never had a chance to act on it. I think it led up through several milestones or experiences.

I picked up the trade as a carpenter very young, and still practice as a hobby. At age 23, I was working on a man’s house, who was kind of feminine, my first experience around a gay man.

He flirted with me, which opened new windows for my imagination. Nothing happened, I didn’t even know what to think at the time. Then a couple of years later, I was remodeling a gay man’s condo, and was exposed to some gay porn, which reinvigorated my previous curiosities.

Nothing happened there either, just the male mind swimming with thoughts. I was married during both times, and we ended up divorcing later for other reasons. After which, I became desperate to give in to the curiosity, which led me to a cruising spot by a lake, where I received and gave my first blow job to a complete stranger.

Realizing the danger in that kind of activity, I backed away from it all together. By this point, I had moved on from working as a carpenter to selling lumber, and spent a lot of time in customers offices. I became friends with an openly gay male, at a customers office. He would flirt, and I would respond that I was straight, but I always had questions for him. This is the big changing moment for me…… One night, he had a football party, and invited some co-workers and myself over to watch a big game. After the game everyone left, but I had a few too many beers, and volunteered to stay, and help clean up, in hopes to sober up some, and drive home.

After we got everything cleaned up, he went to the bedroom, and came back out naked, and completely hard! He came over to me and grabbed my crotch. I resisted at first, but Continue reading →

Bisexuality … the Blessing & the Curse

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The Messy Realities of Bisexuality

Bisexuality lacks clarity between attraction, behavior and identity.

Published on July 5, 2011 by Loren A. Olson, M.D. in Finally Out

When I searched Twitter for “bisexuality” I found this: “Bisexuality is the ability to reach down someone’s pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.” I once defined it (less colorfully) on my blog, MagneticFire. I wrote, “Bisexuality is being sexually attracted equally to both men and women.”

The response was swift and furious. “Am I defined accurately as bisexual only if I have one ejaculation with a woman for every ejaculation I have with a man?” I was accused of being a poor scientist and unfamiliar with the literature on bisexuality. My definition was considered far too restrictive. One bisexual man wrote that a bisexual could be any of the following:

• Straight-identified married men who have surreptitious sex with other men.

• Single men with steady girlfriends

• Divorced men who partner with another man but remain attracted to women

• Transgender persons and their transgender partners

• Men in polyamorous relationships.

That is a very large umbrella! I could cop out and say that labels are useless and this discussion is meaningless, but labels are essential for research and important for the development of a sense of belonging. Within the LGBT community, not only are the L, the G, the B and the T distinct from one another, but each can be divided into multiple sub-populations.

The term “bisexuality” lacks clarity about the differences between attraction, behavior or self-identity. Many scientists prefer a definition based exclusively on attraction because behavior and identity are more fluid. For some behavior and self-definitions may evolve over time. Lisa Diamond in Sexual Fluidity has suggested that a shifting of sexual intimacy is more common in women than in men; that is consistent with my clinical experience. As I described in, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I began life believing I was a heterosexual man, went through a brief period of believing I might be bisexual, and now am completely confident that I am a gay man. Once I aligned my sexual attraction, sexual behavior and my self-identity, the dissonance I had felt for much of my life disappeared.

I recently had a conversation with a married man who described himself as bisexual. I asked him if his attraction to men and women was equal. He affirmed that it was. I then asked, “How do you commit to one person if you must give up 50 percent of who you are?” He responded, “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I want to have kids and grandchildren.” I then asked him if he was sexually attracted to his wife or if his attraction was based on his attraction to the privileges of the traditional one man, one woman, and monogamy. He agreed that he was sexually attracted to men but socially attracted to his wife.

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Male Sexuality…The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater

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My novel, The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater, deals with primordial issue of male bisexuality. Happily married, believing he had consigned his attraction to other men to his days in college, Johnny crosses paths with Cassandra Mott. Once his departed grandmother’s lover, she has come back from the past for reasons of her own, using the irresistible beauty of her brother to reawaken the urges Johnny has long since ignored. The supernatural elements of this tale are the catalysts that propel him down a mystifying road of self-identity. You’ll feel his emotions as Johnny grapples with his sexuality, what he views as both a blessing and a curse. You’ll wonder about the direction he may go. And you might even identify with him.

 

From Logunede Jones on Amazon

I thoroughly enjoyed The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater. Savannah (Georgia) and Kenya come alive in author Martin Brant’s descriptions. The diverse cast of characters is compelling, and the suspense is built-in by the multi-sensorial descriptions of a haunted house filled with a range of unsettling beings, and by the question of what kind of intriguing “debauchery” Johnny will be coerced into next!

Johnny stumbles into a sticky web of relationships between his wife Marilee, the otherworldly siblings Julian and Cassandra, and his new friend Brian. Ultimately he realizes an important difference–love–between the nature of his relationship with Brian and that of his relationship with Julian. Marilee opens up to her body and its responses thanks to Johnny, and Johnny finally learns the reason for Cassandra’s revenge.

The ending is a terrific wham/bam whirl, with one surprise after another in the last few pages, including a main character’s deus-ex-machina solution, very nicely done.

The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater is a portentous and philosophical novel, not to be confused with barely-sketched characters ripping each others’ pants off. Sure there’s sex: the erotic massage scene is riveting, and the leather “heathen” sequence appropriately disgusting yet compelling! But beyond this, Brant’s writing expertly explores the “haunting” of bisexuality: a phantom sex hovering in the wings, an obsession never completely conquered in the heft and smell of remembered flesh. At times the novel seems to confirm the common perception that bisexuality is merely the mid-life crisis of married men who realize they’re gay. But at other times, we read and understand the circumstances of characters for whom bisexuality is not a transitional phase, but a way of life.

Highly recommended, suspenseful, beautiful writing.

Available on Kindle or paperback here.

From a Wife With a Bisexual Husband

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For some of us Mother Nature deals unusual cards when it comes to our genes. We’re born and the day comes we realize we’re attracted to both sexes. Call it an anomaly if you want, but for a surprisingly high percentage of us, it is very real. Bisexuality, no matter how a person chooses to deal with it, is an ever-present phantom in one’s life. If you happen to be a man and have chosen to spend your life with a woman, bisexuality can haunt you for your entire life, not that you don’t love and cherish her.  No matter how much you love her, something important is missing. If you’re the woman married to this man and love him dearly, you face a unique and difficult challenge, though it’s a challenge that can be overcome.

As a gift to Mr. Rob for this Christmas season, his wife wrote this piece for his blog: The Bi-married Mafia

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My journey has been filled with so many ups and downs, but what journey isn’t. The ups and downs are not just limited to unique relationships like ours. And I have come to realize ours is not the only “unique” relationship out there. You have to do what you need to do to make it work for you. I had to stop comparing things to others’ relationships or to what I had always believed to be “the norm”. “Normal” is such a subjective word anyway. What is “normal” for one isn’t for another. My journey….still an ongoing process. But I believe that any relationship that is growing is an ongoing process. The moment we stop growing is the time we need to worry.

Before we were married, my husband told me about his attractions to men. Both of us felt it was not something that we needed to worry about. We were young and very involved in a church which taught this was something that you could overcome. We were in love.

A few years ago, my husband brought it up again. He had an incredible void in his life which needed to be filled…a void which could not be filled by me. I could see the pain and struggle he was in. Not that I was lacking anything…no one person can fill everything in one person’s life. In my naiveté, I thought this could be filled with a “gay best friend” and I encouraged it. I have always given my husband every freedom to be. I try not to stand in his way of expressing himself and finding out who he was meant to be, knowing that is important to him. But I also had understood that we were in a monogamous relationship and not once did my mind wander to him being with a man physically. This was not something that I worried about. Neither of us was wired to cheat on the other. We had our ups and downs, but this just wasn’t something that would “happen to us”.

He did find this best friend. They hung out and did things together. This man became very important to my husband and even became part of our family. We would vacation together and hang out on holidays. Their relationship was filled with ups and downs, but I assumed it was due to the fact they were both strong personalities. After about 3 years, the relationship ended. It was at that time that my husband confided in me the extent of their relationship.

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My Best Novel?

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When I’m asked which of my novels is my favorite, I’m hard pressed to give an answer.  In one way or another, I’m attached to all of them.  I’m sure most writers are.  I can, however, talk about the one I think is best.  Though it sells the fewest copies, it’s The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater.

There are a number of reasons for this; primarily it’s the unconventional way this story is told.  Like countless men in the world today, Johnny Feelwater comes to a point in his life he has to face the powerful laws of genetics, the laws that concern his sexuality.  The reason I use the term unconventional is because of the catalyst involved that puts him in this predicament, i.e. his so-called haunting; which I think may be the reason this novel doesn’t sell as well as the others.  Readers looking for an emotional human drama might, based on the title, pass on this story thinking it is more typical of books written in the supernatural genre.  Setting the record straight, though a supernatural element does exist in this novel, it merely exists to serve the aforementioned catalyst.  And, I might add, an intriguing twist.

The story deals with the complexities of human sexuality, the internal struggle a man faces in a society that tries to block the path he may have taken had he known it should have been open to him.  An inexplicable event in Johnny’s life exposes him to the most basic carnal instincts inherent in all of us, which point him toward the direction his sexuality would have led him had that door been open.  How all of this can affect a man’s life is the gristle and marrow of the story.

So if you’re looking for something to read, something about the drama of human emotion and sexuality, I hope you consider The Strange Haunting of Johnny Feelwater.  It’s a tale you won’t soon forget.

Five Married Men . . . Reviewed

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From a member of MMA2oM (married men attracted 2 other men)

I just finished reading Five Married Men. It is a book that truly speaks for men like us. Here is my review, which I also submitted at Amazon:

Five Married Men is first-rate literary entertainment, and much more. If you are looking for summer reading that grabs your attention, this is it. This novel has believably likable characters, intricate plot development, romance, sex, drama, suspense, humor, and action. There’s something for everyone.

More importantly for me, Five Married Men is an honest discussion of male bisexuality. As a bisexual married man who has just recently come out of the closet, I found this book to be heart-breaking in its accurate portrayal of the challenges that face men like me and their wives. I can’t say how much Martin Brant writes from experience, from thorough research, or from an incredible imagination. But I can say, from MY experience, that his fictional characters are as real as the men I’ve met in support groups, chat groups, and bars. The emotional conflicts, the clandestine meeting arrangements, the fear of discovery that are described in the book are happening all around us every day.

Male bisexuality is marginalized in this country. Today’s pop psychologists tell us that there is no such thing as a bisexual man. Even the GLBT community struggles to understand us. It’s high time a book like Five Married Men was published. Maybe it will start some discussions that are overdue. Believe me, there are a lot more bisexual men walking around than you can imagine. If we all came out of the closet at once, the whole gay/straight dichotomy would go the way of the dinosaur.

Don’t think for a minute that this book is all gloomy and depressing. It is also very provocative. Because Mr. Brant develops the characters so well, the sex scenes are much steamier than typical gay or straight erotica. If the text doesn’t turn you on, you’ll at least feel empathy for the lovers.

Five Married Men is a novel that reassures bisexual men they are not alone, and educates the rest of society.

You can check out the first two chapters at the author’s website (check out the hot photos while you are there!): www.martinbrant.com

-BiMark

The Long Road of Self-Discovery

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From a husband in India; a story that sounds familiar.

I’m a 32 yr old Indian guy, from quite a conservative background with 3 small children. I’ve been married for 5 years now, and am quite close to my wife.

I’m bi, and would say that I am more attracted to guys than women. However, I have been lucky to feel attracted to my wife and kids-allowing, have a satisfactory sex life.

I’ve never been with a guy in my life, though I have used lots of gay porn on the internet, have met a few guys socially from gay personals site ( and now having a few close gay friends I am out to), and have done webcam sex twice with strangers on the net (mixed feelings :-) ).

I haven’t been with a guy but it is not out of lack of opportunity (most of my gay friends tell me I am quite attractive, and have even expressed desire in exploring with me if I am willing). There are a few reasons that I haven’t but one of the main has been that it is important to me to remain honest and keep my wife’s trust in my marriage. I see myself as a bad liar, and wouldn’t be able to hide it for long if I did cheat.

After 5 years of marriage, and at a stage where we are both settling down career-wise and family life is becoming stable, I have felt that the time is right, and have outed myself to her voluntarily. I think my worst nightmare is that she finds out from someone else. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you (as my gay friends don’t get this concept) but it is important to me that I am authentic in my marriage, both in the sense that i can be me as I am, and also that I am not keeping secrets from my wife, irrespective of how dark and horrible they are (I’d say this is quite high up that ranking of darkness).

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Are Bi-married Men Normal?

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From the poll taken at The Bi-Married Mafia

The results of our online Poll for bi/gay men married to a woman.

In my initial posting we asked “whether you were normal?” Whether there actually is some measureable semblance of “normal” is to be debated. Whether these responses give us an idea of the normal gay/bi married men is also up for debate. Still we have just over 1280 bi/gay married men respond to the poll. Below are their responses and a few conclusions drawn from those responses.

So first WHO are the men that responded to our survey? They are men that are married to women (or common-law). 68% of our respondents were American another 24% are Canadian with the remaining 9% coming from Europe and Australia.

90% of our respondents are currently married (common-law 84% married, 6% common-law) with 8% now divorced and 2% widowed. The average age of our respondents was 45 years old with 25% being between 20 and 39 years of age and 35% in their 40’s and the remaining 39% being above 50.

83% grew up in a conservative or traditional home and 50% of them grew up under an active religious tradition. Now that they are married only 24% have remained religious with the majority living in liberal homes.

ORIENTATION

We asked, “What do you consider your orientation to be at this time?” 77% of our respondents self identified as “bisexual.”

Straight 1%

Straight but Curious 5%

Bisexual but inclined Heterosexual 16%

Bisexual (Equal Desires for Men & Women) 21%

Bisexual but incline Homosexual 40%

Homosexual but in Hiding 10%

Homosexual 7%

Of these respondents less than half (47%), had actually engaged in same sex activity with another male BEFORE they married. A further 35% were aware of their interest or were curious about sex with another male. It would seem that the majority of men went into their marriages realizing that there was an interest in same sex activity within their personhood (with 82% coming to a realization of their same sex orientation before marriage.)

So now married… what do wives really know of their husband’s orientation? Surprisingly, of the men surveyed, 31% of the wives actually know that their husbands are bi/gay. Not surprisingly 37% of the men conclude that their wives have absolutely no idea of their husband’s orientation. The remaining belongs to spouses that “may wonder” or “perhaps know.”

We asked if these men were at peace with their orientation.

19% answered negatively

19% answered “sometimes”

61% answered positively

We asked does a wife have a right to know about a husband’s orientation? 35% of respondents answered with an adamant “yes”, 13% answered an adamant “no.” The majority (52%) simply did “not know how to answer that question.”

SEXUAL PRACTICES AND ACTIVITIES

I have learned when discussing sexual activity with men, one has to clearly define WHAT sex is. It seems that men have incredibly different understandings of what denotes sex. Some do not consider mutual masturbation as sex; some do not consider oral sex as “sex.” Some conclude that it is only sex when there is anal sex happening. For the purposes of this survey we have chosen to label ALL of the above as “sexual activity.” In other words, “sex” is when one respondent actually touched the genitals of another male.

Of the actual sex practices of gay/bi married men… a full 78% of men HAVE stepped out on their marriages and participated in sex with another male.

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