Tag Archives: Bisexual Husbands

Married Men With Another Life to Live

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This article from the Washington Post reflects insight into the minds of bisexual married men, along with the amazing variety  of ways they deal with their dilemma.

By Jose Antonio Vargas

Washington Post Staff Writer

Listen to Bill, 71, a retired lobbyist in New Mexico:

“I’m probably the oldest of the callers, and I’ve been involved, off and on with men — discounting my Boy Scout and teenage years — since I was in my forties. I am married.”

John N. Craig of Fairfax runs a phone network and support group for closeted men who struggle to balance private yearnings with their public image. (Lucian Perkins — The Washington Post)

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Listen to another Bill, 55, from Boston:

“There’s so many of us out there, it seems like it’s very, very good to communicate and support one another. . . . I feel like a typical male with an extra bonus, perhaps. My wife does not know.”

The Bills (along with Steve from New York, Joe from western Massachusetts, a nonprofit executive from the Washington area who won’t give his first name and a preacher from Toronto who also won’t give his first name) leave three- to five-minute voice messages, once or twice a week, in a “Voice RoundTable” created and facilitated by John N. Craig of Fairfax. Callers also listen to the others’ messages, making this a support group built around an answering machine, where no one interacts live.

That’s not all. Since 1990, Craig has organized dozens of three-day and one-day conferences for more than 200 complex closeted cases, white bisexual and gay men (where, exactly, is the line?) who are predominately in their forties, fifties and sixties. He has advertised for these gatherings — held in California, New York, Georgia, Ohio, Illinois, New Mexico and Massachusetts — in magazines such as the Atlantic Monthly, the New Republic and Harper’s.

Most participants are married.

Many have grown children.

Most hold high-ranking, leadership jobs.

That this is confidential with a capital C is understandable.

Craig, 52, is openly bisexual and holds a master’s degree in social work. “I’m strongly sexually attracted to men. I’m strongly attracted to women,” he says, sitting at a coffee shop on 14th Street NW yesterday morning. He was still trying to make sense of the spectacular disclosure Thursday by New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey — twice married with two daughters — that he is gay.

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Cristy’s Concern About Her Bisexual Boyfriend

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Many bisexual males ultimately opt for traditional marriage, which is usually to a straight bride.  Many of them keep their sexuality secret, in some cases their entire lives.   A growing number are telling their prospective wives about their bisexuality, which is often shrugged off by the woman, only to rear it’s psychologically intrusive head further down the road.  This problem is related to society’s overall attitude toward sexual diversity.

The following is a typical scenario

BY Sasha, From Eye Weekly.com

I thought your take on why so many people believe bisexuals to be less monogamous was thoughtful and interesting. However, as someone who’s been in long-term, monogamous relationship with a bisexual man, I think you missed the real reason for these insecurities. I thought I was completely fine with my boyfriend’s bisexuality but what started to gnaw at me after a while was the fact that by committing to me he would never be able to enjoy that other side of himself. Sure, I could give him all the vag in the world but I could never satisfy his desire for cock. It creates an insecurity that really is twice as dramatic as a heterosexual couple. Where before I only had to worry about women hitting on my man, now I have to be worried about guys as well. Not to mention that the longer one goes without something, the stronger their desire for it becomes. I’m not saying these fears are rational, but it’s where the mind goes sometimes, especially when trust is not a strong part of the relationship.

He can’t just turn off his attraction to men – I mean, can he really ignore those feelings forever or as long as we’re together? I think it’s more about feeling you can never fully satisfy your partner and for many, cheating is the next logical step in that equation. Cristy

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The Reply:

You bring up a salient point about how, when we pursue a traditional relationship model with an atypical partner, we behave as though we are entitled – obliged, in fact – to feel insecure. Andrea Zanin, who conducts workshops internationally about non-monogamy, speaks to this tendency eloquently: “Most of us are raised within and completely immersed in the institution of heterosexuality. By this I don’t mean the sexual orientation per se; I mean the paradigm that has us all believing a certain package deal of sexual and gender-related feelings, identities and behaviours is normal and right. Within that paradigm, the prescribed set of behaviours is more or less as follows: you are appropriately gendered for your sex, feel sexual attraction to people of only one sex/gender (the ‘opposite’ one), engage in monogamous or serial monogamous partnership with such people, marry, reproduce and so forth. Sometimes we encounter people or situations that fall outside that paradigm but as long as we can normalize them, we can sort of incorporate them into the paradigm so that they remain comfortable for us. So for example, if your guy likes other guys, that can be seen as something that makes him unique or unusual, but you can still be ‘fine’ with it as long as it doesn’t disturb the rest of the package deal. The problem is that sometimes those unique or unusual people or circumstances are just a bit too hard to normalize, for whatever reason, and that causes us a great deal of anxiety.”

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Five Married Men

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No one knows how many married men live their lives hiding a secret.

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Men who have chosen a traditional life, who have concealed their sexuality,  who have tried in vain to ignore the pulls and tugs inside them, who have  never allowed themselves to explore their attraction to other men.  Perhaps you married one of them.  Perhaps he lives next door.  Perhaps he’s your father, your brother, your cousin or your best friend.  Perhaps you are him.

Five Married Men is a story about men who have found themselves in this situation, their lives and their emotions; five happily married men who finally decide to act on their urges.  The reader sees inside their minds, sees how this dilemma affects their lives and the women they are married to.

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An Excerpt from chapter 11:

In a room high above the city, a small island of space and time,  five men plan to give themselves over to the mysteries ingrained in them before leaving the womb. In their hearts they had become brothers-within the privacy of four walls they were five nervous men on the threshold of an age-old fantasy. Together in secrecy they would explore the compatibility of their minds and bodies, knowing very little of each other, yet more than the rest of the world would ever know.

The first to arrive, Tim rented the room. One by one they dialed his cell phone from the lobby, and he let them in when they knocked on the door. The last to arrive, James took a chair near the window that overlooked the downtown skyline. They sat around the room in skittish knots, the world that would condemn them locked beyond a bolted door. They were a collection of sweaty palms and bodies comprised of identical poetry, of minds filled with doubt and adventure; five men standing shoulder- to-shoulder, trying to cast off their guilt on a road with no clear horizon.

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What Does Bisexuality Feel Like?

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Or another way to put it:  How does it feel to be bisexual? (From a male perspective)

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First and foremost it feels like a gift.  To look at both men and women and recognize the beautiful distinctions in both, to be attracted to the physical and emotional differences, to be aware of your attraction to both and be able to allow yourself to feel the natural harmony inherent in these feelings, is one of life’s greatest rewards.

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There’s something about being a man, looking at another man, realizing he’s attractive, realizing you would like to know him, spend time with him, perhaps even touch him.  There’s the mystery and magic of seeing another man naked, seeing his body as something beautiful, attractive, sensual, inviting.  There’s something about being at one with another man’s mind, relating to it, identifying with it, sharing that particular man his innermost thoughts.  There’s something about being a man who can be intimate with another man, to know the joy of exploring a body similar to your own, a masculine kiss, the sensation of holding his genitals in your hand, their texture and weight, their ever changing size and shape, their warmth, their taste, always aware of their purpose, and yes, the feel of his penis inside.  There’s something about trusting another man, of knowing him so well you can share with abandon all of the secret treasures of your sexuality.

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There’s something about all these things that are  hard to define, hard to put into words, though these irresistible elements cannot be denied no matter how severely we are indoctrinated, no matter how completely these notions are condemned.  The power of of our instincts will always flourish; they are part of us and cannot and will never vanish.

There’s a feeling of being set apart from the general brotherhood of man, a recognition of certain facets of life that other men don’t seem to have or understand, and you feel a certain pity for them because they don’t have the gift, or they don’t allow themselves to identify it.  You believe if only all of mankind were bisexual, were to acknowledge it, then our collective ideology would be free to create institutions, such as marriage, with broader colors, and create a society free of unnatural taboos and narrow minds.

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Yet, for most bisexual men, there is another, perhaps even more important, facet to his persona.  Though he wants to connect with and is inspired by other men, he recognizes his overwhelming attraction to women; he recognizes her uniquely feminine perspective, her softness, her exquisite shape and the purpose of her body, her strength, her insights and intuitions, her powerful capacity to love, her ability to make his life complete.  He recognizes his desire to love her, to make a home with her, to build a life with her, to grow old with her.

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Two Husbands

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Two Husbands

A year has passed since he confessed.

Late one night, after I had taken a shower, I found him sitting in front of his computer.  He didn’t realize I had come up behind him until I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.  He stiffened.  Glancing at the website on the screen, I knew why.  As I stood back and stared at him in disbelief, he solemnly turned off the computer and went into the kitchen.  Confused, I followed and joined him at the breakfast table.

Had anyone else told me something like that about my husband, I would’ve laughed at them.  Tom and I had been married fifteen years.  A total surprise.  He’s one of the most masculine men I’ve ever known: six foot one, broad shoulders, generally a no nonsense kind of guy.  I didn’t have to ask why he was looking at a film clip of two men, both naked, one leaning over the other from behind—he simply told me in no uncertain terms.

Fifteen years.  How could I have not known?  I had never been so overwhelmed by so many debilitating emotions: shock, disbelief, anger, confusion.  Then those agonizing next few days trying to talk to him, trying understand exactly what I felt angry about.  It finally came to me.  Not so much his errant sexuality as the fact he had not been honest with me.  I had been married all that time to a man I didn’t really know.  Then another few months worrying the confession was a prelude to our divorce.  How could he love me if he was attracted to men?

At first I thought an affair with another woman would have been easier to deal with.  At least that’s something I understand.  I backed away from that notion after thinking about it.  Another woman would have left me feeling inadequate as a wife, a torment I’ve managed to avoid, at least to some degree.  Though his eyes still followed me when I crossed the bed room naked, though he still held me and draped his leg over mine when we slept, I often still wondered if he’d rather be in bed with a man.

As I muddled through those first few weeks, most frustrating was his reluctance to talk about it.  He would listen patiently to my doubts and concerns, or sit quietly through my anger and tirades, then reconfirm his love and assure me he was the same man I had always known.  Beyond that, getting answers was like pulling teeth.  Questions followed by quick generic answers.

“When did you first know?”

“In high school.”

“Did something happen?”

“No. I just knew.”

“Have you ever touched a man?”

“Yes.”

“Was it a relationship?”

“We were close friends for a year before you and I got married.”

“What happened?”

“I met you.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

“A few times.”

“Do you still think about him?”

“Now and then.”

“Do you miss him?”

He hesitated, then: “What does that have to do with you and me?”

“Do you?”

“Yes.  I still miss him,” he finally admitted.

I remember how this impacted me, this unsettling piece that complicated the puzzle, that also served to evoke more questions.

“Have you seen him since we’ve been married?”

“He moved to New York.”

“Would you?”

“Not if you didn’t want me to.”

Ah, so that burden would be on me.  More weight on my shoulders when I’m trying to reduce the load.

“Have you seen anyone?”

“No.”

Relief.  At least that’s what I wanted to feel.  He had not been honest about his sexuality, why would he answer me honestly now?  When you discover something totally out of character about your husband, you’re prepared for any number of surprises.  You have misgivings about him, and I hated suspicion—it felt like bile rising in my throat.

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Wives Who Watch or Participate

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Thinking about a husband having sex with another man is anathema to most women.  Actually seeing it is unthinkable.

For others it’s an integral part of their marriage.  Some wives are not only present, they participate.  They not only witness their husbands give and receive sexual pleasure with another man, they explore and receive sexual attention from two men at the same time.   Not that they were necessarily predisposed to intimacy with someone other than their husband, they were, however, able to contemplate being married to a bisexual man with an open mind, weigh the consequences, accept the circumstances, and then decide to be connected to this part of her husband’s nature.  For many, coupled mutually agreed upon and acceptable parameters, the experience turns out to be liberating and personally rewarding.

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These women have decided they do not want their husband’s bisexuality to divide their marriage, or be denied, or see him live out his life in quiet desperation.  They don’t want to worry about him meeting other men secretly.  Even when they have decided he should have a special friend, they don’t want him living a separate life one or two nights a week at some vague rendezvous away from home.  They have prepared themselves spiritually. morally and psychologically to be part of her husband’s relationship with another man.

For wives searching for common ground with their bisexual husbands, this scenario can seem complicated and daunting.  On many levels, depending on the wife’s long held beliefs, it is.  However, based on the accounts I have read, bringing a new dimension into the marriage can also be stimulating, rewarding, and even exciting.  Often a man and wife become closer, based on the fact that this is a newly discovered way to be part of each others soul.  A new understanding has revealed itself, a new closeness, revealed by way of compromise found in very few of today’s marriages.

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What is Bisexuality?

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Wikipedia defines bisexuality as sexual behavior with emotional [and/or] physical attraction to people of both genders (male and female), or a bisexual orientation.  People who have a bisexual orientation “can experience sexual, emotional, and affectionate attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex”; “it also refers to an individual’s sense of personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them.”  It is one of the three main classifications of sexual orientation, along with a heterosexual and a homosexual orientation. Individuals who do not experience sexual attraction to either sex are known as asexual.

According to Alfred Kinsey’s research into human sexuality in the mid-20th century, many humans do not fall exclusively into heterosexual or homosexual classifications but somewhere between.  The Kinsey scale measures sexual attraction and behavior on a seven-point scale ranging from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). According to Kinsey’s study, a substantial number of people fall within the range of 1 to 5 (between heterosexual and homosexual). Although Kinsey’s methodology has been criticized, the scale is still widely used in describing the continuum of human sexuality.

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Bisexuality has been observed in various human societies and elsewhere in the animal kingdom throughout recorded history. The term bisexuality, however, like the terms hetero- and homosexuality, was only coined in the 19th century.  Read the full wikipedia account here.

In my novel, Five Married Men, all five husbands fall into the middle spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual.  They love their wives unequivocally and none regret being married, though the weight of society’s mores wears mercilessly on them, along with a lifelong indoctrination as to what defines masculinity.  They love their wives but they also face an inner struggle, an identity that they have to keep suppressed, a growing urge for an intimate connection with another male.  They fear living out their lives in a painful state of hopeless denial.  When the opportunity to explore this side of their nature presents itself, they surrender.  They are unable to equate their physical affection for each other as infidelity, but they are racked with guilt over lying to their wives.

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Five Married Men explores the unsuccessful stages of denial, the process of taking the first step, the jubilation involved when two bisexual men connect, the arguments for and against guilt, and the consequences for all concerned.  The powerful emotions experienced are an integral part of this story, both from the husband’s and the wife’s perspective.  Along the way, in this case, they discover a winning solution is difficult if not impossible to find.

Of course that’s not always the case.  Many couples, though so many tragically end in divorce, find ways to compromise and even redefine the parameters of their marriage.  More often than not, the road is difficult and emotional, but love and mutual respect often prevails, if both partners can find a way to shed “conventional wisdom” and the phantoms of social/religious indoctrination.  It takes recognizing the fact, no matter how the marital parameters are redefined, that the foundation of the marriage will always be intact, that love will remain strong and will perhaps grow stronger.

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How Can I Find Out if He is Bisexual?

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How can I “catch” him?

I’ve run across a number of websites that outline ways wives can “catch” their husbands in some type of activity that proves he’s bisexual or gay, usually through his computer history: websites he visits, movies he watches, even read his e-mail.

My God!  What kind of a marriage is this?

Why not forget all the duplicity and secret agent stuff and just ask him?

Don’t be defensive or accusatory, and don’t  blurt out the question one night at the dinner table.  Try a far more thoughtful approach.  If you have reason to believe your husband is bisexual, you must, to some extent, already be prepared to learn that he is; you can therefore  plan and control the atmosphere that will be created when you ask this question.

He probably doesn’t know you’ve been thinking about this for a long time.  He doesn’t know you have reason to suspect.  He isn’t expecting you to question him on this most taboo of subjects.  So lay some mental groundwork in your own mind before you stage the question; in other words be mentally prepared to orchestrate a civil, productive discussion.  Be prepared, for now anyway, to set your emotions aside so that if you learn your marriage is going to somehow be redefined, your starting place will be rational.  You can go out and kick the garbage can all over the back yard in anger at some later date. Continue reading →

Male Bisexuality

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Early recognition.

Excluding both extremes of the spectrum (men who are exclusively gay or exclusively heterosexual) most men fit in the broad middle which can be defined by one of several levels of sexuality.  Early in life most of these men become in touch with their attraction to females; they find the opposite sex enchanting, alluring, exciting and sexually desirable.  They want to spend time with them, have a girlfriend, and they eventually recognize a compelling desire to get married.  It’s simply a matter of crossing paths with the girl he’s attracted to, the one he’s in sync with philosophically, and the one that finds him equally attractive.

Within this broad middle, he may simply enjoy an extraordinary kinship  with another male, or he realizes he feels a  physical attraction to those of his own sex.  The attraction may be compelling, or it may be fleeting and vague, which can be easily ignored though reoccurring given certain circumstances (the sight of a pair of extraordinarily well-fitting jeans).  For the guy at this end of the spectrum, once he finds himself involved in getting his adult life started, he may come to believe these feelings have disappeared entirely, only to discover they haven’t at some point down life’s long road.  It’s like the phantom inside him has gone into hibernation, though certain to reawaken one day.  Near the other end of the spectrum, a young man will most likely be receptive to some kind of physical experience with another male, or he may even pursue m2m sex.  The broad middle ranges from simple male bonding, to irresistible curiosity, to a recognized desire to explore something sexual.

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Almost always a secretive characteristic, sexually developing teenage boys often experience an attraction to other males   It’s not uncommon for boys to masturbate together or masturbate each other, or to explore each others body.  At some point, for most boys, the weight of what he’s been taught about being a man intervenes and he learns to bury these natural desires.  He moves on, shifts his focus over the years to life’s other circumstances: marriage, children, career.  The innocence curiosity of his youth is buried under layers of responsibility. Continue reading →

Wistful Thoughts

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I could not love my wife more.  Nor could I have a stronger desire to spend the rest of my life with her, to cherish every moment we’re together, to hold her every night and thank my lucky stars that I found her.

Ah, but there are times . . . usually when it’s least expected, I set eyes on another human being, a man . . . and I wonder.  I wonder what kind of personality he has, if there are many well-kept secrets in his head, like there are in mine.  I wonder what it would be like to know him, to have a friend like him, someone to spend time with and talk and trade innermost thoughts.

I instinctually recognize a certain chemistry, then wonder if it’s nothing more than my imagination, or wishful thoughts.  But I envision it anyway as I picture us walking shoulder to shoulder, from time to time brushing against each other, glancing at each other with a knowing gaze.

I picture the two of us camping by a fast moving stream, sitting side-by-side on a big rock, staring out over the terrain, talking now and then about the things that cross our minds.  When the heat of the day makes us feel sweaty, we strip off our clothes and play in the stream; and by day’s end, we’re sitting in the rapids, knees touching, eyes locked, cherishing our friendship, pondering the oncoming night.

Then later, lying close under the stars in the warm night air, staring up into the heavens, arms touching, I find myself drawn to his body heat and the smell of a man, and my imagination takes me to special places.  We had been looking at each other all day, recalling memories and thinking about memories yet unborn; then the feel of his breath on my neck.

Very little sleep accompanies the night and we find ourselves preparing breakfast, silent glances and smiles as we reflect on the feelings still inside us.  Another day is before us, another day much like the one that just passed.

So the week disappears; that part of us that no one else knows has been nourished and resolved, and we feel it on our skin–we are both comfortable with who we are.  We load the car, now anxious to get home to our wives and the world we have chosen.  And from time to time, as the months fall behind, we’ll think about next summer, when we’ll return to our secret campsite to do it again.

All of this in just one glance at the right man.