From a Wife With a Bisexual Husband

For some of us Mother Nature deals unusual cards when it comes to our genes. We’re born and the day comes we realize we’re attracted to both sexes. Call it an anomaly if you want, but for a surprisingly high percentage of us, it is very real. Bisexuality, no matter how a person chooses to deal with it, is an ever-present phantom in one’s life. If you happen to be a man and have chosen to spend your life with a woman, bisexuality can haunt you for your entire life, not that you don’t love and cherish her.  No matter how much you love her, something important is missing. If you’re the woman married to this man and love him dearly, you face a unique and difficult challenge, though it’s a challenge that can be overcome.

As a gift to Mr. Rob for this Christmas season, his wife wrote this piece for his blog: The Bi-married Mafia

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My journey has been filled with so many ups and downs, but what journey isn’t. The ups and downs are not just limited to unique relationships like ours. And I have come to realize ours is not the only “unique” relationship out there. You have to do what you need to do to make it work for you. I had to stop comparing things to others’ relationships or to what I had always believed to be “the norm”. “Normal” is such a subjective word anyway. What is “normal” for one isn’t for another. My journey….still an ongoing process. But I believe that any relationship that is growing is an ongoing process. The moment we stop growing is the time we need to worry.

Before we were married, my husband told me about his attractions to men. Both of us felt it was not something that we needed to worry about. We were young and very involved in a church which taught this was something that you could overcome. We were in love.

A few years ago, my husband brought it up again. He had an incredible void in his life which needed to be filled…a void which could not be filled by me. I could see the pain and struggle he was in. Not that I was lacking anything…no one person can fill everything in one person’s life. In my naiveté, I thought this could be filled with a “gay best friend” and I encouraged it. I have always given my husband every freedom to be. I try not to stand in his way of expressing himself and finding out who he was meant to be, knowing that is important to him. But I also had understood that we were in a monogamous relationship and not once did my mind wander to him being with a man physically. This was not something that I worried about. Neither of us was wired to cheat on the other. We had our ups and downs, but this just wasn’t something that would “happen to us”.

He did find this best friend. They hung out and did things together. This man became very important to my husband and even became part of our family. We would vacation together and hang out on holidays. Their relationship was filled with ups and downs, but I assumed it was due to the fact they were both strong personalities. After about 3 years, the relationship ended. It was at that time that my husband confided in me the extent of their relationship.

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Bisexuals Still Plagued by Misconception

From an article on kh-newstoday.blogspot

Survey finds different challenges for bisexuals

Yes: it really is different for bisexuals.

This is one of the findings from last week’s interim release of results from the Workplace Survey – possibly the largest of its kind – designed to investigate the work experiences of those who identify as bisexual, pansexual, many-gender-loving or fluid desire.

That is: it is not just that bisexuality is a genuine, distinct sexual orientation – as opposed to a phase that individuals pass through – but being bisexual leads individuals to face a number of challenges and pressures that are very different from those experienced by those who identify as lesbian, gay or even straight.

To begin with, the survey revealed that bisexuality is much more broadly defined than non-bi people know or understand, with almost one in five who identify as gay or straight also indicating clear bisexual behaviour or feelings. Some 53 per cent of those surveyed identified as female, 35 per cent as male and ten per cent as queer.

Most bisexuals come out to themselves between the ages of seven and 19, which according to the authors is similar to the age at which most of those who identify as lesbian or gay come out.

Two out of five bisexuals consider themselves to be polyamorous, which creates additional pressure. This is defined as having or wanting numerous intimate relationships with the consent of those involved.

Individuals were more likely to be out as bisexual where a company’s non-discrimination policy included both sexual orientation and gender identity and expression: in companies where there the non-discrimination policy covered just sexual orientation, respondents were no more likely to be out than if it was not in the policy.

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Bisexuality and Human Psychology

The author of the following article states ‘bisexuality is not genetic’ because research on the human genome has not identified a gene that decides a person’s sexuality.  The author states human sexuality is formed by a persons personality.  I agree that personality plays a roll; however, I also believe bisexuality is genetic, as is, in large part, our personality.  The fact that the gene hasn’t been specifically identified does not mean it doesn’t exist.  It simply hasn’t been identified.  We don’t choose to be gay, straight or bisexual.  We are who we are.  At the same time, the article offers an intriguing perspective.

From an article posted by PrefixAlex on Mibba Articles

… society tends to skip over bisexuality. Members of the heterosexual community tend to lump bisexuals in as gays or lesbians, and gays or lesbians tend to lump bisexuals in as fellow gays and lesbians who lack the chutzpah to fully “come out of the closet.”

This article aims to give true bisexualism the attention it deserves as a valid facet of human existence, and present it as the simplest form of human sexuality, that which is inherent to the human being from the time of its birth.

 

As with all things concerning our nature, we must start at the beginning. Rewind to about 2500 years ago, and you will find , Alexander the Great, turning the entirety of the middle east, southern Europe, north Africa, and west Asia in his personal playground.

It is theorized that Alexander had both male and female partners. Nobody said much of anything back then. In fact, in ancient Greek tradition, it was customary for a man to sleep with another man before he was considered an adult.

 

Fast-forward until about 100 AD, when St. Paul, captain of early Christianity, is writing his letters to the Corinthians. He touts heterosexuality as the only form of human sexuality, and 2000 years later, we’re still listening to him.

 

Prior to the development of Christianity and most monotheism, people had no problem with bisexuality, and it was an open part of the culture of the times. But as Christianity developed, a sense of “sex for the sake of babies” and virginal innocence was created, and homo- and bisexuality were viewed as morally wrong. A lot of people think the same way today, and I, personally, am fine with that.

 

Then along came the 20th Century, and a great homosexual awakening occurred. People began to “come out,” and weren’t burned at the stake, and the rest is history.

 

Bisexuality got lost in the mix, and people began to think in terms of magnetic polarity. You’re either one thing or the other. No exceptions, no grey area, no in-between.

 

People looked for causes of homosexuality, and the main school of thought turned out to be genetics. There are several holes in this theory.

 

Number 1: the “gay gene” has yet to be discovered. The Human Genome Project mapped 20,000 human genes and respective alleles, and not a single one will make you gay.

 

Number 2: transitively, people say that they are “born gay” or “born straight.” This is simply an impossibility. At birth, the human mind is incapable of understanding what being human is, let alone the intricacies of sexuality and courtship. Personality remains unformed until about age 8, as with morality, and prior to that, children are basically psychopaths. Prior to puberty, there’s very little distinction between a male and female child, so any development in sexuality cannot occur until about age 8.

 

So we’re at age 8, and by that time, most children have been indoctrinated into the Judeo-Christian beliefs regarding marriage and sexuality. Sociomorals have been firmly established: fighting is bad (as long as you are on the losing side), sharing is good (as long as you tell people when you do it), and men and women love each other very much (but not really; there’s a 50% divorce rate). But there is still room for doubt, and that is where Sigmund Freud comes in. The renowned psychologist, psychiatrist, and neurologist believed that all people go through a period of bisexuality. They experiment, see what appeals to their conscious, and ultimately make a decision. There is danger in this area for the human mind.

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Bisexuality

Why are we questioned, and where are all the bi men?

From Creative Loafing.com

By Alexandra Caldwell

I wander through Google searches, trying to crack my writer’s block. I want to find something exciting and inspiring about bisexuality, but article after article disappoints or annoys me, at least at first glance. One of my first searches was “bisexuality articles.” My lips press together and my eyebrows furrow involuntarily. The very first hit is a New York Times article from 2005 called “Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality revisited.” Already I was feeling a bubble of anger in my stomach. Another article was from msnbc.com entitled “More women experimenting with bisexuality.” One from Psychology Today was titled “Why are so many girls lesbian or bisexual?” From the titles, my first reaction is to get angry and defensive. I feel personally attacked as I visualize invisible fingers pointing, accusative voices crying, “Liar…Fake…Confused!”

It seems as though bisexuals always have to justify their sexuality, that no one understands it and people are trying to figure out why it’s so “popular” all of a sudden. We don’t fit into either the “straight” or “gay” box, and many of us don’t even fit into the likes-men-and-women-equally box many non-bisexuals have drawn up for us. There are so many of us who don’t fit neatly into a simple label or category, and that tends to make the mainstream uncomfortable. Throughout history it’s been easier for bisexuality to be discounted for either confusion or a phase or a hedge for someone who hasn’t come to terms with his or her homosexuality.

There has been a societal shift lately where bisexual women have become more public and accepted, so now everyone is asking where all these bisexual women are coming from and, furthermore, where are all the bisexual men? As these articles illustrate, there’s lots of chatter and theories about it. I’m no scientist, psychologist or sociologist, and I don’t have my own studies to back up my theory, but I think it’s pretty simple: It’s safer for women to publicly embrace their bisexuality now than in the past. Conversely, it still isn’t as safe for men to admit that they like men. However, this isn’t always what the mainstream thinks. It seems that people often follow the following reasoning:

1.) Bisexuality is less reported by men

2.) Reports of bisexuality are growing in women

3.) Therefore simply fewer men are bi or it doesn’t exist in men

4.) Therefore this is some sort of popularity trend in women and we should figure out why so many women are “turning” bi

I pushed through my sensitive feelings over the titles of these articles and read them all. I struggled through the first page of the New York Times article as it said “a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men.” This study was done by psychologists in Chicago and Toronto “who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and sexual orientation.” Although I am not a man, I am bisexual and was offended by this on behalf of bi men. Then the article went on to say:

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Five Married Men . . . Reviewed

From a member of MMA2oM (married men attracted 2 other men)

I just finished reading Five Married Men. It is a book that truly speaks for men like us. Here is my review, which I also submitted at Amazon:

Five Married Men is first-rate literary entertainment, and much more. If you are looking for summer reading that grabs your attention, this is it. This novel has believably likable characters, intricate plot development, romance, sex, drama, suspense, humor, and action. There’s something for everyone.

More importantly for me, Five Married Men is an honest discussion of male bisexuality. As a bisexual married man who has just recently come out of the closet, I found this book to be heart-breaking in its accurate portrayal of the challenges that face men like me and their wives. I can’t say how much Martin Brant writes from experience, from thorough research, or from an incredible imagination. But I can say, from MY experience, that his fictional characters are as real as the men I’ve met in support groups, chat groups, and bars. The emotional conflicts, the clandestine meeting arrangements, the fear of discovery that are described in the book are happening all around us every day.

Male bisexuality is marginalized in this country. Today’s pop psychologists tell us that there is no such thing as a bisexual man. Even the GLBT community struggles to understand us. It’s high time a book like Five Married Men was published. Maybe it will start some discussions that are overdue. Believe me, there are a lot more bisexual men walking around than you can imagine. If we all came out of the closet at once, the whole gay/straight dichotomy would go the way of the dinosaur.

Don’t think for a minute that this book is all gloomy and depressing. It is also very provocative. Because Mr. Brant develops the characters so well, the sex scenes are much steamier than typical gay or straight erotica. If the text doesn’t turn you on, you’ll at least feel empathy for the lovers.

Five Married Men is a novel that reassures bisexual men they are not alone, and educates the rest of society.

You can check out the first two chapters at the author’s website (check out the hot photos while you are there!): www.martinbrant.com

-BiMark

Monty Clift: The Rarest of Birds:

Bisexual Play Review

By Sheela Lambert – the Examiner.com Houston

The script of this one man play about movie star Montgomery Clift finds a creative way to educate about the accomplishments, films and bisexuality of the four time Oscar nominee. Clift has been locked in his dressing room by director John Huston to sober up before shooting his next scene for the film he is starring in, Freud. While “incarcerated,” he ruminates about his films, his drinking and his bisexuality. He jokes sarcastically about all the Oscars he lost, highlighting his most famous acting performances.

Clift’s attitude towards his bisexuality was alternately nonchalant and self-hating, which is cleverly reflected in the script:

“You forget Huston… This queer roped a mare for you… In The Misfits… With my bare hands…!”

“My analyst, Dr. William Silverberg — Billy Boy… (Pours drink into cup.) Left his family to live with a man… (Puts thermos down.) Yes… He loves cock too…!”

“I played seven major parts in two years including the Pulitzer Prize winning There Shall Be No Night and The Skin of Our Teeth… Shhh… I also modeled Arrow Shirts… I’m more ashamed of that than being queer…”

“I love that song… I also love kissing pretty boys… Which got me arrested one night in a San Francisco park… The studio hushed it up… “

“The women… Wait outside the theater… They can’t know…! No one can ever know… It’s a perverted sickness, Herr Doktor Freud… I want to be exorcised of it…! But I can’t help it…”

“Clift & Taylor… The most beautiful people in Hollywood…!” Liz is my other half… The only woman who ever turned me on… And her tits — (Grabs chest.) Fantastic…!”

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Gay, Straight or In Between?

You secretly enjoy looking at men, or maybe not so secretly.  Certain men, that is.  Men you find attractive, who define your idea of  masculinity, sensuality and good company.  You like the way they’re formed, the way they think, the way they play and the way hair grows on their bodies.  You snatch glimpses in the gym shower, gaze at the countless photos on the Internet, or wish you could somehow get to know the guy three doors down the street.  You think about how they smell, what it’s like to touch them, or what’s it like to do more.  You may be married or have a girlfriend, or maybe you’re trying to decide which way to go–but you know you’re not entirely gay.

So where do you fit in?

Perhaps you’ve looked at the Kinsey Scale and have identified yourself with a number between 0 and 6.  Want a different perspective, one from a different approach?  You might be interested in the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid.

Here is what the site has to say:

Are you straight, gay, or bisexual? We tend to think of sexual orientation in rather black-and-white terms. In fact, though, few people are exclusively straight or exclusively gay, and there are a lot of shades in between.

The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid was introduced by a sex researcher and psychiatrist named Dr. Fritz Klein in 1978. Based on the Kinsey Scale, it measures a person’s sexual orientation on a continuum between “straight” and “gay”, giving a more nuanced assessment of sexual identity.

After you answer the questions, you’ll get a chart that looks like this:

What is Bisexuality?

From Psychology Today, By Dr. Brian Mustanski

Skepticism about the existence of people attracted to both men  and women has come from heterosexuals as well as gays and lesbians. Even within the scientific community there has been debate about the existence and meaning of bisexuality. No one seems to argue with the reality that some people have sex with both men and women. The skepticism has centered on if that behavior is motivated by a strong sexual attraction to both sexes.

This debate recently flared up around the publication of an article by Rieger, Chivers, and Bailey that compared the genital and self-reported sexual arousal patterns of men who identified as heterosexual, bisexual, and gay. Men came into a private room in a lab and were shown several films that either included two men having sex with each other or two women having sex with each other. Genital arousal patterns were measured using a gauge that measures changes in the circumference of the penis as it becomes erect. This is also called a penile plethysmograph. Participants also self-reported their sexual arousal by moving a lever backwards and forwards to show increasing or decreasing arousal.

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A Friend Called Secret

I live in Michigan in a house where SECRET has lived for many many years in a secluded closet. The door to this closet is not opened very often very often for standing guard outside the door are a number of strong sentinels that keep watch over Secret to make sure he remains in the closet with the door securely locked. These sentinels are really very kind and seek only what they believe is best for me. There is -love of God and wife,faithfulness, obedience,truth vows; fear and disaster are also standing guard. But despite these wonderful sentinels there is one fellow that keeps trying to sneak past them all to pay Secret a visit. His name is desire; but he comes alone and ends up leaving Secret in the closet.

There have been a few times though when desire brought a friend-Opportunity. Opportunity does not come often and even when he does, most opportunities have ended abruptly because one or two sentinels show up and return Secret to the closet. A new sentinel has been added to the ranks, he is called Aging, he is very good at keeping Opportunity away.

I don’t know if Secret will ever be able to share himself with anyone but it is a comfort to [have my support group] and am grateful to talk from the closet to others who also may have a secret. Respectfully Yours,

Author Unknown

Last Outlaw On Love’s Frontier: The Bisexual Male

From www.CrabbyGoLightly.com

EARLIER THIS WEEK (In July 2010)  CNN EXPLORED A PROVOCATIVE TOPIC IN AN ARTICLE ENTITLED, “The last person out of the closet? The bisexual male.”

While straight people are considered “normal,” homosexuals are increasingly accepted, and bi women are tolerated with a sparkly wink, bisexual men continue to be viewed suspiciously.

Bisexuals of both genders often face the stereotypes that they are promiscuous, unable to commit, of wanting to “have our cake and eat it too.” Bisexuals certainly want to indulge in the best of both worlds (and why not you’re so inclined?), but I also know that I am more than willing and perfectly able to commit to the right person, should the question of monogamy ever come up.

Many of us are also told that we are going through a phase, and that this too, young grasshopper, shall pass. My thoughts? If you enjoy fucking a member of your gender now, you’re probably going to enjoy it later, too.

But bisexual men have more to deal with and are constantly battling the perception that they’re really are gay but don’t want to admit to it. And how sad is that! Can you imagine finally mustering the courage to “come out” as a bisexual, only to have someone tell you that you are, azza matter’a fact, just gay?

CNN featured couple Robert and Christine Winn – who have been married almost 18 years. The funk factor? Robert is openly bisexual and his wife accepts his orientation and supports him fully.

It’s just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn’t take the trash out,” Christine said.

Another interviewee, 22-year-old Ben Pierce, likens bisexuality today to being biracial in the 1960s. He spoke about the difficulty in finding a sense of belonging with either camp — gay or straight. For Pierce, and the rest of us who feel that sexual and romantic attraction is “fluid,” there is no black or white. It’s all shades of gray, baby.

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