Charlene’s Daughter

Charlene’s Daughter

Tom Hanson arches his stiff back and lifts the faded shirt off the fencepost to blot his damp forehead, watching a cloud of dust boil from the rear wheels of an approaching pickup truck.

It’s been a while since anyone’s paid a visit.

He lifts his sun-bronzed face to the sky.  Mid July in southern New Mexico; the sun has browned his skin above the waist, and grit clings as the warm dry air evaporates the sweat on his body.  He’s been setting new fence posts off the south side of the barn.  He doesn’t recognize the truck.  Whoever it is, their cautious driving tells him they’re not familiar with the gravel roads around here.  Maybe they took a wrong turn.

Tom heads across the crusty earth to the pump, reaches for his drinking cup, pumps the handle, pours the first cup down the back of his neck.  He downs the second in two gulps.  The third cup goes on the ground for Lady, one of seven born to a Collie.  Her daddy must have been Labrador, those irresistible, attentive eyes.  The dog becomes alert as the truck draws closer.  The sound of the tires crunching over the gravel reaches his ears.  Still doesn’t recognize the truck, a Ford, late eighties model, lot of miles according to the sluggish whine of the engine.

Some twenty feet away, two females pull to a stop, suitcases and boxes piled in the bed.  The driver’s side door opens.  A foot in brown sandals, a long thin leg, blue jeans too tight for a decent woman.  She’s aged.  Lot of miles etched on her face.  The girl stays in the cab, her feet propped on the dash.

“This place ain’t easy to find, big brother, not after all these years.”

He remembers how youthful she looked at their father’s funeral.  She looks harder now, too many trips around the block.

“You grew up here, Sis.”

She looks the place over.  “Nothin’s changed.”  She grabs hold of the front of her blouse, puffs it up and down to fan her neck.  “Reminds me why I left,” she says looking toward the river; she sees just a glimpse.  Between here and the river, the land, grown over with scattered creosote brush and yuccas, drops several feet.  She remembers the day she got caught swimming naked with Juan Garcia.
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Born In the Wrong Body

Born in the Wrong Body

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Out shopping one day, shortly after I turned sixteen, I walked down a well-lit hallway that led to the public restrooms.  Rounding a turn in the hall, the two doors came into view on opposite walls.  Before turning away from the women’s room, as I stared at the door, quick flashes of a more Utopian life passed through my mind.  A middle-age woman glanced my way before disappearing inside.  It would have felt natural to follow her in, though that would have made her gasp in horror.

That’s because I still looked like a man, barely a year out of a late puberty.  Not a masculine man, a wimpy one.  Still, during puberty, my body had changed in a way that broke my heart.  When the other girls at school were looking at their new breasts in the mirror, I was looking at a penis that had gotten larger.

Call it a temporary lapse, me wanting to forget my body’s configured differently than the other women that use that room.  Given certain circumstances, I would have these fleeting fantasies of feeling normal; usually followed by memories of the day my mother, after catching me looking at myself in the mirror in a pair of nylon panties, went through every drawer in my room and threw out all the female intimates I had hidden; or those days in junior high PE class, changing into those awful gym shorts, invariably humiliated when Johnny Perkins taunted me, mocked my slender hairless body, my girlie white skin, my small boyish penis.

It was my sense of self, my feminine sensibilities that urged me to use the restroom I felt most comfortable in, instead of facing the lifelong dread of making myself go in and pee with the men.  It didn’t matter the rest of my world saw me as a man, for me it was impossible to accept.  It didn’t matter my shoulders were small and my protruding nipples sometimes felt swollen and sensitive, as if they were about to blossom into full blown breasts (but never did); I was stuck with the basic shape of a male.  It didn’t matter if I secretly shaved my underarms and legs; I still looked like a man.  But I’m not.  Not then, that day at Macy’s; not now.  I’m a woman.  Born a woman and destined to stay a woman for the rest of my life.

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