Tag Archives: Human Sexuality

Penis Size and Circumcision

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A question from Yizreel:

Actually I have a question . Does circumcision have an effect on your penis size ? I’m 13 and want to be cut.

My reply:

Usually circumcision affects on your penis size no more than a haircut will make you look shorter. However, you are losing some skin, so of course your glans will appear to have a smaller diameter. Also, it depends on how much skin is cut off. If too much is cut, the lack of skin may restrict your erections, which may also cause discomfort; and some believe when infants are circumcised, and too much skin is removed, this restriction could inhibit penis growth. But at age thirteen, you may already be close to your full size.

This is an important decision for a guy your age to make. Think about it long and hard. If you’ve been teased in gym class or something like that, it would be tragic to give up your foreskin and then end up regretting it the rest of your life. And by the way, Yizreel, aren’t you supposed to be 18 to be on this site?

Side note:

Yizreel’s age points to an element of the human condition. This site is about human sexuality and the human body, presented in a frank and open manner, subjects we all are curious about once we reach puberty. If our society had it’s way, young people would be starved of this knowledge, picking up misguided scraps of information haphazardly. Our quest to protect young people from what has been labeled unsuitable for their age in effect jeopardizes an otherwise healthy lifelong perspective.

Consider the early American Indians, and various cultures around the world even today, families living in single room tents and huts. Nudity certainly isn’t an issue in these peoples lives, but what about the young people and even the children who wake up during the night and see their parents having sex? Or the ten-year-old that watches his mother breast feed a sibling? Are these young people detrimentally affected. Are they scarred for life? I happen to believe, as a whole, these young people growing up in these circumstances are far better adjusted to what should be the natural harmony of life.

Self-Conscious About My Small Size

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This is a comment written yesterday by a man named Jay. Since many of us are walking the same path, I thought I would call it to your attention . . .

Since puberty I have been more or less self-conscious about the small size of my penis. This has not however kept me from enjoying many happy sexual moments with men whose penises have usually been larger than mine. I am now in my sixties, and a new factor has entered my life. I was diagnosed with an enlarged prostate and put on a prostate-shrinking drug. The drug relieves my symptoms (frequent urination) but also seems to have caused my penis to shrink, even though it can sometimes reach the size it had when erect in the past. I realize that some shrinking of penis size is normal as men age. But now when I look in the mirror naked, I see a really small penis and this depresses me (and makes me self-conscious in the shower room).

In short, I pretty well accepted having a small endowment, but now that endowment seems to be becoming even shorter! Groan. I feel that many older men, particularly those on prostate meds, may be experiencing this phenomenon. Sorry to say it, but it does affect one’s self-esteem at least somewhat.

Having thought about this for the past year, I have come to the conclusion that the great advice on this site also applies to me and men like me. Be happy with what I’ve got, appreciate my penis as a beautiful part of me, and pay no attention to anybody who might turn a disapproving eye on it. But let’s be honest: it’s hard to stay positive about this. A loving partner can be very helpful. And I think it’s also helpful to be upfront with any partner, to let him know that “Hey, I’m still in here, still the same sexy guy I always was.” I plan to visit several old friends this summer (who have been sex partners of mine in the past), and I intend to be very honest with them and be proud of who I am and what I still have to offer. We might even have a good chuckle about it, and then get on with all the intimacy we can muster.

And it should go without saying, good sex is far more than penis size. The whole body is capable of amazing sensations and pleasures. The “blessing” in this may be that it de-emphasizes the focus on the penis during sex and leads us to new vistas. Like so much in life—as we grow more mature, we can become more mindful and sensitive towards ourselves and our partner. Good wishes to all who find themselves on this path.

If Jay’s message impacted you the way it has me, your heart has gone out to a thoughtful man. A man in his sixties, based on the all to familiar size matters comments, the jokes and teasing, has endured an unwarranted emotional dilemma by simply seeing his penis in a mirror. The emotional pangs are even present by being with or seeing larger size men. Jay is a man many of us can identity with.

Jay is also a man that has gone beyond the superficial mores of human intimacy so common in those who are basically out for no more than a piece of ass. He has discovered the essence of life’s most valued gift, that sex is so much more than being penetrated by an enormous penis, that human intimacy does not begin and end with a man’s dick.

Reread Jay’s last paragraph. It reflects a profound and basic truth.

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The Ninth Gate … Our Naughty Erogenous Zone

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I doubt anyone would argue that anuses were designed to be pretty.

You probably haven’t engaged in a discussion about anuses lately … unless you’re a proctologist. If you meet someone new that you’re likely to be intimate with, and you’re wondering what they look like naked, it’s probably not what his or her anus looks like that you’re thinking about. You probably haven’t even seen many anuses, in the flesh that is, including your own without the awkward use of a handheld mirror. Almost everyone is a little coy about this part of his or her body. Even where public nudity is common, a nude beach for example, sightings aren’t that common. Those fleshy rounds of gluteal muscle we have keeps our anuses quite well hidden from public view.

Of course that depends on how your buttocks is designed. Just as our anuses are all unique in subtle, sometimes dramatic ways, so are the butts that hide them. In the picture above, the guy’s anus is exposed by merely bending over, fairly common. The girl is revealing everything just by turning her back to us.

Which brings up another intriguing aspect of the human anus … it’s a part of the body in which men and women are remarkably similar. Not that gender is a difficult thing to determine with a quick glimpse, but that’s mainly because of the surrounding characteristics. For one thing, a man’s is generally hairier. His anus’s closest neighbor is a pair of testicles, a dead giveaway. The woman’s, almost as if her anus’s neighborhood is based on zero lot lines, is mere centimeters away from her vagina. You would expect a man’s to be darker, but as in the above pictures, obviously that’s not the case.

They are most often called assholes. Technically they are holes, though they usually don’t look like one. On the other hand, sometimes they do, like those pictured above. These two have well-defined holes, complete with shadows within. Just another little nuance that makes our bodies all the more interesting. It’s our naughty erogenous zone.

Here is another variation in our gluteal design. Even in the position this fellow is posing in, you can’t really see his anus. All you see is a certain drama at play, a shadowy rift that let’s you know with absolute certainty what you are almost looking at. A pair of determined thumbs or adventurous fingers are required to expose his anus to the sunlight.

I dare say female anuses get more attention than their male counterparts. Most men would see the above image as delicious. A number of scenarios would unfold in his mind were he to come upon a woman in this position, scenarios that wouldn’t exclude his fingers or tongue, nor exclude the smaller of the two orifices. For a man, the whole of what’s under those panties are dessert. Many woman, on the other hand, are loathe to venture too far behind a man’s balls, though finding yourself in bed with one of these more adventurous women is akin to winning the lottery.

While nondescript describes the physical characteristics of many anuses, dramatic is a good word to describe those like the ones pictured above. It’s a combination of things: darker surrounding colors, generous patterns of hair, and a variety of creases, wrinkles, fissures, pleats and folds that heighten the mystery and uniqueness. Interesting when you think about it, how fascinating the human body is, not that I think people gathered in social groups will be bending over and checking out each others anus anytime soon. Then again, why not? Just think about the resulting discussions, the commentary, the comparisons. Could be the most fun you’ve ever had at a party.

The lady above seems to be issuing an invitation. “You can look at my anus if you want.” “You can touch it if you want.” “You can stick your finger in it if you want.” “You can …” well, you know what comes next. But why would she want you to do these things, even hold her cheeks open to be more accommodating?  You know the answer if, during an evening of passion, you’ve ever had someone’s finger caress your anus, or had someone lick it, or stick their finger inside.

You would know that our anuses are rife with sensitive nerve endings, part of our sexual Continue reading →

The Grand Design

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Men:
.
When you think about it, you realize the male body could have had a much more practical design. All the drama could have been eliminated. The testicles for example: they could just as easily been on the inside instead of hanging down between our legs. Certainly men would have been far less vulnerable. Why add a body part that so many say makes a man look indecent when he’s naked.

Pubic hair isn’t necessary either. It certainly doesn’t help keep you warm and it doesn’t assist reproduction (though many believe that two hairy pubic mounds grinding together makes for some rather pleasant sensations). So why do we have it calling attention to that part of the body, adding to the concept of indecency, collecting pheromones and such, sometimes even getting stuck between our teeth. Plus, without it, you wouldn’t have to shave to get that smooth look … you would have been born with it.

The penis itself could have been designed with far less character. Why all the different sizes, shapes and colors? Why is it always protruding from our body, just hanging there as if it has nothing better to do? Why all that loose skin that slides up and down; why the walnut-shaped glans on the end, or the veiny skin, or the foreskin so many of us have to suffer being trimmed off? It could have been designed to retract into our body, only to appear in perhaps a plain pencil-like state when it’s time to procreate. Fish have something like this. And there would be many advantages: we wouldn’t look naughty when we’re naked, it wouldn’t be creating unsightly bulges in our jeans, we wouldn’t be thinking about it all the time, teenagers would never get caught playing with themselves.

Even the anus doesn’t have to be so dramatic, hidden as it is within those fleshy globes, always damp and dewy, igniting the lurid imaginations of so many adventurous lovers. It could have been nothing more than a nondescript orifice barely perceptible to the casual observer, sans the pucker, the creases, the surrounding darker colors, the endless variety of hair patterns, and even that characteristic smell. In it’s current representation, you never quite know what to expect when your thumbs pry open those fleshy cheeks.

And consider the brain, our largest sex organ. It could have been programmed differently. Had it been, it would never occur to any of us that nudity is indecent. We wouldn’t be thinking about sex nineteen times a day. No masturbation or long nights of sweaty passion. No inferiority complexes over penis size. No wondering what someone looks like naked (you wouldn’t care). You would’ve never heard of oral sex, nor would it occur to you to stick your finger in or lick someones anus. There would be no such thing as a porn industry, or a suggestive swimsuit, or a condom. When a man and a woman decided to have a baby, he would simply press against her, his pencil-like penis would protract, then enter her and immediately deposit the required amount of semen. No extraordinary sensations, no holding each other late into the night, no earthy body smells or bed sheets to change in the morning. In thinking about it, I believe I have created a new fantasy for the Religious Right.

Women:

Women could have the same practical design. All the compelling nuances would be gone, the dramatic curves (which are now obviously part of her sexual allure), the divided plump folds between her legs, currently unique as snowflakes in their colorful variety of shapes and configurations, the enticing inner lips that can swell so delightfully with passion, the mysterious creases and crevices that are so engaging to explore, the mysteries we know she’s hiding when she crosses her legs. Instead she would have a barely perceptible aperture somewhere below her navel, just large enough to receive one of those pencil-like penises when she decides to get pregnant, yet quite capable of yawing open when it’s time to get a baby out. We could dispense with those feminine fragrances that steep between her legs and zing through every fiber in our bodies like a mind-altering drug.

Forget the breasts. The functioning glands would be inside her chest. Her nipples would be no puffier, larger, or sensitive than a man’s. Other than the muscular structure, just as it would be between our legs, there would be no difference between the male and female chest. At the beach everyone would be topless, and women would save a small fortune on swimsuits. The nipples would, however, swell just a bit when it comes time to accommodate a baby’s hungry lips. I guess she would have to cover them then.

Her anus, much like a man’s as it already is, would still be like a man’s, sans character. Nothing tempting about it. No drama, no potential for naughty sex. No tempted fingers or tongues, no squeals of delight, no secrets that lovers keep. Compliments of Mother Nature’s lack of inventiveness, it would be a Utopian world where humanity no longer had anything to feel modest or confused about, or ashamed of unless they’ve been eating too many Twinkies and French fries.

It all makes you think, doesn’t it. We aren’t born with a practical design. There is a compelling purpose, a purpose beyond procreation and misguided mores that so many of us have failed to recognize. I’m glad we are the way we are. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?

©Martin Brant, April 24, 2012

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I Think I’m Gay

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I’m wasting my life . . .

Hello martin i just found your site/blog and read the sexuality section and wondered if you could help??

I‘m a 19 year old male virgin and think I’m gay! The only problem is I’m only attracted to older men! 30-50 years old! Any younger and it puts me off! Women just do not turn me on no matter what! I’m getting really depressed and I’m wasting my life :( I’m scared to do anything but know i need to. What do you think i should do?? Should i date a girl if i get on with her!? Thanks

My reply:

Nineteen is a wonderful age that goes by quickly, but it is also a difficult age for most young men. There are so many paths in front of you, it can be difficult to choose the one to try. You think you might be gay, and then there is the possibility you may be bisexual instead. At nineteen there is no hurry to label yourself. If you know or meet a girl you like, and if you’re thinking a traditional future building a family sounds appealing, by all means date her. It may take a while, but time will tell if you chose the right path. If you become involved with a girl, I recommend being honest with her about your sexuality at some point in time. Up front would be best for both of you, but certainly before the two of you become committed.

If you feel you are more comfortable with men, that’s the path you should be on. You might start with dating a man, give it time and see how things develop. See how you feel watching male/female couples walking hand-in-hand down the street. Either way, whether you start a relationship with a man or a woman, you will identify your true sexuality over a reasonable period of time; and time is what you have plenty of. You might try a Google search that will point you toward social sites or dating services to connect with someone you’d like to get to know.

As for preferring older guys, that’s perfectly natural. Men between thirty and fifty are quite sexually attractive. They’ve had years of experience and know how to appreciate a man in ways younger guys have yet to learn. You would want to be psychologically in sync with him, have important things in common, and you would want to think twice if he is considerably older than you, unless you would want to be involved with a 70 year-old-man when you are 40. Coming from where you’re at, it might be best to approach a potential relationship as having a special friend, a friendship in which you share time together and intimacy, but maybe not the future.

Right now time is on your side. Many people don’t get into committed relationships until they are 25 or 30, often older. The important thing is to be sure about your sexuality and the person you are involved with.

 

One Man’s Story … A Guest Article

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SURFING THE CONTINUUM

Sex and sexuality and how it transforms us as people

Author’s name withheld by request

It all began when I was five years old. I knew I had a Jones for a friend of mine (a boy) whilst at the same time liking the girls. I knew I was different, but being so young had no concept why. But I just knew when me and my friend touched it felt the same, electric touch as when I was with girls (who really didn’t give a shit about me as the skinny fucker who was painfully shy and didn’t know what to do with myself). This was the fragile beginning of what would become an Odyssey and a rambling strand not once concluded and still vibrant in its eclectic ways.

 But as I sat upon my windowsill at 16 years old and dreamt as I gazed across the horizon I knew that everything was about to change in ways unthinkable and unacceptable to social mores and I knew that around the corner there lay an encounter that would be a revelation and a revolution that would alter my course and cast the die of my life ahead and it was sex that stirred between my legs and the deepest recesses of my mind as the birds sang and the tides moved the ocean to bring me to the place where I now stand.

 I realised from a young age that women desired me, and that heterosexual men wanted me (I believe there’s a difference). Not to say that I’m all that. But if you consider that my first ever sexual encounter was with a ‘straight’ man, then I moved in to a very heterosexual relationship for a time, before having a homophobe move in with me as lovers, I think we can consider sexuality as being somewhat nebulous, and in my experience sometimes destructively so.

I almost lost my mind when my first proper boyfriend fucked my best (female) mate and was summarily incarcerated for offenses that I will not mention here. In the six months of his imprisonment I took up with a lovely young lady and all was well, until he was released and came to me (via other women) and we again made love like time had not passed or moved. Consider then my horror when my girlfriend and he took up with each other (admittedly, following the revelation that I had been with other men). So, like anyone with a jot of sensibility, I decided my best course of action was to extricate myself from the situation and move away, get a fresh start.

And as I sit here and ruminate upon the decision making process I realise that the only thing that actually ever changed was my location for the process of human sexuality as ever remains the same and I may never extricate myself from that particular continuum as men remain men and women remain women and the process is unaltered just my mind dealing mechanically different with the ebb and flow of the violet power of lust and command.

Consider the heterosexual father of one who has returned to my bed time and time again Continue reading →

Bisexuality and Polyamory

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Many consider it unethical. Others call it immoral, impractical or just plain wrong. For most people, that’s where this subject ends. Based on our upbringing, our traditions, our standards of right and wrong, not to mention a host of religious convictions and the social indoctrinations imposed on us from the day we were born. Nevertheless, polyamory is an intriguing subject that’s a reality for some and worth a look.

But is polyamory wrong for everyone? Specifically bisexual men and women?

Polyamory exists in many forms, though successful polyamorous relationships, in whatever form, all have certain factors in common; such as trust, openness, honesty and mutual understanding.  Polyamory has nothing to do with swinging, wife-swapping or having a boyfriend or girlfriend on the side. It does, however, involve more than two people in a monogamous, loving relationship.

The focus here is to explore the possibility of a couple in a traditional relationship or marriage to bring another male into the relationship to address the man’s bisexuality. Many would say this is tantamount to having one’s cake and eating it too, but can it be a cake his wife can share?

In today’s world there are countless husbands satisfying their biological urges by secretly hooking-up with other like-minded men, or by developing special friendships. In other words he’s leading a double life that his wife usually doesn’t know about. Often she finds out and is devastated. He may have wanted to talk to her earlier, but he fears her reaction. If he’s found out, has actually acted on his urges, the resulting circumstances are much more difficult for both the wife and the husband.

But what if things were different? What if, early on during the dating process, the man had brought up the fact he is bisexual, that he would like to have a male friend when he gets married? Or perhaps he would like to keep the special friend he already has. What if his fiance finds she’s intrigued, even visualizes certain possibilities? A polyamorous relationship might be incubating. Continue reading →

A Dilemma With My Father

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A question from G.V.

I am a 30-year old male who just got to meet my dad about 1 year ago for the first time. Last time he was in my life I was about 2 years old. Due to the circumstances under which my parents divorced, he felt ashamed and afraid that I may not accept him if he tried to pursue a relationship with me. My mother witnessed him using a sex toy that made her think he might be gay, hence the fear of rejection. The fact of the matter is that I myself am a gay man and honestly, this does not make me uncomfortable, even if it’s my father. He has been married to another woman for the last 20 years, and after having long conversations with him, he has made it clear that he is a straight man. One admission he did make is that he likes transsexuals, which has made me think twice about his sexual orientation. I’m not sure if this is something I should bring up, as I fear that he has been very unhappy in his life due to the fact that he may be denying who he really is. He has suffered long periods of depression and am not sure if his sexual orientation may be a factor. Should I try to talk to him about this or should I just let it go?

My reply:

Seems you’re facing a difficult set of circumstances. What I see is a possibility to develop a closeness with your father most men will never know. You didn’t say whether or not he knows you’re gay, but if he doesn’t, that seems like the best place to start. If he’s also gay, or bisexual, knowing you are approaching him from that perspective should make him feel more comfortable talking about it openly, plus the fact you care. Since the desire to help him out of his depression, to communicate in a personal and meaningful way is in your heart, I believe you should go for it.

Approach the conversation at a good time. Perhaps you could invite him out for a walk or a private dinner somewhere. Let him know there is something important you would like to talk to him about. Enter the subject with tact. Let him know that you except him and love him as a father no matter what. If he begins to show signs of reluctance when you bring the issue up, it might be difficult, but perhaps you should tell him your mother mentioned the sex toy. This should cause him to become resigned to having the conversation.

If he admits he’s gay, assure him that he should ignore the ancient, dying stigma attached to homosexuality, that he should appraise his life and choose the right path to walk down without regard to what others might think. You know how to take it from there. If he denies everything, you need to accept things the way they are and do what you can to be a loving son.

If you decide to proceed, I hope you guys end with a relationship many would envy.

The Male Psyche

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There is a common thread that runs through almost all men. It has to do with both the subtle and vibrant variations of masculinity. It puts us at one with other men, at one with our individual perceptions, at one with our bodies and our genitals. The broad spectrum of men includes characteristics like genuine decency, the desire to share, the need to fit in, the instinct to protect those weaker than ourselves.

The General Brotherhood of Men

Sadly, for reasons we may never understand, there are those deficient individuals outside the general brotherhood of man that live cowardly, misguided lives: wife beaters, child predators, rapists, criminals, bullies, racists … individuals that do not reflect or represent any of the wonderful human elements that comprise the majority of men.

Narrowing the field a little further, a group within the brotherhood could be isolated in a non-criminal but dreary group nonetheless: the selfish, the lazy, the slovenly, the autocratic, the self-righteous and the irresponsible, thus leaving a certain integrity in the remaining majority of men.

You may not think subtracting the deviants, the slovenly and the pitiful leaves a clear majority of men. I do. They are by nature usually a quieter group. They don’t make the evening news nearly as much. They don’t impose themselves on our consciousness by routinely annoying us. They simply carry on, trying to do what’s right, trying to provide a descent life for themselves and those they care for. They are the men that make you glad you are a man and a part of the general brotherhood. They are the men I love, that I watch from day to day in public places, the men about whom scenarios pass through my mind as I quietly admire them and fondly analyze what kind of personae they might have. They are the reason I’m here, the men I support and encourage and celebrate. They are men I write about in my novels.

This vast resource of men still hold doors open for women. They usually feel a little awkward holding a newborn baby. They feel good when they see their wives smile. They would make an extraordinary sacrifice for a friend. They value honesty and integrity. They feel guilty when they lie. Yet they are competitive, ambitious and get back up when they fail.

Of course men are sexual creatures. How many times do we think about sex each day? How often do we masturbate in the shower, or take a firm hold of our balls because it feels good? How often does the mere sight of an attractive man (or woman) empty our brains of all other thought? The fast paced careers, the bigger houses, the expensive watches and cars are merely material distractions that have nothing to do with the true essence of life. Some portion of the general brotherhood are utterly straight, some portion are irreproachably gay, but our greatest numbers fall somewhere in the middle. Continue reading →

Subtle Suspicion and Quiet Concern

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A Question About a Boyfriend’s Sexuality

Hi Martin … As I am researching my question, your website was discovered. It is beautifully artistic and tasteful, thank you. I have enjoyed viewing the pictures and reading some literature. I am a divorced middle-age woman with a child in a 3 plus year relationship with a man that I adore. We are deeply in love and connected, with one another, my child (as a family), and with his family. We have a healthy social life with a variety of friends and we are both successful professionals. We worked with one another in the 90′s briefly, yet the mutual attraction remained. We began our relationship as friends, and built a foundation. He has never been married, nor has any children. We took our relationship very slowly for nearly a year before we became intimate, and even then, we progressed slowly. We have now reached a place of trust and unity; however, I have some concerns and need to reckon with them.

Although we have dealt with this issue, my gut continues to nag me. The last thing that I want to do is nag him because it will send him away, yet I remain unsettled. My partner has a variety of friends, one of which shows serious signs of hidden homosexuality. They have been friends for 20 years, met in college, have lived together on several occasions, dined at upscale restaurants alone, and they fish and hunt together ALONE A LOT. In the past they have shared a hotel for a week at a time to hunt, and his hunting buddy stays at his house  in a spare room. I was suspicious last year for various reasons, and began to snoop. I found a lot of transvestite porn and confronted my lover. He admitted that he was addicted to porn, but not gay. A friend gave me Broke Back Mountain to watch, and it freaked me out because it could be them: manly men of on their private excursions.

Our sex life was damaged and nearly non-existent for a long time. He used the excuse that I was a pain in the ass and he could not get aroused. He never even tried for a long time, only I initiated any contact. Since the past 7 months, I have backed away and let him pursue me. Our love life is now thriving and satisfying mutually. Additionally, my partner shows an unnatural obsession to talk about the “heiney” and passing gas, going to the bathroom. I admit, I have a great sense of toilet humor, there is an appropriate time and place, yet he is constant with his remarks. This concerns me because of his strong influence on my son, which assuredly is positive, except for this subject.

I have noticed that there have been times that he will walk from the shower without his towel to get his underwear in front of my son, which I find offensive and rude. Until now, I have dismissed it, yet as I reflect now, I will ask him to stop. The bottom line, this man is madly in love with me and I with him; however, whenever this one friend is in the picture, there is tension, and my man’s actions and attitude change, compromising us and my feelings. I am seeking advice on how to settle my mind, let go of these feelings or trust my intuition, and where to go from there. The character traits of my man are just like the blonde big guy on BBM, very easily angered, especially regarding this topic; therefore, I walk cautiously, even avoiding my fears to avoid confrontation at all costs. Yet he wants a future and discusses such more and more, and I do not want to rock the boat. He is an honest, loyal, and trustworthy man, yet a homosexual lifestyle would not be easily accepted in his family. I have decided, that regardless, I will always love him. However, if he is gay, I cannot continue in an intimate relationship with him. Part of me fears that he wants his cake and to eat it too… please respond authentically. I greatly appreciate your response. Thank you.

My reply:

It sounds like you are listening to your instincts, which many of us have learned to do by the time we reach mid-life. Continue reading →