Practical, Sexy or Both?

While women wear form-fitting swimsuits that compliment their bodies, I haven’t quite figured out why men here in the U.S. wear those awful baggy shorts that sag and weigh a ton when they get wet. Seems ridiculous. We somehow seem to relate the issue to masculinity, when nothing can look more masculine or more spectacularly compliment the male form  than a Speedo.

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A Sensuous Male

sensuous maleSensuality is a characteristic inherent in the human male, some human males that is, demonstrated here by a man called Mac. Due to the world we live in, Mac will have to remain anonymous, we will not see his face. He is here to expose the sensual part of his personality, part of who he is, part of what’s available inside him to share with a partner that knows how to appreciate it, the part that makes him a sensuous male.

sensuous maleMac is 44, from northern Germany. His interest in the human body was born one summer day when he was thirteen years old, on a long bicycle ride that took him to a nearby lake for a cool swim. There everyone, to his surprise, was naked. Normally shy, he mustered his courage and took off his clothes for the first time in public.

Fascinated by all those naked men and women, he’s been a regular every summer since. As so many other young boys, Mac was certain that boys were only supposed to look at women, so he ignored the fact that his gaze often settled on men. Eventually he met his first girlfriend and discovered the fully enjoyable experience of having sex with girls.

As a result of social indoctrination and the mystical allure of the female body, Mac unconsciously repressed his interest in boys. That is until age 25, the first time he ever touched another man.

Life’s temptations come in many forms; they expose our weaknesses as humans. It might be a hot fudge sundae when you are supposed to be watching your weight, or a new car you can’t afford but buy anyway, or the blonde a married man meets on an airplane. Sometimes we succumb; at the very least we fantasize. But for the guy that appreciates the male body, temptation is walking into the bedroom and seeing a guy as appealing as Mac positioned like this in bed.

Mac was naked and tanning on a lake shore in southern Germany when he began chatting with another naked guy beside him. Close to the same age, Mac found him delightful to look at. The guy didn’t seem to mind, even when Mac’s gaze dropped briefly to what Mac thought was a remarkable penis.

A pose like the one above reveals the reasons like-minded men are drawn to the male body: the creases and shadows, the masculine characteristics and shapes, the nuances both subtle and dramatic. This is a pose that explains why so many men take off on flights of fantasy, why so many men give in to their natural urges to be intimate with other men.

On the lake shore, feeling warm and comfortable Mac didn’t try to hide his growing erection. When the other guy saw his penis getting bigger he smiled, got up and walked into the bushes behind the meadow. Mac followed, fully erect, and found the guy, still naked, leaning on a tree.

sensuous maleWhen Mac approached they touched each other. Mac’s new acquaintance got on his knees and Continue reading

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A Woman’s Perspective on Bisexual Male Promiscuity

The following is an email from a lady that recently visited a website for bisexual men. I will not mention the website, but she came away feeling disturbed, understandably so.

“So I’ve had a bit of time to look over some blogs of bisexual men. The “xxx site”, as you may know is of a mostly gay bi married man who hasn’t told his wife. This guy’s blog is devoted to all of his sexual and some emotional affairs with men. My jaw is still on the floor. This guy has no problem lying to his wife. Why doesn’t he just tell her and let her go? I am not trying to make it seem easy, but this dude is consumed with his male relationships. He doesn’t mention any passion concerning his wife. He shows know remorse for his actions. This is what frightens women. And I know there are more blogs and many more men that think and act in the same manner.

“As I stated on your site, I’m trying to understand, but selfish, assholes like this make it incredibly difficult. This is why women run. This guy has had sex with , God knows how many men , and who knows he may pass something on to his wife …that is if he chooses to have sex with her…she is unknowingly having sex with everyone else he has been with. And no safe sex is 100%.

This is what goes through a woman’s mind. Nightmare scenarios such as this.”

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This is a dilemma many couples face; the email is a perspective offered by a female voice. The scenario has played out countless times: A young bisexual man wants a traditional life, meets a girl, falls in love and gets married, failing to tell to her about his sexuality before the vows are spoken. All to often, at some point in his life, his urges for men become overwhelming. This is when he has to make a decision; either grow old in quiet desperation; or finally discuss his sexuality with his wife, hoping the matter can be resolved to their mutual satisfaction; or secretly go behind her back.

If your wife or future wife loves you, your bisexuality will most likely not greatly impact how she feels about you. It’s how you plan to deal with your desires that will cause her concern. If you would like to be married and still have a like-minded friend, the best course is to marry a woman that understands and will agree to you having a friend, usually under mutually agreed to conditions.

Most bisexual men are loving, monogamous boyfriends or husbands. Their sexuality is but a facet of their personality. Enlightened Male is largely a bisexual website that condones non-monogamous relationships, but only if all concerned are agreed. However, there are some men that dearly love their wives but simply cannot tell her about his same-sex urges because of her point-of-view or nature. Some understanding here applies, but only under well thought out circumstances. A friend that happens to married, for example, a friend that can be trusted and doesn’t take risks with hookups, etc. Such friendships exist with varying degrees of intimacy, without risks to either of their wives.

The guy you're dating and love being with tells you he is bisexual.

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The following post reflects a woman’s greatest fear. The human condition can sometimes be gut-wrenching for those involved.

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Discreetly Looking For Anal Sex

A question from a bisexual married man.

I am a bisexual married man. I have never given or received anal sex,but I am curious as to what it feels like. I truly love my wife and I do no want to hurt her. I am from Pittsburgh I am 55 years old and in very good shape. How do I discreetly go about finding some one around 45 or older to have casual sex? Preferably married?

My reply:

Few are more liberal than me when it comes to human sexuality, but the bonds of marriage cast a whole different light on the issue of male bisexuality. By asking this question you are asking me to condone your desire to do something behind your wife’s back that amounts to infidelity, which is something I can’t condone. Therefore, you’ll not like my primary answer, but I’ll give it to you anyway.

Marriage is a sacred trust between two people. Break that trust and you will have lost your most cherished possession, and you’ll never get it back. You may even lose your wife, not to mention the risks of STDs to both of you. I hate to sound like a preacher, but it’s important for you to weigh the consequences of what you are contemplating.

At the same time your urges are natural, something you and many other men were born with, urges that usually become more compelling as we grow older. The best course of action is to figure out a way to talk to your wife, to let her know you are bisexual and would like to have a like-minded friend, preferably a married friend. After a long ride on an emotional roller coaster, perhaps you and your wife can come to terms, while at the same time you have been honest with her. And even though it’s not the same thing, you might even be able to introduce the notion of having anal sex with her, as both the giver and receiver. The only other honest option is to accept the fact you have committed yourself to a marriage, and then resolve to quietly live out your life without knowing what it’s like to experience anal intercourse.

That said, it’s advice that’s so often not practical. Because of your wife’s sensibilities and/or her upbringing, she simply may not be able to accept your bisexuality, yet for you the desire to be with a man only grows stronger. And since you love your wife and want to grow old with her, you face the dilemma of doing something that seems natural to you and won’t hurt her if she doesn’t find out. A large percentage of men who are in the same boat will act on their urges.

Since that sounds like you, and you have reason to be discreet, I recently posted an article on a website called Dizcreet, a social networking site for bisexual men, and a good place to meet a friend. You could check it out, but before you do, think long and hard about the potentially life-changing event you are thinking about. You may meet a new friend and find out what anal sex is like, but you will also have to live with lying to your wife. Even if you didn’t get caught, there are consequences you will have to live with.

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I Want To Be A Good Husband

I have no physical relations with my wife because of my sexuality. I had a relationship with a man before my wife and I married and now I feel alone and miss him very much. But I also want to be a good husband. How can I improve my marriage? (edited for clarity)

My Reply:

This is a heart breaker for both you and your wife. I suspect there are a good many marriages devoid of intimacy for any number of reasons. Often it’s because the husband realizes he is no longer attracted to his wife, but is attracted to men. In many cases he still loves her. Loving someone powerfully often has little or nothing to do with sexual attraction. Plus he may like the idea of being married and living a traditional life, even if sex in not part of the equation.

There is not a likely winning solution for you. You have three choices. You can go on living your life the way it is now in a state of quiet desperation, keeping your emotions bottled up inside. Or you can leave your wife and seek out a man, perhaps even the one you had the past relationship with. Or you can talk to your wife, tell her about the man in your past and your attraction to men. By talking to her, at least the two of you will hopefully have an understanding. And she’ll know your lack of interest in her body isn’t her fault. If she can’t abide being married to a gay or bisexual man, you’ll have to deal with your marriage ending. Very sad scenario. But if that were to happen, in the end the two of you will be better off.

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I Have a Boyfriend & a Girlfriend. What should I do?

I was wondering what you think I should do concerning this situation I’ve found myself in.

I’m a 21 year old bi male who has started going out with both another man and another woman (separately). I absolutely love the time I spend with each of them, and I have a pretty great connection with them both in different ways. I feel like eventually I’m going to be forced to choose, but I genuinely don’t want to lose either. I started dating them both around the same time, and we haven’t had the talk about “making things exclusive” but what should I do if that time comes with one or both of them? Is it possible to tell them there’s another person but that I still want to stay with them?

My Reply:

You are hoping for a miracle. It’s all but certain neither of the two involved will accept a third party in their relationship with you. If you make an attempt to that end, you may lose both of them. Just put yourself in their shoes.

There is an important element missing in both your relationships. Honesty. Without it you have a foundation of sand. The guy probably assumes you have an interest in girls, but the girl likely has no idea you are bisexual unless you have told her. The important thing here is she has a right to know, now. It would be cruel to allow her to fall in love with someone she doesn’t know. If the guy is bisexual, it might not bother him much, unless he is geared for an exclusive relationship.

On the other hand, you know the two people involved. The girl may be more open-minded than most girls are. It’s possible she may find all of this intriguing. Since you are obligated to talk to her about your sexuality, and if she accepts it, that would be a good time to tell her about the guy. If the stars are lined up right for you, you might find yourself in a paradise for three. If your bisexuality doesn’t bother her, but she will not agree to you having a boyfriend, be prepared to break it off with the guy, unless he’s the one you would rather keep.

But tell her. Losing her would be better for all concerned than a relationship built on deception.  Clean this up, my friend, and you’ll feel better about it in the long run.

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After 18 Years My Husband Confessed He’s Bisexual

 Confused doesn’t know what to do about her bisexual husband:

My husband told me 3 weeks ago that he’s bi. We’ve been married for 18 years and have 2 boys. I’ve been through so many emotions over these weeks from sadness grief anger to name just a few.

He’s only had some male experience as a teen and watches porn and has visited a theatre with glory holes where he put his hand in and touched a male.

We’re both having individual counseling, my first session is tomorrow. I’m so confused and angry and feel that by not telling me before we were married he hasn’t let me decide. I love him and our relationship has been really good until now buy feel like its all been a lie.

I’ve done so much reading and I can only see that I’ll have to make so many compromises to keep him. He says he doesn’t know what he wants, how he doesn’t know after all these years I don’t know, or if we stay together how can he be happy if I can’t get my head around his male needs.

The easiest thing to do is for me to leave but then what if we could live happily ever after!!

So confused

My reply:

First let me say that nothing in your eighteen year marriage has changed. All the good things that happened are real and your husband is the same man he has always been. The difference is that you found out something about him you didn’t know, an element of his persona that for myriad reasons he has kept secret.

Depending on how he plans to address his ‘needs’, he will always be the same man if the two of you decide to grow old together. If he plans to act on his same-sex needs, you have to decide if his intentions go beyond what you can accept as a wife. It’s likely he doesn’t Continue reading

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Am I Bi?

A question from Shay:

I’m a 16 year old guy and often fantasize about other guys when I masturbate. I sometimes also watch gay porn, but in real life I prefer girls.  Could this mean I’m bisexual?

My reply:

Shay, it is my opinion a very high percentage of men are bisexual to some degree or another, anywhere between a mild curiosity about men to guys that have powerful fantasies about intimacy with other men. Most of us fall somewhere in between though many guys would never admit it or aren’t really aware of it until they get older. Most men, however, retain their desire for women, and one day want to marry a woman and begin a traditional family. I also believe our sexuality is genetic and that a man’s desire for some form of intimacy with another man is natural and normal, despite misguided religious perspectives and negative social connotations.

At your age it is difficult to say exactly where you’ll ultimately fit in on the sliding scale of bisexuality, but it’s a safe bet it will be somewhere close to the middle, with a definite lean toward women. Another thing, if you are having certain feelings now, they may recede later on when you get married and start your own family, and when you get busy with a new career, but you’ll always have certain feelings for male intimacy. Who you are never goes away. So yes, I believe you are bisexual.

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Confused Romance

From a lady visiting Enlightened Male:

I love a man so much. He is my best friend. When he calls me I stop breathing, when he’s hurt I can hear it in his voice. I moved to be close to him but by me consenting to things I knew were wrong I’d have ended up being another woman who sold my soul for a lifestyle. My heart aches for him. He says he loves me, he calls me wifey….but I know…and he knows I know…so how can I love him for who and what he is? I have a daughter and a son, I never thought in my LIFE I’d have to make this decision. But I don’t see my life without him either. He knows me, and I know he does. He tries to push me away because he just can’t “say it”…how do I let him know I am willing to love him through it? I want to provide him the love “only a woman” can give. I don’t think he feels he deserves it. But he does because he’s so amazing…Just wanted to share and possibly get feedback. Thank you. I do believe in God and this may sound crazy to some, but I feel as though God told me to love him, unconditionally and that’s exactly what intend to do…unless he ever hit me, which I know in my heart would never ever happen. He’s my best friend, my soul-mate, we make each other better, but he pushes me away when I pull the lets get married card. Advice please? I’ve loved him since 2005, my son is 12 and daughter is 15 and we need a father. I don;t feel I should have to tell him that, if he wanted to step up he just would, am I right? How should I approach this?

My reply:

You personify what I mean when I talk about the power of a woman’s love. The emotions you have expressed are heartfelt and moving. The conflicts you are suffering are palpable. I assume you are saying your guy is bisexual or gay.

Your choices are these: 1) Leave him and seek a partner who causes less emotional conflict. 2) Continue on your present course and probably face these same questions the rest of your life. 3) Confront him with the insistence that the relationship must change. You’ve already let too many years go by to let things stay the same. He should be willing to come off dead center considering the fact that most bisexual men and some gay men would like to have a traditional life and family.

If you go with the third choice, the outcome will be unpredictable. As you implied, he has already trained you to back off by pushing you away, but you can’t back down. Tell him flat out that you know he is bisexual/gay and you accept it along with the consequences, among them knowing he will always be attracted to other men. If one of you is to change your basic perspectives, it will not be him. You will have to figure out where you fit in in the scheme of things. You may have to accept him on his own terms because it’s not him insisting on marriage, even if he would like to be married to you.

You might even consider being part of his adventures with other men, which may include threesomes. That may be a difficult step considering your religion and probable upbringing, but it seems to work well for a good number of women, provided the two of you can agree to some mutually acceptable ground rules.

Whatever you decide, I can only say that I hope the best for you. Any woman that loves so powerfully deserves happiness with the right man.

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A “Gay” Man’s Dilemma

Do Gay Men Turn Straight?

The  following question came by email recently.

Hi Martin … Thank you for sharing your experiences and providing some interesting reading. I have had relationships with men since I was 16. During my teenage years I would have said that I was attracted to both sexes, but always seemed to go back to men because I felt comfortable with them. In my 20′s I identified as being gay and came out. I have been in several gay relationships and have never questioned my sexuality until I turned 30 and started to become sexually attracted to woman. I experimented with porn and I found myself excited watching straight sex. At the same time I was also thinking that I have always wanted to be a father and have a family, and I was getting to the age I would like to do this. I have never had a relationship with a woman, and I have only had a brief sexual encounter when I was younger that did not work for me.

So I decided to make sure that I could become sexually aroused and that all the bits and pieces worked. As I have never really approached a woman, and did not want to get into a relationship, nor would I know how to. Additionally I am in a relationship with a man. So I decided to visit a sex worker. It was a highly liberating experience. I could not describe the intensity. It felt natural and just right more so than being with a man. I walked away thinking I want to be with a woman, and in a relationship. My penis felt like it was in the right space, I had huge amounts of pre-cum, breasts were beautiful, and I think I could play with a vagina all day long. I have a serious dilemma now and don’t know how to feel, what to do. My friends think I am gay, my partner is a male, did I come out too quickly, why would this all be happening now, how many guys go from gay to straight, and if I was to change how do I tell a woman who I have been with in the past. Any thoughts? Continue reading

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