Tag Archives: Male Bisexuality

A Review of Copperas Cove

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Review by: Douglas Gellatly on Nov. 07, 2011, on SMASHWORDS:

Martin Brant sure knows how to put a good story together, and he’s done it again in Copperas Cove. With the main character, Jonathan Scott, challenging his inner urges, readers are also left with a few challenges…be they where we all stand in the full spectrum of human sexuality or our attitude to racial discrimination.

Set in the USA deep south in the mid-nineteen-fifties, the tale is gripping/surprising/enlightening, and a whole lot of other “ings” which all amount to fascinating, and damn good reading.

One hopes that Martin can keep going with more of his stories, and I for one wait with eager anticipation.

What is this novel about?

When Jonathon’s marriage crashes around his head, pictures in a travel magazine inspire him to leave Pittsburgh to start a new life on the Gulf coast. Followed by phantoms from the past, he sets out envisioning the bliss of solitude and long lazy Saturdays on warm southern beaches. Maybe he can find a drugstore in Biloxi that needs a pharmacist. Maybe, if he meets the right woman, he can get these misguided notions about men out of his head.

 

The generator on his ’48 Ford coupe goes out fifty miles south of Tupelo, a long hot three mile walk to the next town, an isolated hamlet called Copperas Cove. Temporarily stranded, he finds himself having a hamburger at Rexall soda fountain, unaware that his destiny is taking shape in the mind of a young woman three stools down. Betty Marie, the quixotic town flirt, has taken an interest in him. Jonathon soon learns, if he’s looking for a job as a pharmacist, he came to the right place. Old man Peterson, the Rexall’s ancient pharmacist, has been wanting to retire for years Betty Marie quickly points out, that other than a beach, they don’t have anything in Biloxi he can’t find right here in Copperas Cove.

 

Simpler times in another era. An exiled husband facing life-changing events. An age old dilemma. A small town in the deep south. A brutal rape and murder. The bigoted dramas of 1950’s Mississippi … Ingredients all for a witches brew of emotion, mystery and intrigue. Copperas Cove weaves an unpredictable thread through the lives of all concerned, a thread that changes Jonathon’s life forever.

ALSO available at AMAZON and BARNES & NOBLE

The Long Road of Self-Discovery

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From a husband in India; a story that sounds familiar.

I’m a 32 yr old Indian guy, from quite a conservative background with 3 small children. I’ve been married for 5 years now, and am quite close to my wife.

I’m bi, and would say that I am more attracted to guys than women. However, I have been lucky to feel attracted to my wife and kids-allowing, have a satisfactory sex life.

I’ve never been with a guy in my life, though I have used lots of gay porn on the internet, have met a few guys socially from gay personals site ( and now having a few close gay friends I am out to), and have done webcam sex twice with strangers on the net (mixed feelings :-) ).

I haven’t been with a guy but it is not out of lack of opportunity (most of my gay friends tell me I am quite attractive, and have even expressed desire in exploring with me if I am willing). There are a few reasons that I haven’t but one of the main has been that it is important to me to remain honest and keep my wife’s trust in my marriage. I see myself as a bad liar, and wouldn’t be able to hide it for long if I did cheat.

After 5 years of marriage, and at a stage where we are both settling down career-wise and family life is becoming stable, I have felt that the time is right, and have outed myself to her voluntarily. I think my worst nightmare is that she finds out from someone else. I don’t know if this makes sense to any of you (as my gay friends don’t get this concept) but it is important to me that I am authentic in my marriage, both in the sense that i can be me as I am, and also that I am not keeping secrets from my wife, irrespective of how dark and horrible they are (I’d say this is quite high up that ranking of darkness).

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Are Bi-married Men Normal?

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From the poll taken at The Bi-Married Mafia

The results of our online Poll for bi/gay men married to a woman.

In my initial posting we asked “whether you were normal?” Whether there actually is some measureable semblance of “normal” is to be debated. Whether these responses give us an idea of the normal gay/bi married men is also up for debate. Still we have just over 1280 bi/gay married men respond to the poll. Below are their responses and a few conclusions drawn from those responses.

So first WHO are the men that responded to our survey? They are men that are married to women (or common-law). 68% of our respondents were American another 24% are Canadian with the remaining 9% coming from Europe and Australia.

90% of our respondents are currently married (common-law 84% married, 6% common-law) with 8% now divorced and 2% widowed. The average age of our respondents was 45 years old with 25% being between 20 and 39 years of age and 35% in their 40’s and the remaining 39% being above 50.

83% grew up in a conservative or traditional home and 50% of them grew up under an active religious tradition. Now that they are married only 24% have remained religious with the majority living in liberal homes.

ORIENTATION

We asked, “What do you consider your orientation to be at this time?” 77% of our respondents self identified as “bisexual.”

Straight 1%

Straight but Curious 5%

Bisexual but inclined Heterosexual 16%

Bisexual (Equal Desires for Men & Women) 21%

Bisexual but incline Homosexual 40%

Homosexual but in Hiding 10%

Homosexual 7%

Of these respondents less than half (47%), had actually engaged in same sex activity with another male BEFORE they married. A further 35% were aware of their interest or were curious about sex with another male. It would seem that the majority of men went into their marriages realizing that there was an interest in same sex activity within their personhood (with 82% coming to a realization of their same sex orientation before marriage.)

So now married… what do wives really know of their husband’s orientation? Surprisingly, of the men surveyed, 31% of the wives actually know that their husbands are bi/gay. Not surprisingly 37% of the men conclude that their wives have absolutely no idea of their husband’s orientation. The remaining belongs to spouses that “may wonder” or “perhaps know.”

We asked if these men were at peace with their orientation.

19% answered negatively

19% answered “sometimes”

61% answered positively

We asked does a wife have a right to know about a husband’s orientation? 35% of respondents answered with an adamant “yes”, 13% answered an adamant “no.” The majority (52%) simply did “not know how to answer that question.”

SEXUAL PRACTICES AND ACTIVITIES

I have learned when discussing sexual activity with men, one has to clearly define WHAT sex is. It seems that men have incredibly different understandings of what denotes sex. Some do not consider mutual masturbation as sex; some do not consider oral sex as “sex.” Some conclude that it is only sex when there is anal sex happening. For the purposes of this survey we have chosen to label ALL of the above as “sexual activity.” In other words, “sex” is when one respondent actually touched the genitals of another male.

Of the actual sex practices of gay/bi married men… a full 78% of men HAVE stepped out on their marriages and participated in sex with another male.

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Last Outlaw On Love’s Frontier: The Bisexual Male

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From www.CrabbyGoLightly.com

EARLIER THIS WEEK (In July 2010)  CNN EXPLORED A PROVOCATIVE TOPIC IN AN ARTICLE ENTITLED, “The last person out of the closet? The bisexual male.”

While straight people are considered “normal,” homosexuals are increasingly accepted, and bi women are tolerated with a sparkly wink, bisexual men continue to be viewed suspiciously.

Bisexuals of both genders often face the stereotypes that they are promiscuous, unable to commit, of wanting to “have our cake and eat it too.” Bisexuals certainly want to indulge in the best of both worlds (and why not you’re so inclined?), but I also know that I am more than willing and perfectly able to commit to the right person, should the question of monogamy ever come up.

Many of us are also told that we are going through a phase, and that this too, young grasshopper, shall pass. My thoughts? If you enjoy fucking a member of your gender now, you’re probably going to enjoy it later, too.

But bisexual men have more to deal with and are constantly battling the perception that they’re really are gay but don’t want to admit to it. And how sad is that! Can you imagine finally mustering the courage to “come out” as a bisexual, only to have someone tell you that you are, azza matter’a fact, just gay?

CNN featured couple Robert and Christine Winn – who have been married almost 18 years. The funk factor? Robert is openly bisexual and his wife accepts his orientation and supports him fully.

“It’s just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn’t take the trash out,” Christine said.

Another interviewee, 22-year-old Ben Pierce, likens bisexuality today to being biracial in the 1960s. He spoke about the difficulty in finding a sense of belonging with either camp — gay or straight. For Pierce, and the rest of us who feel that sexual and romantic attraction is “fluid,” there is no black or white. It’s all shades of gray, baby.

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Accepting a Bisexual Husband

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From Stephanie Chen (CNN): one of the most comprehensive and enlightened articles I’ve read on bisexual husbands. Many gay and bisexual men, uncertain of their sexual orientation early in life, follow the the traditional path of falling in love with a college or high school sweetheart, marry her and go on to lead healthy productive lives. The trick, after they eventually come to terms with their sexuality, is how they deal with it.

(CNN) — Robert Winn met his wife, Christine, in college. He was a fraternity boy. She was a sorority girl. Early in their relationship, he made a confession, a thorny secret he camouflaged from his closest family and friends.

The truth sputtered out awkwardly.

Sensing his nervousness, she speculated he would announce he was sick — or perhaps dying?

He told her he was bisexual.

On the surface, Robert Winn, now 40, and Christine Winn, 41, appear to be like any other blissfully married heterosexual couple. They boast nearly 18 years of monogamous marriage. He’s a well-respected physician, who works with the LGBT community in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. She’s a successful hospital administrator.

The couple says they’ve grown closer over time, but like any marriage, two people can have differences — including sexual orientation. Christine Winn is straight, and she has been supportive of her husband, who is openly bisexual.

“I don’t think about it [his bisexuality] as a part I have to accept,” she said. “It’s just a part of him like any other husband who loses their socks on the floor or doesn’t take the trash out.”

Her husband feels a sexual and emotional attraction toward men and women. While he fantasizes about Angelina Jolie just as his straight male friends might do, he is also attracted to Brad Pitt.

This may sound like the best of both worlds, but being openly bisexual can be complicated. He frequently battles the stereotypes of bisexuality: That bisexual men are promiscuous. That his relationships with men were just an adolescent phase. That his bisexuality is imaginary. That he’s really a gay man trying to camouflage his orientation.

“There is a whole list of assumptions of what my life might be like, that somehow she is some sort of front for me because I’m not willing to accept I’m gay,” he said. “People are confused by bisexuality. There’s just not a lot of support for people who fall in the middle like me.”

More than 50 percent of Americans accept the idea of a gay or lesbian relationship, signaling growing support for same-sex couples, according to a Gallup poll in May. The poll, however, doesn’t address the issue of bisexuality, often defined as having a romantic attraction to both men and women. It’s a sexual orientation some advocacy groups and researchers say remains challenging because neither the gay community nor the straight population advocates for men and women who are attracted to both sexes.

“It’s either you’re in the closet or out of the closet, and it’s not that simple,” David Malebranche, a physician and professor of medicine at Emory University, says about the common perception of bisexuals.

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It’s Complicated, Really Complicated

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I came received this from a feed linked to an Internet community for gay and bisexual husbands, a collection of men of all ages and circumstances scattered around the United States.  It’s a series of questions many gay and bisexual married men live with everyday.  Despite your personal convictions, we have to make way for those who grapple in different ways with the genes they were born with .

1. Do we embrace our love of men with acceptance, even joy, instead of feeling bad about it?

2. Do we embrace the love of our wives as central, or is that lessened or weakened by our attractions to men (even if we do not act on those, but certainly if we do)

3. Do we tell our wives this is a part of who we are, or do we find we need to keep that part of ourselves hidden but diminish or eliminate the guilt we have in our pursuits

4. Can we find men for our particular needs of male sexual pleasure without that pursuit itself detracting from our other love and life responsibilities, or does that pursuit itself have a negative impact on us (obsessive use of pornography or search time, lack of positive results and so frustration, stealing time from family or work or friends in searching or acting out sex with men)

5. What is the honest sexual continuum we feel? Lots or little desire for our wives even if we love them? Lots or little need for male sexual action even if we say we love our wives primarily.

6. Are we really gay and if so what does that mean for the marriage? Can we stay in it because of our non-sexual love and history with her is so important for us, or does it cal into question the entire marriage?

7. If we do tell her, what kind of accommodation do we imagine or want? Acceptance but no on-going talk about it (don’t ask, don’t tell), sharing of some particulars in stories, participation by her in some of our sexual forays, permission and encouragement for her to have her own outside sexual liaisons? a wide open marriage that accepts one or both of you may find sexually and emotionally compelling others for stretches of time, yet you are able to stay together?

8. Who are we drawn to and can we attract them and what is that all about? Younger men, men our age, older men? Gay men? Dads? Short hot encounters or longer more casual friends with benefits? And then there is that whole issue of finding what positions and roles you want to be in and having the gumption to go after it.

9. How does sex with men fit into our other life issues? (a bigger issue the older we get) Retirement? Having good men friends of a non-sexual kind? Pursuit of professional or community or personal interests? Having fun? Working on our “spiritual” side or defining the larger meaning of our lives?

10. How widely do we want our real self to be known? Wife? Whole family? Circle of friends? Community?

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A Bisexual Married Man’s Story

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Another story that came my way which presents powerful human emotion: the battle in a man’s head who loves his wife and is also driven by his attraction to men. Surely there is balance for couples like this, and many have found it, but for most, a lack of understanding and the strictures of our modern-day moral codes prevent emotional solutions.

dilemma

Reaching out:

My wife and I had not had sex in many years, after a slow atrophy of interest and increasing performance issues on my part. I have shared this with only one old friend. I knew my reawakened interest in men and discovery of male porn was a large part of it, but job changes, body changes, tensions around parenting all become the convenient excuses. I was also ashamed to admit that as she put on some weight and aged, and I was working around many younger and attractive women and men, I found her less attractive. Objectively, she is still attractive, energetic, smart, funny, and accomplished, and I feel strong love, but not sexual excitement like I did. I do not want to lose her, we are soul mates.

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Searching for Answers

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You might say it was an awkward time in my life, or a period of self-discovery, or a journey down an unknown new path.  It was certainly a time of self-doubt.  Fresh out of a failed marriage of fourteen years, father of two teenage girls, fighting wars on many fronts in the world of business, doubting my ability to be a satisfactory husband,  just one thing dominated my thoughts.  One thing unrelated to all the other events in my life.

I say unrelated–maybe it wasn’t.  The marriage was such a dismal experience, maybe my curiosity about men had a more significant meaning than I had realized.  The notion of exploring a relationship with with another man had moved to the forefront of my thoughts.  The curiosity had evolved into a single-minded ambition.  If I wasn’t cut out to be a satisfactory husband, maybe I was cut out to be a buddy.  Possibly an intimate buddy.  It was simply a matter of meeting the right guy.

In the days before the Internet, the prospects for finding a like-minded friend were slim.  Gay bars weren’t for me–I wasn’t gay.  Though I had recognized my attraction to men, I was still enormously attracted to women, just wasn’t sure I was compatible with them.  The only alternative at the time was a discreet message in the personal section of a popular local newspaper.

One day, after a string of disappointing results, I opened a letter from Larry, which included his picture.  Dumbfounded, I stared at his image, immediately smitten.  Something about his appearance and the words he had written gave rise to an instant connection.  I wanted to get him on the phone immediately, but had to settle for the long process of contacting him through the mail.  We eventually arranged a rendezvous in the lobby of a large hotel.

Of course it was awkward.  His first time and mine doing something like this.  He looked as good in person as he did in the photograph.  We eased into a conversation and started to get to know each other, our anecdotes, missives and confessions uniting us as like-minded men.  Like me, though the circumstances were vastly different, he was at the end of a less than desirable marriage.  Like me, he was tall and thin.  His curiosity equaled mine.  Other than that, we had nothing in common, which, I believe, is exactly why our friendship became so exciting and interesting.  He was an executive with a high-end retailer; me, founder of an auto parts manufacturing company.  Our paths in life couldn’t have been more different.  As our first conversation drew to a close, he suggested we get a room.

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The Jew and the German

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nude_male

The Jew and the German

We rounded up one hundred and sixty Jews today.  The rifle shots that ended their lives had stopped less than an hour ago.  I had witnessed it all, standing among my German comrades, not twenty meters from the edge of the trench that served as a mass grave.

Men, women, children; it didn’t matter as long as they were Jews, or gypsies, or suspected Bolshevik sympathizers.  I had seen the increasingly higher pile of naked bodies at the bottom of the trench, watched the officer go down among them and blow out the brains of those still moving.  I had listened to them moan and beg and pray, and watched as they somberly removed their clothes, then stood shivering at the edge of the trench, not allowing their eyes to fall below the eastern horizon.  I had felt my stomach roil with bitter acid, felt my teeth hurt from clenching them so tightly.  I had been part of it, me, a draftsman just out of college.  I had been conscripted into the SS, assigned to the ranks of Sonderkommando 4a, one of the outfits designated to address the Jewish question, currently operating in Ukraine.  My group had been ordered to clean out the surrounding villages around Kiev.  The day would come I would be chosen to man one of the rifles.  I still could not comprehend why we were doing this.  I had not figured out what had happened to my homeland.  My breathing had been labored since my first day in Ukraine.  I could not imagine pulling the trigger.

Now, as the gloom of night cast the first shadows over the long weary day, I stood a few yards outside of camp, leaning against a tree, taking long draws off my third consecutive cigarette, staring absently across the vast steppe.  Sonderkommando 4a was following the wehrmacht as it plowed through Russia.  Setting up command centers in the cities and villages behind the front line, our objective was to round up and eliminate German enemies.  Of course this included the Jews.  My small group, part of the central group in Kiev, had been sent southeast to clean out the small villages.  It was horrifying, merciless, carried out with ruthless detachment.  I would never adjust to this manner of thinking.  I had known many Jews in my hometown in Germany, neighbors, chums I had gone to school with.  Why were we killing them?

From the corner of my eye, I saw an approaching prisoner, a young man in tattered peasant clothes assigned the chore of picking up the trash and cigarette butts littering our camp.  I watched him, his cautiousness as he got down on his knees to scour the ground, glancing at me, most likely fretting over every tiny scrap and every last cigarette butt, trying to avoid a beating.  I felt ashamed of my uniform.

Eventually he stared at me, the look in his eye chilling; more than hostility, analytical perhaps, a look that almost seemed to suggest pity, though not quite masking his hatred and contempt.  Moving forward on his knees, likely resigned to his fate, his courage seemed to gather, reflected in the expression of defiance on his face.  When he got to his feet, he glanced behind and saw we were alone, then fixed his arrogant, scornful eyes on me.  “You think you’ll get away with this, with what’s going on here,” he said bitterly, staring fearlessly like a man with nothing to lose.

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