Tag Archives: Male Sexuality

Vicious Circles

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A plea from M:

i am glad i came across this website as it gives a very fluid description of human sexuality. i am not sure if i can identify myself as bisexual anymore. i have been alienated from my small community as a result of checking other guys out. i have only had sex once with a female prostitute which was awful. All the men in my area are scared of me and i cant help looking at mens crotch area in every social interaction.

this has resulted in me not leaving the house and i even send my mother to the door to pay the pizza guy. I explained to her these reasons for not answering the door.i have had to turn down job opportunities also as a result. i am also addicted to gay porn and masturbate to fucking guys up the ass. i feel as if i need that sexual release but i don’t want emotional attachment to another man.i have been attracted to women in the past but was afraid to take it further in case i couldn’t get a erection.

I am torn between fantasy fucking men and not been attracted to women anymore. i don’t want to fuck men as i am terrified of getting aids. my kinesiologist reckons i don’t love myself and it is pointless trying to love anyone else at this particular stage. i don’t know what to do and i cant keep living like this as it is not healthy. i would be grateful for any insight you would have to my situation

My reply:

You are questioning your sexuality, while at the same time living in a small town environment that compounds the problem. I’m not sure if you are suffering a case depression or not, but you need to find out. A good place to start would be trade your kinesiologists for a licensed psychologist. To simply tell you that you don’t love yourself, then say it would be pointless to love anyone else, seems like detrimental advice. Applied kinesociology, if that’s what you’re talking about, is considered pseudoscience and quackery by much of the medical world.

As to checking other men out, many of us do that, it’s human nature, but it can be done subtly and discreetly. If this is an obsession you are having difficulty controlling, all the more reason to see a therapist. Whether you are meant to be with a woman or another man, you first need to build your own foundation, identity your sexuality and be comfortable with it, set your insecurities aside, and put yourself out there so that you might have a chance to meet someone with whom to share your life. A good therapist can help you with all these issues. And stay away from the whores; what she has to offer you is far different than a girl that wants to get to know you can offer.

As to the small town environment: No place on earth will accept you until you accept yourself. If you have confidence in yourself and accept you are, others will come around. This, over time, can be accomplished in a small town. Get involved in helping old people or some other local charity; show people you’re a good guy despite their misgivings about your sexuality. If things like this aren’t the answer, perhaps you need a change. Lots of people leave small towns for reasons similar to yours.

Think about the vicious circle you’ve put yourself on. Then change your mindset. Get out of bed tomorrow determined to put your life on a new path, determined to recognize yourself as just like everyone else, just viewing life through you own personal prism. Your mind has the power to do this, just as it has had the power to convince you of all your insecurities and shortcomings.

My Husband Doesn’t Admit He’s Bisexual

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I don’t know where to turn . . .

My husband is definitely @ least bi. I think he gets angry at me about it. He wants to watch gay porn and says it’s because I like it. (It actually freaked me out for a long time but now I do get turned on by it). He rubbed his male friend the other night in front of me (over his jeans) and said that was for me too… He is angry with me when I try to talk about it and denies any bi feelings. I am sad that he never seems pleased with me in bed and wish we could have an open and honest discussion about it. I am sad and lonely and don’t know where to turn.

Reply:

You have described an insecure man who has serious self-identity issues, a man that is trying to control you by switching on his anger to shut you up. Additionally, no thoughtful husband would express displeasure with his wife’s sexual performance. If the picture you have painted about your husband is objective, he needs psychological help if he is to become a whole man that is at peace with himself, and a worthwhile husband.

First, you need to take charge of your own life. Quit having sex with him until he has a conversation with you about why he isn’t satisfied with your performance. Perhaps he would like you to be more proactive, or more willing to try different things. Unless he is gay and doesn’t realize it, or unless you are simply in a bad marriage, your sexual relationship should be repairable.

Secondly, since he has introduced you to gay porn, and rubbing his male friend’s crotch, you have a right to discuss his sexuality, and a right to expect him to be responsive. Insist upon it. Tell him his anger is misplaced and let him know exactly how you feel, that your peace-of-mind has been affected, and that your future happiness is at risk. If you are indicating acceptance of his sexuality, it is his obligation to discuss it with you, to explain why he brings gay porn into your life if he himself is not aroused by it. If you succeed in getting him to participate in a conversation, and if he admits his attraction to men, then the two of you have to determine what the parameters of his sexuality will be in regards to your marriage. In other words, will he eventually want more than watching gay porn movies with you?

If your sincerest attempts to talk to him fail, you have no choice but to see a marriage counselor and/or reevaluate your marriage. These issues are not symptoms of a healthy relationship.

I’m Particular

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A question from D- in South Africa:

Every now and again I have the urge to be touched by a man, but I’m very particular about the penis I touch. I’m shaven and average in size. I would like to experiment with anal sex, but again, as I’m very clean there, I would expect the same. I live in Gauteng, South Africa. Could you make any suggestions. D-

My Reply:

It sounds like you’re just a bit left of being a straight guy, which I believe where most men are concerning their sexuality. This is a group of men that are having the same kind of urges you are, most of whom will be equally particular, if they are willing to admit their attraction to men at all. The trick is connecting with one of them. Living in a metropolitan area as you do, it shouldn’t be too difficult.

Happenstance rarely brings two men like you together. The guy you want for a companion is not going to come up to you, offer his hand and tell you he’s bisexual. You will have to actively pursue your new friend.

Other than visiting places you are likely to meet like-minded men, such as bathhouses or gay bars, your best bet would be an online dating service. You’re not gay, but you might consider a gay dating site, openly but anonymously describing your circumstances. If that sounds like something you could do, take a look at a website called Top 10 Gay Dating Sites. Many traditional dating sites allow men seeking men members. Check out the top sites here: Top 10 Best Dating Sites. I would avoid using hook-up sites like Craigs List for what you’re looking for, not that Craig’s List isn’t a great place to sell your bicycle.

In trying one of these sites, you’re likely to meet guys that don’t work out. Nevertheless, just keep plugging away. When you ultimately meet the right guy, when the two of you are emotionally in sync and find each other attractive, all the effort will be beautifully rewarded. Just remember to stay particular in the meantime.

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Which Way Should I Turn?

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Hey Martin:

Thanks for this very interesting website. I am a guy that has always identified as straight – I’m 34, live in NY, grew up in a conservative town in TX. I’ve been attracted to men for my entire life, but found different ways of putting that out of my mind. Was married, ended badly, in part because I didn’t know how to deal with these feelings.

I was with a great girl until recently but felt like I was repressing a part of myself and there was an issue, loved her, was attracted to her physically, etc. So I opened up the box in my mind labeled “attraction to guys” and have been completely overwhelmed with confusion and acknowledgment of the truth of these feelings, that, I realized, aren’t going away.

So I broke up with the girl, and resigned myself to living the gay lifestyle, or at least seeing what happens. I think my feelings for guys, at least sexually,, are a little more, maybe? I certainly notice them mor enow. But I keep dreaming about sex with women and I’ve always (at least thought) I wanted a family, a wife, and the normal things that I felt are important.

How did you decide that you could do this? I think in the end of the day the lifestyle you are living is more normal, historically, for men attracted to other men that our modern world. Certainly for the ancient Greeks and other groups.

I am not sure what to do – I am dealing with the fallout of repressing these feelings for a long time but am finding it confusing about where to go with my life now… Whether I should even give up the idea of a wife and family or whether this is a way I should try and live my life.. I am still attracted to women, still think about sex with women, and still find myself attracted to men. Wonder whether my feelings towards women will go away, but not sure.

Any advice would be appreciated Martin, thanks!  …Nate

My Reply:

Thanks for the compliment, Nate.

You are contemplating giving up women to lead a gay lifestyle. Based on your heartfelt words, that would be a mistake. I say this because you are obviously the kind of man that wouldn’t want to live without the kind of love only a woman can give. You have a dream Continue reading →

Perplexed by Male Sexuality

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Here is a question I been asked recently. It’s not uncommon.

“I am over 50 and have always wondered if I was on the wrong path! I love the pic’s of men, but have never had an intimate relationship with another man! I’m interested in trying sex with a man and have fantasied about this kind of a relationship! I would love to suck another mans dick and not feel self-conscientious about it! How do I approach this situation! … I need more than a woman!!!!”

My reply:

There seems to be a hint of desperation in your unvarnished but heartfelt question. Fact is, many men do not confront their bisexuality until they reach their forties or fifties, sometimes even later. Then what you have is a lifetime of accumulated, but subconscious sexual tension. Families have been raised. Careers are long since established or winding down. At your age, a man has a lot of time to think, to appraise his life, to recognize what he has been missing.

Perhaps this man has recognized the signs early on, then chose to ignore or deny them. That’s the path many men follow in our homophobic world today. It’s a shame we’ve been indoctrinated by rigid religious mores and ancient autocratic morals, when the desire for affection with other men has been encoded on our genes. Men like to be with men, socially, affectionately and yes, even intimately. Some men simply like getting naked with other men. Others may see nothing wrong with mutual masturbation, though they will almost certainly suffer guilt. Others, based on their values, their perceptions of masculinity combined with guilt, periodically seek out strangers for a quickie, usually to get it out of their system, or because of their circumstances at home. Others (my personal preference) want a relationship, a boyfriend so to speak, a bond with another man complete with trust and respect. Then some men accept the fact they are gay and go on to lead a gay lifestyle. Continue reading →

A “Gay” Man’s Dilemma

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Do Gay Men Turn Straight?

The  following question came by email recently.

Hi Martin … Thank you for sharing your experiences and providing some interesting reading. I have had relationships with men since I was 16. During my teenage years I would have said that I was attracted to both sexes, but always seemed to go back to men because I felt comfortable with them. In my 20′s I identified as being gay and came out. I have been in several gay relationships and have never questioned my sexuality until I turned 30 and started to become sexually attracted to woman. I experimented with porn and I found myself excited watching straight sex. At the same time I was also thinking that I have always wanted to be a father and have a family, and I was getting to the age I would like to do this. I have never had a relationship with a woman, and I have only had a brief sexual encounter when I was younger that did not work for me.

So I decided to make sure that I could become sexually aroused and that all the bits and pieces worked. As I have never really approached a woman, and did not want to get into a relationship, nor would I know how to. Additionally I am in a relationship with a man. So I decided to visit a sex worker. It was a highly liberating experience. I could not describe the intensity. It felt natural and just right more so than being with a man. I walked away thinking I want to be with a woman, and in a relationship. My penis felt like it was in the right space, I had huge amounts of pre-cum, breasts were beautiful, and I think I could play with a vagina all day long. I have a serious dilemma now and don’t know how to feel, what to do. My friends think I am gay, my partner is a male, did I come out too quickly, why would this all be happening now, how many guys go from gay to straight, and if I was to change how do I tell a woman who I have been with in the past. Any thoughts? Continue reading →

Anal and Prostate Massages

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THE ANAL MASSAGE

Save those poor souls that have built up a lifelong aversion to anything that has to do with their anus, or the misguided men that believe this would turn them gay, almost anyone will enjoy receiving an anal massage. In reality, it is an extremely intimate thing for two people to do and immensely pleasurable. You’ll want to use plenty of lube and perhaps use an anal douche prior to the massage.

Begin, if you are so inclined, with your tongue. It will drive your partner crazy and get him (or her) in the mood for what is to come. Then a gentle, playful touch, allowing the finger to both excite and relax what may be a reluctant anus. You should resist the temptation of pushing your finger in too quickly. Stroke your finger over the anus, teasing it, pushing on it gently. It can be quite a turn-on watching your lover’s anus kiss at your finger. The caressing will help to relax the sphincter muscles that encircles the anus and serves to keep it closed.

Next apply a generous amount of quality lubrication to both your finger and the anal opening. Make sure the lubricant is at least room temperature or warmer, never hot or cold.

Begin the massage by gently, yet firmly pressing the desired finger against the anus. Never prod excessively, but rather allow your partner to become comfortable with your finger. By exerting gentle and steady pressure, you will find that your partner’s anus will gradually begin to relax and eventually “draw in” the well lubricated finger. The giver can now begin the massage in earnest, remembering not to withdraw the finger entirely. The receiver may desire to accept more than a single finger, but this may require more time and practice between the giver and receiver.

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THE PROSTATE MASSAGE

A man’s G-Spot is his prostate gland. Tantric philosophy considers the G-Spot a man’s Continue reading →

The Magic of Male Instinct

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Has anyone truly figured out what happens inside our bodies and our minds when we find ourselves confronted by certain images, images that have the power to displace all other thoughts? What happens inside us upon pondering these images when the entire world stands still as our brains change the currents of our body chemistry? What happens when our brains tell us what we’re seeing has to do with the essence of life and then sends us on flights of fantasy? No, it’s not the image of a new sports car that has the power to do this, or anything else related to the material world … the image would certainly have to be another of ourselves, such as the images here.

A woman would look at these images with her own feminine perspectives, though I find it impossible to fathom what thoughts may pass through her mind. But when the magic is complicated by the fact it is a man that is attracted to another man, a new set of rules apply.

Procreation explains the attraction males and females have for each other. But what makes a man attracted to another man? Since I can think of no logical explanation other than possibly some re-routed genes, the fact that we can be attracted to each other must be a special gift; a gift, more often than not, that must be cherished secretly.

The magic is defined by just how much one man is capable of appreciating masculine beauty. The fascinating aspect of same sex attraction is the amazing extent some men can get into other men, whether they are bisexual or gay. Simply put, they treasure masculinity: the patterns of body hair, the angular contours of a male chest, the myriad of masculine body smells, the fleshy rounds of a male ass, the shadows and mystifying danglings between masculine legs, not to mention the capacity for two men to be sexually intimate with total abandon.

So I’ll never know why just some of us were given this gift, or why these leanings are considered taboo, which leaves both me and you to live our lives and continue to marvel at and contemplate the wonders of nature, even if we have to do so in secret.

Where are you on the scale of same sex attraction?

FOR MEN THAT ARE ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN. (check one)

View Results

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The phenomenon of male intimacy

Some say a fine line divides art and pornography. As such the following film blur’s the line. When it comes down to men that are compelled to be sexually intimate with other men, this film illustrates the raw passion that lies in wait inside many of us.

The first five minutes or so of the film is disturbing. Beyond that, this is one of the best adult films I’ve ever seen.

BY FRANÇOIS ORREN in the typical Jean-Daniel Cadinot’s style and with Cadinot’s technical crew.

Written by Jean-Daniel Cadinot  prior to his death:

“The human being is made such that it only remembers the good and the beautiful, therefore I leave you with a free mind and a head overflowing with a myriad of young men, sometimes strong and vigorous, sometimes fragile and sensitive. All of them gave me these unforgettable moments of their most tender intimacy, moments that only a few really know but which I made into images to allow you to admire them over and over again.”

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The Joy of Being a Man

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What I uncovered in me, or least a deeper layer found, is of my comfort with things gay and bi-sexual, a confident pleasure in finding men so beautiful and enjoyable to enjoy.

Tapping into feelings that have always been there and I find have this resonating beauty in them. I know you will understand, it is like it is a male male thing, though it seems these are feelings that go to a place where words become unwieldy.

Writing as a means to explore ones sexuality, has uncovered such deep levels of personal inquiry, and the joy found in engagement with like minds, an exploration that takes one naturally toward artistic notions and expression.

Sometimes I have the thought how wonderful it would be to be part of a gallery exhibition, to have men who appreciate come visit, appreciate and enjoy. The fantasies of male exhibitionism for admiring males that I’m sure not to be alone in.

What then comes is a connection that seems inherently and so exquisitely male in it’s nature, that shared understanding we have of each other, a compassion that is found in the camaraderie of men. Deep sensitivity of the male heart.

How can I begin to resist the wonders of male beauty, and why would such an idea gain any ground, for I see only beauty, a mirror to my own homosexuality, a lover of men and all things masculine, my tender lover, my companion, my sweet male friend, hold me sweetly on the arms, accept my lips and eyes for you, embrace me I am yours. My darling man of male scent and arching curves.

There comes also a quiet without need to herald, but rather to seek out gentle conversation, among brothers in each others arms and embrace.

And that is what it is, as a male and a bisexual male with that full yearning and deep love for women and; that loving intuitive kinship and masculine attraction for men, our physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual beauty, of men we know how we each feel, and that is beautiful, sweeping away all pretense and falsity in its sincerity,  allowing us to fully bloom.

[Images of men are] visual joys to caress, a telling prompt for ones sweet desires, a wonderful confirmation of my love of my fellow man, a mirror to the inner me and what has rested in my bosom since childhood, acknowledgement of warm welcoming that undeniable natural attraction for other men, it is me. Gentle freedom to be all things male, comfort in the understanding and accepting arms and embrace of others, my sweet brothers and lovers. There is no gap between our desires and grace. We touch in so joyfully harmony, two bodies, two minds, two hearts, to touch, to enjoy, to love, to be.

[Men with smaller penises] are all really nice to look at and enjoy – big, medium, small, Continue reading →