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February 14, 2010
January 13, 2010
Coming Out 2010 Style
MTV’s new season of Real World DC has cast a young man I think represents today’s refreshing attitude toward sexuality among his generation. Mike Manning, a twenty-two year old student from Thornton, Colorado is taking time off to be part of the show. He came out just before filming began. The following is an excerpt fr0m his interview with MetroWeekly.
Mike Manning (Photo by Todd Franson)
Interview by Will O’Bryan
MW: When you came out, that was as bisexual, right? You identify as bi, not gay?
MANNING: Yeah. I dated girls. I had my first serious girlfriend when I was 16 and lost my virginity to her. I dated girls all the way until my sophomore year of college. So I was straight.
MW: Were your parents okay with you liking guys too?
MANNING: In the beginning, they weren’t so much. They were nice, and they gave me the whole, “You’re our son and we love you anyway,” things like that.
The way I came out is I wrote my parents like a five-page letter. I tried to include everything. “I am telling you this because you are my parents. I love you.” We’ve always been very, very close. I’d played football with my dad, and we’d go fishing and shoot guns. I can stay in and watch TV with my mom and do whatever she does. My whole family, we’re very close. So I was like, “This isn’t a reflection on you. This is how I was born. I just want to include you in every aspect of my life. I don’t want to lie to you and tell you I’m going to the movies when I’m really going to a gay club.” I was just trying to be honest with them.
I sat them down, they read the letter, and then I was like, “Do you have any questions?” That was it. My dad was like, “Are you sure you’re gay or bi or whatever? Are you sure you like men?” Yes, Dad. “Are you sure it’s not a phase?” No, Dad.
I think the female body is very appealing. I enjoy seeing boobies and everything like that. [Laughs.] I feel the exact same way when I see a [male] Calvin Klein ad. I said, “This is how I was born and it’s taken me a long time to accept that. Believe me, Dad, I’ve thought about the whole ‘phase’ thing, and it’s definitely not a phase.”
My mom started crying. She said, “Does this mean I’m not going to have grandkids?”
November 30, 2009
Penis Anxiety
Women are much more interested in a man’s personality and looks than the size of his penis, but men can experience real anxiety even if they are average sized, according to a research review published in the June issue of the urology journal BJU International.
Dr Kevan Wylie from the Porterbrook Clinic and Royal Hallamshire Hospital, Sheffield, UK, reports that while men often have a better body image, genital image and sexual confidence if they have a large penis, women don’t necessarily feel that bigger is better.
He teamed up with Mr Ian Eardley from St James, Hospital in Leeds to bring together the findings of more than 50 international research projects into penile size and small penis syndrome carried out since 1942.
By drawing together the results of 12 studies that measured the penises of 11,531 men, they discovered that average erect penises ranged from 14-16cms (5.5 to 6.2 inches) in length and 12-13cm (4.7 to 5.1 inches) in girth.
Wylie and Eardley also looked at the bizarre practices used by men worldwide to enhance the size of their penis, including the Topinama of Brazil, who encourage poisonous snakes to bite their penises to enlarge them for six months!
They report that Indian Sadhus men are known to use weights to increase the length of their penis and Dayak men in Borneo pierce the glans of their penis and insert items into the holes to stimulate their partner.
Other key findings of the review include:
* A survey of over 50,000 heterosexual men and women found that 66 per cent of men said their penis was average sized, 22 per cent said large and 12 per cent said small. 85 per cent of women were satisfied with their partner’s penile size, but only 55 per cent of men were satisfied.
* Two studies reported that 90 per cent of women prefer a wide penis to a long one. Other studies pointed out that the issue of male attractiveness was complex, but that penile size was not the most important factor for women.
* Small penis syndrome is much more common in men with normal sized penises than those with a small micropenis with a flaccid length of less than 7cm (2.7 inches).
* One study found that 63 per cent of men complaining of small penises said their anxieties started with childhood comparisons and 37 per cent blamed erotic images viewed in their teenage years. None of the men studied actually had a micropenis.
July 24, 2009
Tantric Massage
Contemplating your first intimate experience with a new lover? Thinking about trying something new with your boyfriend, or husband, or your significant other who happens to be male? I can’t think of a more intimate way to create a memorable night together than Tantric massage.
On her blog, Tantra: Gateway to Ecstasy, Jennifer Lawless provides an excellent guide to Tantric massage for men. It reads as follows:
How to Give a Tantric Lingam Massage
In Tantra, the penis is called the Lingam, which in Sanskrit can be translated as “Wand of Light.” A Lingam massage is a massage of the male genitals using a large variety of strokes and grips. The goals of the Lingam massage are to honor your man’s Lingam and to help him to expand his ability to receive pleasure.
The setting and your attitude are what make a Lingam massage a special experience for your man. Prepare a quiet, preferably dim, space with a bed, a futon mattress, or a blanket and pillows on the floor. The temperature in the room should be a little warmer than normal because you will both be nude. Lighting candles or an oil lamp in the room will keep the lighting subdued and also help generate heat. Your oills and lubricants should be within easy reach. Try to get spill-proof bottles and use plastic rather than glass. Make sure that you have a couple of hours where you won’t be disturbed.
Begin by breathing together. Stand or sit face-to-face. Embrace or hold hands, look into each other’s eyes, and breathe deeply into the belly. Continue looking into his eyes and breathing with him. If you find he is holding his breath, place your hand on his lower belly and remind him to breathe from that place, to “fill his belly” with his breath.
Next, have him lie face down and begin giving him a full body massage. After about 10 minutes, ask him to turn over, and then continue the massage. Advance the massage slowly toward the inner thighs and pelvis until he is breathing deeply from his belly and his body is fully relaxed.
June 12, 2009
The Male Psyche
Understanding the Male Psyche
Trying to comprehend the male psyche is like trying to comprehend the Universe, but possibly more of a challenge, though worthwhile when considering the particular male you may be interested in.
The first part is easy. His looks. To you he is beautiful. You want someone that looks like him. Done deal as far as that department is concerned. The next part is also fairly easy: the chemistry that’s likely to develop quickly between the two of you, or not develop at all. You like the way he smiles, the way he smells, the feelings you get when you are close. Two bases are covered, chemistry and physical appeal, you’re ready to fall in love. You’re ready, but you’re also facing the possible challenges of the male psyche.
Studies have defined the male psyche by seven categories: shame, emotional absence, insecurity, selfishness, aggression, self-destruction and sexual behavior.
Within these seven categories lies the answer as to whether the two of you are compatible or not. In sync in all seven, great. On the other hand being at odds with just one of them can damage or destroy a relationship, unless one of you are prepared to compromise for the rest of your life, or the other has the ability to recognize a character flaw within himself and is willing to change.
Sometimes, usually at the beginning of a relationship, the signs of a character flaw are subtle, or easily ignored because you are so head-over-heels crazy about him. But eventually you realize that can of beer he never forgets to open after dinner is actually a case and a half over the weekend . . . and you don’t drink!
Seven Categories of the Male Psyche
All seven categories are influenced by the the indoctrination almost every male receives from the moment he is born; it’s either a positive and healthy indoctrination; or a negative one, typically where the boy is taught to be a man within the narrow framework of what so frequently defines masculinity in today’s world. In other words, not enough input from his mother.
May 31, 2009
What is Bisexuality?
Wikipedia defines bisexuality as sexual behavior with emotional [and/or] physical attraction to people of both genders (male and female), or a bisexual orientation. People who have a bisexual orientation “can experience sexual, emotional, and affectionate attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex”; “it also refers to an individual’s sense of personal and social identity based on those attractions, behaviors expressing them, and membership in a community of others who share them.” It is one of the three main classifications of sexual orientation, along with a heterosexual and a homosexual orientation. Individuals who do not experience sexual attraction to either sex are known as asexual.
According to Alfred Kinsey’s research into human sexuality in the mid-20th century, many humans do not fall exclusively into heterosexual or homosexual classifications but somewhere between. The Kinsey scale measures sexual attraction and behavior on a seven-point scale ranging from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual). According to Kinsey’s study, a substantial number of people fall within the range of 1 to 5 (between heterosexual and homosexual). Although Kinsey’s methodology has been criticized, the scale is still widely used in describing the continuum of human sexuality.
Those Reporting They are Bisexual by Political-Gender Cohort (VL=Very Liberal, L=Liberal, M=Moderate, C=Conservative, VC=Very Conservative)
Bisexuality has been observed in various human societies and elsewhere in the animal kingdom throughout recorded history. The term bisexuality, however, like the terms hetero- and homosexuality, was only coined in the 19th century. Read the full wikipedia account here.
In my novel, Five Married Men, all five husbands fall into the middle spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual. They love their wives unequivocally and none regret being married, though the weight of society’s mores wears mercilessly on them, along with a lifelong indoctrination as to what defines masculinity. They love their wives but they also face an inner struggle, an identity that they have to keep suppressed, a growing urge for an intimate connection with another male. They fear living out their lives in a painful state of hopeless denial. When the opportunity to explore this side of their nature presents itself, they surrender. They are unable to equate their physical affection for each other as infidelity, but they are racked with guilt over lying to their wives.
Five Married Men explores the unsuccessful stages of denial, the process of taking the first step, the jubilation involved when two bisexual men connect, the arguments for and against guilt, and the consequences for all concerned. The powerful emotions experienced are an integral part of this story, both from the husband’s and the wife’s perspective. Along the way, in this case, they discover a winning solution is difficult if not impossible to find.
Of course that’s not always the case. Many couples, though so many tragically end in divorce, find ways to compromise and even redefine the parameters of their marriage. More often than not, the road is difficult and emotional, but love and mutual respect often prevails, if both partners can find a way to shed “conventional wisdom” and the phantoms of social/religious indoctrination. It takes recognizing the fact, no matter how the marital parameters are redefined, that the foundation of the marriage will always be intact, that love will remain strong and will perhaps grow stronger.
May 23, 2009
Male Bisexuality
Early recognition.
Excluding both extremes of the spectrum (men who are exclusively gay or exclusively heterosexual) most men fit in the broad middle which can be defined by one of several levels of sexuality. Early in life most of these men become in touch with their attraction to females; they find the opposite sex enchanting, alluring, exciting and sexually desirable. They want to spend time with them, have a girlfriend, and they eventually recognize a compelling desire to get married. It’s simply a matter of crossing paths with the girl he’s attracted to, the one he’s in sync with philosophically, and the one that finds him equally attractive.
Within this broad middle, he may simply enjoy an extraordinary kinship with another male, or he realizes he feels a physical attraction to those of his own sex. The attraction may be compelling, or it may be fleeting and vague, which can be easily ignored though reoccurring given certain circumstances (the sight of a pair of extraordinarily well-fitting jeans). For the guy at this end of the spectrum, once he finds himself involved in getting his adult life started, he may come to believe these feelings have disappeared entirely, only to discover they haven’t at some point down life’s long road. It’s like the phantom inside him has gone into hibernation, though certain to reawaken one day. Near the other end of the spectrum, a young man will most likely be receptive to some kind of physical experience with another male, or he may even pursue m2m sex. The broad middle ranges from simple male bonding, to irresistible curiosity, to a recognized desire to explore something sexual.
Almost always a secretive characteristic, sexually developing teenage boys often experience an attraction to other males It’s not uncommon for boys to masturbate together or masturbate each other, or to explore each others body. At some point, for most boys, the weight of what he’s been taught about being a man intervenes and he learns to bury these natural desires. He moves on, shifts his focus over the years to life’s other circumstances: marriage, children, career. The innocence curiosity of his youth is buried under layers of responsibility. (more…)
May 21, 2009
How Male Bisexuality Got Cool
By Rachel Kramer Bussel: editor of Best Sex Writing 2009 and host of In The Flesh Reading Series.
Two men on couch From TV bromances to political man crushes, male bisexuality has gone mainstream. But is it a sign of true sexual attraction-or just an act?
Last year, when Charles Forman, the 29-year-old heterosexual founder of the popular gaming Web site I’m In Like With You, was caught on camera holding hands with 22-year-old Tumblr founder David Karp (also straight), the first thing he did was send the photo to the gossip blog Gawker. “Did you see the gay picture?” he instant-messaged the Web site, which then posted an entire photo montage of the two boys in various states of PDA. Forman then linked back to the montage from his own blog.
“He wasn’t the typical macho straight guy,” says one woman of her bisexual boyfriend. “I got off on it.”
The whole episode had more than a whiff of publicity seeking. (Gawker calls Karp and Forman “fameballs.”) Still, the very fact that the pair of Internet wunderkinds decided that cultivating a mystique of bisexuality could help their careers says something about the moment we’re living in. “Why would any straight guy call a press conference to announce his bisexual inclinations, unless the whole thing was intended as a joke?” asks Ron Suresha, editor of Bi Men: Coming Out and Bisexual Perspectives on Kinsey. “I don’t know why these famehounds claim to be bisexual, but they don’t set off my ‘bi-dar’ one whiff. While I’m hopeful that their posed bisexuality is a harbinger of a new generation of heterosexual men who are actually willing to face their bi desires, from a distance this photo-op male ‘bonding’ seems completely contrived.”
Still, whereas bisexual women had their fling with pop culture in the 1990s-when everyone from Drew Barrymore to Madonna messed around with women, not to mention the famous Vanity Fair cover showing Cindy Crawford shaving k.d. lang-”bromances” are now the driving force behind Hollywood comedies and Style section features, as men find more ways to play for both teams, or at least act like they do.
Examples are everywhere. In John Hamburg’s recent movie, I Love You, Man, the gay guy who unwittingly goes on a date with Paul Rudd isn’t just played for laughs, but to some degree, sympathy. This summer will also see Lynn Shelton’s buzzed-about Humpday, in which two straight male friends decide to make a homemade porn video. And Brody Jenner’s reality show Bromance blurs the line separating friendship and attraction in what Videogum’s Gabe Delahaye calls “basically the gayest thing ever, made more gay by everyone’s desperate attempts to provide chest-bumping proof of their heterosexuality.”
The term “man crush”-which, like bromance, connotes a male relationship that resides somewhere between platonic and romantic-is already this year’s official media catchphrase. “Rams GM Devaney Has a Man Crush on Eugene Monroe” gossips manlier-than-thou NFLGridironGab.com. “Warren Buffett’s Chinese Man Crush” titters the headline on a Business Insider profile of CEO Wang Chuan-Fu. And while it’s not all that surprising to find Newsday’s music critic proclaiming his “man-crush renewed” after a Seal concert, it’s less expected in a Boston Globe story about President Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy, or in an AOL News piece about the King of Saudi Arabia.
It’s an emerging version of male bisexuality that’s more pose than sincere. The celebrities who engage in it take pains to make it clear they’re straight-half-ironically goofing around, often as a blatant grab for attention. But the fact that they’re even taking it that far is something new. Take Jimmy Kimmel’s 2008 YouTube sensation “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck,” created in response to his then-girlfriend Sarah Silverman’s “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” video. Five years ago, few male celebrities went there, and the ones who did were often already branded as outsiders, like Michael Stipe. Now, the most mainstream of leading men clamor to act bi for the camera.
In addition to these tongue-in-cheek, sometimes tortured expressions of straightish-male love are indications that some men-non-celebrity civilians-are embracing a nuanced version of bisexuality as well. Benoit Denizet-Lewis profiled a bisexual bodybuilder named Todd in his book America Anonymous, which was released in January. Todd’s clients are mostly gay men, but some just like watching him “flex and show off.” These are men who say they’re bi or straight-and Todd believes them. “It’s just a fetish for them,” he says. “Over time, I’ve seen them have successful marriages with their wives. They seem to be very happy, from what I can tell.”
Gay men have long fetishized straight guys, but what’s happening now goes beyond that. It’s not just about being seduced into a same-sex encounter, but about men claiming bisexuality or bi-curiosity on their own terms. Hence, it makes sense that, according to Humpday director Shelton, her film, even with the gay sex, is “about being straight. But specifically, it’s about the limitations of straightness and it’s about how absurd the extremities of straightness can be, basically.” (more…)
May 16, 2009
Middlesex
I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974.
So goes the opening sentence of Middlesex, a novel by Jeffrey Eugenides.
From Jeff Turrentine, The Los Angeles Times: “Eugenides has had nearly a decade to relax, and the happy result is a novel that’s as warm, expansive and generous as its predecessor wasn’t. (…) Among many things, Middlesex is the author’s love letter to a city that could probably use a few more. (…) Middlesex isn’t just a respectable sophomore effort; it’s a towering achievement, and it can now be stated unequivocally that Eugenides’ initial triumph wasn’t a one-off or a fluke. He has emerged as the great American writer that many of us suspected him of being.”
A review by Debbie Lee Wesselmann on Amazon.com:
From the first sentence of Jeffrey Eugenides’ MIDDLESEX, I was hooked by this complicated tale of a young girl who grows into a man. The story of Cal Stephanides begins generations before his birth, in a small Greek village, when his grandparents succumb to incestuous desires. Immigration to the United States keeps Desdemona and Lefty’s secret intact – until their grandchild Cal reaches puberty. Told with both humor and earnestness, the story grows more engaging with every page.
The brilliance of this book emerges not from the superficial story of a hermaphrodite but from the context – historical, scientific, psychological, political, geographical – of Cal’s birth and subsequent rebirth. MIDDLESEX is about much more than gender confusion. Cal’s mixed gender can be taken as a metaphor for the experience of first- and second-generations born of immigrants.
While the context of this story provides the substance, the characters provide the vibrancy. Cal emerges as a reliable and likeable narrator. He is sensible, good-humored, and intelligent. The spectrum of his experiences provides a smooth transition between childhood and adult, enabling the reader to embrace the character as both male and female. Cal’s family is affectionately portrayed, even with their failings. (Cal’s brother, Chapter Eleven, annoyed me with his name, a running gag, but even he ended up a full-blooded character by the end.)
Eugenides has written an expansive, compelling book. Despite its length of over 500 pages, the novel is not a slow read – unless the reader wants it to be, to make it last. Accessible, intelligent, well-paced and plotted, it should appeal to a wide range of readers.
I can’t recommend this novel highly enough.
Mother nature can be an inventive force, even cruel (considering the eye-of-the-beholder). In Cal’s case, the narrator and main character in Middlesex, he was born a hermaphrodite. After his confused early years, he learned to accept his condition, even cherish it, though it led to challenges most of us can’t begin to imagine.
Cal tells us his family history which leads to why he emerged in the world with characteristics of both sexes. He tells us about his emotional and confused early years, his challenges and trials, his failed romances, and then how he came about to accept his unique fate. It’s a must read for anyone looking for something different.
